What is going on with me!!

So I’m sitting here with some friends at a coffee shop doing homework (which I finished). The conversation turned to the future and I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach. These girls are younger than me (21 and 20) and they are making all these plans for their graduate degrees, boyfriends, husbands, kids, moving away from family and just in general the wonderful things they want to accomplish. This isn’t to say that I don’t have goals either but at the same time it makes me feel queezy. Not the good, I’m so excited for the future queezy that I can’t wait. I feel like my weight is holding me back. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in several years and I feel like I never will. I mean I know I’ll probably meet the man I want, find the career I love and live happily ever after with a wonderful life but it’s just so hard to look into that right now. I want to so badly and I feel like I overwhelming with jealousy. I want to leave Arizona too but I feel like so much is holding me back too. I don’t know if I could leave my dad who is getting into his 60’s. He’s independent as it is but I feel like I would be abandoning him. My brother isn’t here and while he talks about coming back desperately I just don’t see it happening any time soon. I don’t know if that would make me feel better about the situation but right now it seems like a comfort. Its scary to think of being completely away from my family. I almost feel like if I had a solid boyfriend that it would make it that much easier but I just don’t know. I want to go down to Tucson to complete my BSN but I just don’t know how that is possible. I have all these aspirations and goals but so many things that hold me back. If I do that program I can’t work. If I can’t work, I can’t live on my own. I have a cat and a dog, what is going to happen to them. I’m not one of those that takes on a responsibility at my own free will and then leaving it behind because its “too hard”. I just can’t do that. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle a BSN program. I want to go for my Masters but who knows what will happen. I want to be thin so badly it kills me sometimes. I feel like I let it hold me back from the most exciting times in my life. I really should be out having more fun but I feel like the old lady in the group. These two friends with me now are not that much younger than me but they have so much they want to do and right now I’m just not sure. I don’t know where this money is going to come from and I don’t know where I am going to be be in a year. I feel like my job is slipping away from my grasp. The economy has hit the education industry so hard and all the lay off rumors at work are really getting to me. I would like to think that if things go tits up that I can just go home, but what home do I go back to? My dad who has enough troubles making it work as it is? My mom in Florida who is finally on her own with her husband and approaching retirement rapidly? I just can’t go home, I have to make this work and I have no idea what my safety net is anymore. I have a little bit of savings but not enough to sustain a full year of schooling with no work. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I can always take financial aid out in order to assist me with my living situation but I don’t want the loans. I  have my education fund for a reason but I don’t want it to dwindle. With all that I want to do with my education I just don’t want it to all disappear. I hate to say this but I want that education money (to which I get full access to when I turn 25) to have for myself. I want to be able to take advantage of my free tuition as long as I can but I also don’t want to struggle with leaving my job and losing that benefit. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. My friends seem like they just have this great family relationship so if they fail at whatever they do (which I’m sure they wouldn’t) they have that family back up. They are so close with their families, regardless of how fucked up they are (another story, another day), but I just couldn’t go back home. It’s too late to turn back now to that.

What I really want I guess is the safety of a steady boyfriend, my dream body, and a worry-free life. I don’t see that happening. I want to be loved and held by somebody that can tell me I can do whatever I want and succeed because that is how strong I am.

 

Well we are packing up so I will have to finish another time. Just feeling overwhelmed right now. :(

Catching Up

So it has been a very long time since I have posted anything and I feel like my heart is exploding because of it. I don’t know where to start or what to say so I guess I’ll just start from the most recent activity. I finally hit 262 which was taking me forever. Then I messed it up. I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday, yesterday.  I don’t know what came over me and why I did what I did.

