12/15/08

B: 1 banana-pb stuffed french toast w/ berries on top, 1 slice bologna, 4 slices chicken bacon, coffee

L: 1 triangle of beef and cheese quesadilla leftover, 4 tsp tabbouleh, 4 tsp couscous salad, apple

S: bowl of brussel sprouts w/ lt parm chz

S: 1 clementine

D: pear, 1/2 sweet potato w/ 2 tsp ff plain yogurt, 1 can tuna and salad

making my USA debut tomorrow

well i officially go back to the states for a visit in about 15 hours. im both excited and nervous. it’ll be weird to be in the states again. im so used to being here now. anyway, i got shit sleep last night, like 3 hours, and i’m super tired right now. but i told myself that i had to write something before i went to sleep. no excuses. 

so today was a good day i think. i feel pretty good about it overall. i didn’t overeat at all. i ate what i intended to eat. i didn’t eat junk. i exercised. i drank a shit load of water. i finally put up some visible motivation on the walls. and i journaled even though my eyes are almost shut right now. 

 

journaling: pro

ok so i was looking bad through this journal, and it appears that roughly a month ago is when i really started to lose my focus. a whole month has managed to completely slip through my fingers. and just like that four weeks has come and gone. and i’ve only made journal entries about 2 days during that entire month?!

well i think it’s safe to say that journaling does indeed help a great deal in maintaining motivation and support. even if its not a food diary, at least its something to keep my priorities straight. remind myself exactly what it is that i’m accomplishing here. i think i lost sight of my goal, and that’s really where i went wrong. i should have been full force with the blinders on, but somehow i managed to go astray and not even catch it for an entire month because i didn’t do something as simple as journal. if i can’t make the habit of accounting for my day in a five minute post, then how can i expect to be accountable for anything in my plan. i’m on a mission. i’m in charge. i say what goes on. i run the show. 

i’ve told myself on numerous days that i will make motivational notes to post visibly in my room. how many notes do i have posted to date… none. not one note. it’s like the old phrase, out of sight, out of mind. if i’m not seeing any of it, its so easy to lose focus. focus focus focus. i need to take back control of what is mine. this is my goal. my dream. now i need to make it happen. 

 

on the fence lately

ugh, what is going on with me right now?? where is my motivation. my spark. my fire. i had it at one time, and lately it’s just fizzled down to non existent. i’ve gotten comfortable maybe. lazy. complacent. all the things that i do not want to be. 

the weather has been anything but friendly. i can’t go outside anymore, so no more walks, no more runs. it’s pretty discouraging. therefore my cardio workouts have been fading away. i did start doing more condtioning though, which is definitely a positive. but i need to amp up the cardio again. even if it means that i have to resort to the stat bike. 

i started eating processed carbs again. big no no. i definitely am incapable of handling it that sort of freedom. i started eating whole breads, crackers, pastas, sweet potatoes. i started eating fat free and low fat cheeses again. 

and i’ve definitely eaten off limit foods like cookies and cake, white breads, white pastas, white potatoes and full fat cheeses. 

i was really feeling that i was starting to make some progress and then it seemed like immediately i lost the motivation. and now im going back to the states. i’ll be out of my routine. im worried i’ll gain everything back. the only thing i can really hope for is that breaking my routine will get me out of this slump. so instead of worrying about falling off the wagon when i go away, i wanna stay positive and think of it as something that could end up being beneficial. 

B mentioned earlier that he heard a good way to quit smoking is to do it while on vacation. that being in a different environment can be helpful. so i’m hoping that in a few days when we go to florida, i’ll be able to do just that. for starters, i’ll be with B, which is always good. also, i’ll be in FL, where i know healthy mindful eating is priority. so the way i see it, that gives me roughly an entire week to cleanse and detox the fuck out. so that by the time B comes back north, and i’m left in my old neighborhood, i’ll be refreshed with a new attitude. 

a good thing i noticed though, is where i may be lacking all motivation right now, i dont feel utterly hopeless yet. i haven’t given up. there’s no towel being thrown in this time. so that’s progress in itself. my former self would have given up on even trying to rise up from this minor setback. but the way i see it, what’s a few salty weeks really in the whole perspective of things. it’s meaningless. 

i saw a quote recently: “4 months from now, what you will look like if you quit and what you will look like if you keep going? 4 months is going to happen no matter what, what will be your choice?”

great fucking line. sometimes i just need to remind myself there is a bigger picture to be seen. this feeling right now. this defeatist attitude. it’s just one moment. 4 months from now, is this moment going to even matter. how will i let it rule me? will it break me down or make me stronger? that’s all i need to decide for right now. one. day. at. a. time. that’s all it takes. bc at the end of all those tiny days, that’s what really matters. 

