Battle of the Bulge

I mentioned in an earlier blog that lots of exciting things are afoot.  That’s true!!  A friend wrote a recurring role for me in a comedic television pilot that’s based on her best-selling book.  Naturally I’m VERY happy about this wonderful opportunity and look forward to the months ahead.

Two weeks ago we had our first official table read of the script - which means that 22 or so actors gathered around a quadrant of tables at a studio and all read our assigned parts aloud.  The writer was very happy with my work and, though no backing is in place yet for the show, Sally said she would insist I get to play this part in the pilot when it shoots, as I “nailed it” and (she says) I am absolutely perfect for the role.  (I hope so - she wrote it with me in mind :-)   Most people in this town will tell you that writers don’t usually have that kind of power, and this is true.  But if one is tenacious and convincing (which Sally certainly is), she just may get her way.  And if our thoughts create our reality (which I believe they do), you can be sure I’m holding a vision that this happens!!

Interestingly, though, I found that the week after the reading, when I was flying high on all the happy news, I really struggled with sugar.  I get a wonderful (small) dessert each night w/my Freshology delivery, but hubby always has sweets around the house, and I had a really tough time with them that whole week after the reading.  In other words, I did NOT resist them — which added some unwanted calories to my food plan and I’m sure slowed my weight loss a little, too.

What’s real progress for me, though, is that I did not binge nor eat myself silly.  Being someone who has had uncountable binges in years past, this is amazingly great progress.  Used to be I’d say to myself “Oh well, I already blew it.  Might as well go out with a bang ” and then I’d eat myself out of house and home.  But fortunately, these binges are a thing of the past.  So, while a little self-sabotage obviously still applies, something within me is definitely different, and I believe I owe that change to this:

Food is my friend.  Just saying that aloud brings me so much peace.  It’s true.   Thanks to Freshology, I no longer think of food as my enemy, nor do I ever feel deprived.  Variety is the spice of life - and dieting.  It’s amazing how many tasty foods we can eat & still lose weight.  Like the waffles and turkey bacon I had for breakfast today.  With syrup.  Delicious!!  Yes, everything in small portions is just fine - even the chocolate marshmallow bar I had for dessert.  Mmm-mmm fine.

Am I having a blessed life or what?!!

You know you’ve gained weight when your undies get too tight.  That was certainly the case with me before I started back on Freshology a few weeks ago.  That is the WORST feeling.  I have this one pair with a little fancy band around the top, meant to accentuate a beautiful hip/waist line.  Hah!! That band was so darn tight for a while there, it practically cut off my circulation.  And oh yeah, those undies looked real cute underneath my slacks, too.  Not!!

I’m very happy to report that all my undies now fit me perfectly!!  Not only that, but according to my happy hubby, some of them look darn sexy.  I’ve also had to pull the back strap of all my bras one notch tighter, and tighten the shoulder straps, too.  This is great progress!!  It’s one thing to have the jeans fit again, but it’s all the more exciting to be feeling like a sexy mama underneath them.

My jog bras also look way better now.  It’s amazing what losing flab around one’s midsection can do to enhance one’s physique in exercise wear.  Oh my gosh, I remember feeling so horrible a few months back when I’d try to exercise and no matter what jog bra I had on, it would creep right up my belly.  But it’s one of those things that helped me drop the denial I was in about how much weight I had gained, so I guess I can be grateful.  Thank God, the jog bras no longer roll - not only that, but they make my belly look kinda flat.  Yes, much to be grateful for tonight.   Woohoo!!

While I admit it’s quite exciting to watch the numbers on the scale going down (as they are), it’s even more exhilarating to see that my shape is finally returning.  And people are beginning to notice.  Man oh man, it feels so fantastic!!   With a little luck, I’ll be pool ready in no time.

And you???

Much has happened in the past week (which I will share in my next blog entry),  but I first want to report on how amazingly well my food plan worked for the retreat.   I brought my Freshology salad with me for the first day, just as I’d planned, as I was able to keep it cool with an ice pack.  It was delicious, and really helped me set the frame of mind for how I would eat during the rest of the retreat.  Outing myself in my previous blog was the BEST thing I could have done, because it really did help keep me stay accountable.  I’d already lost 7 pounds before the weekend and was determined to NOT screw that up.