Thursday- I decided to stay home from work since I wasn’t feeling so hot. I pretty much lounged around at home in my sweats, did homework and slept. I have been having this craving for Olive Garden pasta so bad lately that it really was getting to me. I didn’t know what to do. I told myself, screw it! We’re making eggs and you’re doing this bitch!  So I got up, made myself 2 eggs with some cut up South Beach sausage and low fat cheddar. I have been having huge issues with gagging down my eggs. I really cannot stand eggs anymore with something to put them in (ie tortilla, toast). So I thought on slice of toast should be okay and I loaded it up with eggs to try and fit as much in at once as I could. Well most of the egg fell off so I made another slice of toast. Still had egg left over and I couldn’t bare to leave it as is. I had to eat them! Damn it I’m sticking to this stupid diet so I’m eating the damn eggs! So I made ANOTHER slice of toast. After I finished everything I kinda sat there and stared off into space wondering what the hell just came over me and why I did that. I know on SB you are able to have bread in Phase 2 but I’m pretty sure the idea wasn’t to have 3 slices of toast with 2 eggs. Anyway, I started working on my homework and about an hour later…if that…I got another craving. Cheese. I didn’t want to eat it by itself, I wanted more substance. My brilliant brain says, grilled cheese! So without even thinking I get up and starting making grilled cheese. Theres another 2 slices of bread. WTF!! What is the matter with me and what am I thinking!!!  Well the rest of the day wasn’t as bad but I was soo full I swore I could have gained 3 lbs right then and there. Well the bread helped me go to the bathroom so I had another brilliant idea….let’s weigh. 263. So I ate a pound’s worth of food. Thats great Shelly, real nice. Just the day before I had weighed in at 262.0 officially a new low. I was so happy and then this.

Friday- Well Friday morning I had coffee with my SF FF creamer. I don’t remember if I had breakfast or not. I was in a bit of a rush. Now that I have a roommate who doesn’t eat anything other than Scooby snacks and coffee, I’ve gotten really off track for my morning schedule. Anyway, I went through the day okay, was getting kinda hungry and had a million things on my mind. I had to make a cake for my friends kid’s birthday party right after work and since I was running low on money I decided to go home for lunch and grab a couple things from the house that I knew I would need. Baking pans, oil, mixing bowls. The regular non-food stuff. Well since I was running ahead of schedule I decided to go to Walmart and pick up a couple more things. At least that is what I was trying to convince myself of why I needed to go there. I knew the real reason wasn’t because I wanted stuff for the cake….it was because I was hungry. Without even thinking I went right up to the deli and said, give me popcorn chicken and the smallest container of mac n cheese. As he was pouring this fat filled food into the containers I stood there staring and felt……shameful. I felt ashamed! What was I doing. My inner voice was screaming at me to just walk away. Get out of there, tell him you changed your mind!! But no. It was like I was robotic. I grabbed a fork, a tiny bottle of ketchup, and a diet coke and got in line before my body had a chance to listen to my brain. I got out to my car and ripped out the mac n cheese and began shoveling it into my mouth. I poured ketchup over the cup of chicken and started popping them into my mouth like popcorn. I even took some of the chicken pieces and smothered them in the mac n cheese sauce and devouring them like a genuine pig! A pig! I finally came up for air and a swig of my Diet Coke when I thought, fuck I’m full. I surveyed the scene. My passenger seat had plastic lids and wrappers all over it and a couple splashes of mac n cheese juice. I didn’t even slow it down enough to put the wrappers in the plastic Walmart bag especially since I had just cleaned out my car and was anal about wrappers being anywhere in it! I couldn’t believe myself. There was still more than half of the mac n cheese left and most of the popcorn chicken was still in the little container. I took another swig of my diet coke…then another….then another….then another. The diet coke began to burn my nose from the carbonation and it made my eyes water. And then they watered more as I burst into tears. I just looked up at myself in my visor mirror and stared. What was I doing???  I’m back to hiding out in my car to shovel food in my mouth like a shameful loser? What the hell am I doing???? I was so upset with myself but at the same time calm. I was angry and confused and crying but everything was in my head. I was, how do they say, a duck on water. I threw everything in the plastic bag, whipped out a cigarette and raced back to work. the entire time telling myself I’m going to throw this bag away in the first trash can I see. Then my evil twin kicks in–why are you going to waste your money? Just wait a couple of hours when you’re hungry again and finish it up. No one said you had to eat it all now, break it up. I still don’t remember getting to work, parking, walking to the building, or getting in the elevator. The only thing I remember is walking down the hallway to my desk with the bag in my left hand. I could feel the warmth of the mac n cheese and my mouth wanted it so badly. I remember thinking OMG just do it fat ass! Just eat it! You know you want to. All of a sudden the VP came around a corner and almost smacked right into me. As we gathered our ground I noticed the first trash can since I’d gotten in the building standing right there beside me. Without saying anything or allowing myself to think twice I threw the bag in there. What is really sad is the rest of the day I was seriously thinking about going back and getting it out and gobbling the chicken up. It was wrapped in a bag, it’ll be okay still. I seriously had to fight myself to not get up once the rest of the office had left and going to the trashcan to dig my way through to that chicken. I didn’t really want it, thats the thing. I don’t understand myself. It wasn’t that good. The mac n cheese was kinda runny and lukewarm. The noodles were a little hard and the chicken was a little too soft for my tastes. All the same though, I wanted it. Anyway, I finally make it out to my friends house and started making the cake–with a million 9 year old girls screaming and running around with kool aid and pizza in their tiny hands. Little Caesar’s pizza at that—so in other words, shit-pizza. I don’t remember them saying, here Shelly have some pizza. I just grabbed a slice, folded it, and ate it in probably 3 bites most. I had a small piece (not by choice but because of quantity demanded) of ice cream cake. It was pretty good but not the best thing I’ve ever had. Then again I’m not big on sweets. I finished my cake which was a butter and cream cake with fresh strawberries and cream cheese frosting. Didn’t eat any of it. Had absolutely no desire. BUT on the way out I saw one of the kids carrying a slice of Hawaiian pizza. My absolute favorite pizza. I grabbed a slice and downed it in about 2 bites.

