Just Me

Summer 2012

At my heaviest - 262.8lbs

I used to internalize my emotions and would not eat as a child. At 5′ 7″ I normally weighed between 130 - 140 pounds during my young adult life before kids. At 22, I put on 80lbs during my first pregnancy. I had still not lost all the baby weight by the time I got pregnant with my second child and immediately decided I would do this second pregnancy very differently and started to eat right and walked everywhere. I did light exercise and elimated fast foods. During the first 5 months of that pregnancy, I lost 25lbs and was told by the doctor I needed to gain some weight. By my due date, I had gained 5lbs. Within weeks after the birth of my second child, I weighed less than I ever did before having kids.

For many years after the birth of my second child, I was dedicated to eating right, exercise and living right. I didn’t drink and even quit smoking at 30. At my lowest, I weighed 118lbs.

After my children were in school full-time, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands. I went back into the work force full-time and had to make some very tough decisions. By this time, I had found myself a single mother and needed to make a life for them. I realized I couldn’t do it “all” so I was forced to give up the exercise (I was in the gym 5hrs a day/5days a week at this point). I didn’t know how to balance the gym with working full-time and raising children.

Over the next 15 years, I slowly gained weight despite my best efforts to keep it off. During this time, I found out I had developed Hashimoto’s disease (hypo-thyroidism) and eventually (and more recently) diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My father died from a ruptured brain aneurysm in January 2001 (the night of my birthday) and then 5 months later, my step-father succumbed to non-hodgkins lymphoma (cancer). The previous year, my mother lost a breast to cancer and my grandfather (my mother’s father) died from old age.

So here I am today, unable to exercise or walk any distance. My children are adults now and my role in life is changing yet again. When I was young, I had a name - Janice. I had children and I was known as “mom” and don’t forget the title of wife off and on during those years. It would appear I have come full circle and need to find out who “Janice” is and I honestly have no idea who that person is. And I don’t think I ever really have.

This is my journey in a couple of different ways. First, to lose this weight in a healthy way. Second, to come to terms with the buried grief and loss I have been running from since 2001 (the death of my father happened so fast and my life was so crazy busy at the time, I never even cried when I got the call that he had died that night) and more importantly, to find out who Janice is.

NOTES:

I cannot and/or will not eat any of the following to lose weight: anything containing MSG, pork, “diet” foods, chemical preservatives, GMO’d products, or pre-packaged meals.

This is not going to be easy, but I am hoping to find something or someone that can help me lose this weight naturally and with natural foods.