slipstream becomings

good:

i am planning and journalling food again

i think my cold is gone

i am in love with all the local greens and delicious things coming out of the ground around me

the girl and i had a fabulous weekend

better:

i am 18 pounds less than i was when i started

i love moving. i have achieved the goal of craving movement

i am looking forward to writing, once i finish reading some more

flip turns are back!

there is a lightning storm happening right now that is fabulous

best:

i can see real change

i haven’t felt despair in weeks

i am full of gratitude. i try to remember with every breath

i am starting to believe i deserve love. success. happiness.

that’s the best part. oh, how i want to hold on to how i feel now. i never ever want to feel as badly as i have for the last two years. never ever again. please please please.

i took some “begin” pictures this morning. i’m overweight, to be sure. 

i’m also unhealthy. sometimes i get it. i indulged relentlessly for 15 years in everything. now my body reflects the decrepit state of my soul. i’m alone. i’m unattractive. i don’t “take care of myself”: shave, wax, prune, pick, style, dress…you name it. i really don’t care. i’m a single parent. surprise suprise. and worse than all of this is that i don’t believe in my heart of hearts that i’m worth changing it. i believe i will always be mediocre.

so.

change. change. change. 

believe.

i swam today. another one of these 12×100m workouts. and i must tell you that i feel like crap on a stick. i pushed myself through it. oh please, let me always believe that i can push myself through it.

that vision of who i could be, who i want to be, that more successful, more content, loving and beloved woman just over there…let her never fade from view.

(shelley remains virtually unread, nevermind written. so so so many things are so so so wrong.)