slipstream becomings

there was a time when i went into the alley and lit a cigarette. i took a nice deep drag and my brain, under the influence of zyban, revolted at my hope that it be delicious. it was my last smoke, or at least the last smoke of the first and most real quit.  i was scared and super excited to finally be done with smoking.

tonight is kind of like that.

i ate whatever i wanted this weekend, knowing it would be the last unthinking and overindulgent weekend of eating in a long time. or maybe hoping is more true. yes, probably hoping. as i have been trying to think it all through, this is only positive i can come up with about my current approach to food; that i can eat whatever i want whenever i want with absolute abandon. (oh. except for the guilt and self loathing and stuff. you know.) 

tomorrow i plan to eat this:

breakfast pita w/ peanut butter & coffee

spinach salad with strawberries and almonds, an apple

bbq pork, risotto and tonnes of vegetables

and the girl and i will walk to and from school tomorrow for the first time.

i was supposed to plan the rest of the week tonight too, but i am dead beat.  i do however have a plan for tomorrow. and i’m going to get to bed on time. and every step takes me a little closer to new habits and the person i want to be. i need to work on visualizing that person and accepting this person, the person i am right now, as i am right now, but this mountain begins to prate. slowly.

i have a muddle of goals in my head. i need to sort them out, be realistic.

to splat them out of my head they run a little like this:

lifetime

get married (to the right guy. the smart and cute and funny and for me guy that is surely out there wondering where i am…)

have another baby. maybe 2.

own my own home (again. oh please please please let this come to fruition)

plant incredible gardens and tend them for a long long time

grow food and flowers and trees and steward some land

love my job

be a part of many wonderful things

have more music on my life

nurture friendships

be active and healthy

this year

lose about 80 pounds

move everyday

finish this degree

decide what’s next

take control of my spending 

take control of my diet

find a job that moves me in the direction of my bliss (or that pays the bills and gives me time to pursue my bliss)

continue to be the very best parent i can possibly be

this week:

walk to school and back everyday

stick to the planned menu everyday

go to bed every night by 11

begin to think my way out of the negative self talk and self loathing and self-comparison and heinously judgmental thinking that is polluting my mental space, clogging and stinking and ruining who i want to be in this world

i am. 

logging off to floss and begin the process of turning hate into love, x’s into check marks, flab into muscle, misery into joy.

begin.