It has been so long since I have posted anything. I am dealing with a lot of fears right now about what I have done wrong and what is going right. I have finished my bachelors degree and I have begun another one—a more intense program. Nursing school. Enough said? For those who have ever been in nursing school, they will know what I mean. I have gained weight since my last post. I think the lowest I got down to was 234 and I was feeling pretty good. Why I screwed that up, I don’t know. I have a serious problem. The more time that passes and the more food I shamefully shove into my face the more I realize that problem. I should be able to control this, but I can’t. I need help.
Earlier this year Weight Watchers had a new year’s resolution special so I signed up. I did it for about 2 days and then stopped. It was a 3 months subscription and I bailed. I got a gym membership with my friend since she was getting married and we were supposed to be gym buddies. We did well for the first couple of weeks and for some reason in my head I thought it would be a joint effort. She didn’t really see it that way. I eventually waned off even though I wanted to go. My own brain gets in the way of what I know I want and should be doing. I want to find every excuse in the world, but I can’t. My friend’s wedding was this last Saturday. The pictures are just not coming through on Facebook and the photographer is supposed to send us some of the prints in a couple more weeks. I am realllllly not looking forward to it. I saw myself in 2 of the pictures so far and the dress just looks awful. The dress by itself is beautiful, but me in it just looks forrible. When we first bought the dress, I told myself I was going to lose 10-20 pounds by the wedding. Instead I gained 10-20 pounds. I haven’t weighed in a couple of months and I terrified to do it. I know I should because you can only improve upon what you know is there but I’m scared to see that high number. The last I weighed I was 258 and I wanted to cry. I had reached a 50 pound weight loss at my lowest and now I am steadily gaining it back. It’s like I’ve lost control and I can’t seem to get it together. I am lazy. Even when I see the two decisions in front of me….eat it or don’t eat it….I still choose to eat it. I somehow convince myself that it is a good decision to eat it. I justify when there really is no need for justification. Food isn’t going anywhere soon but I treat it like it’s all this one day special and whatever is in front of me needs to be eaten because I won’t have it ever again.
Eating Disorder. Thats what it has got to be. My psychiatric nursing class is all about eating disorders right now and I had to get up with a few classmates and present on the different kinds. As I was reading my book and some of the edited materials in our library I started to make a few connections. Maybe it sounds stupid to say because I should have made the connection before but I think what I have is an eating disorder. Now, this isn’t to say that I am putting the blame all on the disorder because so much of it is me. I can make the cognitive effort to not eat, make the right decision, and go exercise but I get so lazy. When it comes to me hiding the food, receipts, or lying about whether I’ve eaten something or not…there is a problem. I hide the food I eat. There are some days where I’ll leave for school early in the morning, which is across town, and I’ll stop at McDonalds for breakfast…or Dunkin’ Donuts..or Jack in the Box…or Wendy’s (all of them, at least 3-4 days a week) and I’ll hide the wrappers and bags under my passenger seat. I’ll go to class for 4 hours and then race home because it’s all of a sudden “lunch time.” In reality, I’m not hungry nor do I need to follow that up with another meal so soon. I’m not even done digesting the previous meal! BUT I still go home and start munching on everything. It’s like a lose control completely and I’m just blind to everything in front of me and my mouth. I start munching on tortilla chips and salsa (left over from my friend’s bachelorette party) and then a bowl of cereal and then a cup of coffee…but while that brews I’ll grab the Asian salad mix in the fridge and throw it all together (chicken, greens, crunchy Asian noodles, fat filled dressing, almond slivers, croutons) and then while I’m mixing that together I’m popping prunes into my mouth, then I mix my coffee together with sugary creamer, and I’ll crab a slice of bread or tortilla to turn my salad into a wrap. Within the time frame of maybe 5-10 minutes I’ve taken in somewhere between 1000-1500 calories. That escalated quickly! I hate feeling full but I push myself and when I have extreme amounts of food like that and I don’t get full, I get scared…or dumb and then just eat more trying to convince myself that I haven’t eaten enough if I’m not full. It’s scary. Very scary.
