Still cant get my head around weighing in yet. I know my heart is still not in it 100% to get back on the diet wagon but I am getting there. Just read another girls blog and I just completly got where she was coming from. So many of us on here are so desperately unhappy with our weight and in a visious cycle of destruction.

Will keep posting and I will get there.

Well back again.

So basically in a nutshell I had my Dads anniversary in July and by June I was in a pretty deep depression and completly stressed out.

Once Dads anniversary passed I felt a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders but I can see now that I was still emotionally drained and depleted. Diet went out the window and food binges followed.

I am not sure what I weigh at the moment but I do know I need to get myself sorted.

Weighed in today and surprisingly was down 3lbs! More than happy with that. I was a bit peeved last week with the 1.5lbs loss but looking back now I think that was TOM bloating.

So onwards and upwards. Nearly at my first goal (to break 280lbs). I am so happy I have started this weight loss journey. So much is going on at the moment and I know previously I would have been stuffing food into my face to help me get through, but touch wood, so far I am able to make sense of that sort of overeating and not give in….

Really need to start exercising though. Just unbelievably unmotivated come the evenings. Weather here is rotten as well, its meant to be summer and we are having hail storms! Just puts a big blahhh on the day when it isnt sunny and the kids are going crazy stuck indoors all day.

Was sitting back having a think about things last night and it really struck me how much I have changed over the last few years. I think I really understand the term ‘letting yourself go’.. 

I know that I have had issues and losses in my life but still, I dont really get why I went into myself so much and started using food to such an extreme. I certainly dont get at what point you stop seeing reality in the mirror and not see the damage you have done to your body. Where did my self esteem go to or that thrill of looking good, getting compliments and overall feeling good in my body and mind?

I dont know if I will ever have the answers, but like I said I am so glad I have started to turn things around and started to like myself. I know I deserve this as much as I know my previous habits made me a reclusive misery.

Well we got the news today that I was dreading. My FIL’s cancer is terminal, they are giving him up to 6 mths. Really shocked to hear this to be honest. I knew it was cancer but I dont know, when the person is there in front of you, you dont really imagine that they are going to die.

He has the option to do some chemo, but the doctor isnt really pushing that idea. I suppose we will have to wait and see how things pan out.

I feel so sad for my DH and for my kids. They are losing another Grandad who absolutely dotes on them. I  am just really hoping I can keep it together for us all and be strong in the months ahead. I cant believe this is happening again, after the nightmare of seeing my own father die of cancer less than a year ago. Life is really sh*t sometimes.

With regard ww, that is going ok. I really have to keep with it and not eat my way through the next few months. Its not the answer and will just make me feel worse. Just have to stay focused and seperate grief from eating crap.

I had my weigh in today and am down 1.5lbs. hmmmmm

Was a bit surprised, but then I know there are a few things I can change for the better this week.

• Stop juggling my points all over the place!
• Drink more water
• Re discover exercising

Also when I looked at it all more closely I saw that in 3 weeks I am down 11lbs! That is great.

So much going on at the moment. Lots of family stress and I just need to keep finding that balance where I still find time for myself and stay normal.

Havent blogged for a few days, all going well though.

I really do like and get encouragement seeing people reading my blog or leaving posts but some things are just a bit too personal to put out there. Hence the last 2 posts have been password protected. Hope no one is offended or let down!

I have been doing ok, still off all the crap, having the odd over point day but going over on healthy food. The ability to exercise has left my body for the moment. Really will have to work at that.

Like I mentioned previously I have started crafted again and it is taking up pretty much all of my spare time at the moment. I have just spent a ridiculous amount of time searching the internet for good value woven labels so I had really better get back to my housework!

Short post, all well and I am doing well. I guess I am at that ’starting to get easier/ this is normality’ stage of dieting….

Start weight 295.5lbs

Week 1 291lbs (down 4.5lbs)

Week 2 286.5 lbs (down 4.5lbs)

Week 3 285 lbs (down 1.5lbs)

Week 4 282lbs (down 3lbs)

First goal is to break 280`s. That would be just over a stone gone.

My computer seems to be constantly crashing. I wrote a big blog yesterday for it to run off into cyber abyss just as I hit the Publish button… Grrr

Anyhow, to recap.

Weigh in yesterday and was 4.5lbs down again. Very happy with that. More than on target for my first mini goal but all too aware that I need to just keep at it.

I am getting back into my crafts. I started this last year after my Dad died. I wanted some way to shift the overwhelming grief into something positive . I had a sewing machine gathering dust for a few years and I got it out one night, looked up some You Tube tutorials as to how to get started and voila, by that christmas I was selling a few pieces at a local craft fair. Really felt great, not just to make some money but to have people actually wanting to buy what I had made.

