So here’s a gain… I’ve found my home! And Stephen’s too lol… we’ll be moving to KY as soon as we’re able. I’ll go down first to get things ready… That place is fantastic and I have my bestest friend down there. Home is more than a place– it’s the people you need in your life as well. I love my family, however we’re toxic for each other… so I adopted a new one.

Well.. I went to the family 4th of July party today….
When I first walked in, my father said ‘Where’s the rest of you?’
Then he hugged me and made a point of putting his arms all the way around me– for the first time!
Then I was standing out in the yard watching for the parade and a girl I graduated came up to me and (are you ready?) said I was ’so THIN’. Me! Thin! (I’m hardly thin, but much thinner than I was!)
My cousin didn’t recognize me.
I wore this little sundress (I’ll post pics as soon as I can! Took lots!) with a little jacket over it… I was told I looked very ‘Jackie O.’ HUGE compliment for me…. when I took the jacket off because it got warm my sister (yes the one who is so negative) tugged on my Dad’s sleeve and said ‘LOOK at her!’
My aunt told me I looked fabulous and asked me how I was feeling… I think she may consider the surgery next…
Woohoo!
No one fussed over what I ate but a friend of my sister’s… and when I ignored her advice she left me alone.
So all in all, it was a great day and I’m so glad I went!

So… this Independence Day means something to me on a rather personal level… which is probably why I was willing to go celebrate with my family.
I realized today how much freer I am than a year ago! A year ago I was completely trapped in fat and it coloured everything about me. Even my moods were lower. Lately I feel totally buoyed by this new sense of freedom. One of the things I’m free of is back fat– doesn’t sound like much, and I still have some, but that was one thing that made me feel completely trapped in my own body. It weighed me down in so many ways.
I’m free of a lot of the self doubt I used to have. I still have some of that too– with worrying about what my hubs is going to think of the new me! But nothing like it used to be!
I am so glad I had this surgery– with all the ups and downs I’ve had, I still wouldn’t change a thing! It’s helped me liberate myself from the fat that bound me and the food that ruled me, find the best friend I’ve ever had, and travel to new places and even possibly move out of my situation! Woohoo!
There’s so much more to this surgery than the physical!

I’m sitting here tonight just thinking… a year ago I’d be sitting amid tastykake and candy bar wrappers and the ruins of another diet, feeling completely lost. Feeling like a total failure, again. That was such a tiring process. Now? Now… well… I’m listening to slow music and looking forward to a long awaited visit with my husband and wondering if he’ll even recognize me after I’ve lost nearly 100lbs since he last saw me. I’ve gone from a tight size 26/28 and sometimes 30 to a size 16 in 6 months. I wish I could be smaller before I see him! But I can’t deny that I’ve come quite a distance in a short amount of time, and I’m happy with my progess so far– though I do tend to get frustrated from time to time.

I went to the doctor last week and found ou I have a raging kidney infection… he wanted to put me in the hospital, but after many promises of staying off my feet and that I’d go to the ER if things got worse, he let me go home. He gave me a double strength antibiotic. Well, it seriously makes me queasy. Add that to having WLS and I just do not want to eat. Jenny, the sweetheart, sent me a bag of the new Inspire Peanutbutter Cookie protein powder, thank heavens… otherwise I’d pretty much be doing nothing because I just can’t stand the feeling of anything in my stomach. (It’s also really yummy!) I’ve tried a couple of things over the week and they just do not sit well and I’ve really regretted them afterwards.

I think I mentioned before that my sister basically stopped speaking to me as soon as I got smaller than she is. Makes it hard when you live in the same house, but there’s just nothing I can do about it. Now she’s added that she will not eat in front of me either. As if I’m the food police or something. Drives me crazy and makes family mealtimes impossible, but it’s not my issue so once again, I can’t do anything about it.

Well… since I was approved for salads, I have a standing order that when they order out, that’s what I want… a salad with some sort of protein on it– usually grilled chicken and cheese. This is every time. There is no deviation. Well, last night they ordered out without asking me what I wanted and when they called me down for dinner, my sister had a salad with grilled chicken and I had– are you ready?– big ol’ greasy chicken fingers and french fries! And there was literally nothing else in the house to eat. Today’s pay day. So I picked some chicken out of the breading and gave the french fries to my 17 year old wolfdog who just loves them.