I treated each meal as if it were by Freshology.  My breakfasts completely mimicked FreshLite’s.  If they served pancakes, I only had one.  Waffles, same thing, and with only enough syrup to taste (no butter).  And always always I would add some eggs, or one slice of bacon.  I ate green vegetables with lunch & dinner, and small portions of lean protein, too.  I avoided the breads altogether and if I had a starch like rice or potato, took only a sampling.  I ate slowly.  I also paid attention to when I was feeling satisfied and stopped eating.  When dessert was served, I cut mine in half, and immediately threw half away.  I know myself so well, and had I kept it on my plate, that second half would have made its way into my mouth eventually.   So I nipped that in the bud.  I also drank TONS of water.

I was in charge of selling water & soda during the retreat.  My area was directly across from the hospitality table, which served FOOD NON-STOP.  But I’d made up my mind ahead of time, I would not let myself graze and for the most part, I followed that pretty rigidly.  My shift didn’t end until midnight though, and by that time , I was getting a little hungry (as I’d been up since 7 a.m.), so had apple slices with a small amt of peanut butter - a great hunger-curbing trick I learned from Freshology last year - and/or a handful of small crackers with peanut butter, and also fresh broccoli and carrots (no dressing).

I made a little deal with myself, too - that if I stayed away from the candy altogether (which I did), I’d reward myself with a Mocha Frap Light from Starbucks on the way home.  I know, I know, it’s 130 extra calories that I didn’t need.  But I figured it saved me from potentially hundreds (if not thousands) more calories in candy, so it was completely worthwhile.

I came home from the retreat feeling lighter - both emotionally & physically - than I had when I arrived on Friday morning.  And that was exactly what I had planned.

I debated all day about whether or not I was going to bust myself on something.  Then I decided that accountability counts, and it would be in my best interests to be forthright and get the support I need upfront, so here goes.

I’m losing weight by getting these amazing calorie-controlled meals delivered to my door every night - 3 meals and one dessert for the next day.  It’s an amazing system.   The trouble with this weekend is that I will be gone on a retreat for 2 days.  I was sad to discover there is no good way to have my Freshology meals there (no fridge, no nuker), so I have to rely on myself to make healthy choices all weekend long.  Not only that, but there will be tons of sweets there, too.  And as this particular retreat can be fairly emotional, many of the women (myself included) have a tendency to nosh on the sweets all weekend long.

So, I am outing myself in advance - making a vow to myself & whoever reads this blog that I will NOT do that this year.  I’m on a roll with my weight loss.  My belt moved a whole notch tighter this morning and my jeans are starting to get baggy.  This weight loss is noticeable and I feel good, and I want to keep up the great progress.   Just like with my Freshology program, I will only have one dessert a day and it will be SMALL.   I will eat lots of salad and veggies, very few carbs, and protein portions that fit in the palm of my hand.  I’m lucky in that I have never liked a lot of dressing on my salad, so I’m not worried about that whatsoever.  I CAN DO THIS!!  Especially with YOUR help.  Please send me good vibes this weekend & I’ll report back when I return home on Sunday.

I am so happy to be “reducing” once again.  It feels so great to wake up feeling thinner than I was when I went to bed.  The fat seems to be melting off of my body - particularly off my mid-section - and I’m most grateful.  What I find odd, though, is the weight loss is a little slow to show up on the scale.  I’ve been holding steady at a four-pound weight loss for days, but my clothes continue to get looser and look better on my body, so I will not complain.   I feel lighter and I look lighter, too, according to my friends & hubby.  I’m convinced this phenomenon is hormonal, as I am in my early 50s now, and my body does not behave like it used to when I was in my 40s.  I gain weight much faster, particularly around my mid-section, and it is so much slower to come off - even with the calorie controlled, nutritiously balanced meals that I’m eating.  I do believe, however, that the weight loss will show up dramatically as I continue to stick with the program.  The needle may not move much for a few days and then bam, all at once I’ll be down several pounds.  I am counting on that happening and have every confidence that it will.

