slipstream becomings

allo, and sorry to have dumped and run like that. i have been trying to get to bed at around 10 to get the girl to school on time and it really cuts into my down time. she’s just 4, but she goes to the waldorf school full time. they have been amazing about my being late for almost 2 years, but she has started to express soe negative stuff about it, so i HAVE to change it. it’s ridiculous, this morning problem i have….but i’ll fix it. somehow.

i talked to two doctors and my analyst about drugs. i got some very good answers, and some excellent offers of support. my analyst tends to think that i don’t really fit the classical descriptions/categories for a diagnosis of depression (so much for self-diagnosis!) but he also feels that the drugs might help, and anything that helps me get through this is worth investigating.

do youwant to know something?

i have felt good for three days in a row. it was like monday was some kind of bottom i bounced off. i’m going to give diet and exercise a couple more weeks, but i am also going to follow up with the doctor next week.

on the food and exercise front: everything seems to be going really well. i am not having nearly as much trouble managing the ww planning and point stuff. the sugar cravings have really receded and i am loving the sense of control i have. i haven’t laid out menus like i did in the first two weeks, but rather made a list of foods i would like to eat this week and shopped for them. but for a couple of minor pit fall s(goddam popcorn) things seem to be moving along. i can see in the future as my daily point allowance goes down having to go back to daily, specific menus, but i also think that’s part of managing. ill plan tightly until i get a sense of what it’s like to eat that many points and ten i can go back to swapping. i hope.

on the exercise front: the weights during weight sessions moved up a little this week. this cold is lingering with a yucky cough, but i pushed through the whole 2600m swim workout yesterday. my bike and i are slowly becoming better friends and i’m looking forward to starting the couch to 5k in june.

thank you so so so much for your kind words. i’ll keep posting and reading and being grateful. you guys keep being you.

i am miserable. profoundly. this has been going on for so long i am barely able to remember when i didn’t feel like this, though i know it all started when i decided to sell my house. even typing that makes me start to cry.

i have almost all the classic symptoms of clinical depression. i also have been experiencing terrible anxiety, paranoia, self-loathing and the most unimaginable mood swings.

i have, on both sides of my family, a history of thyroid issues and other psychiatric/depressive issues, mostly untreated (both the thyroid and the pysch stuff).

in the last four weeks, i have added at least an hour of exercise every day. i have eliminated a huge portion of the refined sugars from my diet, including white flour. the other whites (rice and pasta) were not such a big deal. i have always eaten a tonne of fresh vegetables and fruits, but in the last four weeks i have also cut out a goodly amount of red meat and pork from my diet.

i have been working with a psychoanalyst 2-3 times a week since last august. it;s brutal and hard and i’m not at all sure it’s helping. in fact a good chunk of the time i think it’s making me feel much much worse.

i am sleeping much more regularly, though not as regularly as i might like.

i have not smoked any cigarettes in 40 days.

and last week, for the first time in almost 20 months, i got some writing done.

so my question is, when does one decide it’s time to investigate anti-depressant or anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals? 

i have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning to request a full thyroid function screen. i bought multi-vitamins today and i am really really trying to make sure i don’t let myself get dehydrated.

how much of this can i reasonably chalk up to the circumstances of my life, and how much of it to changing things like diet? 

how much of it just might suggest a chemical imbalance that needs attention?

sometimes, like last night before i could fall asleep when i actually thought about the consequences of suicide, and this morning when i could not control my crying and my utter despair, i am really really scared.

but then it recedes and i start to feel okay again. 

and for whatever reason, i am deathly, terribly afraid of the drugs they use to treat depression.

i am more terrified of being a terrible parent and a terrible failure at life because i refused to help myself.

i took some “begin” pictures this morning. i’m overweight, to be sure. 

i’m also unhealthy. sometimes i get it. i indulged relentlessly for 15 years in everything. now my body reflects the decrepit state of my soul. i’m alone. i’m unattractive. i don’t “take care of myself”: shave, wax, prune, pick, style, dress…you name it. i really don’t care. i’m a single parent. surprise suprise. and worse than all of this is that i don’t believe in my heart of hearts that i’m worth changing it. i believe i will always be mediocre.

so.

change. change. change. 

believe.

i swam today. another one of these 12×100m workouts. and i must tell you that i feel like crap on a stick. i pushed myself through it. oh please, let me always believe that i can push myself through it.

that vision of who i could be, who i want to be, that more successful, more content, loving and beloved woman just over there…let her never fade from view.

(shelley remains virtually unread, nevermind written. so so so many things are so so so wrong.)