getting my health back

This is how I must look at it — taking a mini break — in order to manage. For the next three weeks, I will be working under very strange conditions. My lunch food choices are unknown at this point, so I will have to do the best I can. Will be making an effort to eat healthy breakfasts and dinners. Will be on my feet most of the day, out in the sun. Being in the sun will tire me, so I expect I won’t have enough energy to exercise. Hope that being on my feet will sufficiently compensate.

Will get back on track June 21, and probably won’t be back until then.

Saw myself today in a television monitor linked to a security camera. I was shocked at my appearance, but in a good way. The last time I saw myself in one of those monitors, I was horrified at my appearance. Today, I just looked like a gal with large hips and thighs, not huge all over.

Was feeling pretty good about things last week. Was just below 180 (goal), feeling smaller, eating well. Not sure what happened, but I am not making progress and may have back-stepped a bit. It hasn’t all gone entirely to hell, however, so I prefer to think of it as treading water.

First, what is going well? Well, my pants continue to fit loosely and I am considering trying to get into a size 12 suit that I love but outgrew years ago. My double chin is probably more like a chin and a half. My boobs are getting a bit smaller (a good thing for me). I can easily see my collar bones, and my hip bones are now sticking out. My thighs do not feel like they rub so much when I walk and I am considering buying a dress for spring and summer (haven’t worn a dress in years due to fat, rubbing thighs).

What is going not so well? I really slacked on exercise the past couple of  weeks. And I feel it! I am tired and do not want to do anything. I got back to walking this week and it has been a real effort to drag myself out of bed and walk the neighborhood. But I know that once I’ve been doing this for a couple of weeks, I’ll f eel better. Food intake has been a bit off, which also may be contributing to my fatigue. For example, we ate out every meal this past weekend. I tried to make good food choices, but it wasn’t always possible at a couple of meals. I am one who will not go hungry just because I can’t make an optimal food choice. In my normal life recently, this is not so bad when I eat out only once or twice a week; I can compensate at other meals. But it really adds up when it’s every meal for an entire weekend.

So, no, I have not defined my next goal or how I will get there. I guess I need to tread water for a bit longer at the goal I just reached before moving on to the next one. And no, did not weigh in today. I would prefer not to see, though I suspect I’m back over 180. It’s temporary!

Gift #1: I prepared good, nourishing food for today.

• For breakfast, I had an eight-ounce smoothie made with fresh fruit, frozen fruit (no sugar added), and vanilla protein powder plus one slice of whole grain toast with almond butter.
• For lunch, I plan to eat a large salad with four different types of greens, carrot slices, radish slices, avocado, fresh strawberry slices, and almond slices.
• Because I have a community meeting tonight and it will be a long day, I packed snacks to hold me over until a late dinner: roasted and unsalted almonds, plain nonfat Greek yogurt and fresh strawberries, carrots, and a whole grain and fruit bar.
• For dinner, I am not sure … will depend on what time I get out of the community meeting.

When I was at the store this morning purchasing yogurt and strawberries, I almost purchased two percent yogurt to “treat” myself. I stopped myself with the realization that the best treat I can give myself is continuing on this path because I am feeling better. Two percent yogurt can wait until I am “there”.

Gift #2: A new goal.

I had set a goal of being below 180 pounds by my 45th birthday. This morning, I checked in at 179.2 in my pjs. I have gotten on the scale a few times since my last entry and have consistently been below 180, so I believe I am there. Finally. This is the first time in years that I have been below 180 and I do plan to stay below 180.

However … I have been, historically, a very slow pound-loser and needed to measure progress in some other way. It will probably take months to get below 175 and I need to focus on something other than what the scale says. I am formulating my new goal now, specifically what I would like to achieve and the timeframe. I will post the new goal in my next entry.

I turn 45 next week. I wanted to be below 180 by then.

Have not been below 180 in years. Really, for all of 2009, I fluctuated between 182 and 188. During 2008, I fluctuated between 183 and 192. OK, I was out of the 180s, but in the wrong direction. I weighed myself once in 2007 (or at least I recorded my weight once) at 185.

At the rate I was going so far, didn’t think I’d get there … below 180 by next week’s weigh-in. I am still not sure, but there is a possibility.

I am down two pounds from last week! The scale said 180.6; I recorded 181 because I always round up in half-pound increments. So I just need to lose a pound by this time next week and I will be below 180 by 45!

I thought it was my weight. Maybe it was just my feet. I have been wearing Merrell clogs the past few days and my knee issues have disappeared.

While that makes me happy, a part of me is sad because I think my days of wearing cute little shoes are over. During the past few months, almost every pair of shoes I own has been extraordinarily uncomfortable. I have had some foot issues for a while and only purchase comfortable shoes anyway … even those have hurt. ;(

So now that my feet (and knees) are happy, I’m gonna give each pair of shoes one more chance. I’ll wear my nicer shoes to work on a normal day and if my feet hurt, I’m tossing the shoes. Yep, I can’t stand feet that hurt. And if it’s affecting my knees, too, that’s just too much.