That was my start of my weekend. I don’t know what I choose to do this to myself. I’m such an idiot sometimes. I was doing so well. I have 15 lbs to go to be at 40 in 4 and I’m screwing this up. What am I thinking!!! My newest goal is to be down 50 by 12/31/2010. I hope that I can do this as I have 3 months. I would really like to see a difference. The compliments at work or by friends have stopped and no one seems to notice my weight loss anymore. I don’t feel different anymore. I can’t put my hands on my hips and feel a difference anymore. It is time to get this shit together and bite the bullet and do what I need to do for my health and for my life in general!!! I want a 22 year old’s life! I feel so old and lifeless. I have no energy, I’m a bitch 90% of the time and I can’t get away from my old habits. I’m suppose to be following south beach  but no bread is really killing me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m going crazy. South Beach works so well for me when I stick to it but I am losing my momentum. I miss having bread to put things on or a tortilla to wrap my morning eggs and ham in and just downing it on the way to work. I miss being able to do that. I have a couple of friends who I am sure are sick of hearing me bitch about this. They tell me to just go back to calorie counting since it was working for me. I know I eventually will but I know this works faster and since I am on deadlines and I need to be down 50 by the end of the year, I have to at least give this a shot to help me get there.

I feel like the longer I stay single the more bitter I get. I hate going anywhere with friends because I’m not the center of attention anymore. I remember going out with friends and the attention would be on me. I would always get compliments, whistles, ass grabs. Its totally demeaning but that cheap demeaning would do me wonders right now. I feel so unattractive. I hate going anywhere. Women and men alike truly treat you differently when you are fat. Not just kinda fat but “oh baby Jesus you are obese” kinda fat. I can’t get someone to ask me if I need help inside of a teeny store if my life depended on it. My roommate is the cutest little thing and just insanely attractive. When we go places together it’s like I’m the one that tags along because I make the others look better. Most would read that and go, oh you’re crazy but it’s true. People really do not understand what it is like to be a fat person. It’s not just a negative attitude, it is years of being treated the same way that we can recognize the same warning signs anywhere we go.

A good note: I bought two bras today. I haven’t bought a bra that sorta fit in a few years. I’ve sadly been holding on to the same bras for 2 years now. It is tattered and the under wire pops out all the time and pinches me all day but I still keep it because it fits. They are still a little tight but I’m holding out for the good ol’ fat girl excuse–they’ll stretch out.

I really just cannot wait to be able to know that I can go to any store I want and be able to fit in to any damn style I want to. I want to be checked out. I wanted to turn bother men and women’s heads. I want to be that girl that everyone loves for both personality and looks.

