Trying to not lose myself

I really have not kept up with this journal very much. I do believe it will be helpful in keeping me to my goals so the reasons to why I haven’t posted will really seem lame in comparison to the excuses I could come up with for not. I have been working quite a bit but my nights are no longer occupied by school so my excuses really can’t be justified. I’m struggling with finding my place in my own world right now. I am still feeling quite lonely and I hate thinking of myself as pathetic. I guess it’s time to write this shit out and see what I can’t bring out of myself…and hopefully not cry in the process.

I may have mentioned this but my best friends are all in relationships. One of them recently became married to which I was the maid of honor in her wedding. My best friend, that I have known for half of my life, is in a relationship–a rocky one, but a relationship none the less. My other best friend is in a new relationship that is a big step for her toward being happy and breaking down the walls that she has kept up for so long. These are the people I spend 90% of my time with outside of work and school. Now-I hardly ever see them. My phone stops ringing or lighting up from text messages, and my Facebook notifications have basically ceased as far as being tagged in funny memes or anti-men rants. Everyone around me is happy. On Christmas, my stepbrother (aka my dad’s ex-girlfriend’s, who is now his “roommate”) got engaged to his boyfriend of 6 months. A guy I work with, who is my age if not younger, became engaged over Christmas as well. My hairdresser, who happens to also be the roommate of my ex roommate, is now engaged to a man she has had an on and off again relationship with for 3 years. Every single girl I became close with in nursing school is either in a relationship or has recently become engaged. Even at Christmas dinner, as I sat alone and single amongst my family and their significant others I found myself wishing I wasn’t there or wishing I could finally bring home someone to meet them so that I was no longer the girl they wondered whether she’d ever find someone. I’d like to continue throwing this pity party for myself but I fear the repetitiveness of this may become rather boring.

I can’t stop obsessing over David. I have his FB feed blocked so that I can’t have pictures of him and his now girlfriend pop up on my homepage anymore but I still stalk his page just to see how much more miserable I can make myself. It works every time. He has recently begun liking my statuses again and even commented on a couple. I no longer like his comments nor respond to his witty ones. I can’t give him the satisfaction of a false sense of “don’t worry, you fucked me over but we’re still cool.” My stubborn heart.

I weighed Monday morning. A very sad 264.4 popped on the screen of that scale and it was like taking a bullet. I have gained 30 pounds back. I am now just 23 pounds down from my highest. I suppose this is something to still be thankful for but that isn’t a comforting thought when I think how lonely I am and how I now am back to wearing Spanx under everything I wear just so I can fit into them. Some clothing I can’t even fit into anymore. I see the weight in my face and most definitely in my stomach. It is back. I am back to being more uncomfortable in my own skin than I ever wanted to allow myself to be again. I find myself painting my face up and doing my hair more now just for the possibility of being noticed than I did before. It’s sad really.

I’ve added up the weeks left before I start up nursing school again and I have 32 weeks to drop 64 pounds (to meet a goal of 200 or less). Two pounds a week, huh? Looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me. Ha! The TV is on in the background as I write this and of course an exercise video infomercial would pop up on the screen. As I was searching through my closet of junk the other day looking for wrapping paper and little Christmas tags I found so many of those exercise videos and programs that I have spent hundreds of dollars on and never actually did. It makes me sick the amount of money and thought process I have put into my weight and vanity and yet here I am, thirty pounds gained and sitting here typing up my sorrows about it. Where did my motivation go?

Do you ever find yourself in such a self-pitying, and low self-esteem position in life that any man that even looks you in the eyes when you talk is instantly your new fixation? A new patient came in to the office today and as I was explaining his insurance benefits and treatment plans, he looked me in the eyes as I spoke. I knew there was no way that this gorgeous, successful 31 year old man with the body of a Greek god could possibly be into me but I shamelessly had the thought in my head that maybe, just maybe, he might be interested in me. So I smiled and bashfully used my flirtatious style humor to put a line out there hoping for a bite. He wasn’t taking the bait. Of course not, Shelly. You’re huge. Do you ever feel like you lose sight on just how big you are? Like maybe, just maybe, your eyes are so used to seeing the horrible sight in the mirror that you’ve trained yourself to view your body in a different way than the rest of the world? Like, maybe, you really aren’t that big? And then a picture taken with a few of your gorgeous, thin friends just zaps that thought away and pummels you to the ground with a shot of reality. Me too.

Its Friday night. I’m alone. Bitching about life with my Chihuahua sitting next to me licking his crotch. Oh how exciting my life is.

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