Battle of the Bulge

I’ve been thinking a lot about the gnawing ‘hunger’ that lives inside me sometimes, and I’ve come to believe that there are actually three kinds of hunger - physical, emotional and spiritual - and it’s up to me to honestly assess which one is crying out to be fed.  Too often I feed the emotional and spiritual hunger with food, when food is not the real remedy for either one.

What I’m finding most beneficial about a structured eating plan comprised of three balanced meals a day is that I get physically hungry between meals.  This is not a bad thing - it’s a good thing - as the hunger alerts my body that it needs food.  Not only that, but I am reminded what real hunger feels like.  That may sound silly, but I’ve spent so much of my life eating out of an emotional response to something, that I have, at times, lost complete touch with what true hunger feels like.

A wise person once told me that the ‘hole’ we often feel inside ourselves is a God-shaped hole; one that only God can fill.   We can try to stuff it with food, alcohol, sex and shopping, but it will never work.  It’s only when we let God fill that space or void inside of us that we can feel truly satisfied.

In an effort to bring a stronger sense of connectedness to my life, I recently began meditating.  I got a copy of Wayne Dyer’s “Meditations for Manifesting” and I listen to it faithfully each day.  The morning meditation helps me to focus on what I want in my life; the evening helps me be grateful for all that I am and all that I have.   What’s amazing to me is that my temptation to stray from my Freshology food plan (which rears its ugly head from time to time) is really quieted by meditation.  I realize now it’s because I’m filling that God-shaped void with a spiritual remedy, rather than with food - or sugar, to be more exact.

So the lesson for me is to be present with and assess the true reasons for my ‘hunger.’  Is it because my stomach’s growling and it’s time to eat - is it because someone just made me angry or hurt my feelings or I’m afraid - or is that my soul is longing to feel connected to its Source?  When I stop, take a breath, pay attention and respond accordingly, I am in absolutely no danger of a jail-break (as my dear friend Flora calls binges), and my course along this path of weight loss is a direct and easy one.

I weighed myself Friday morning, the start of Day #11 on my weight loss plan.  I was down 2.5 pounds!!  Now this may not seem like a lot of weight to someone else, but to me this is HUGE.  Not only am I of a certain age where weight doesn’t come off very easily, but I am also in a certain spot in my cycle where I typically gain weight.  So, to be down 2.5 pounds is completely awesome by me.

As I write (late Sun night), I know I’m thinner still - though I won’t get back on the scale until week’s end.  I’ve been a total slave to the scale in years past and weighing myself daily is not healthy for me.  But I know I’m thinner because my clothes are no longer super tight and the little layers of flab that have been residing just below my bra and just above my waist are already shrinking.  Woohoo!!  I’ll be eager to see what the scale says this coming weekend.  Meanwhile, I’m keeping myself right on course.

I took a sneak peak at my breakfast, as I’m very hungry at this late hour.  It looks especially yummy - mushroom & asparagus scramble w/fresh berries.   So I will lay my head on my pillow momentarily and look forward to eating when I wake up.  Meanwhile, I’m quite happy to go to bed hungry.  Psychologically, it bolsters my commitment to lose weight and makes me feel as though I’ve really accomplished something today.  Silly as that may sound, it works for me.

My youngest sister Colleen was super skinny as a kid.  We used to call her Little Teeny Colleeny-Weeny, she was so tiny.  When she was six, her favorite dress got a little tight and we all thought it was cute - she was gaining a little bit of weight.  By fourth grade, she was probably 15 pounds overweight and by college graduation she was very obese and remained that her whole life (she’s 44 now).

A couple years back, Colleen and I both began losing weight at about the same time.  She had lap band surgery and I started on Freshology.  Over the next several months, I lost 30 pounds and was thrilled.  I was certain I would keep it off, but alas, little by little the pounds began to creep back on.  Colleen, on the other hand, lost weight from the start and kept losing … and losing … and losing.  Now, for the first time ever in our adult lives, she weighs LESS than I do — not just less, but more than 25 pounds less.  As much as I hate to admit this, it’s what made me decide to get back on Freshology.  Silly sibling rivalry, I suppose - we have a big family reunion in August and I am bound and determined not to be heavier than she is.  Shallow, I know.   But I will take whatever motivation I can get.