Well I know in my previous posts, dating back a couple of years ago, I was talking about being lonely and not having any guys around, difficulty with being jealous over my skinny friends, and just not being able to grip reality. Still having difficult with all of those but it has become a different kind of reality now. At my thinnest I decided to do online dating. I thought, why not? Get back into the game and find someone out there in the millions of people in this state who wants to get to know you. Well….I did. A couple of them actually. This was earlier this year about February. I met up with one of them at a coffee shop really late into the evening. I shouldn’t have gone and I knew that it sounded like a bad idea at the time but he was so convincing. He said he just had to see me and he was going to lose his nerve if he didn’t see me right then. We had text for a week, seen photos of each other, and had been getting along. He was rather impulsive but he wanted to see me and he was really adamant about it. We met up and he was so awkward. Cute awkward but still awkward. He said he liked me and that he was afraid he was going to be cat phished…which at the time I didn’t know what they meant. He was very nervous but I couldn’t tell if it was an act. He was very attractive, had the body of a Greek God (not even kidding, 6 pack, big arms, sexy smile), and rode a Harley. Come on now. Are you serious? Well he knew what he had found in me….an insecure, needing affection fat girl. We ended up in the back seat of my car. A couple of days later I started getting calls and texts from some girl proclaiming to be his girlfriend. He denied it and even asked me to send her messages back, with rather harsh language, telling her to leave “us” alone. I didn’t go into this particular relationship thinking it was going to be anything anyway but this for sure cemented that idea. I told him that it was over because I wasn’t going to deal with this. He had been shady with a few other details of who he was, where he came from, and what he did. A week later he convinced me to let him come over to my place. I guess I was blinded by this man who I felt was way too attractive to ever be into someone like me–but he was. I guess I wanted to prove something. He came over, spent the night and then asked me if I was his girlfriend now. Things didn’t work out and the calls from his ex kept coming so I eventually had to block her. Things did not end well and it took weeks to get him out of my system. I started chatting up another guy a couple of weeks after Mark. He was very straight forward about what he wanted and we had an agreement. Nothing serious. That was exactly what it was. Two weeks of fun…then done. I’m fine with it. Why can’t more guys be this direct?
This is the heartbreaker of this year and I think the reason why I have been so down on myself. David is a friend of mine that I have known since high school. He had a thing for me then but I was with my ex, Juan, at the time. We were just friends and I even hooked him up with a girlfriend of mine back then–which ended badly about and he teased me relentlessly over it. Well I have thought of David many times over the years. I figured out that I had a thing for David toward the end of high school although I was insecure even then and I was almost 100 pounds lighter! I have never been the typical girl that David goes for. I’m not skinny, punk rock, or a bad girl in any sense. After highschool, him and I hung out a few times and went to hookah bars. It was always fun but then his friends got involved and it stopped from there. I didn’t have anything in common with his friends and we just didn’t mesh well. Things started to distance. He ended up getting into a relationship. A few times over the years we would send each other Facebook messages saying hello or talking about getting a drink or two. We never did. I never actually went through with it because I was ashamed to let him see me at this weight. He was the guy I always wanted so there was no way I could let him see me so hideous. He was on a pedestal in my eyes. This year I finally got over it and said Eff it, he’s in a relationship anyway and the last I heard he was engaged so I’ll just send him a message and we’ll go grab a drink. We went out to a local brewery and just started spilling what life has been like since highschool. He broke up with his girlfriend, who had cheated on him not only with his bestfriend a couple of years ago, but had gotten pregnant by someone else earlier this year. He was heart broken and single. I was happy, but also incredibly sad for him. David is a good man and didn’t deserve this. We kept in touch and met up a couple of more times in the Summer (we started talking again in May). I finally got the nerve to tell him that I had a thing for him and always have. I was planning to tell him the next time we met up but he bailed on me the day of. I was pretty disappointed but a couple of days later a friend of mine and I were sitting on my balcony smoking and drinking (yes, I have not quit yet) and talking about not wanting regrets. So I got my phone out and text him just what I was feeling. It was rather late in the evening but I figured he would be up. He has a bad case of insomnia. He responded…but the next morning…saying he felt the same way but didn’t want to say anything because he didn’t want to ruin a good friendship if it wasn’t mutual blah blah blah. He wanted to meet up to talk about it. We made plans for the weekend. When I pulled up to the bar I was overly nervous. I saw him pull up next to me and the butterflies just wouldn’t quit. I thought for sure I was going to throw up any second. He gave me a nice hug and we went inside. I brought up the text as soon as our drinks were delivered and he skated around it. I was a little thrown off but I figured maybe he was as nervous as I was. So we ordered food. I brought it up again….skated around it. I brought it up one more time as we moved our drinks to the outside tables…darted it with a grin and a shake of the head. The waitress had impeccable timing here and came in right then–made it easy to distract the conversation. We stayed for a little while longer laughing and joking about old times and then decided to take off. I brought it up one more time before I got into my car and after the goodbye hug.
