you are what you eat

so its been just about a week now binge free. i’ve definitely eaten things that were not on the healthiest of sides, but… the big but, i didnt binge until i was sick at all. which is in itself an amazing feat. im sure just doing that i’ve been lower in calories by avoiding binges. 

i think maybe getting the binges under control once and for all, and making smarter and smarter choices everyday, and warm weather permitting running outside, will all incorporate an overall well-being. much more so than a crazy strict diet that i can’t even adhere to. i just cant do it. not right now anyway. its not to say that i dont have faith in myself, but it makes me feel so bad about myself when i mess up. that im a total failure. 

im constantly in this race with myself to lose weight super fast. and its just not going to happen. i want to do it for so many wrong reasons. and i think it just sabotages me in the end. i have this idea that if i just lose more weight, that if im skinny, maybe my bf will find me more attractive. thats the biggest reason, i think. which is absurd, i know. but the fact that i dont feel impt in my relationship is not because of my physical appearance, but perhaps because the relationship is not working out. 

so anyway, thats it for now. 

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