i do my best, when im on top of it

i’ve been trying to really focus and evaluate my behavior. times when i feel my best, times when i feel my worst. unfortunately, im not the greatest at journaling, and without the info and its hard to come up with the stats. but i know that when i’m tracking every calorie, planning every meal ahead, writing in my journal, checking the boards, exercising hard, that is when i truly feel motivated and in control of everything. its when i feel like im making progress. but when i digress in one or more of the aforementioned areas, shit hits the fucking fan. and then it just spirals downward. 

recently i’ve been very unmotivated, i feel like im not making any headway. i feel fat. yet… i havent written in my journal since november 20th. i havent tracked anything in fitday. i barely track on pen and paper. i havent been planning meals ahead. the only things ive stuck with is the exercise and checking the boards. 

last week was a total disgrace. i overate three nights to the point of discomfort. i also indulged in things like sugary cereals and cookies. and then of course, felt guilty. i was so bloated i managed to temporarilty gain 12 pounds for 2 days. thats disgusting. but i realized the people who overcame weight struggles, are not the people who never screwed up. they are the one’s who finished what they started no matter how many setbacks it took. no one is perfect. i am not perfect. but im not a failure either. 

 

i feel alive, again

this week started off a bit rocky. i had been fighting off the urge to cave in and binge for a number of days. and by tuesday morning the feelings were so unbearable, i gave in. i managed to eat about 1500 calories all before noon. i ate til i was definitely stuffed. and why. i only ended up feeling completely worthless afterwards. so i laid in bed watching a movie, feeling alone and rejected, and fell asleep. well, after i woke from my carb induced coma, i needed to move. so i got dressed for the cold weather and went outside to run, first time in 5 days. and it was hard. a combonation of too many days off from exercise and massive amounts of undigested food still lingering in my belly. but i pushed through it, and i did it anyway. 

and then… that was it. i was back. i was revived. inspired. rose from the ashes. i was alive again. 

today, i bought a new book. it’s called shrink yourself. it’s the therapist’s guide to losing weight. and it’s all about breaking free from emotional eating. i almost didn’t get it, because i didn’t really think that i was an emotional eater. but after reading only the first few chapters. i swear this book was written for me. i have many many issues and buried feelings regarding my self-worth. i spend most of my time doubting myself, feeling powerless, being fearful of life. it’s overwhelming. and i rarely feel good enough for anything or anyone. i’ve turned to many outlets of comfort throughout the years, food just happens to be one of them. 

here is an absolute prime example. i can go all weekend long without bingeing or even thinking about food or bingeing for that matter. i spend my weekends out and occupied with my boyfriend most of the time. but i can almost guarantee when sunday night rolls around, and im back home, feeling alone, rejected, bored, sad; i get hungry. it’s not even real hunger. but i feed it anyway. it seems the minute i walk in the house, no sooner after kissing my bf goodbye, i’ve already got my head in the refrigerator. why am i so afraid to feel anything bad? or why am i even feeling bad in the first place? why am i feeling rejected and unloved, i’ve just spent a great weekend with someone special. 

i think this emotional guilt and self-hatred are ultimately debilitating not only in my weight loss success but in all areas of success in my life. maybe it’s the reason that i’ve never pushed myself harder, never really put myself out there. i’m so afraid of rejection and hurting my self-image further, i stay protected beneath my security blanket of self-destructive behavior. 

i think every success story in weight loss essentially is the same. there’s no magic pill and magic program to make you lose weight. the only magic is believing in yourself that you can do it. that you are worth it. that you do have power and control over your own actions. someone said, “eating right and staying fit is really hard, but being fat and hating yourself is even harder”, so which hard will you choose to live?

i ran so far….

so today i really felt like running. running is something that i love to hate. im a terrible runner, but i get this sense of empowerment from it nevertheless. unfortunately i rarely do it. but i guess that’s bc i always feel like im not a runner. like i can’t do it. 

but today was different. after i said no to extra snacks, i felt so good, i thought, i can run today. and i did. i ran 5.3km. in just under 40 minutes. i know. very slow. but that’s not the point. today marks not only the farthest that i’ve ever ran, but also the longest amount of time without stopping. i didnt even know how far it really was til i google mapped it after i got home. 

i’m still in shock. amazed really. and so very proud of myself. i’m really making strides here, and i can see my work starting to pay off. i’m the same kid that couldn’t run the mile in gym class in high school. a mile, shit i couldn’t even make one lap. and today, i ran 5.3km. i could almost cry.

a true test of food strength…cooking

i really really felt like eating something awesome today. a break from the monotony. anyway, so i made stuffed peppers. they came out to 100 calories per 1/2 pepper. 

ingredients:

  • bulgur
  • TVP
  • onions
  • diced tomatoes
  • cumin, cinnamon, salt and pepper
  • dollop of light ricotta and nutritional yeast on top

they were amazing!