I am extremely proud of Colleen and very happy for her, too.  This has not been an easy journey for her.  She was not the poster child for lap band surgery, as she ate wrong foods and/or too much food at times and really suffered for it.  But she learned her lessons and kept at it.  To date, she has lost 176 pounds!!  She has gone from 315 down to 139.  What’s more, her surgeon told her last week that 10-15 of the pounds she’s carrying is loose skin - so in essence, she’s actually underweight.   She told me yesterday she never thought she’d live to hear herself described as underweight.   She’s understandably thrilled and I’m thrilled for her!!

I’m happy to be losing weight again - this is Day #5 on my FreshLite plan and I can already see that I’ve lost some fat around my mid-section and my jeans are a little looser, too.  Thank God.  Losing feels SO MUCH BETTER than gaining!!

Realistically, I will likely lose 2 pounds per week on this plan.  That family reunion is still 13 weeks away, so I will be very happy if I show up 26 pounds lighter than I started out this time around.  If so, it means I will be 4 pounds lighter than where I ended up at this time last year - and that will feel so darn delicious.  I promise to keep you posted.

Can’t believe I gained weight again … it seemed to come on me overnight.  Over the course of several months b/w 2007 & 2008, I lost 30 pounds.  My incentives were a great big family gathering for my mom’s 80th - and my own 50th b-day celebration in Hawaii.  By the time both events rolled around, I was thin, fit & feeling proud.

I had lost the weight in a nutritious & delicious way - by having a fresh food home delivery service called Freshology.  Their foods are amazingly tasty!!  And I learned a lot about portion control, balancing proteins/carbs/fats, and the importance of eating mostly low-sugar foods in order to keep my glycemic level even - something I’d never given much thought to before.

When I reached my desired weight, I felt ready to brave it on my own - and for the first six months, I kept the weight off.  In fact, I went away to New York on an extended business trip and when I got home (to LA), my hubby couldn’t believe his eyes.  He actually accused me of being a hottie!!  All that walking I did in Manhattan, coupled with the 30 pounds I’d lost, made me feel like one sexy mama.  I had gone to Macy’s in NY and with the help of a personal shopper, bought some gorgeous, new, super-flattering duds, which only added to my self confidence.

But after I got back to LA, hubby and I both suffered from reduced workloads due to the economy and we soon found ourselves under tremendous stress.  It was not an easy time, and the only thing that could squelch my fears was sugar - and I ate way too much of it.  Not only that, but hubby Sam is a phenomenal self-taught chef and his cooking is hard to resist - even though it’s full of carbs & far more fat than I’d been used to.  Where did my portion control go?  Where did healthy eating go?  Right out the window!

I know I was eating to stuff back the fears and anxieties I was having around finances.  Why I thought that would help is beyond me - especially given that I’d been through this countless times in the past 35 years - “eating at” my emotions.  I tried eating away what was eating away at me.   Needless to say, it didn’t work.

So, this week I got really brave.  Stepped on the scale for the first time in many weeks, and much to my chagrin, 22 of the 30 pounds I’d lost had found their way back to me.   I am now more determined than ever to take this weight off and KEEP it off for good.

Fortunately the financial concerns we were having are behind us now, and I am now on Day #3 of Freshology’s FreshLite plan.  I feel oh so happy about that!  I am dining like a queen - well, a queen who eats portion-controlled meals, that is.   But this food is fit for royalty, it’s that delish.   And I’m able to get a little sugar fix too (emphasis on little), as each day’s fare includes one teeny-tiny (but oh so tasty) dessert.

My goody bag for tomorrow just arrived - I am already looking forward to my breakfast of spinach & mozzarella frittata w/fresh fruit & grilled ham steak - and the oatmeal raisin cookies that will follow dinner.  Yum-yum!!

Heading off to nighty-night for now.