I WANNA STAY FAT

I Wanna Stay Fat Because…

I wanna stay fat because there is no bigger high than successfully maneuvering my overweight body through a crowded restaurant or shop. It’s like a living maze puzzle and I love puzzles!

I wanna stay fat because rolls of fat are INTERESTING and CREATIVE!

I wanna stay fat because I’m thrilled that my underwear is jumbo sized, I mean who wants to wear itty, bitty underwear anyway? Certainly not Britney Spears.

I wanna stay fat because I’m hard to kidnap!! Ain’t nobody grabbing my fat butt off the street and stuffing it into a van.

I wanna stay fat because it’s so much fun not being able to climb a flight of stairs without fear of passing out.

I wanna stay fat because I don’t have to worry about having so many clothing choices, so I can actually SAVE money!

I wanna stay fat because stretch marks are the new tan lines.

I wanna stay fat because I don’t really need to be comfortable when I tie my shoelaces.

I wanna stay fat because I love being terrified that I will break somebody’s outdoor furniture.

I wanna stay fat because two chins are always better than one!

I want to stay fat so I don’t have to worry about fashion and just pick what fits.

I wanna stay fat because it’s so much fun looking for the biggest size on the rack, and still wondering if it’s going to fit.

I wanna stay fat because I’m the one that boosts all my skinny friends’ egos.

I wanna stay fat because health scares keep my life exciting!

I wanna stay fat because I hear shapeless clothes are all the rage this winter.

I wanna stay fat because who wants to sit at a booth in a restaurant?!

I wanna stay fat because I like a little mystery in my day (Will I be able to get off that extra low couch? Will I fit through that turnstile? What piece of my wardrobe will be joining most of my clothes in the “will fit again someday” section of the closet?)

I wanna stay fat because I love the pain in my knees. It reminds me I’m alive!

I wanna stay fat to help save water in the bathtub. More of me in the tub uses less water to fill the tub. When I take a bath I like it hot as I can stand it and as full as I can get it.

I wanna stay fat because being single is AWESOME. Ditto to having 0 confidence to flirt with men. Ditto always being the third wheel. Ditto being told you should lower your standards.

I wanna stay fat because realizing that ONE of your thighs is bigger than Marilyn Monroe’s waist is super flattering!!

I wanna stay fat because I love that feeling that everyone in the grocery store is watching what I buy!

I wanna stay fat because if i’m ever in a fire, I’ll probably put that poor, tired, overworked fireman on workmans comp!

I wanna stay fat because I wanna show people that black clothing really can be worn in the summertime, day after day, after day.

I wanna stay fat because then I can keep up my streak of having all but a handful of pictures of me over the last decade.

I wanna stay fat because I love supporting the elastic industry.

I wanna stay fat because trucker tan is SO sexy. Of course, no one but me will ever know that, since every shirt I own has sleeves to at least the elbow.

I wanna stay fat because I love eating in the car and avoiding pulling up to where the car next to me can see that I am eating.

I wanna stay fat because I can leave the house without makeup…nobody makes eye contact anyways.

I wanna stay fat because the lower belly roll provides a practical, yet unsightly awning for my “lady parts”