 

also, made these pumpkin cheesecake treats, (90 calories) and pumpkin cake (75 calories). amazing.

and i ate 2 pepper halves and had one each of the treats. and i wanted more so badly. but i said no. and ya know what. it wasn’t that hard. and ten minutes later i was over it.  

barely even cheated…

well, i’d like to keep this relatively short, bc i could probably go on for ages. but saturday night was my drawing class, and they were serving wine, cheese, crackers, fruits, cookies, and baby tarts. i had 3 glasses of wine, a bit of cheese, a few crackers, and some fruit. oh and a few nuts. i thought that was alright. i just couldn’t  not eat anything. 

and tonight, by the time i got home, i was so hungry, and i didn’t even want to wait to cook anything. and there was alot of already made stuff in the fridge. so i made a deal with myself that i could “taste” anything i wanted. and i had to do it slowly. so i took one or two normal bites and chewed slowly. keep in mind this is drastically different from my former binges of inhaling massive amounts of food and barely even tasting/chewing before it hit my stomach. i had 3 wheat thins dipped in guacamole, a sliver of brownie, a spoonful of mango nsa sorbet, a bite of macaroni/beef combo, 2 bites of meat/veg/rice noodle combo. i was actually hungry for a meal though, so i also made myself a whol wheat pita, spread with diavlo sauce that B’s mom gave me a while ago, and nutritional yeast sprinkled on top. and i also made my microwave chocolate cake with cherry yogurt on top. and my proudest moment through all of this….. while my cake was cooking and i was eating my “pizza”, i insisted that i was still needing something and took a few spoonfuls of the rest of my chili i made last week, and then decided, “ya know what… i dont even need to be eating this anymore” and i put the lid back on and put it away. keep in mind, former me would have thought, “well there really isn’t much left, i might as well finish it” 

other than that, i ate well overall. in fact, a few more proud moments over the weekend. friday, i made a delicious curry tofu stirfry. and i had eaten all but about 1/2 to 1 cup of it. and i was full, satisfied, not stuffed. former me would have just eaten the rest. i mean there wasn’t enough for another meal so why bother saving it. and wouldn’t want to waste it and throw it away. but instead. i put it away. 

also, when i made lunch today, which was fish, salad greens, and tabouli. i realized when i took out the amount of tabouli that i wanted, i saw there was barely any left in the container. former me would have just poured the rest onto my plate. i mean there wasn’t even a serving left for the next consumer. but instead, i did not. i mean who really cares if there is not much left in the container for the next person who opens it. this does not concern me. 

needless to say, secrets of a former fat girl is almost finished. and this book is amazing. i’ll put that in writing. she mentions so many things i thought i was solely guilty of posessing. one point i thought absolutely perfect, she mentions going out to eat she always had to stuff herself on anything and everything forbidden, like it’s the last meal. and that is exactly me. especially when it’s family taking me out. i always have to get something that i would never allow myself to eat at home, and i always have to eat massive amounts of it. as if i will never eat again. or that i always feel like i need the biggest of whatever it is. like enough is never just simply enough for me. she also mentions in the book, “you’re not like everyone else.” and i thought this statement was so well said. because its true. i’m not like everyone else. i can’t just look at food and not feel compelled to eat it. even if i’m not even hungry. take for instance, my boyfriend or my father since i have had this exact following conversation with both persons. they eat to not be hungry anymore. so whatever it is, especially what is most convenient. my boyfriend, if its breakfast and he’s alone, i guarentee you he made a bowl of cereals. but if i’m making breakfast and i make him eggs and toast, he’s certainly not opposed to it. but he doesn’t wake up in the morning and imagine this amazing hot breakfast and how good its going to be. but i’ll tell you what, 90% of the time, i know what i’m eating for breakfast the next morning right before falling asleep. 

so like she said, i’m not like everyone else. it’s going to take some time, and lots of rewiring my mode of thought. i mean this is 26 years of food obsession that i need to correct. so it certainly will not come overnight. i’m aware of that. but little by little, the changes i make will prevail. i have faith. in myself. and that’s all i really need, i suppose. 

i walked 12km today

took just under 2 hours too. i did it more on principal really than anything else. at first i started walking bc all i really wanted to do was eat. and i guess i was a bit sick of the stationary bike. and it was a rather nice day today, and i know there will not be many more left. so i started walking my usual route. but i decided to take a different turn and just keep going. after the first loop back to my house, i thought, that really wasnt so hard, in fact, i bet you can do it again, self. and just like that, i kept on going. and once i started the second loop, there was really no stopping or turning back. granted by the time i was finished i was a bit tired, for sure, and hungry, and glad to be home. but i feel so accomplished that i even did it. without bitching too. i love going for walks, and i love being outside; i get to think the best really. 

i was looking at the calendar today, and i’m supposed to get my period in a week. so maybe that’s why my binge cravings have been on high alert. then again, my period hasn’t been the most reliable thing these past few months.