blargh.
i took some “begin” pictures this morning. i’m overweight, to be sure.
i’m also unhealthy. sometimes i get it. i indulged relentlessly for 15 years in everything. now my body reflects the decrepit state of my soul. i’m alone. i’m unattractive. i don’t “take care of myself”: shave, wax, prune, pick, style, dress…you name it. i really don’t care. i’m a single parent. surprise suprise. and worse than all of this is that i don’t believe in my heart of hearts that i’m worth changing it. i believe i will always be mediocre.
so.
change. change. change.
believe.
i swam today. another one of these 12×100m workouts. and i must tell you that i feel like crap on a stick. i pushed myself through it. oh please, let me always believe that i can push myself through it.
that vision of who i could be, who i want to be, that more successful, more content, loving and beloved woman just over there…let her never fade from view.
(shelley remains virtually unread, nevermind written. so so so many things are so so so wrong.)
Don’t worry. You are not alone. I am out here too, basically feeling the same way.
You are lucky you get to swim! Keep it up.. it is supposed to be some of the best exercise.
I am just happy to be able to walk up and down my street some days.
Just remember, you are not alone.
It’s all about small changes… sometimes you have to force yourself to do the primping so that you can look at yourself differently. I started by getting highlights and a haircut. It really made me feel good.. I really felt like I lost a couple of years just by doing that. It made me want to improve more and more.. so slowly I did.. I started with my skin, then I said maybe I can lose a little weight.. my confidence has improved so much in the last three months. Things that used to get me so upset, they hardly bother me now.. it’s really liberating.