Just need to get my feelings out right now.
The past few weeks have been very hard for me. Emotionally I’m distraught and physically, I’m really FAT once again. I’ve packed on over 20 pounds since I hurt my back and I’m so discouraged. Still unable to work out and now that I’m transitioning back into work and up to 4 hours a day for 5 days a week, I am in a lot of pain once again. Spending all my free time laying down and taking a LOT of advil to help ease the pain. And the real kicker in returning to work is that I know once I’m back up to 8 hours a day, my employer will abandon me and won’t give me any shifts because they won’t be forced to keep me working once WSIB feels I’m “healthy” once again. I see the writing on the wall and there’s absolutely NOTHING I can do about it! This makes me so angry, frustrated and hurt. After all the hours spent working hard for my employer, the Holiday Inn and they will ultimately turn their backs on me in the end.
So at the end of all this, I’ll have no job and no income. I’ll still be recovering from my back injury that happened at work and I haven’t been able to find another job at all. Not that I’d be able to work somewhere else anytime soon, I’ve still been looking for another job that’s less physically demanding without any callbacks whatsoever. Feeling so hopeless right now.
And to make matters worse, I eat out of depression and then feel worse because I was too weak to resist eating. I’m eating all day right up until I go to bed at night and start all over when I wake up next morning. How depressing is that!?! I sure wish I had a friend. And this makes the depression worse… knowing I’ve got no one to talk to but this stupid journal that doesn’t help me anymore.
What I really need is a nutritionist, dietitian, personal trainer, or a bullet… one of these would fix everything in a second.
I’ve recently been watching a television show called, “I Used To Be Fat” which is about 18 year olds who are about to go to college and need to lose some serious poundage over the summer. During the course of the show, the trainers usually get into the “whys” of the eating and ultimate weight gain. A lot of the kids say they “don’t know” but typically we find out the reason and then they get serious about dropping the pounds.
Well with this said, it’s got me to thinking about the “whys” I have fallen back into my old habits since I’ve been off work with my back injury. When I ponder how I feel, I find I have to dig very deep just to touch the tip of the iceberg that is my buried emotions but one thing that continues to stand out is the very deep sadness I feel. And then when I think about the sadness and actually allow myself to ponder that emotion, I can feel myself burying it once again. Moments of clarity reveal a few of the reasons for the great sadness. My biological father (dad) died on January 4, 2001 and five months later, my step-father (pa) finally died from a long battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma on May 18, 2001. I was very close to both of them. I have also realized I DO NOT talk about these people at all. I avoid any and all conversations involving my dad and my pa and while I sit here typing, I can feel my eyes want to cry but I am pushing those feelings back down again with a hard swallow in my throat.
A deep sadness for the loss of a long-time “friend” who I had trusted with my life and had even left her everything in my will who ultimately betrayed me when I allowed her to live with me and my husband and kids after she was released from hospital a few years ago. She had almost died from flesh eating disease and spent 2 months in ICU then another 2 months in hospital undergoing several surgeries to remove more rotting flesh on several parts of her body. She had been living in squalor with her adult daughter in a small town and had not told me how bad her situation really was but once I found out what happened, I stepped in to help because her daughter did not want to deal with her mother any longer. There’s a lot more going on here but feel I need to stick to the point. So I arranged everything for my friend. Got her on social assistance, put her on a government housing list and brought her to my house after she was discharged from hospital so she could continue to recover and gain strength enough to live on her own again. In the three months she stayed with us, she lied to me and my family, her friends and physicians. She tried to turn my kids against me by poisoning their minds with lies. It was so bad she had my son almost hating me and his sister at one point and it got so bad that he finally confronted me about it and that’s when everything came out. I found out what she had been doing behind my back and I kicked her out of my house. At this point she had recovered sufficiently enough that she was able to live on her own but had been avoiding any progress that involved her actually taking the necessary steps to be independent. She left the very next morning with nothing more than a trash bag of her belongings and no apology whatsoever. I’ve not seen or heard from her since. I was heartbroken when she did this to me and I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. She was the ONLY friend I’ve had in 20+ years and now that she’s gone, I’ve got no one to talk to at all. This bit is really hard to face. Sure lots of people have come into my life but none have become a true friend. I know a LOT of people, but none of them are friends at all. They never call, we never hang out… nothing…. I would try to extend a hand of friendship only to have it cut off when they say they don’t have time or lie to me by saying, “we’ll have to get together another time” then that never happens either.
I think another reason for my eating habits is a very deep depression I’m struggling with in how much of a failure I feel I am. I had so many aspirations when I was younger and never achieved any of them. I wanted to be a nurse and gave that career up in the first month of work to raise my children all because of a man who came into my life and he wanted me to stay home with the children. Who would have known this man would be the WORST thing to come into my life and ended up in a very abusive relationship for the next 6 years and had to protect my children from this animal on a daily basis. I think I carry a lot of guilt for being so stupid and not seeing the signs before this man wooed me with his charms and suckered me into his wicked web of deceit and cruelty. Then after the marriage, I felt I needed to stay in the relationship because that’s just what women did back then. We were taught by our parents that once married, always married; no matter what. So I tried to make it all work and keep the kids safe at the same time; so quite often I bore the brunt of that man’s anger and terror until I felt I could not take the abuse any longer and we fled into a protective shelter under police protection.
Well, I think I’ve opened up very old wounds long enough and it’s now time to bury these emotions once again. I think I’ll order a large pepperoni pizza for breakfast and abuse my body some more because I really do hate myself that much right now…. I’m so weak and pathetic… I deserve to be fat and ugly.