I realize that it isn’t always the easiest to accept my failures. This becomes abundantly clear the more and more I set this outlandish goals and then not reach them. I don’t think I do this purposely of course–that is set a high weight loss goal and then not reach it–but sometimes I wonder why I haven’t just listened to myself and realized what all is going on in my crazy, jumbled brain. I think I got so excited about finally taking my weight loss serious that I jumped right into it and while I haven’t burnt out yet I feel like I am becoming a little bit more realistic to the fact that I probably won’t be down 100 lbs in a year. While that would be amazing to accomplish, I just won’t do it. I know this. I’ve accepted it, as upsetting as it is. My next biggest goal was to be down 50 by the end of this year and in less my school load lightens up and I somehow muster enough energy to go to the gym everyday while maintaining a complete chicken, egg, and vegetable diet it just won’t happen. I guess I am still not keen on this failure yet but maybe just a step toward seeing the more positive side of it.
I’ve come across horrible news. One of my major milestones that I have set was to be down 100 pounds by my friends wedding to which I am a bridesmaid in. Well, lets be a bit more realistic here–that probably won’t happen. Anyway, the wedding date had finally been set a couple months ago for April 30th, 2011. Here’s the bad news–I found out in class last week that my graduation day has finally been set as well–to April 30, 2011. How fucked up is this? I told my friend about it and she understands if I wouldn’t be able to make it to her wedding seeing as how both events are pretty major in our lives. I haven’t responded back to her but I’m thinking I can make this work. My commencement is at 10AM in the morning and the wedding ceremony is at 4:35PM. With a bit of hussle, I can make this happen. My only problem now is if I have family in town. What am I suppose to tell them? Oh sorry, I have to go now to be in a wedding so thanks for coming, see you next time?? Oh geez. I want to be there for my friends, I mean this is a HUGE day for them and I love them both so much I don’t want to miss it. Then again, this is a HUGE milestone in my life as well. Your graduation day is suppose to be all about you, ya know? But then I hate to think about how selfish that sounds. I’m still not sure about what to do.
So Bre and I have decided to do South Beach hardcore until Thanksgiving. I really need to kickstart my weight loss. I would like to be down to at least 245 by the end of the year if I can’t make it to 50 (237). Then, hopefully, by the wedding/graduation day I can be around 200…possible break into onderland. That would be nice. I would like to be attractive enough by then too to have a boyfriend that I can kiss after I get my degree and dance with at the wedding!! UGHHH. On that note, I have decided to get over my women’s movement of no makeup, who cares what men think, all girls not like me are ditzy phase and suck it up. I don’t feel pretty anymore and, yes, a huge part of that is my weight, but it’s also my attitude. Of course no guy wants a girl who, first of all is gigantic, but second of all doesn’t at least see herself as attractive. So my plan is to starting doing my hair more, wearing jewelry, putting more makeup on to bring out my prettiness. I know it is deep in there somewhere I just need to bring it out more. I’ve also decided to hang with the girls more- to get out more and allow myself to flirt again. I’ve had enough of this dry spell of boys and I’m ready to be able to find a new man who can be my bestfriend again and not let my past experience dictate my love life anymore. If I want others to see my as beautiful, I need to first see myself. Corny–I know, but I kind like it.