Down Again

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I officially weigh 214lbs! Woot! LOTS of exercise and being extremely careful what I put into my body has helped me lose 48.8lbs to date. Only 1.2lbs away from 50lbs and that much closer to getting under 200lbs by June 2013….  I think I can… I think I can… I think I can…..

NOT A GOOD DAY!!!! :-(

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So, I go to work and am having a really good day then go for lunch. My employer “provides” lunch and I usually always have chicken or beef. Today I was having a bit of both. Eating the chicken, one of the girls says, “is this the chicken with the ham in it….? What’s it called?” I respond with Cordon Bleu…. (ding! a light goes on in my head)

I immediately stopped eating the chicken…. You see, I am not able to eat pork and it makes me extremely sick. I finished up the beef hoping to “bury” the porky affects in my stomach but lo’ n’ behold about 10 minutes later I’m throwing up in the staff washroom and experiencing extremely painful stomach cramping.

Needless to say, I had to come home and here I now sit with a very aching, upset stomach and very frustrated. My boss is going to talk with the cooks since they know about my sensitivity to pork and didn’t label the foods at all. I’m SO NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS!!! gggrrrrrr…..

In my opinion, they should pay me for the whole day since me having to leave due to the cooks inability to provide adequate information about the foods they serve was not my fault.

Let the major intestinal games begin!!!

Scale has FINALLY moved!

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vvvvvvfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffvvv

WOOT! What else is there to say! :-D  216lbs and BMI is getting much better!

Okay, guess I must explain the “gain”… I lasted only 1 day at 214.8lbs then I got sick again. This time with a bad head cold and went back up to 220lbs even though I wasn’t eating hardly anything and working like crazy.

I have learned that when the body is getting sick it will go into “survival” mode and start “holding” weight and I figure that’s what happened because the calories were nowhere near budget at ANY time. I had actually lost my appetite and was having to FORCE myself to eat just to be able to function since my body was aching and I was feeling really drained but at the time I didn’t know I was getting sick for almost a week before it finally came right out for the last three days. And I was working a 6 day stretch during that whole gain period. Now that I’m back on the road to recovery yet again, my weight is headed back in the right direction.

So once again… I say WOOT!! hehe

Breakthrough!

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I’ve been working very hard for the past couple of weeks and have been having an even harder time with eating enough to keep my energy levels up because I’ve been so exhausted and too tired to eat anything.

I have been trying really hard to eat breakfast to prevent my body from going into starvation mode but I’m still not eating enough throughout the day. My average daily calorie total has been around 1100-1500 but “should” be around 1900 or more to keep up with the amount of exercise I’m doing every day. At work, I’m burning about 3000 calories so I know I’m not eating nearly enough for my body to run on.

BUT - I do have some good news in the battle of the bulge:

This morning I weighed in at 214.8lbs

That’s all I have to say about that! :-D

A Little “Beef”

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Okay, so I belong to an online community called LoseIt. I have the application on my IPod and have been logging every single day for over 2 years now. I only found out about the online part of it in the spring of 2012 and love the support and encouragement I get from being part of this online community.

I do have a little beef with some of the folks on there though. It seems there are a few who don’t seem to think people should be allowed to track their calories burned regardless of HOW they are burned. For example, I work in a very physical job and on a typical 8 hour shift I will burn close to 3000 calories. This is a LOT of calories burned doing my very difficult job and has helped me lose a lot of fat and gain quite a bit of muscle in the past 8 months. In my opinion, I don’t care HOW someone burns calories, as long as they are! If tracking the calories burned while giving the dog a bath is what keeps you motivated to lose weight, then who am I to say anything different.

While I love this online community, I am finding it is mostly the “skinny” ones that do a lot of the complaining. I imagine they don’t understand what it takes for a morbidly obese person to stay motivated and continue in their own weight loss journey. They don’t know the struggles and various health issues that impede the shedding of the pounds on a daily basis. The “skinny” ones who only need to lose 10lbs or less with no health issues burn a lot less calories doing the very same thing as someone who has 100lbs to lose and it doesn’t seem to matter that what they are saying about someone else’s weight loss journey and tracking habits is hurting the person their insults are directed at.

I was morbidly obese when I started this journey in May 2012 and can honestly say now I am just “obese” and close to being within “normal” weight ranges within the year ahead. I have worked extremely hard to lose this first 50lbs and am deeply hurt by the so-called opinions of the “haters” on LoseIt.

My mother used to tell me: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” And I think she was right.

