So it has been a very long time since I have posted anything and I feel like my heart is exploding because of it. I don’t know where to start or what to say so I guess I’ll just start from the most recent activity. I finally hit 262 which was taking me forever. Then I messed it up. I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday, yesterday. I don’t know what came over me and why I did what I did.
Thursday- I decided to stay home from work since I wasn’t feeling so hot. I pretty much lounged around at home in my sweats, did homework and slept. I have been having this craving for Olive Garden pasta so bad lately that it really was getting to me. I didn’t know what to do. I told myself, screw it! We’re making eggs and you’re doing this bitch! So I got up, made myself 2 eggs with some cut up South Beach sausage and low fat cheddar. I have been having huge issues with gagging down my eggs. I really cannot stand eggs anymore with something to put them in (ie tortilla, toast). So I thought on slice of toast should be okay and I loaded it up with eggs to try and fit as much in at once as I could. Well most of the egg fell off so I made another slice of toast. Still had egg left over and I couldn’t bare to leave it as is. I had to eat them! Damn it I’m sticking to this stupid diet so I’m eating the damn eggs! So I made ANOTHER slice of toast. After I finished everything I kinda sat there and stared off into space wondering what the hell just came over me and why I did that. I know on SB you are able to have bread in Phase 2 but I’m pretty sure the idea wasn’t to have 3 slices of toast with 2 eggs. Anyway, I started working on my homework and about an hour later…if that…I got another craving. Cheese. I didn’t want to eat it by itself, I wanted more substance. My brilliant brain says, grilled cheese! So without even thinking I get up and starting making grilled cheese. Theres another 2 slices of bread. WTF!! What is the matter with me and what am I thinking!!! Well the rest of the day wasn’t as bad but I was soo full I swore I could have gained 3 lbs right then and there. Well the bread helped me go to the bathroom so I had another brilliant idea….let’s weigh. 263. So I ate a pound’s worth of food. Thats great Shelly, real nice. Just the day before I had weighed in at 262.0 officially a new low. I was so happy and then this.
Friday- Well Friday morning I had coffee with my SF FF creamer. I don’t remember if I had breakfast or not. I was in a bit of a rush. Now that I have a roommate who doesn’t eat anything other than Scooby snacks and coffee, I’ve gotten really off track for my morning schedule. Anyway, I went through the day okay, was getting kinda hungry and had a million things on my mind. I had to make a cake for my friends kid’s birthday party right after work and since I was running low on money I decided to go home for lunch and grab a couple things from the house that I knew I would need. Baking pans, oil, mixing bowls. The regular non-food stuff. Well since I was running ahead of schedule I decided to go to Walmart and pick up a couple more things. At least that is what I was trying to convince myself of why I needed to go there. I knew the real reason wasn’t because I wanted stuff for the cake….it was because I was hungry. Without even thinking I went right up to the deli and said, give me popcorn chicken and the smallest container of mac n cheese. As he was pouring this fat filled food into the containers I stood there staring and felt……shameful. I felt ashamed! What was I doing. My inner voice was screaming at me to just walk away. Get out of there, tell him you changed your mind!! But no. It was like I was robotic. I grabbed a fork, a tiny bottle of ketchup, and a diet coke and got in line before my body had a chance to listen to my brain. I got out to my car and ripped out the mac n cheese and began shoveling it into my mouth. I poured ketchup over the cup of chicken and started popping them into my mouth like popcorn. I even took some of the chicken pieces and smothered them in the mac n cheese sauce and devouring them like a genuine pig! A pig! I finally came up for air and a swig of my Diet Coke when I thought, fuck I’m full. I surveyed the scene. My passenger seat had plastic lids and wrappers all over it and a couple splashes of mac n cheese juice. I didn’t even slow it down enough to put the wrappers in the plastic Walmart bag especially since I had just cleaned out my car and was anal about wrappers being anywhere in it! I couldn’t believe myself. There was still more than half of the mac n cheese left and most of the popcorn chicken was still in the little container. I took another swig of my diet coke…then another….then another….then another. The diet coke began to burn my nose from the carbonation and it made my eyes water. And then they watered more as I burst into tears. I just looked up at myself in my visor mirror and stared. What was I doing??? I’m back to hiding out in my car to shovel food in my mouth like a shameful loser? What the hell am I doing???? I was so upset with myself but at the same time calm. I was angry and confused and crying but everything was in my head. I was, how do they say, a duck on water. I threw everything in the plastic bag, whipped out a cigarette and raced back to work. the entire time telling myself I’m going to throw this bag away in the first trash can I see. Then my evil twin kicks in–why are you going to waste your money? Just wait a couple of hours when you’re hungry again and finish it up. No one said you had to eat it all now, break it up. I still don’t remember getting to work, parking, walking to the building, or getting in the elevator. The only thing I remember is walking down the hallway to my desk with the bag in my left hand. I could feel the warmth of the mac n cheese and my mouth wanted it so badly. I remember thinking OMG just do it fat ass! Just eat it! You know you want to. All of a sudden the VP came around a corner and almost smacked right into me. As we gathered our ground I noticed the first trash can since I’d gotten in the building standing right there beside me. Without saying anything or allowing myself to think twice I threw the bag in there. What is really sad is the rest of the day I was seriously thinking about going back and getting it out and gobbling the chicken up. It was wrapped in a bag, it’ll be okay still. I seriously had to fight myself to not get up once the rest of the office had left and going to the trashcan to dig my way through to that chicken. I didn’t really want it, thats the thing. I don’t understand myself. It wasn’t that good. The mac n cheese was kinda runny and lukewarm. The noodles were a little hard and the chicken was a little too soft for my tastes. All the same though, I wanted it. Anyway, I finally make it out to my friends house and started making the cake–with a million 9 year old girls screaming and running around with kool aid and pizza in their tiny hands. Little Caesar’s pizza at that—so in other words, shit-pizza. I don’t remember them saying, here Shelly have some pizza. I just grabbed a slice, folded it, and ate it in probably 3 bites most. I had a small piece (not by choice but because of quantity demanded) of ice cream cake. It was pretty good but not the best thing I’ve ever had. Then again I’m not big on sweets. I finished my cake which was a butter and cream cake with fresh strawberries and cream cheese frosting. Didn’t eat any of it. Had absolutely no desire. BUT on the way out I saw one of the kids carrying a slice of Hawaiian pizza. My absolute favorite pizza. I grabbed a slice and downed it in about 2 bites.