Mother visit update: I spoke with my mother…well via email…about her trip out here. She wants to go eat at a few restaurants while she is here. The bad for you kind. I’m talking the famous Monti’s Steakhouse and her favorite Mexican food restaurant Manuel’s. She had said that she couldn’t wait to see me and my new place. I replied back, “Yea, me too! I just hope that you aren’t upset by my weight gain.” Her response, “Oh gosh. I’ve gained 6 lbs in the last month or two and I’d really like to lose 12-16 lbs to be back around 120-122.” I had no response.  I was hoping for a bit of a comforting momentum rather than her weight issues. What most people may not understand is that I know that my weight gain will shock my mother–no matter how many times I warn her. She does not know what she is in for. In her mind I’m still the size 9/11 blonde bombshell like that last time she saw me. I’ve told her a million times that I’ve gained weight and she’ll acknowledge it but not fully understand. A ten lb weight gain is a big deal to my mother, who is pushing 60 years old, so my 130 lb weight gain is going to shock the shit out of her. I’m so concerned. I don’t want to be disappointing. I’ve already let myself down a million times. I don’t need to get the final notice of defeat by my mother.

Time to revamp the diet strategy…

Post from 280’s Ladies Thread:

So my weight loss buddy and I have been discussing changing up our routine as we just aren’t losing the weight in the strategy I came up with (calorie deficits) and it is very frustrating. She loses weight easier than I do and I hate to say this but I am SO green with jealousy! Reallllly green! I desperately want to be in the 260’s by next weighin..which is Tuesday. Below is our new strategy:

Calorie Zigzagging and more set weigh ins:
Sunday: 1500
Monday: 1500
Tuesday: 1800 — Weigh in
Wednesday: 1200
Thursday: 1800 –Weigh in
Friday: 1500
Saturday: 1800–Weigh In

I know I have critized in the past about weighing daily. I was really stuck on it for the longest time. It’s less stressful to weigh once a week but I have to face the facts. Weighing in more often made me take responsbility and I was more successful at losing weight. SO instead of becoming obsessed with daily, we compromised on 3days a week and those days will be our higher calorie days.

I am also looking into the book- Belly Fat Cure. I don’t know if you ladies have looked into it or not but I have been hearing good things as well as that it is very similar to South Beach. Anyone know? Anyway, this is one of the few book diets that my WLP (weighloss partner) and I have actually come to an agreement on. Surprisingly. We might give it a try and incorporate into our zigzagging.

So as you can see from my post I have made some slightly altered decisions on continuing weight loss. I really need to get on track here. I have 25 more lbs to lose in 2 1/2 months. UGHHH! thats 10 lbs a month still. Good Lord! Need to get my ass up off the couch!!!!!

 

I am happy to say however that I did get to 272 after my emotions calmed down from gaining 2 lbs from my period. I should know that its water weight, but it is still shocking none the less. Woowoo, so that was 1 lbs last week…considering the crazy mood swings and minor binges on carbs and sweets!  Haha, woes of being a woman.  Well I really am hoping to be down to 269/270 by Tuesday. This morning I was back up a pound but I deserved that. I went out with a girlfriend of mine and had a drink and quite a bit of bread..and pasta….and butter…!! AHH I know but I ‘m not going to stress about it. It was my guilty pleasure this week and I am right back on track today!!

So I haven’t really been keeping up with my food journal. My period is really driving me crazy. The cramps keep coming and I’ve discovered something that doctors and health professionals have been telling us for years. EXERCISE IF GOOD FOR PERIOD CRAMPS!!  Wow, what a revelation. Everytime I go to the gym..I don’t really want to go because of my moodiness and cramps but once I’m in there and moving and sweating and jamming to my Alanis Morisette I feel so much better. I don’t know if it’s because they have gone away or if it is me just forgetting about them. It’s amazing. Of course I work out at night because it is cooler and by the time I am done I go straight to bed in a sweat mess. When I wake up though the cramps are right back until I go to the gym again that night! It’s a weird circle but it keeps me going to the gym! I was suppose to go last night and I didn’t. Then I told myself I would go this morning and I didn’t. Instead I went grocery shopping. LOL what a trade. By the way. I didn’t really have anything for breakfast unless I wanted to make a whole meal and I just wasn’t feeling all that hungry. By the time I got to the grocery store though…I was hungry…and my cart showed it. I picked up bacon for some reason. I think while I was looking at it my justification was, “If I cut the package in half then I can have two slices of bacon=1 slice=45 calories”.  I don’t know what I was thinking. I also left with a crap load of yogurt and sugar free pudding. That is a lot better with what I use to leave with!  haha. I made myself a wonderrrrful breakfast, all for under 500 calories. I am very proud. I was depriving myself of the delicious breakfast foods because I kept thinking a tasty, indulgent breakfast would be my whole days calories. I had a raw tortilla (that I cooked, less calories), 2 eggs, a sprinkle of cheese, salsa, 2 slices of peppered bacon. Lets see….since I didn’t write down this in my journal I’ll have to do it here so I remember later what all I had today.