I tried to nicely mention it later to my mother and got a very snide ‘you’re welcome’… I don’t know exactly what to do about all of this… at this point they know what I can and can’t eat and they know what I will and won’t eat. And they know what makes me sick. I’m not gaining weight to make my sister feel better about herself! Ugh!

So I had my therapy appointment today and got a few things out in the open and feel a bit better. My therapist is very good and I found out from my new surgeon’s office that she’s the person they send all the people to who have eating disorders. That’s a happy coincidence! I no longer binge– I don’t have the physical capability. My biggest challenge is to keep myself from wanting to graze all day long. And I’m learning not to associate food with emotions… I’m trying to just keep thinking of food as fuel for the body. It’s amazing how hard that is. But Denyse– my therapist– keeps reminding me that I’ve had many many years of learning that food is for making myself feel better so it’s going to take some time to re-learn otherwise. She also says I’ve come a long way and made a lot of progress, though I don’t see it. Then again, I don’t see the physical changes either.

She gave me some paperwork to star planning my meals. I had mentioned at one session that I felt like I had gone from being obsessed with food to being obsessed with food– because I constantly have to think of what I’m going to eat and when now. So she said that she thinks I should plan what I’m going to eat and when either by the day or by the week. That way, food and eating will become mechanical for me and it may help take the emotion out of it. Not a bad idea.

Food has always been my comfort. I do really need to get over that and find different ways to comfort myself. It’s really self defeating, especially now! And, now I can’t eat a lot of the things I used to eat for comfort. Sugar is out. I DO dump… and I’m actually glad that I do. And a lot of carbs make me fall asleep and stay there for hours! lol So that just ruins the day.

On a good note, the Lexapro seems to already be working wonders… my husband and I both are looking forward to our vacation at Niagara Falls and I’m losing weight again, albeit slowly. I’d really love to have lost a bit more before I see my darling husband this summer!

Today was a terribly bad food day forme… I just finally had to force myself to eat something. I went out to eat last night and ended up sick as a dog! And it lasted all day today… finally I decided that I’d better eat something to see if that made me feel better– and it really seems to have helped.

I am absolutely and completely emotionally exhausted tonight… between hormones and this depression, it’s just really something. I picked up and started the Lexapro tonight so we’ll see how that works.

It would truly help if I had more positive people in my life… at the moment I only have one and I don’t know what I’d do without Jenny! Otherwise, all the other people in my life, with the exception of my husband, are major emotional drains on me. They never have anything positive to say, and never act in a positive manner.

I haven’t gotten a single compliment on my weightloss in about 2 months. My mother says it’s because if she were to dwell on it, then I’d stop losing. Okay, that makes sense. My sister stopped speaking to me when I got smaller than she is. That one is almost funny. And my friends here? I honestly don’t know what’s up. Resentment? Fear? Maybe I don’t deserve a compliment! Who knows?

There’s a support group coming up next week about Body Image and WLS and I’m seriously thinking about going. I think I need it. I need to be able to somehow acknowledge the changes in my body. I know I’m trying! But maybe there’s some trick to it that I’m missing.

I’m slowly starting to feel some better tonight… it sure did take awhile.

I’m feeling  a little lost today… I’m wondering if the rapid weightloss has my hormones in a tizzy. Or if it’s just depression, or both. It doesn’t help that my husband is very low right now too.. This 2 years apart has been a bit much… and he’s ready to be home. I can’t wait to see him again! But his mood always rubs off on me…

I’m having a bad food day– I don’t feel like eating a thing. I get like that sometimes. Especially when I’m low. I’ve been on Welbutrin for about 2 months and it hasn’t done a damned thing for me… so the doctor prescribed lexapro for me last night. The question is, will my insurance cover it? I won’t know until I go to pick it up… and then I’ll find out if it will work with my absorption issues because of WLS.

Oooh. I just need to change this mood.