I don’t see a difference in these two pictures, but here they are… the first one was taken before surgery… the second one is 3 months after surgery.

So today I’m having a bit of a better day. I got to talk to my husband this morning and that was just lovely… we’re talking about our trip to Niagara Falls that we’ll be taking this summer. I cannot wait! I haven’t gotten to see my husband in 2 years because of an immigrations mess. The thing is, I’ve had my surgery since I saw him last and have lost about 90lbs since then in total. I look different. I feel different– good different. But I find myself wondering if I look good enough. Isn’t that funny? The man saw me last at my worst and yet I wonder now, when I look the best I have since I was in 8th or 9th grade! I swear, I’m a nutcase. But then, when I look in the mirror, I still see the woman I was, not the woman I am now. Somehow I have to change that.

Yesterday was a really bad eating day for me. I know it was actually very emotional– it was an anniversary and I didn’t get to talk to my husband. So I made really bad food choices. I really need to reign that in before this whole honeymoon period is over! My therapist will not be pleased. She’s trying to teach me to feel my feelings instead of stuffing them down with food… well? Sometimes they’re overwhelming! I’m going to be more careful today.

Last night I went out with my friend again to see another friend of ours. She really isn’t happy with me about last night’s faux pas. The dynamics are really shifting, everything is changing and I find myself wondering if I want to be around someone who is so negative to and about me. I have one friend now, whom at this point I would consider my best friend, who is always there for me and celebrates my successes with me. Of course, she’s had RNY as well and understands exactly what I’m going through with all the changes. At this point, I feel like she’s the only person I can talk to about anything! With the friends that I grew up with, it’s different. I feel like I keep everything we talk about to surface matters. And the funny thing? They’re fine with that. Maybe we just aren’t as close as I thought we were… and that makes me sad, but at the same time I’ve probably gained the best friend I’ve ever had.

I was out shopping with a friend of mine who is MO. I know what this is like, I just recently dropped the ‘morbidly’ part of obese– and it took about 80lbs!

Anyway, we were walking past these cute little dresses in the ‘normal sized’ section, not the plus sized bit and I went over to them and discovered that my size is in the normie section! I almost cried! There were all these cute clothes that I could wear, not things that look like muumuus… I made a fuss. I just couldn’t help it. I really wanted to do a happy dance but I refrained, just in time. I realized, then, that my friend had gotten all quiet on me.

I can imagine how hard this is for her, but in all honesty, I went through– and am still going through– a lot to get to this point and I still have a way to go, so I need these moments! I fear, at times, that our friendship may not survive this weightloss. Resentment is beginning to show and I can very seriously say that this is the first time I’ve made this kind of ‘mistake’… I’m usually very careful about what I say. Hell, even what I wear! Just so it doesn’t make me look too ’small’.

This is just one of the many dynamics that are starting to shift in my life.

I had gastric bypass on December 9th, 2008. I named this blog ‘A Journey of Loss and Gain’ for more than one reason. There is one thing I have learned already, as I lose weight, things change. You lose who you were and become someone new. You lose the old confines of expectation… and sometimes you lose friends because the dynamics change.  It’s not all a bad thing, in fact it can be quite exciting, if you can handle all the changes. Sometimes it’s overwhelming… but where there is loss, there is always gain. New friends, new confidence, new happiness, new hope.