Breakfast:

180- raw tortilla (cooked in pan)

90-2 slices peppered bacon

140-2 eggs

25-cheese and salsa

435

Lunch

(w/ Melissa at Sweet Tomatoes)

~150-small salad (lettuce, noodles, sunflower seeds, fat free ranch, beets

150- 2 slices of faccacia pizza-cheese peeled off-w/ onion and pineapple

60-1 small apple

90-half diet/half regular coke (I haven’t had this in a long time and I needed to burp, afterall I’m on my period)

~450

Dinner

Made my chicken casserole! Have been craving it for-EVER.

210-2 oz. yokeless egg noodles

180-3 oz. chicken with pepper

40-2 TBS Healthy request cream of chicken

5-1/4 c. mixed vegetables

Side salad

15-Lettuce mix

100-w/ some of the chicken

60-light ranch

610

I had a couple snacks:

15-3 oz. of babycorn

170-popcorn mini bag

60-1 c cherries

30-1/2 c. white grapes

275

1770

Well thats 270 over my day but I guess I could have done a lot worse. I guess thats what I get for not writing everything down as I go! I  need to get my butt to the gym tonight!

I’m really running behind on my 40 in 4 goal. I still am only down 14 lbs since last year. I have 26 more lbs to go in 12 weeks. thats what…a little over 2 lbs a week. Yesterday’s weighin was up two lbs (275). I’m hoping that is because of my period. We’ll find out next Thursday I guess. I am going to try to do an hour at the gym 4-5 days a week. So far this week I have gone Sunday and Wednesday. Wow, I need to get on that. Well I am going tonight and tomorrow…so there’s 4. Will need to also look into a seperate pair of treadmill shoes. Good lord. My easytones make my feet go numb.

 

Its back…the crimson wave.

I almost forgot how horrible my monthly period is. I am not even done with my first pack of birth control and I am already spotting and the cramps…oh the cramps. Good Lord! I feel like a giant booger that was laying in the sun all day in an Arizona Summer.

 

Anyway, to catch up with me. I went to dinner with some friends on Sunday night for our weekly Sunday Ladies Night. I was feeling so badly from the cramps that I just didn’t want anything. NOTHING. I couldn’t eat anything on the menu anyway and it’s not my favorite restaurant but still. Normally I can find something that I like. I just didn’t want anything! In a way I was proud. Earlier that morning I went to the gym and actually did the treadmill for a full hour. I couldn’t believe. Normally I get so bored! So at dinner the entire time I kept thinking how much I just wanted to go back to the gym!  Thats good.

So I haven’t given in to too many of my cravings while on my period. Normally the first thing I go for is Mac N Cheese the blue box. I can’t help it…I just love it! I wasn’t able to go to the gym the last couple gyms but I went tonight and did 2 miles on the treadmill. I bought the new Reebok EasyTones and they were really hurtting my feet the first 20 minutes before my feet went numb. I don’t know if it’s the air balls under the shoes or the fact that they were new and not broken in yet…either way my feet and legs hurt like they were buning up a storm!

 

I wonder if I’ll be sore tomorrow. Weigh in is tomorrow and I really don’t want to considering my current situation!

Constant Reminder in my Head

So I’ve been okay the last couple of days. The heat is really making me lose my appetite which I guess I can construe as a good thing. Everytime I update my weight loss tracker I think wow, I am 14 lbs lighter than my heaviest weight- 287 a year ago. Thats pretty awesome and I never thought I would be that much lighter. Thats actually 5% of my body weight. Wow. When I put it into terms like that it sounds fantastic.

I know that this 5% is a huge accomplishment but I can’t help droning on the fact that is is a very small percentage and I need 45% more to get half of this body off of me. It seems soooo daunting. I know I won’t give up because if I do, I’ll stay there. Miserable, single, alone- the cat lady. I guess I could l could look at it as 9 more 5% goals of the strt weight. Haha. So 10 in all. Yea I guess I could do that.