I wanted to journal this because it’s really been weighing heavy on my mind lately and find it’s affecting my own struggles to lose more weight. The words of other’s really DO hurt and I wish people would stop and think about what they’re saying BEFORE they figure they’ve got an “opinion” about something they know nothing about! Then if its not something nice or encouraging and constructive, then they should keep it to themselves!

“She”

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While unorthodox, I recently came to the realization that I’ve been grieving the loss of a very close family member since she died in 2002. The problem is, I’m the one that did it to her. I killed her and have regretted it ever since. She was my best friend and I had told her since she was very young that I’d always be there for her and in the end, all I could do was turn away. I hate myself for doing it and there’s absolutely nothing that will ever bring her back. I miss her terribly and have not been able to speak her name since the day she died. When I see pictures of her, I push back the emotions that well up and then turn to food to suppress the pain once again.

“She” was my dog. My faithful companion for 10 years. I saved her from near death when the people that originally owned her had tied her to a fence gate and she had gotten herself between the gate and post and was choking to death. I ran to save her and the owners gave her to me that same day. We were inseparable after that.

As she grew older, her past abuses began to appear. She had severe hip dysplasia and when she was 10yrs old, she was in a lot of pain and her hips would give out on her. After consulting the vet and the cost of fixing her hips was too expensive, I was told it would be cruelty to allow her to continue living in pain. They suggested - euthanasia. In a moment of weakness, I agreed and they took her away….

I let her down. I had made a promise to her when I saved her that I would always be there for her and I let her down.

Dedicated to the one I have always loved unconditionally … my dog “Bear” The only best friend I’ve ever had in my whole life and will likely be the only one I’ll ever have.

I’m A Little Confused

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I’ve recently been having trouble losing weight. After getting better from the last bout of pneumonia over the Christmas holidays, I’ve been struggling with weight. While I was sick, I actually gained 7 pounds but barely ate anything and it seems it doesn’t want to come off very easily. At one point, the doctor’s scale read 213lbs (mine at home read 217lbs) but it seemed that once I started feeling better, I gained 7 pounds and right now am hovering at 220lbs. Some days, I am 218 but then a day or two later, I could be 221.8lbs. I’m really confused. I have a weight-loss buddy who is helping me sort out my “issues” and she’s made me aware that I’m not eating enough to lose weight! Now go figure that one out! LOL

Okay, so I’m realizing I don’t eat breakfast. I just have a coffee or two. Then go to work, have maybe a total of 200 calories worth of food at lunch then drink apple juice the rest of the time that ultimately brings my calorie intake to a whopping 500 calories for lunch and the whole afternoon. Then I go home after work, have dinner which is maybe a few bites off the plate then I’m chugging water and maybe a can of coke or even more apple juice until I go to bed. So while I may be eating about 2000 calories a day, 80% of it is liquid energy. I’m tired all the time, I feel drained, aching and sore. My buddy tells me my body is in starvation mode because I’m not eating enough while I’m working my very physically demanding job. Add to this, my elliptical workouts when I’m off for a day or two, and I guess I’m not fueling my body enough.

What I can’t seem to wrap my head around is that I know all this stuff! I’ve been doing this for YEARS! Literally, YEARS!!! I’ve tracked very calorie and nutrition content for as long as I can remember. Everything I put into my mouth is measured but that doesn’t seem to be helping me lose weight!!!! I’m very frustrated and at a loss as to what is going on.

I’ve always been physically active and in the past, my eating habits have never been an issue. That is until now. I was telling one of the girls at work today, after another comment from her about how I should be eating more at lunch time, that I am the fattest anorexic on earth! At the time I was actually joking around but the realization of what I had just said really hit home. I just don’t know how to change this right now. I need Dr. Christian Jessen to help me with a diet plan get back on track to lose weight! :-)

Example: For dinner tonight, my husband had made dinner for me but after only 3 bites, I was “full” and couldn’t eat anymore. Literally, only 3 bites of food and I just couldn’t put another spoonful past my lips! Yet, I’ve been drinking liquid like a good thing the whole time. So far, I’ve had a coke and 4 bottles of water (=8 cups) and will likely have at least another 2 bottles (=4 cups) before I finally fall asleep tonight.

So I guess, until I figure this one out, I’m just going to have to try to start eating breakfast because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do and will try to eat more at lunch time. I’m just so NOT INTO FOOD RIGHT NOW!!!!  It just turns my stomach to force food down my throat and I literally have to choke it down in order to swallow it. I’ve GOT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!!