That was my start of my weekend. I don’t know what I choose to do this to myself. I’m such an idiot sometimes. I was doing so well. I have 15 lbs to go to be at 40 in 4 and I’m screwing this up. What am I thinking!!! My newest goal is to be down 50 by 12/31/2010. I hope that I can do this as I have 3 months. I would really like to see a difference. The compliments at work or by friends have stopped and no one seems to notice my weight loss anymore. I don’t feel different anymore. I can’t put my hands on my hips and feel a difference anymore. It is time to get this shit together and bite the bullet and do what I need to do for my health and for my life in general!!! I want a 22 year old’s life! I feel so old and lifeless. I have no energy, I’m a bitch 90% of the time and I can’t get away from my old habits. I’m suppose to be following south beach but no bread is really killing me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m going crazy. South Beach works so well for me when I stick to it but I am losing my momentum. I miss having bread to put things on or a tortilla to wrap my morning eggs and ham in and just downing it on the way to work. I miss being able to do that. I have a couple of friends who I am sure are sick of hearing me bitch about this. They tell me to just go back to calorie counting since it was working for me. I know I eventually will but I know this works faster and since I am on deadlines and I need to be down 50 by the end of the year, I have to at least give this a shot to help me get there.
I feel like the longer I stay single the more bitter I get. I hate going anywhere with friends because I’m not the center of attention anymore. I remember going out with friends and the attention would be on me. I would always get compliments, whistles, ass grabs. Its totally demeaning but that cheap demeaning would do me wonders right now. I feel so unattractive. I hate going anywhere. Women and men alike truly treat you differently when you are fat. Not just kinda fat but “oh baby Jesus you are obese” kinda fat. I can’t get someone to ask me if I need help inside of a teeny store if my life depended on it. My roommate is the cutest little thing and just insanely attractive. When we go places together it’s like I’m the one that tags along because I make the others look better. Most would read that and go, oh you’re crazy but it’s true. People really do not understand what it is like to be a fat person. It’s not just a negative attitude, it is years of being treated the same way that we can recognize the same warning signs anywhere we go.
A good note: I bought two bras today. I haven’t bought a bra that sorta fit in a few years. I’ve sadly been holding on to the same bras for 2 years now. It is tattered and the under wire pops out all the time and pinches me all day but I still keep it because it fits. They are still a little tight but I’m holding out for the good ol’ fat girl excuse–they’ll stretch out.
I really just cannot wait to be able to know that I can go to any store I want and be able to fit in to any damn style I want to. I want to be checked out. I wanted to turn bother men and women’s heads. I want to be that girl that everyone loves for both personality and looks.
Mother visit update: I spoke with my mother…well via email…about her trip out here. She wants to go eat at a few restaurants while she is here. The bad for you kind. I’m talking the famous Monti’s Steakhouse and her favorite Mexican food restaurant Manuel’s. She had said that she couldn’t wait to see me and my new place. I replied back, “Yea, me too! I just hope that you aren’t upset by my weight gain.” Her response, “Oh gosh. I’ve gained 6 lbs in the last month or two and I’d really like to lose 12-16 lbs to be back around 120-122.” I had no response. I was hoping for a bit of a comforting momentum rather than her weight issues. What most people may not understand is that I know that my weight gain will shock my mother–no matter how many times I warn her. She does not know what she is in for. In her mind I’m still the size 9/11 blonde bombshell like that last time she saw me. I’ve told her a million times that I’ve gained weight and she’ll acknowledge it but not fully understand. A ten lb weight gain is a big deal to my mother, who is pushing 60 years old, so my 130 lb weight gain is going to shock the shit out of her. I’m so concerned. I don’t want to be disappointing. I’ve already let myself down a million times. I don’t need to get the final notice of defeat by my mother.