Happy to have possibly found a solution, but sad to have severely limited my shoe choices.

I have been raging here, in private, to my husband. “No matter what I do, nothing works.” “Why bother?” “Why can’t I just eat like a normal person and be a normal size?”

I started this blog to spare my husband, but I think the discussion we had Saturday afternoon was valuable. What started it was when I put on a pair of jeans and they felt too tight.

He made some observations and asked some questions. I know and needed it pointed out that I’m still not where I should be when it comes to food. For example:

• I have been eating a bar of very good quality chocolate at work almost daily for the past couple of weeks. I just felt like I deserve it, they’re small bars, and they are exceptionally good quality. I justified eating them by the smaller size and quality of ingredients. Still, lots of fat.
• We celebrated April birthdays at work last week and had two cakes on two separate days. I would have been OK with a small piece, but both days I specifically requested a big piece. Probably because I was kidding myself by thinking I had been so good. I didn’t have the chocolate bar on either day, though.
• Have been craving salt and eating potato chips at home like a crazy woman. Even getting up at night and snacking. Does my body really need the salt, because I have been trying to reduce to lower my blood pressure, or is it psychological?

OK, that’s all I can think of now. But you get the idea … While I’m generally eating well at meal time — lots of salads and veggies and lean meats and whole grains — I am snacking inappropriately just a bit too much.

We agreed a food log for the next couple of weeks might help me pinpoint what’s going on. I may or may not actually write stuff down. Just having the conversation has made me more mindful. For example, no chocolate bars this week so far!! We’ll see … I may start recording, I am just feeling lazy right now.

Oh, and I am down a pound this week, despite my eating last weekend. Not gonna analyze, just gonna accept.

Some days, I feel great and like I am making progress. Other days, less so.

It is sometimes hard for me to remember that my ultimate goal is to improve my health, specifically cholesterol and blood pressure. I would also like to do something about the pericardial fat. Until I return to the doctor to have my cholesterol and blood pressure tested again, I have only external signs such as pounds and inches lost. I realize as I type this that they, specifically fat loss, are key to reducing the pericardial fat, if that’s even possible.

Weight swung back up to 184. Guess my “lowest weight in three years” was just an aberration. Clothes still fit pretty much the same, though I was terribly bloated Saturday and changed three times before going out. Not sure why, but was quite depressing.

Yesterday I was home alone and spent my time reading, doing laundry, reading, cleaning the kitchen, reading, cleaning the bathrooms. You get the idea - mostly a reading day. In the recent past, I would have fallen asleep the minute I sat down to read. And even though I would have been OK with that yesterday, I did not. So I think the exercise is beginning to help with energy. Yay!

Just gotta keep on. This is my life.

Frustration! Am up to 184 from last week. Up 1.5 pounds! I feel like I am constantly moving between 182 and 186. Will I ever get out of the 180s????

Why even bother? It seems like nothing I do makes a difference.

But … Maybe I need to check my blood pressure to see if it’s lower, because that is the reason for really cleaning up my eating and increasing my exercise. I’m not scheduled for a cholesterol re-check for several months. My size and weight are the only measures I have now, and I am stuck and have been for quite some time.

Amazing that two months of pretty significant effort have yielded nothing that I can see.

I want a scone and a cup of coffee.

I am tempted to complain about so many things. But instead, I should think positive and thank my husband for reminding me that we had fun this past weekend.

Saturday we took a hike. We enjoy hiking and it’s great exercise. After an initial climb, the trail was fairly level and quite beautiful.  When we noticed it connected to a trail that ascended a small peak, we decided to go for it. For the most part, the climb wasn’t bad. It was very steep at the top, but we were wearing hiking shoes and had pretty good traction. The top was rocky, so we had to pick our way to get to the top. But we did it! Yay! We found out later that it was a 900 foot peak. We ate our snack at the top and enjoyed the view for quite some time.

After coming down, which in some ways was harder than going up, we went into town and ate clam chowder and drank beer. At home, I tried to take a nap, but my husband got me up to walk some trails in our neighborhood. After that, we cleaned up and went out for a fantastic dinner. I think I was asleep within an hour of returning home from dinner.

Sunday we took a day trip to the Carrizo Plain National Monument. I had heard the wildflowers are really fantastic now due to the all the rain this winter. We were not disappointed. The Carrizo Plain is the largest remaining native grassland in California. It is very desolate and quiet. Oh, so quiet! When we first got out of the car, we heard only crickets and songbirds. There are no trees and no substantial shrubs. Just grass and flowers and grass and flowers. The grass was so green and the flowers so colorful, so different from the tan and brown it will be in a few months from the summer sun and heat. I have to say that I felt like I was outside of  California while there. Sitting in my office with traffic noise coming from outside and all the noise of an office inside, I wish I was back, listening to crickets and songbirds.