run.
Comments(1) i got home last night around 9:30 from dropping the girl at her friend owen’s house for a sleepover. owen’s mom and i have been friends since university….going on 15 years now.
but.
it’s another one of these relationships that i can’t continue to have. she doesn’t listen. my life is profoundly uninteresting to her. my job in the relationship is to praise her. unerringly. everything she does. her house. her kids. her job. everything. and there is no reciprocity. i told her another of my papers had been accepted to a conference. she barely acknowledged that as a success, nevermind expressing even a remote interest in what i am doing. i kept my praise of her gardens, her kids and the renovations to her home to a minimum, but it became very clear that’s what she was looking for. i am her own personal cheerleading ever-ready pompom girl.
i have lost 22 pounds. there was only a derisory remark about how i have been off and on exercise kicks in the past. i look a bit different for sure. better. but far be it from her to acknowledge that. or maybe, sadly, even to have noticed. yet when she drop weights (which she says is easy for her - really easy. and i believe her. she is a terrible cook and i don’t think she gives a shit about food generally. she cuts the sugar and wham. she’s thin again. ohhh i’ve always bee jealous of that.)
therapy. it’s so hard to see these relationships in this new light. i laughed in that horrified way the whole drive home, shaking my head. and i am sad to realize that there is no point in talking to her. what would i say? “hey don’t you give a rat’s ass about anything i do? or anything i am interested in? why do i always feel like a second class citizen in your eyes?”
her house is a chaos factory though. the energy in there is purely frantic. i know my girl will be okay, but i’m going to pull back a bit. i’m exhausted.
when i got in, i decided that i’m a month behind my goal to start running and i needed to get a workout in and yoga wasn’t going to cut through my upset/discontent.
so i got suited up and did the first workout of the couch to 5k. i ran/walked for an hour (because i always swim for about an hour, so a 20 minute run just seemed too short…) it was AMAZING. i took the dog. i ran by the river. i am always amazed how running spikes an endorphin kick like no other exercise i have ever done.
why, in the past, have i stopped? oh please, don’t let me stop this time.
i came home and did two relaxation/flexability flows from the yoga dvd and had a hot bath.
i slept and woke in the gentle symphony of rain.
namaste. gratitude for every breath.