When It’s All Over

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After struggling to lose the 5-7lbs I gained while being sick, I discovered some things I will need to continue doing long after all the weight is gone. I realized I will need to remain physically active and restrict my calories for the remainder of my life if I want to keep the weight off. For most people I imagine, this would be obvious, but for someone who has been drowning in their own fat, it can be hard to see at first. What does this all mean exactly? Well, for me, it means I will need to burn at least 500cals a day, every day and keep my calories at 2000cals (the recommended amount for a woman my age and ideal weight) in order to maintain the goal weight.

Right now, my calories are just under 2000 a day which is actually quite do-able and I’m getting used to eating less. At first, I struggled with this as I’d been eating a LOT more than I thought I was but have learned to make better choices and to say “no” once I’m satisfied. More veggies and fruit, less “carby” snacks.  It all makes perfect sense when looking at it from an outside perspective, but unless you’ve actually “lived” in my shoes, you have no idea how hard those daily struggles can be and still are.

I’ve really had to look at “why” I eat as much as I have.

1. And this is the toughest one: I realize I’m eating to push away the tremendous guilt I carry with me ever since I had to put my best friend to sleep. It was the saddest day of my life and I have hated myself for doing it ever since. I feel I still had a choice and didn’t have to do that to her but nothing will ever bring her back and it’s all my fault. I killed her… period.

2. I eat to push away my loneliness. I have no real friends. Not even one. I want a friend, but it’s hard when I’m a Christian woman who doesn’t drink, smoke, curse, and am a little “different” and others seem to think I’m weird so they don’t want to be around me.

3. I eat out of fear. Fear of being hungry. Fear of another man finding me attractive. Fear of men being dogs and acting like I am nothing more than a piece of meat to be drooled over and viewed like a doll. I know it’s weird, but I don’t want men to see me like that at all.

4. I’m afraid if I lose all the weight and get my self-esteem back, that I will want to be alone again and leave my husband and children. I have always enjoyed being on my own and this is something I am missing terribly. My independence. I guess I really don’t know what I will do once I lose all the weight but this is still a fear I have.

I’m sure there’s more things that continue to influence my eating binges but for now, I think this is enough to get me started on healing and working towards a resolution so I no longer eat for these particular reasons.

Today, I weigh 219.0lbs. I’m back into the “teens”… This feels so good today…

Weather: Cold and snowing

Mood: Contemplative

Sleep: 10hrs, very heavy sleep

Physical: feeling fit

Total Calories Allowed: 1927cal

Total Calories Consumed Today: to be cont’d …

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When I say, “I am a Christian”…

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When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!”
I’m whispering, “I get lost!
That’s why I chose this way”

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t speak with human pride
I’m confessing that I stumble -
needing God to be my guide

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak
and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting that I’ve failed
and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I don’t think I know it all
I submit to my confusion
asking humbly to be taught

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible
but God believes I’m worth it

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache
which is why I seek God’s name

When I say, “I am a Christian”
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I’m loved

Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

“If we only do what we THINK we are capable of, then we really never KNOW what we can actually do!”
Author: Myself

I’m such a Loser! In a Good Way!

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Since last I journaled, I have managed to drop 3.6lbs and have worked a few days this week. I love the “idea” of being fit and thin again, but it sure seems a lot harder now than it did 15+ years ago!  It’s hard to believe when my children were wee babes, I was at the gym 5 hours a day, 5 days a week and now I can hardly get through an hour on the elliptical without feeling like I’m going to collapse!

I guess in my mind, I feel I should still be able to have that much stamina but my body tells (no, screams!) at me that I’m not that young anymore! I didn’t start out at 5hrs/day, 5days/wk though. At first, I started with step aerobics and remember when I couldn’t even do a 20 minute class before being exhausted but as I kept going, over time, I built up to the massive workouts I was doing near the end. At the end, I was doing an hour of high intensity step aerobics with ab work, and calisthenics. Then I would do an hour on the weight circuit, an hour on the treadmill, an hour swimming and then an hour or so playing basketball or volleyball with whomever was on the courts at the time. I absolutely LOVED that time in my life even though my private life was torture at the time, I guess the gym was my escape from the abuse of my ex-husband. I miss those workouts and the time for myself a lot.

I am improving at my current age now too. When I started on the elliptical again, I set my quick goal to do 6.20km in an hour and at first I was only able to do a difficulty level 1 for what felt like a very long, tortuous hour and didn’t even achieve the 6.20km until 10 minutes AFTER the hour but now I’m up to level 3 and am able to finish the 6.20km in UNDER an hour! Woot! So it may take me a little longer to get where I’m going, but the bottom line is, I’m STILL GETTING THERE!  My next goal is to set my quick goal to the 10k setting and see where it takes me. At some point, I’d like to get down to our local YMCA and see about getting into their water fit programs as well.

Until then, I’ll keep working with what I have and continue to lose this weight as best I can.

Current weight: 221.0

Weather: Cloudy and snowing

Mood: bored and about to start cleaning house

Sleep: 6hrs, very heavy sleep

Physical: sinus headache but overall very well

Total Calories Allowed: 1940cals

Total Calories Consumed: 2057cals

Total Calories Burned: 632cals

Motivated But Gaining

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I’m finally getting over my cold/pneumonia and have been working out on a regular basis on my elliptical cross-trainer every other day for an hour or more on a moderate to high intensity level. I’ve also been shoveling snow twice a week. Just before I got sick, my weight had hit an all-time low of 217.4lbs but I wasn’t eating very well during that whole time. I’m still not eating a lot but have gained over 7lbs in the past two weeks. Not exactly sure what’s going on but this morning I weighed in at 224.6lbs which is very discouraging for me right now .

I know muscle weighs more than fat and my bum is most definitely firmer and my legs are shapelier but I don’t think I’ve gained 7lbs in muscle in just two weeks of working out.

I figure if I don’t see the scale going down again in a couple of weeks, I’m going to have to revisit my diet and see where I’m going wrong. Until then, I’ll just have to keep working out and staying active and continue watching what I eat.

In other news: I have a job interview this morning for a full-time job I’m hoping will result in a much better paycheck. My son also has the same interview so we may end up working together. Should be interesting.

Dedicated to the One I Love - ME!

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Today has been an interesting day despite the weather. We had a big snow storm last night resulting in some major snowfall. The stuff was light and fluffy so wasn’t bad to clean up this morning. I shoveled our double driveway and then went and did our neighbors double driveway across the street who is unable to do his because of health problems. It felt GREAT to get out there and do some exercise in the gorgeous, sunny morning!

Then my husband and I went out for lunch and when I got home, I went on to my elliptical for an hour and rocked it out! LOL It was fantastic! I was so pumped after that workout I felt like I could keep going for hours but my legs and back wouldn’t let me. :-)

My total workout was:

Snow Shoveling: 90mins Cals burned: 789

Elliptical: 64mins  Cals burned: 464

Total Cals burned today: 1253

I’m hoping the scale will reflect the exercise at some point in the next few days so I know all this effort is paying off.

Otherwise, I’m managing to keep my calorie intake below my daily budget allowed before exercise - for the most part. :-)