Meanwhile, it’s easy for me to stay with this Freshology plan because:  a) somebody prepares the meals for me; b) they’re calorie-controlled at 1200-1400 per day; c) they are absolutely delicious meals!!  Thought it might be fun to share a typical day’s menu.  Here’s what I ate on Saturday:

BREAKFAST:  raspberry french toast w/cottage cheese & fresh berries
LUNCH:  Mediterranean chicken pita pocket w/feta cheese
DINNER:  marinated flank steak with roasted vegetables
DESSERT:  (2) white chocolate chip & macadamia nut cookies

Who says dieting has to be bland and boring?!!  Certainly not me.  We can eat anything, as long as we pay attention to fats/proteins/carbs & portions.  I’m convinced of it, and I intend to be living proof by summer’s end.   Best of luck to us all. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the gnawing ‘hunger’ that lives inside me sometimes, and I’ve come to believe that there are actually three kinds of hunger - physical, emotional and spiritual - and it’s up to me to honestly assess which one is crying out to be fed.  Too often I feed the emotional and spiritual hunger with food, when food is not the real remedy for either one.

What I’m finding most beneficial about a structured eating plan comprised of three balanced meals a day is that I get physically hungry between meals.  This is not a bad thing - it’s a good thing - as the hunger alerts my body that it needs food.  Not only that, but I am reminded what real hunger feels like.  That may sound silly, but I’ve spent so much of my life eating out of an emotional response to something, that I have, at times, lost complete touch with what true hunger feels like.

A wise person once told me that the ‘hole’ we often feel inside ourselves is a God-shaped hole; one that only God can fill.   We can try to stuff it with food, alcohol, sex and shopping, but it will never work.  It’s only when we let God fill that space or void inside of us that we can feel truly satisfied.

In an effort to bring a stronger sense of connectedness to my life, I recently began meditating.  I got a copy of Wayne Dyer’s “Meditations for Manifesting” and I listen to it faithfully each day.  The morning meditation helps me to focus on what I want in my life; the evening helps me be grateful for all that I am and all that I have.   What’s amazing to me is that my temptation to stray from my Freshology food plan (which rears its ugly head from time to time) is really quieted by meditation.  I realize now it’s because I’m filling that God-shaped void with a spiritual remedy, rather than with food - or sugar, to be more exact.

So the lesson for me is to be present with and assess the true reasons for my ‘hunger.’  Is it because my stomach’s growling and it’s time to eat - is it because someone just made me angry or hurt my feelings or I’m afraid - or is that my soul is longing to feel connected to its Source?  When I stop, take a breath, pay attention and respond accordingly, I am in absolutely no danger of a jail-break (as my dear friend Flora calls binges), and my course along this path of weight loss is a direct and easy one.

I weighed myself Friday morning, the start of Day #11 on my weight loss plan.  I was down 2.5 pounds!!  Now this may not seem like a lot of weight to someone else, but to me this is HUGE.  Not only am I of a certain age where weight doesn’t come off very easily, but I am also in a certain spot in my cycle where I typically gain weight.  So, to be down 2.5 pounds is completely awesome by me.

As I write (late Sun night), I know I’m thinner still - though I won’t get back on the scale until week’s end.  I’ve been a total slave to the scale in years past and weighing myself daily is not healthy for me.  But I know I’m thinner because my clothes are no longer super tight and the little layers of flab that have been residing just below my bra and just above my waist are already shrinking.  Woohoo!!  I’ll be eager to see what the scale says this coming weekend.  Meanwhile, I’m keeping myself right on course.

I took a sneak peak at my breakfast, as I’m very hungry at this late hour.  It looks especially yummy - mushroom & asparagus scramble w/fresh berries.   So I will lay my head on my pillow momentarily and look forward to eating when I wake up.  Meanwhile, I’m quite happy to go to bed hungry.  Psychologically, it bolsters my commitment to lose weight and makes me feel as though I’ve really accomplished something today.  Silly as that may sound, it works for me.

My youngest sister Colleen was super skinny as a kid.  We used to call her Little Teeny Colleeny-Weeny, she was so tiny.  When she was six, her favorite dress got a little tight and we all thought it was cute - she was gaining a little bit of weight.  By fourth grade, she was probably 15 pounds overweight and by college graduation she was very obese and remained that her whole life (she’s 44 now).

