Hurdles July 4, 2011
So I had a binge just now. I ate near enough a half block of cheese, and at least 8 crackers. It’s not the worst thing I could have done; I could have eaten the whole block. But it still makes me feel like crap. Not only is the dairy making me feel nauseous, I feel like I’m pushing myself back to square one. I can’t get to sleep because I feel so guilty, and so angry at myself. It’s going to be the main challenge of being back here with my parents; there is so much food in the cupboards, fridge and freezer, including foods I would never buy myself. What makes it harder is that I am very good at hiding my binges, and I can’t control them. Tonight I had three baked potatoes with my dinner. THREE! That’s just ridiculous! I need someone around me all the damn time, watching what I’m eating, making sure I’m not eating too much… that’s what I got in Lancaster whilst Nathan wasn’t working. It’s what I need.
Someone my mum works with gave her a list of numbers for addiction and eating disorder help lines. I might be going to a eating disorders support group on Thursday; I’ll have to go by myself, which is making me feel very nervous.
I was feeling so great today. I did a turn or two on the exercise bike this morning, and I was feeling motivated. Now I feel like rubbish.