slipstream becomings

i am miserable. profoundly. this has been going on for so long i am barely able to remember when i didn’t feel like this, though i know it all started when i decided to sell my house. even typing that makes me start to cry.

i have almost all the classic symptoms of clinical depression. i also have been experiencing terrible anxiety, paranoia, self-loathing and the most unimaginable mood swings.

i have, on both sides of my family, a history of thyroid issues and other psychiatric/depressive issues, mostly untreated (both the thyroid and the pysch stuff).

in the last four weeks, i have added at least an hour of exercise every day. i have eliminated a huge portion of the refined sugars from my diet, including white flour. the other whites (rice and pasta) were not such a big deal. i have always eaten a tonne of fresh vegetables and fruits, but in the last four weeks i have also cut out a goodly amount of red meat and pork from my diet.

i have been working with a psychoanalyst 2-3 times a week since last august. it;s brutal and hard and i’m not at all sure it’s helping. in fact a good chunk of the time i think it’s making me feel much much worse.

i am sleeping much more regularly, though not as regularly as i might like.

i have not smoked any cigarettes in 40 days.

and last week, for the first time in almost 20 months, i got some writing done.

so my question is, when does one decide it’s time to investigate anti-depressant or anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals? 

i have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning to request a full thyroid function screen. i bought multi-vitamins today and i am really really trying to make sure i don’t let myself get dehydrated.

how much of this can i reasonably chalk up to the circumstances of my life, and how much of it to changing things like diet? 

how much of it just might suggest a chemical imbalance that needs attention?

sometimes, like last night before i could fall asleep when i actually thought about the consequences of suicide, and this morning when i could not control my crying and my utter despair, i am really really scared.

but then it recedes and i start to feel okay again. 

and for whatever reason, i am deathly, terribly afraid of the drugs they use to treat depression.

i am more terrified of being a terrible parent and a terrible failure at life because i refused to help myself.