After struggling to lose the 5-7lbs I gained while being sick, I discovered some things I will need to continue doing long after all the weight is gone. I realized I will need to remain physically active and restrict my calories for the remainder of my life if I want to keep the weight off. For most people I imagine, this would be obvious, but for someone who has been drowning in their own fat, it can be hard to see at first. What does this all mean exactly? Well, for me, it means I will need to burn at least 500cals a day, every day and keep my calories at 2000cals (the recommended amount for a woman my age and ideal weight) in order to maintain the goal weight.
Right now, my calories are just under 2000 a day which is actually quite do-able and I’m getting used to eating less. At first, I struggled with this as I’d been eating a LOT more than I thought I was but have learned to make better choices and to say “no” once I’m satisfied. More veggies and fruit, less “carby” snacks. It all makes perfect sense when looking at it from an outside perspective, but unless you’ve actually “lived” in my shoes, you have no idea how hard those daily struggles can be and still are.
I’ve really had to look at “why” I eat as much as I have.
1. And this is the toughest one: I realize I’m eating to push away the tremendous guilt I carry with me ever since I had to put my best friend to sleep. It was the saddest day of my life and I have hated myself for doing it ever since. I feel I still had a choice and didn’t have to do that to her but nothing will ever bring her back and it’s all my fault. I killed her… period.
2. I eat to push away my loneliness. I have no real friends. Not even one. I want a friend, but it’s hard when I’m a Christian woman who doesn’t drink, smoke, curse, and am a little “different” and others seem to think I’m weird so they don’t want to be around me.
3. I eat out of fear. Fear of being hungry. Fear of another man finding me attractive. Fear of men being dogs and acting like I am nothing more than a piece of meat to be drooled over and viewed like a doll. I know it’s weird, but I don’t want men to see me like that at all.
4. I’m afraid if I lose all the weight and get my self-esteem back, that I will want to be alone again and leave my husband and children. I have always enjoyed being on my own and this is something I am missing terribly. My independence. I guess I really don’t know what I will do once I lose all the weight but this is still a fear I have.
I’m sure there’s more things that continue to influence my eating binges but for now, I think this is enough to get me started on healing and working towards a resolution so I no longer eat for these particular reasons.
Today, I weigh 219.0lbs. I’m back into the “teens”… This feels so good today…
Weather: Cold and snowing
Sleep: 10hrs, very heavy sleep
Physical: feeling fit
Total Calories Allowed: 1927cal
Total Calories Consumed Today: to be cont’d …