Me: So we never did officially talk about what you wanted to meet up for
David: We didn’t? [laughs and shrugs shoulders while awkwardly holding his car door and looking at the ground]
Me: No….we didn’t.
I was fed up at this point so I just simply said, “you owe me” and got in my car. He was irritating me with being so passive. He told me to text him when I got home so he knew I was safe. Yea yea…be a gentleman, you jackass. A couple of weeks later, after a text here and there, he asked if I wanted to get together again. I reluctantly said yes and we met up at a pool hall. The entire night I tried to be flirty, but not overwhelming. There was something going on in his head and I could sense his ambivalence from across the room. We had fun and he even flirtatiously whistled at me when I would bend over to take my turn and would stare at me with a grin on his face when my tipsy-ness became too much and I would sit down my chin resting on my palm. You know how this conversation goes, right? “What are you smiling at? “Haha, nothing.” Stares again with a grin on his face. “What!” “Hahahaha, nothing.” It went on like that for another round or two and I finally just gave up. Thankfully the place was closing so it was an easier exit out of that conversation. A weird thing happened though after we got through our first couple of beers. He brought up this girl we knew in highschool. I was friends with her on FB and he was blaming me for her sending him an add request just the day before. I said, “so? Why is that bad?” He said that he had told this girl that he thought she was pretty and that he liked her after her highschool boyfriend had broken up with her because he didn’t want her to feel like a loser. Nice guy, huh? I told him that was a bit of a dick move, which I still believe is but at the same time kinda sweet. In the back of my head though I kept thinking about why he would bring this up. It really did come up out of no where. Anyway, after the weird “what” “nothing” thing we ran through the rain outside and to our cars where he gave me a quick hug and slipped into his car and took off. I was left a little dumbfounded. All the times we got together, he only allowed me to give him money for the meal/drinks/games once. Even then he switched out my $20 for a bunch of ones and slipped them into places of my purse when I wasn’t looking. These were not cheap nights. These were at least $70-$80 nights. Never once did he make a move. After that night things just kinda disappeared. I would send him texts and he would give me one word answers. He text me a couple of weeks later saying he listed me as a reference on a job application to which I got a call for immediately afterward. I joke with him and said I told the person that he was a terrible man with a serious drug addiction (which of course I didn’t do) and he laughed. Again, it disappeared. I come to find on Facebook that he was being tagged by a few work friends, one in particular, on Facebook. I brushed it off thinking oh well, it’s Facebook and he said he was looking for new friends since most of his old ones were mutual between him and his cheating ex. He stopped liking my statuses on Facebook, stopped commenting on them, and even stopped getting online all together. Then it happened. The tearing out of my heart. He was tagged in a picture, arms around this girl, dressed as a themed couple, at a Halloween party. Mind you, this was about 3 weeks after our last text. After that picture was posted he all of a sudden made a Facebook comeback. My statuses were being liked, he’s commenting on them, and sending me smiley face FB messages. I’m still upset over it and it has been almost a whole month. I lost to this girl. David and I had everything in common. We laughed about everything together. His father said he always liked me..ever since highschool when David took me to the Junior Homecoming. His family always liked and commented on my statuses. I had never even met most of them. It reminded me of Bill all over again. I lost out to another girl. A thinner girl. It’s how it always happens. The thinner girl wins out. If she were pretty I wouldn’t feel all that bad because I would just blame her for being prettier…but nope. She’s actually quite unattractive in my opinion. I don’t get it. I’m educated, I’m honest, I have my own place, my own car, no children, friends and family who love me, and a rockin’ rack. What’s wrong with me? Oh yea. I’m fat. No one wants the fat girl.
I’ll be 26 in a couple of months. I’ll be still in nursing school, single, fat, and trying to keep it together. My best friend just got married. My other best friend has a new boyfriend every week. My other best friend just finally admitted she has feelings for someone and is letting him take her out….after almost a year of denying she felt anything for him because he wasn’t her “ideal” guy. I’m happy for my friends. I really am. It just reminds me of how behind I feel. I’m single. I have no prospects and any new guy that comes around either just wants to get laid and be hush about it or says they don’t want anything serious or don’t feel the same (even though I see the signs that they do). No one wants to admit they like the fat girl or at least let anyone know they like the fat girl. Negative Nancy over here. I know. When you’ve been hit by the ball over and over again, you begin to thinks it’s on purpose.
I have finals next week but my intention is to get back online and post frequently. This is cathartic for me and while I hope I am not too negative for some, I hope that others can relate and nod their head in agreement to feeling this way at one point or another.
Goodbye for now dear internet friends.