24 Sep, 2012
Posted by: somuchfattitude In: Crazy
Long story short: I used to be crazy. I thought I’d battled all of my demons and conquered them. I thought I was fine. I thought this was all over. So, I’m not exactly sure where to start this or how to start it, so bare with me.
Can fat people have eating disorders? It seems kind of illogical, right? Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been coming to terms that I think I do have an eating disorder. I’m still wrapping my head around it and I guess I’ve been in denial for a very long time about it.
In attempt for some sort of cathartic release: I meticulously count every single calorie, gram of fat, protein, carb, sodium, etc, I will never lose enough weight to be happy, I often avoid social events so I can control my food surroundings, I think about food non stop, my endocrinologist has made comments about my skin having nutrient deficiencies, I have taken diet pills and diuretics, I never feel satisfied no matter how much or how little I eat so it’s easier to skip meals, if I blow one meal I will punish myself all week, I watch the food network and research low calorie meals a ridiculous amount, I’ve often felt angry with myself for not having the self control to just stop eating, when people tell me they think I’ve lost weight I get very angry because I don’t think I have, I don’t see my 106lb weight loss in the mirror – I still see that fat girl staring at me. Food has consumed my life and I hate it.
When the weight wasn’t coming off like I wanted it to I start exercising insane amounts which made the weight stay even more because I netting my calorie intake in the negatives on a daily basis. I actually somewhat enjoy working out now. I love the triathlons and 5ks and 10ks and bike rides, so I ultimately enjoy the training I do for them. I don’t workout like a nut job now and aim for 3-5 times a week for 1-1.5 hours at a time.
I’m trying to find some sort of balance now. I’ve recognized something is wrong and I need to work on it. I broke yesterday on a long car drive with my husband and just cried when he commented that I don’t ever loosen up anymore and just have fun. I’m always on edge and stressed. That food/calories have consumed my existence and it’s all I think about. He was concerned that I couldn’t sit with him on the beach and have one beer because I was so preoccupied with my calories. He supports my weight loss, but at same time wants his wife back – and his social life since I typically try to avoid social situations that involve me eating/drinking. We used to play trivia every week (which he loves) but I get so stressed about what I’m eating/drinking that I would find reasons not to go.
I fear my all or nothing mindset has brought me to this place of obsession with food and calories and exercise. I am so hyper vigilant and so stressed about it that I have simply stopped losing weight and play this lose 10 – gain 10 game. I guess admitting I have a problem is the hardest step, right?
I’ve picked up a couple of books to try and work through some issues I have. I’m hopeful. I think… Mostly, I’m scared. Scared of failing something else I’m trying, working through these books and still having the same issues. I’m at my breaking point because what I’m doing isn’t working. I live in extremes and I’d like to just make some sort of peace with my poor body that I’ve put through the wringer. I deserve better that what I’m doing to myself…now I just need to believe that, too.