b-2 ww toasts w pb and nutella

s- banana

l- ww pita w vegs, can of tuna, lf swiss

s- apple

s-raw brocc, lf swiss

d-salad, chick peas, vegs, lite greek dressing, 3 scoops froz yogurt

you are what you eat

so its been just about a week now binge free. i’ve definitely eaten things that were not on the healthiest of sides, but… the big but, i didnt binge until i was sick at all. which is in itself an amazing feat. im sure just doing that i’ve been lower in calories by avoiding binges. 

i think maybe getting the binges under control once and for all, and making smarter and smarter choices everyday, and warm weather permitting running outside, will all incorporate an overall well-being. much more so than a crazy strict diet that i can’t even adhere to. i just cant do it. not right now anyway. its not to say that i dont have faith in myself, but it makes me feel so bad about myself when i mess up. that im a total failure. 

im constantly in this race with myself to lose weight super fast. and its just not going to happen. i want to do it for so many wrong reasons. and i think it just sabotages me in the end. i have this idea that if i just lose more weight, that if im skinny, maybe my bf will find me more attractive. thats the biggest reason, i think. which is absurd, i know. but the fact that i dont feel impt in my relationship is not because of my physical appearance, but perhaps because the relationship is not working out. 

so anyway, thats it for now. 

i made it 3 days

without a binge. that’s it. but that’s ok. no dwelling. no hating. no guilt. it is what it is. but…….. i tried to really grasp what i was feeling. what was happening. 

basically it started bc i wanted pizza. like really wanted pizza. but i refused to buy it. so i was eating all these other things. like some pasta, bread with pb and nutella. some cookies and some pretzels. none of which resembled pizza. so im not sure why i binged. if i let myself eat the pizza would i have just been satisfied and not have felt the need to overeat and binge since i ate what i really wanted anyway. is that why i kept eating, b/c everything that i ate was nothing that i really wanted. it is an idea. instead of settling for something that i dont really want, maybe i should just enjoy in moderation what i do want. 

 

peek into what could be

one more thing, over nye/xmas when i was home, i was staying w a fren for a few days. granted, we didn’t eat much, but that’s bc we were focused on other things, like drinking.  :|

anyway, i was feeling rather thin and dehydrated, so i decided to make a brief appearance with the scale. now, i’ve never used this scale. so i can’t really compare it to my normal weight read out. but…..

it said 142. im sure i didn’t lose any real valid weight or fat. but just seeing a scale. any scale. a scale that said 142 while it supported the weight of my entire body on top of it, was simply astonishing. 

so yeah i’m ringing in at 149.6 these days on the regular scale. but ya know what, 142 may be possible in the not so distant future. 

baby steps, stellart, baby steps

sometimes when i exercise, especially walking or running, i chant to myself in my head. “i’m a strong and healthy woman. i am in control of my life” i swear i do it over and over again, each time i take a step. sometimes the end looks so far away, and i have to remind myself, ill get there, just one step at a time. 

today, i realized that i need to incorporate that into my daily routine with everything. baby steps. today, after lunch, i really really wanted to keep eating. so i was going to make some popcorn, and brush and rinsed with listerine instead. and the burst of excitment i got from not giving in to snacks felt so good. it always does. so why is it so easy to forget about it when im faced with temptation. 

i was reading another poster’s blog earlier, and he had a similar entry. one day at a time. if you fuck up, you do. move on. its not the end of the world. ive heard this from all successful losers. they’ve all fallen a million times. no one really loses weight successfully, flawlessly. we’re humans. we all make mistakes. 

but not excuses. i need to be more accountable to myself, like other poster mentioned, as well. i need to quit lying to myself. those little bites here and there do add up, and will add up. who am i hurting by not writing it down, or by sneaking it when no one is looking. me!!! the very person that i am most concerned with. no on else wants me to get fit in this world more than i do. so why cheat my own self. it’s useless. 

conclusion, i need to recognize the tiny victories in my journey. like brushing instead of snacking today. it’s an accomplishment, even if it didn’t result in a 5 pound loss. i’ll get there. i know i will. i just have to believe it. bc it is very much possible. 

today sucked, but i did not binge

so i found out today that a fren passed away over the weekend. a fren i have a somewhat intimate history with. one of my favorites. i was feeling a bit sad, a bit weird the whole day. 

also, talking to B today pissed me off a bit. we’re going on a trip this weekend with his family. and he suggests i bring a book to read while he goes snowboarding since i wont be. sometimes i think his choice of words is bullshit. he’s an interesting person. let’s just leave it at that. so needless to say, i was a bit offended, i guess is the right word to use. sometimes he’s more of a fren, than a bf. but such is life. i just try to keep it in perspective and not let it bring me down. it is what it is. 