My sister is also into making crafts so we are going to join forces and do household crafts (typically kitchenware) and sell again at the summer markets and xmas fairs.

Also, if I can keep my hands busy they aren’t rummaging around for goodies in the evenings!!

As I mentioned before my father in law is sick, we still have had no definite results back. He is on to No 2 biopsy after the first came back inconclusive. Last night my hub really broke down, I think it has finally dawned on him that this could be it. But still, fingers crossed, nothing definite yet.

Well it was a bank holiday here in Ireland this past weekend. Such a danger time for dieters. There is so much extra on as people really do see it as a mini holiday. I think I did ok, maybe a few points over a few days. I felt like I was eating a lot but it was all healthy stuff, no crap.

Over the weekend we took a trip to a supermarket that is a good bit away from where we live. We only go once every couple of months but it always has great deals and special offers so it is worth the trip money wise. So we get there, hubby brings the kids to a playground to run off some steam and I hit the aisles with my super sized trolley.

However I quickly realised one thing. Bar offers on meat and fish, most of their special offers where on processed foods, chocolate, huge packs of crisps, biscuits etc. Basically all CRAP! Now normally I would have had a field day running up and down the aisles grabbing all these specials and filling the trolley with high fat sugary food. This time however I was half way through the aisles and my trolley was full of fruit, veg, fish and some chicken.  There was practically shelves of food I didnt bother looking at (or rather chose not to in case I went into a feeding frenzy right there and then!!)

I know this is all pretty obvious stuff. Of course supermarkets have all sorts of food , good and bad and obviously if you are dieting you avoid the bad stuff. But what really got me was the push from the supermarkets to sell the crap food. There was a 24 pack of crisp on offer, buy one get one free. It worked out cheaper to get 48 packets of crisps than to get a bag of apples!

Yes the supermarkets are there to meet customer demands but I have a strong feeling they know exactly what they are doing. Push the high fat/sugar foods, get them addicted and have them come back again and again for more. Oh and then we will try and flog some over priced dieting solutions which wont work.

Cynical, Me??

Ok rant over. What have I learnt though? Well I do believe my shopping habits have changed dramatically. There was a millisecond of temptation to get the high fat/sugar special offers, having bought them before I know they USED to taste great. But I have a little chat with myself now when I get those small temptations. I tell myself it is the millions of times I have given in/ told myself just this one etc etc that have me weighing in this heavy and quite frankly its just not worth it!!

Havent had a chance to blog for the last few days but all has been well.

My initial disappointment with my weigh in this week has gone, and I am truly happy with how my first week went. Really feel like I am getting into this now and realise that this is it, not for a few months but for life. I think as well I am getting out of that mentality of starving myself to lose weight and realising I need to eat to fuel my body and make it work. How I wish I had realised all of this years ago, so many years wasted crash dieting and doing damage to my body.

My sister is 40 today. I am probably closest to this particular sister ( I have 3). She is going through such a hard time. Her girl is 13 and recently diagnosed with anorexia. Such a complex disease and having had an eating disorder myself it breaks my heart to see her so young and doing this to herself.  You start off getting into these disorders having no clue of how they will take over your life and turn you into someone else. You think you are in control and you have finally found the cure to all your problems and you will finally be thin. And you are in control for a while but then… it all changes.

Myself I know that although I no longer purge, I still (or I was) bingeing. I have huge issues with self control around food, I have a tremendously low opinion of myself, I have huge regrets. What I am trying to say is that even if you are ‘cured’ from you disorder, the damage mentally never really heals.

I think that is why my heart is broken for this little girl. She has opened a box of tricks that she may eventually close but it will never be locked shut.

I have been thinking about her a lot and it occurred to me recently how anorexics and overeaters have so much in common. They both use food to self medicate, be it overeating or starving. They continue to eat/starve to the point that they are putting their life in danger. They have a warped view on how they look, an anorexic sees a fat person and personally I had no clue that I had gotten as big as I had or that I looked so huge. My niece is around 80 lbs and I am 291 lbs, she obviously will need to get to hospital soon and be fed by drips and me? well I am termed morbidly obese. Doctors are giving women smaller than me the go ahead to have gastric surgery to save their lives.

Time will tell how my niece does and thankfully I am doing something to change my obesity. But like my niece, it is hard to take in the health risks involved when you are 80lbs or 291lbs. Both of us need to change to save our lives.

Good luck to everyone on this road to recovery and health.