A constant reminder that has kept me going is my mother. She will be here in exactly 3 months. So far I am down only 10 from June but 14 from a year ago. Thats good. My mother has me all jacked up in the head. I clean constantly thinking she is watching me or disapproving the way I clean. I’ve become a serious germaphobe -mostly for other reasons- but I can’t stop getting things clean. I have spent most of today cleaning and getting her room ready….when she won’t be here for 3 months! What is wrong with me?  I vacuumed, I washed the walls, I even took furniture from down stairs to put up there to make it look like more of a room. I even got on my hands and knees and with a wash cloth used oxy clean to scrub out tiny marks in the carpet. I am becoming obsessed! I don’t do this when friends come over. I really don’t care much what they think of my place. Anyway…all in all, I have a clean place that smells clean and feels amazing! I can’t complain about my obsessiveness with that.

On a more happy note, my pants are beginning to fit better. I have a couple of capris that are fitting quite a bit easier when I put them on that I don’t even need my Spanx, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I don’t know whether it is because I have stretched them out or what but I know that the belt I put around them sure is has more spare belt coming out of the other side of the buckle-this doesn’t lie!

The scale had me officially as of Friday morning at 273.6.  Don’t know if I said that yet or not but-WOW! I never thought I would see that number a year ago! 

 

All this excitement in one night!

I haven’t been able to get down below 275 is like 3 weeks! Well yesterday was Breanna and I’s weigh in- down to 274, finally. Well I weighed in this morning and I was actually at 273.6! Wow! FINALLY!  Good grief. I thought I would be stuck forever.

I had dinner with a friend tonight and we went to the Olive Garden. God its like my sancuary. Italian food=carb city!  I would have asked her if could have gone somewhere else but she was having a bad day so I didn’t want to compromise her comfort because I can’t control my cravings. Well we went and my plan was to not open the menu and just say, “Soup and Salad please!” We sat at the bar due to the crazy long line and of course ordered a drink. I ordered a something sunrise. I watched him make it, some fancy alcohols, pineapple juice, and grenadine. I drank it pretty slowly. I also had a glass of water that I was chugging in between. I stupidly, and by habit opened the menu and was looking at everything before I remembered what I was doing. I closed it, put it down and said, “Soup and Salad Please!”  The bartender happened to be someone who I went to highschool with so we had fun catching up and reminiscing on Spanish class. It was fun! I had a bowl of salad and a half a bowl of the vegetable soup. Ahem- I also had two breadsticks. Ah! It was my indulgence night! I enjoyed every morsel of flavor since the last few weeks have been pretty bland. I really didn’t eat much but I was SO full! I couldn’t believe it. My friend had just come from happy hour so she already had two beers in her-then she had an Italian Margarita at the OG. Haha, she also ordered the Fettucuine Alfredo and couldn’t finish it all. I had a couple fork fulls and I was done! She had a lot left over too and I normally would have tossed it back like a snack! We went out to the parking lot, smoked a couple cigs and she felt sick from all her alcohol (light-weight). She thought she was going to throw up! Me too-I was SO full. I am proud of myself now but at the time I kept thinking God I ate too much! In fact I didn’t really eat that much..there was still salad left in the bowl, a bite of breadstick on the plate, and half a bowl of soup! I should have taken a picture! What a revelation.

We were suppose to go to a movie afterwards so my friend could get an opportunity to let the alcohol settle but we were so uncomfortable we just called it a night. Good thing too I didn’t even want to smell food much less popcorn.

On the way home a drunk guy in a beamer flew on to the opposite side of the street-I’m the only one on the road on my side- and starts driving right toward me. I saw a cop behind him but I didn’t know what to do. They were coming so fast I just slammed on my breaks-didn’t want to take the risk of moving one inch! The beamer then spun the wheel about 10 feet in front of me and drove onto some guys yard. The cop drifted and stopped right in front of me. All I see is the beamer door fly open a man stumbles out, pukes and falls- the cop door flies open and a tiny woman cop runs out with her gun raised screaming at him. Holy crap! This is one of those times where you really have no idea what to do. Do I call the cops…no one is already there. Do I see if this tiny cop needs help…no -impeding the law is not a good idea. So I reversed realllly slowly while my eyes are wide open staring at this making sure no one runs out to my car…and I slowly drove around this mess. As my nerves start to go back to normal I see two motorcycle cops come flying at my from around the corner and further down the street another cop came zooming around me in the direction of “the mess.” It was NUTS! Good Lord I thought I was going to pee myself.