so for whatever reasons, today was just not my day. and yesterday was a bit rough. i may have possibly done some overeating. ok i totally did. and saturday night, i may have possibly drank a pitcher of beer. 

but today i did level 3 of 30ds. a-ma-zing. seriously. i loved it. supa hard. i was definitely sweating. alot. i also walked outside between 3-4 miles. 

and, later, after talking about my dead fren, and talking to B. and being all heated and frustrated and angry, and all i wanted to do was eat alot. i didn’t! i didn’t. i took control of my actions. and honestly. it feels fucking great. why can’t i always remember to do this. taking control and not bingeing feels so much more amazing than bingeing ever does. 

i feel good. and tomorrow. maybe i’ll walk even longer. i have lots of free time tomorrow. i think i might like to walk a few hours. just to do it, ya know. 

yesterday was good

so yesterday was my first day really committing. being on track. and honestly, it wasnt that bad. when i have structure, and i set limits for myself, it’s not that hard to follow. i need structure. and i know that i need it. so i dont even know why i function any other way. it only stresses me out further and i lose all control. 

so yesterday i did level 1 nd 2 of 30ds. and i ate within my points. even like 2 points under. and i wasnt hungry at all. i didnt even crave anything really. i didn’t even want sweets. maybe i was just so disgusted with the way things were going. 

anyway, i feel good. i feel motivated. 

i read a post on 3fc from a girl i did not expect to say this:

“remember that what you feed yourself is a direct reflection on what your body looks like.”

woooooooow, so fucking true. if you are eating shit food, your going to look like shit. plain and simple. 

some personal goals i’ve set

so i thought it would be a good idea to set some concrete goals for myself. some smaller goals too, not just my overall goal. after going to the WW meeting the other day, that’s what the lady said to do. and then when you meet those goals, celebrate your acheivements and stay motivated. 

so my overall long term goal is 135, and a size 6. i want to be thin. 

march 1 - weigh 145

april 1 - weigh 140

may 1 - weigh 135

 

current weight 150. 

 

recommiting….again

o…………k.

so i went to a WW meeting yesterday in my town. and everyone was really quite nice, but i just dont think that it’s something that i can really afford at the moment. but it sort of lit a fire under my ass, and i remembered how much i do not want to be a fatty. 

so i decided that maybe i should try to count points on my own at home. get back to eating more whole foods. cut back on the alcohol. and stop with the cookies. good lord. 

so today is going well, thus far. it seems that my days go well, it’s the evenings that i really have the trouble with. but as long as i tell myself, that it’s not an option. and actually stick with it, then i should be back on track in no time. 

i did level 2 followed by level 1 of 30DS today. its snowing outside, so i really dont feel like going for a walk to be honest. but i worked my ass off doing that extra level today. my legs feel like jello. 

sometimes i feel like my only motivation comes from when i start feeling like a fat slob, and then i get on track, til i get lazy again, and the cycle thus perpetuates. 

at some point i hope to achieve the success of not only being thin, but also breaking free from the vicious cycle on bingeing and restriction. it’s exhausting. 

why am i so complacent

why can’t i stay motivated. what is the problem. i’ve thought about joining weight watchers just to have someone to report to. but i can’t justify spending that kind of money. i know how to eat right, that’s not the problem. i just choose not to do it. there’s the problem. 

yesterday, i ate an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels. that’s 4 servings. wtf. i just dont know why i do these things. 

at least i’m still exercising. so that’s good. i’ve been doing 30DS monday through friday. and i’ve been walking at least 3 miles those same days. saturdays and sundays i dont do anything except roll around in the hay with B. that’s exercise enough, i guess. 

it just seems like i’ve lost my mojo. i was so excited before. and then i just kinda fell off as the weather got colder and colder. it’s like all i want to do is hibernate and eat shitty food and drink lots of wine on weekends. 

at least i started keeping a journal again, even if its writing down off plan foods. shit i dont even have a plan these days. i’ve been trying desperately to avoid overeating and bingeing. so i’m trying not to forbid myself of certain foods that i want. and rather by allowing myself to eat what i actually want, i’ll be less inclined to overeat. but i’m not sure if it’s hindering weight loss overall though. 

i’ve been hovering at 150 pounds for some time now. i dont know what my problem is. how do i get back on the track of things. i just try to keep walking. keep walking and keep my mind off eating. during the day really isnt the challenge, it’s at night when the lights go out, and covers come up and i just want to hibernate. 

so i’m still debating whether no not to try weight watchers. and pay the money, if only for the accountability.