A couple years back, Colleen and I both began losing weight at about the same time.  She had lap band surgery and I started on Freshology.  Over the next several months, I lost 30 pounds and was thrilled.  I was certain I would keep it off, but alas, little by little the pounds began to creep back on.  Colleen, on the other hand, lost weight from the start and kept losing … and losing … and losing.  Now, for the first time ever in our adult lives, she weighs LESS than I do — not just less, but more than 25 pounds less.  As much as I hate to admit this, it’s what made me decide to get back on Freshology.  Silly sibling rivalry, I suppose - we have a big family reunion in August and I am bound and determined not to be heavier than she is.  Shallow, I know.   But I will take whatever motivation I can get.

I am extremely proud of Colleen and very happy for her, too.  This has not been an easy journey for her.  She was not the poster child for lap band surgery, as she ate wrong foods and/or too much food at times and really suffered for it.  But she learned her lessons and kept at it.  To date, she has lost 176 pounds!!  She has gone from 315 down to 139.  What’s more, her surgeon told her last week that 10-15 of the pounds she’s carrying is loose skin - so in essence, she’s actually underweight.   She told me yesterday she never thought she’d live to hear herself described as underweight.   She’s understandably thrilled and I’m thrilled for her!!

I’m happy to be losing weight again - this is Day #5 on my FreshLite plan and I can already see that I’ve lost some fat around my mid-section and my jeans are a little looser, too.  Thank God.  Losing feels SO MUCH BETTER than gaining!!

Realistically, I will likely lose 2 pounds per week on this plan.  That family reunion is still 13 weeks away, so I will be very happy if I show up 26 pounds lighter than I started out this time around.  If so, it means I will be 4 pounds lighter than where I ended up at this time last year - and that will feel so darn delicious.  I promise to keep you posted.

Can’t believe I gained weight again … it seemed to come on me overnight.  Over the course of several months b/w 2007 & 2008, I lost 30 pounds.  My incentives were a great big family gathering for my mom’s 80th - and my own 50th b-day celebration in Hawaii.  By the time both events rolled around, I was thin, fit & feeling proud.

I had lost the weight in a nutritious & delicious way - by having a fresh food home delivery service called Freshology.  Their foods are amazingly tasty!!  And I learned a lot about portion control, balancing proteins/carbs/fats, and the importance of eating mostly low-sugar foods in order to keep my glycemic level even - something I’d never given much thought to before.

When I reached my desired weight, I felt ready to brave it on my own - and for the first six months, I kept the weight off.  In fact, I went away to New York on an extended business trip and when I got home (to LA), my hubby couldn’t believe his eyes.  He actually accused me of being a hottie!!  All that walking I did in Manhattan, coupled with the 30 pounds I’d lost, made me feel like one sexy mama.  I had gone to Macy’s in NY and with the help of a personal shopper, bought some gorgeous, new, super-flattering duds, which only added to my self confidence.

But after I got back to LA, hubby and I both suffered from reduced workloads due to the economy and we soon found ourselves under tremendous stress.  It was not an easy time, and the only thing that could squelch my fears was sugar - and I ate way too much of it.  Not only that, but hubby Sam is a phenomenal self-taught chef and his cooking is hard to resist - even though it’s full of carbs & far more fat than I’d been used to.  Where did my portion control go?  Where did healthy eating go?  Right out the window!

I know I was eating to stuff back the fears and anxieties I was having around finances.  Why I thought that would help is beyond me - especially given that I’d been through this countless times in the past 35 years - “eating at” my emotions.  I tried eating away what was eating away at me.   Needless to say, it didn’t work.

So, this week I got really brave.  Stepped on the scale for the first time in many weeks, and much to my chagrin, 22 of the 30 pounds I’d lost had found their way back to me.   I am now more determined than ever to take this weight off and KEEP it off for good.

Fortunately the financial concerns we were having are behind us now, and I am now on Day #3 of Freshology’s FreshLite plan.  I feel oh so happy about that!  I am dining like a queen - well, a queen who eats portion-controlled meals, that is.   But this food is fit for royalty, it’s that delish.   And I’m able to get a little sugar fix too (emphasis on little), as each day’s fare includes one teeny-tiny (but oh so tasty) dessert.

My goody bag for tomorrow just arrived - I am already looking forward to my breakfast of spinach & mozzarella frittata w/fresh fruit & grilled ham steak - and the oatmeal raisin cookies that will follow dinner.  Yum-yum!!

Heading off to nighty-night for now.