I finally have a chance to sit down at my computer this morning having had my breakfast of 2 fried eggs, over easy, 1c of grits and a few pieces of bacon with my very delicious cup of coffee (522cals). I came to a realization yesterday over my situation with my back injury and weightloss journey. So much has been going on these past couple of months since I’ve been off work, it’s hard to sum it up into words at times but I think it might be possible to at least attempt to write it honestly and then face the facts found in black and white when I’m done writing.
Back Injury: April 6, 2013 – Massive Pain after wrenching back at work. Unable to do anything at all including sleep, walk or exercise. Let alone, work!
May 23, 2013 – WSIB assessment doctor and physiotherapist agree I should only be walking in water and state my gait is very bad at this time. Summary report given to me states same.
Ongoing: WSIB refuse to pay medical, transportation and missed wages. Finances are hard and husband is having to work extra hours to try to make up the loss but still not enough. Son is also helping with finances, but again, still not enough. They continue to be difficult, avoiding, evading and contradictory while I suffer with back injury and constant pain. I have applied for sick benefits from unemployment but my employer is being evasive in not getting an ROE code “D” to submit with my claim. As soon as my employer gives unemployment the ROE then the sick benefits will come in and we won’t lose our house. Until then, we’re on the verge of losing everything!
MRI scheduled for June 14th (tomorrow) at 8:45PM so am hoping I’ll finally have some answers to the intense pain. Chiropractor didn’t do much for me except the traction helped spread the spine enough to take some pressure off momentarily. Physiotherapy seems to be the only thing that has helped with the ultra-sound therapy dispersing the inflammation enough so I am able to finally feel EXACTLY where the source of the pain is coming from. The physiotherapist is the FIRST and ONLY one to ever examine my back without clothing covering it up!!! Hard to believe I’ve been to my family doctor, chiropractor, so-called WSIB specialist doctor and the WSIB physiotherapist but NONE of them EVER looked at my BARE BACK! Only my physiotherapist that I started seeing June 4th after my chiropractic treatments ran out took the time and care to actually look at my back and she couldn’t believe how swollen and hard my back was. She examined my right leg which has been numb and tingly since the day I hurt my back and found it was palpably HOT to the touch!!! She feels my injury is a slipped/ruptured disc just like my chiropractor has said from the very beginning but WSIB refuses to even consider anything but a back strain. Needless to say, I plan on getting a lawyer who specializes in WSIB lawsuits and I’m going to FIGHT them for what they OWE me because of their lack of concern for my personal welfare.
Weightloss Journey: Prior to injury I was up to 7.2 miles on the elliptical every other day and had been doing circuit training. Was getting major strength in abs, obliques, calves and arms. Stamina was at an all-time high and the fibromyalgia was pretty much non-existent. Had purchased expensive, professional running shoes to begin training for marathon running and was going to start jogging.
After injury, all forms of exercise stopped. Not even able to walk 10 feet without crippling pain and having to lay down for hours before the spasms and throbbing pain would subside enough to be able to prop myself up enough to drink water.
Since April 6th, I started eating whatever I could get my hands on from the moment I got up until just before going to bed. I stopped tracking on LoseIt, stopped weighing in daily and fell into a deep depression. I didn’t want to face my feelings of complete failure and hopelessness in my situation so I ate to give myself something to do. This was at least something I have been able to do since I got hurt.
I went from a steady 214.6lbs up to my current weight of 226.8lbs and am sure I will continue to climb the longer I’m incapacitated with my back. I’m still depressed and eating enough to feed 3 of me which I KNOW is wrong and I KNOW I shouldn’t BUT I can’t seem to stop myself. On LoseIt, I made my meal tracking private so no-one else would be able to see what, and how much I’ve been eating since avoiding tracking wasn’t helping me at all, at least I could track it privately and only worry about the sheer amounts of food I’m chugging back instead of fear of being judged by strangers for my weaknesses.
June 11th, I had a day of feasting and when everything was said and done, I had consumed more than 4000 calories. YES, it’s true – OVER 4000 calories!!!! When I saw this on my LoseIt application, I have to admit, it floored me but at the same time, a light turned on in my head….
Here come the facts:
What I ate on June 11th is how I was eating before my weightloss journey really began! That is the TRUTH!
In all honesty, I was eating more than 4000 calories on a regular basis and gaining weight was the result. I may not have been eating like that EVERY day but enough times that it packed the weight on. I can pretend as much as I want that I wasn’t eating too much at the time but the only person I was hurting was myself. No one else. No amount of “hiding” binge eating was going to cover the fact that the scale does not lie!
I am a FOOD ADDICT…. I am ADDICTED to food. I NEED help! I NEED to stop or I’m going to end up right back where I was at this time last year.
The reality is: I have no one to help me and I’m not really sure where to go from here…. and feeling totally alone and lost right now. But at least I am able to admit I am an ADDICT and I NEED help… in the meantime, I suffer in silence. My family would not and cannot possibly understand what I’m going through and I literally have absolutely no friends to share my sorrows with.