It’s been a long time coming but it has happened at last. For much of my life I have struggled with self-esteem and confidence issues but can honestly say that I am content with myself. It seems as the pounds come off, so do the years of self-criticism and self-berating for being weak and allowing myself to get fat. People say, “You shouldn’t say things like that about yourself!” but nonetheless, it’s true, I have always blamed myself for everything that’s ever happened both in my control and beyond my control. I think it’s a woman thing and YES, I said the “F” word! F A T and yes I was and still am but that’s alright, I’m on the road to healing in a lot of areas of my life and my size is just one of those outward signs of how I’ve felt about myself on the inside all these years.
Even when I was 118lbs after having 2 children, I still thought I was “fat”. I never liked the person I saw in the mirror until now. I don’t care that I’ve got stretch marks or flabby skin. What I care about is the person on the inside for once. And it’s okay to like me. No other agenda, no competition. Just me and I’m doing just fine!
I’ve been sick for about 2 weeks now with a cold and flu bug that’s been going around and went to the doctors today. He weighed me and checked my blood pressure. Since I was there in May before leaving for the North, I had weighed in at a hefty 262.8lbs and am officially down to 225.6lbs for a total loss of 37.2lbs. And with my blood pressure back to NORMAL!!!! YEAH!!! The doctor actually said he was impressed and was happy to see I’d lost so much weight in 4 months! I told him my plan to get down to 200lbs for Christmas and he smiled. Made me feel so good about all the hard work I’ve been doing and actually felt proud with myself for sticking to my weightloss plan.
It’s not always been easy, but to have my doctor actually smile and say he was impressed meant more to me than all the tears shed along the way.
So here I am tonight, still sick but on the road to recovery. Still “fat” but getting smaller. Still me and finally okay with that too.