 

Well that was my night-definitely not boring. Now I am going to go pass out!

Another Binge-First Day Fail

So today was suppose to be the first day of my detox for the Smash diet. I didn’t do that very well. I went grocery shopping this morning and bought a whole cart full of fruits and veggies. I cut up a full watermelon and a pineapple…thats about all that I am excited about. They are sooooo good. Anyway..I then had popcorn chicken at Walmart-got kicked out for cussing out on the old bitch lady cashier and sulked at home with a huge chunk of watermelon. I then went to my gyno appt. My ylang ylang is beat up and bleeding..as normal. Got back on birth control to get my period back and I asked her about my PCOS. Checked up on it. The scale at her office showed differently than mine at home but they always do. She said to keep within 1500-1600 calories a day. Finally a doctor who makes sense! I asked her if carbs were an issues since I had been reading some 3FC chicks talking about it and she said that studies actually show that they do not. SO I can eat carbs, obviously not a mass amounts but she said just the same as I always did. YAY!

 

Anyway, I took my perscription to Walgreens and decided to wait the 15 minutes to get them. I somehow made my way to the candy aisle. I picked up a box of Butterfinger bites and a pack of rolos.  I then went to my car, AC full blast and SCARFED…and I mean SCARFED down all but 1 Rolo and 3 of those little Butterfinger bites.

….

So I picked up my perscription and made a beeline for 24 Hour Fitness. Singed up right then and there. Got my pass and paperwork done and walked out.

 

I am cooking an artichoke as we speak but I did scarf down a mini bag of Chili Cheese Fritos. They don’t even taste good to me anymore..I don’t know why I grave them. Hm. Well tomorrow I am back to work and away from my pantry!

New diet plan beginning tomorrow…

I know I know. Crash diets are not the way to go. I feel a bit obligated to try this though and I have slipped in to desperation mode. This new diet is the Fat Smash Diet by Dr. Ian “delicious pants” Smith-the guy from Celebrity Fit Club. Anyway, I guess his book has been aroundd for awhile. I read a few reviews on it and even 3FC has a forum for it with recipes and everything. Most people had good results. The diet makes sense, one of the major reasons I am giving it a shot. The only thing I am wary of is the detox. I had great results with the last detox but I think it was one of the major reasons I am stalled right now. The detox for the Smash Diet is basically all fresh fruits and vegetables. You can also eat yogurt, rice, beans and a certain amount of milk. You do this for nine days. The best part about it though-no calorie counting!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not tired of calorie counting yet but I have been moving my journal around from bag to bag so I never have it on me at work. Now I have a million little post-it notes with what I have eaten that day stuck to the inside of my wallet! Dr. Smith explains that you still need to exercise and his weight loss plan is not meant to be for someone looking to get a quick fix with the work put in to it. He really wants you to eat right, clean your body of all the disgusting shit we have done to it and EXERCISE! You can’t lose weight without exercise-thats just a FACT. Something I should remind myself of when my lazy ass wants to sit down in front of the TV after work! You are, of course, suppose to lose a few lbs the first 9 days (up to 9 if I remember right). I don’t think I will lose that much because I have already been eating healthily. I think the people who lose the most weight the first nine days are people who began this diet straight from eating crap food or too much. I’m not expecting too much of a weight loss but at least to rid me of my carb cravings again. I am doing well on my own but after my carb binge last Wednesday I decided drastic measures were in order. Carb Binge? See Below:

Carb Binge: Went to Costco right after work to get my gym membership. I had decided to do it, I’m gonna do it! It was one of those days where I was rearin’ to go and nothing was gonna slow me down. I was moving quickly, talking fast, and shaking like a heroin addict coming down. I needed something to eat ASAP!  I picked up a friend of mine from a doctor’s appt and we went in together. She is one of those you don’t want to take with you when you are in a hurry at Costco. She looks at everything…from the front of the store to the back on oe side and then the back of the store to the front on the other side…..it’s aweful. I’m very much in and out kinda girl (for a girl- crazy right?). Anyway I decided I was shaking too much and I needed something to eat, NOW! I found the little old grumpy ladies with the samples carts. I took two shotglasses of flavored popcorn, a shot glass of cranberry juice, a slice of cheese cracker, a chunk of a protein bar and I then grabbed a box of my beloved fruit leathers (which were on display in the front. I then proceed to rip open the box and eat about three of them. (Wrappers were still lying in the cart when we left) I then got cash back, which is never a good idea, went in to the restaurant line and got myself a small soda (half diet and half regular coke) and a chicken bake. If you don’t know what a chicken bake is, it is pretty much the most amazing thing ever. It’s like a chicken burrito but the outside is this amazing soft/chewy cheesy bread and the inside if chicken, bacon pieces and some type of fatty dressing. It is mostly bread though and about 12 inches long (wish more things were). I told myself in line, I’ll only eat half, I’l only eat half..Christina likes them too maybe she’ll eat the other half and I won’t worry about it. Yea, that’ll be how it goes.  So we get in to the car, I rip of the foil and bit in to that sucker like it was made by the Gods. I handed it to Christina, thinking she would take  few bites while I put my seat belt on and throw it in Reverse, but she took one small tiny itty bitty bite (which I made fun of, of course). I scarfed down a couple more bites in order to keep my dignity somewhat intact. I drove her home with the rest of it wrapped back up in it’s foil. I dropped her off, said hello to the baby, gave her hugs and kisses and then made an excuse about leaving…having to do homework I think is what I said. I did in fact need to do homework but I really just wanted to go back to my sinful, delicious, steaming hot chicken bake! I basically ran down the drive way, tripping over the tiniest chihuahua of all time and got to my car. Just as I was going to pull the handle I hear “Hey Micho, hold up, I gotta get my stuff from the trunk. Jimmy, get your ass up and go get the stuff from the trunk.”  OMG! In my head I’m thinking, oh please Jimmy let this be the day where you get off your ass and do something with a quickness for once! About 3 minutes later, which to a fat girl on a carb binge is forever, he picked up the stuff and I was able to finally get in my car. I could smell it, my mouth was watering and my cheeks were tingling- omg it was like having an orgasm in the mouth. I FLEW down the street to get out of good visual distance and I ripped that foil off so fast I still don’t know where it is. I dug my face in to that thing and finished it in probably 3 bites. I usually thow the end piece away because it’s nothing but bread-no sauce or chicken-but this time I ate it. Anyway-serious moment of weakeness on my part.

 

Back to the smash diet. I was suppose to go shopping for the fruits and veggies today but I got busy so I’ll have to do it tomorrow morning. Thank the Lord I took Tuesday off. I sooooo needed this four day weekend- which went by extremely fast.  I have my gyno appt tomorrow. I am going to ask her more details on PCOS and how to lose weight. Also need to get my annual Pap. Kind of afraid to get bad news back from it. Just have a feeling. Anyway, start the detox tomorrow. Will have to keep close eye on this one and watch any progressions or digressions.

Second Thoughts on Plan

Well I had posted yesterday that I was thinking of doing 100 lbs in 10 months. It osunds o easy, 10 lbs a month will get me 100 lbs lighter by April 30th, right??  Ugh.  Well my thoughts are that I have always had some sort of a plan…lose 10 lbs by more birthdy or 50 by next year. Within a couple weeks I forget about it or I give up-not quite sure just what the reason was but I know I never got where I wanted.

 

I don’t feel like I will give up and I don’t have that continuous thought in the back of my head telling me I’ll never do it. I hope this really is my chance to do it. Complete one goal, after the other, after the other. I deserve this and I want it more than I have ever known. I want a boyfriend, cute clothes, more attention, and more girlfriends who are ashamed to be seen at parties with or on shopping trips. I WANT this! I can’t give up.

 

I WON’T give up!

I am working overtime on Saturday but my plan is to go to the gym afterwards, redeem my membership…get a tour of course and then clean my house. I have guests over on Sunday for school and my dog has completely made a mess of my house. That should burn some calories. I don’t think I’ll have time to swim in the morning on Saturday though. I wish the hours for my pool were earlier. I hate to make too much noice to disturb my neighbors who only like to do stuff during the hottest hours of the day! Joking, of course.

 

Anyway, thats my plan, hopefully will go very soon to the gym. Will need to set a schedule. Maybe one hour a day for 5/7 days. Not sure yet. I will figure it out though.

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