i asked for help.
i am miserable. profoundly. this has been going on for so long i am barely able to remember when i didn’t feel like this, though i know it all started when i decided to sell my house. even typing that makes me start to cry.
i have almost all the classic symptoms of clinical depression. i also have been experiencing terrible anxiety, paranoia, self-loathing and the most unimaginable mood swings.
i have, on both sides of my family, a history of thyroid issues and other psychiatric/depressive issues, mostly untreated (both the thyroid and the pysch stuff).
in the last four weeks, i have added at least an hour of exercise every day. i have eliminated a huge portion of the refined sugars from my diet, including white flour. the other whites (rice and pasta) were not such a big deal. i have always eaten a tonne of fresh vegetables and fruits, but in the last four weeks i have also cut out a goodly amount of red meat and pork from my diet.
i have been working with a psychoanalyst 2-3 times a week since last august. it;s brutal and hard and i’m not at all sure it’s helping. in fact a good chunk of the time i think it’s making me feel much much worse.
i am sleeping much more regularly, though not as regularly as i might like.
i have not smoked any cigarettes in 40 days.
and last week, for the first time in almost 20 months, i got some writing done.
so my question is, when does one decide it’s time to investigate anti-depressant or anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals?
i have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning to request a full thyroid function screen. i bought multi-vitamins today and i am really really trying to make sure i don’t let myself get dehydrated.
how much of this can i reasonably chalk up to the circumstances of my life, and how much of it to changing things like diet?
how much of it just might suggest a chemical imbalance that needs attention?
sometimes, like last night before i could fall asleep when i actually thought about the consequences of suicide, and this morning when i could not control my crying and my utter despair, i am really really scared.
but then it recedes and i start to feel okay again.
and for whatever reason, i am deathly, terribly afraid of the drugs they use to treat depression.
i am more terrified of being a terrible parent and a terrible failure at life because i refused to help myself.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It is hard to be depressed and be a parent. But sometimes being a parent is what keeps us going. All I can tell you is that anti anxiety/depression medication is not a long term solution, but it can be a temporary solution. I’ve had to use them twice in my life when things got really bad. It got me through two situations, and within three months I was feeling better enough to wean myself off.
Write your heart out here.. it does help. I barfed up a whole bunch of my drama here the other day.. no one here judges and sometimes it is the release you need to get over some of the feelings you have inside. It won’t cure anything but it can take that bottled up feeling down a notch or two. And the ladies here are amazing. They will give you great advice and you will realize how you are not alone. And sometimes that’s what we need.
Just wanted to check in on you this morning.. hope you’re doing okay..
Hey! You have all my support
I don’t have the answers, but I think everyone has their own journey to take and it really sounds like you are doing amazing things to take charge of yours despite serious emotional stuff going on. And raise a little girl, a dog, cat? and fish!!! So first pat yourself on the back.
I’m personally into only doing medications as a last resort - but if you’re not functioning, you may need them “short term”. Only you can decide what that point is. I agree with paperskin - it is not a long term solution. I have a friend who just took herself off of Paxil after 12 years. It has been such a terrible withdrawal, and I won’t go into details, but she regrets ever starting on it. That said 12 years ago there wasn’t the information to take charge of our health as there is now.
Do you have access to a good nutritionist, health food store, or holistic practitioner? They might be a better use of your money than the shrink. Because GIRLFRIEND - my experience tells me it IS 99% body chemistry. But that’s my opinion (and as the cliche goes, like fannies, we all got one). Take what anyone says, even the experts and run it through your own filter.
Also - remember thyroid workups aren’t conclusive. If you have the symptoms consider working with a practitioner who is willing to understand the blood work may not be 100% accurate.
Also get your estrogen checked! I have a whole long story - I went through similar at your age and would be happy to keep a dialog going with you. I’m bobblefrog on 3FC - PM me if you want! In the meantime keep us updated on your blog! This is a great community and we all CARE! CHICKS UNITED!