Well I have been on weight watchers now a whole week. Have to say it feels a lot longer but I supppose the hardest part is at the start when you have all of the bad habits to break. Do feel like I am getting into my stride now.

Only had one blip this week when I went over points on my binge at the weekend. Asked my husband to wager a non money bet as to how much I might lose tonight and he reckons 3lbs. I am hoping for a bit more, the usual water retention loss in the first week. We will see. Have to say though I am quite excited about it!!

Will log whatever I lose later.

Some time later that evening…..

Well went to my weigh in and lost 4.5 lbs. Am now 291lbs.Why am I a bit dissapointed? I suppose I thought I would lose more because of the ole water retention and how usually on the first week you lose a silly amount that gets you so enthused that you are all guns blazing for the next week. Hmmmm

Have to be realistic here. 4.5lbs down is so much better than staying the same or God forbid putting on even more weight.

So I will be very happy and thankful for that loss and keep on track for the next week and hopefully be down again next week.

Its looking like my father in law has cancer. We will know more in the next week when more tests are done. I cant believe this last year. I lost my own father to cancer 9 mths ago, then in quick succession after that I lost my favourite Uncle and an old family friend. All to cancer. Its such a horrible disease that seems to catch up with everyone at some point.

The hardest part of losing my father was that my kids are so young and their memories of him will be so limited. Now I am watching my father in law hug and kiss my boys and it really breaks my heart to think that they are going to lose him too. 

I really could go on and on here about how sad I am but really I need to be strong for my husband and help him get through this horrible time. He lost his own mother when he was just a child so his father is all he has and he is very close to him. .

Food wise though, I am happy to say I have been fine. Hopefully I can continue to see that food is not the way to deal with sadness or grief and keep strong.

Would also like to say thank you to the people who have left some nice comments on here. Totally unexpected and pleasant surprise!

It really hit me last night that I have a huge problem with food. Probably much bigger a problem than I have ever realised.

I have never had a good relationship with food. When I was a young teenager I discovered bulimia. This stayed with me on and off for 10 years. I never got any help to overcome it, it just gradually became boring and I also started to confide in my partner (now husband) and I began to realise how gross it was. So I stopped the action of bulimia but my problems were still there.

Then began a long relationship with every new diet/pill/potion that came to the market. Spent a fortune and just kept gaining those pounds. I couldn’t grasp that I could lose weight sensibly, there always had to be some sacrifice, some form of half starving myself. I think anyone who has had an eating disorder has this type of mentality and its only when you realise you can eat 3 meals a day and still lose weight that you are better.

Then about 12 years ago something very horrible happened to my family and we lost someone we loved very much under terrible circumstances. I don’t want to go into it but the repercussions for me personally was that I went into a terrible depression (didn’t realise it at the time though) and I quite frankly slowly but surely gave up. Everything u turned. I no longer bothered with the pills and crazy diets (the irony that this was probably a healthy decision to make for my body went over my head and wasn’t intentional) and I just started to eat and drink and go further and further into depression. I even think a bit of me felt liberated, no more bulimia, no more dieting…

So even though I would probably say that the years since I got married and had kids have really piled the weight on, I know that really it was this point in my life and when depression took over that my problems really started.

Yesterday I had a great day, within points and all well Last night my husband went to a birthday party; I wasn’t too interested in going and so stayed at home and saved the babysitter money. Then at some point the shutters went down, the denial brain took over and I just started bingeing. There was no bad food in the house but I still managed to binge on all the low fat stuff. Crazy.

I know I have a lot of weight to lose, I know I have terrible issues with food and bingeing. I also know I am getting better because I can finally acknowledge this.

God bless my husband. I really do love him.

We have known eachother for 20 years this year. Met as teenagers, broke eachothers hearts and then got back together , got married , ate a lot and the rest is history.

We are sitting down last night having a glass of wine. This is my super danger time of the day. All day I can be fantastic food wise, even get a bit of exercise in.  But once the kids are in bed and its just me and the hub , we know we have a few hours on our own to chill out and relax.

Since we had the kids we have gotten into an awful habit of just vegging in front of the TV, glass of wine and copious treats. It is like a competition to see how much we can get in our gobs in one go. Sometimes, when I am not in an eating frenzy, I will sit back and think `If anyone saw this they would think I was crazy’. ( Well actually, I reckon they would think `Well that explains her weight then, doesnt it?`)

I am trying to remember a typical food binge and it would be something like this

Crisps/popcorn and peanuts mix in a large bowl

Chocolate

Hummus and pitta bread

Cheese and crackers and some grapes.

Just sounds crazy doesnt it? I couldnt even tell you if I enjoyed any of it or remember eating half of it.

Anyhow, as I am on weight watchers and pointing my food I allowed for 2 glasses of wine and a medium bowl of popcorn.

Typically, popcorn was gone in about 3 minutes. I even started eating the kernels that hadnt popped.

Well my husband, obviously feeling my pain went into the kitchen and came back with 2 plates, one for each of us. They were identical.

There was probably a bag of lettuce and one chopped tomato poured onto the plate but under the green mass was a ryvita slice ( like a crispbread) with a shaving of chesse on it.

I cracked up laughing at this lettuce suprise and my husband turned to me and said ‘ Theres your rabbit food, eat it and get used to it’ . And he turned, took a deep breath and dug in himself.

Gotta love a bit of support when the popcorn has gone!!

So just a quick first entry.

I originally discovered this site nearly 10 years ago. I was a bride to be and weighed under 200lbs and was pretty frantic to get the weight down for the wedding. Lost some weight and had a fantastic wedding day but now I sit here, logging on again but weighing in at 295.5lbs.

My big goal is to get to 200lbs and the irony is smacking me in the face..

I cant quite believe how much weight I have put on over the last few years.  I have taken a before picture of myself this evening and it occurred to me how I look like someone who really doesnt like themselves, dead in the eyes and so much older than my years. I have lost my individuality and the fun me who went out socialising, went to gigs, had a life!

Hence, the name for my blog. When Irish eyes are smiling is an ole Irish song and I quite frankly want to see my eyes smiling and dancing like they used to.

Oh yes, I should add I am Irish!

Thats all for now, I have so much more to get off my chest (and bum and belly!!) so I intend to blog a lot.

Good luck to eveyone on their journey.