Archive for November, 2010

Lonely

I am feeling a bit lonely. My roommate is moving out. Did I say that I had a roommate? Well she was a good friend of mine that I met through school. She is a year younger and it shows. Then again I think I’m a 40 year old in a twenty-two year old’s body at times. She is bubbly, hyper, and rearin’ to go with any cute guy she sees. Oh, and she’s petite and gorgeous. Well, she originally moved in with me due to issues with her parents and wanting to get out of their house. She said she would never look back. Fast forward a few months and there she goes–back home. She says it is because of her dificulty with funding school being that some scheduling–and financial aid–issues arose. I think it’s mostly because she doesn’t like living with me. I can admit I can be a bit messy in my personal quarters (ie room, bathroom) and I have a dog and cat who seem to want to piss wherever they want. I clean up after myself and them pretty well and I like to keep a clean common area. In the beginning we were close, we hung out on Saturdays, made breakfasts together, cleaned up the kitchen together and would go out with friends almost every other night. Now I never see her, she doesn’t come home and I feel like she just hates spending time with me anymore. It has really just gotten to the point where we are really no longer friends but just roommates. She is supposedly moving out this weekend but who knows. I haven’t seen her in a couple of days. I see her posts on facebook and videos of her and her bestfriend, with whom we ALL use to hang out together. Even tonight there was one of them all together dancing at someone’s house. It hurts. All of my friends are all either with their boyfriends or husbands or out having fun and forgetting about me. It’s like I have broken all of my good friendships in one way or another. I don’t know why. I don’t think I do anything to offend them or make them feel like I don’t want to spend time with them. In fact I reach out to them fairly often–or at least as much as someone who works and goes to school full time.

Tonight as I was leaving my dad’s house and driving home I had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I knew Melissa wouldn’t be home and that I would be going home to an empty house with nothing to do and nothing to look forward to tomorrow. On the drive home I played different scenarios in my head of what I wanted to go home to. I imagined me walking in the house to a gorgeous boyfriend who is head over heels for me watching football highlights on the couch. I imagined laying on the couch and resting my head in his lap. I imagined silently leading him up the stairs to our bedroom with a sly grin on my face. I imagined being held in his warm arms. I imagined being overwhelmed with comfort and love. Now here I am, watching Star Trek on TV with a chihuahua shivering next to me trying to get warm and a cat hacking up yet another fur ball. All I want is to be wanted and I know I am and this is probably just a vulnerable moment of weakness but I just need to be told right now.

You know sometimes I just can’t believe that I have been single for so long. I mean I’m not hideous, maybe not the most gorgeous person in the world, but definitely not ugly. Maybe it is my personality. I seem to get along really well with guys but maybe it is that I can be too comfortable with them and slip into the friend zone. I don’t go out often enough. That is probably the problem. I don’t dress myself up anymore to attract anyone; although, recently I have been putting more effort in to being presentable. I still don’t see a turn around in guys though. I need the comfort of a man. I need to feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach again. i feel like I am drying out on the inside. Like my heart is freezing over and I’ll forever be alone with my animals. I see women everywhere who are, in my opinion, much less attractive than me in both looks and body, that are in extremely happy relationships-or so they seem. Why can’t that be me? Why don’t men find me desirable? It has gotten so bad that I am actually trying to facebook-stalk my ex from 4 years ago! I was even trying to call his old number which I had memorized. It was disconnected. I’m almost 23 and I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t have anyone to kiss at new years. I won’t have a valentine. I won’t have a birthday date. I just hate to think about what I could be if I had just kept my weight under control a long time ago. My weight has to be the reason why I am just not desired. I have allowed it to take over my life and turn everything into something negative. I let it hold me back from going out with friends or allowing myself to let go. I hate that.

God I feel so vulnerable right now and the fact that I am writing all of this out for anyone else out on the internet to read really scares me. Oh internet universe–please be kind.

Accepting Failure and Allowing Myself to Be Happy

I realize that it isn’t always the easiest to accept my failures. This becomes abundantly clear the more and more I set this outlandish goals and then not reach them. I don’t think I do this purposely of course–that is set a high weight loss goal and then not reach it–but sometimes I wonder why I haven’t just listened to myself and realized what all is going on in my crazy, jumbled brain. I think I got so excited about finally taking my weight loss serious that I jumped right into it and while I haven’t burnt out yet I feel like I am becoming a little bit more realistic to the fact that I probably won’t be down 100 lbs in a year. While that would be amazing to accomplish, I just won’t do it. I know this. I’ve accepted it, as upsetting as it is. My next biggest goal was to be down 50 by the end of this year and in less my school load lightens up and I somehow muster enough energy to go to the gym everyday while maintaining a complete chicken, egg, and vegetable diet it just won’t happen. I guess I am still not keen on this failure yet but maybe just a step toward seeing the more positive side of it.

I’ve come across horrible news. One of my major milestones that I have set was to be down 100 pounds by my friends wedding to which I am a bridesmaid in. Well, lets be a bit more realistic here–that probably won’t happen. Anyway, the wedding date had finally been set a couple months ago for April 30th, 2011. Here’s the bad news–I found out in class last week that my graduation day has finally been set as well–to April 30, 2011. How fucked up is this? I told my friend about it and she understands if I wouldn’t be able to make it to her wedding seeing as how both events are pretty major in our lives. I haven’t responded back to her but I’m thinking I can make this work. My commencement is at 10AM in the morning and the wedding ceremony is at 4:35PM. With a bit of hussle, I can make this happen. My only problem now is if I have family in town. What am I suppose to tell them? Oh sorry, I have to go now to be in a wedding so thanks for coming, see you next time??  Oh geez. I want to be there for my friends, I mean this is a HUGE day for them and I love them both so much I don’t want to miss it. Then again, this is a HUGE milestone in my life as well. Your graduation day is suppose to be all about you, ya know? But then I hate to think about how selfish that sounds. I’m still not sure about what to do.

So Bre and I have decided to do South Beach hardcore until Thanksgiving. I really need to kickstart my weight loss. I would like to be down to at least 245 by the end of the year if I can’t make it to 50 (237). Then, hopefully, by the wedding/graduation day I can be around 200…possible break into onderland. That would be nice. I would like to be attractive enough by then too to have a boyfriend that I can kiss after I get my degree and dance with at the wedding!!  UGHHH. On that note, I have decided to get over my women’s movement of no makeup, who cares what men think, all girls not like me are ditzy phase and suck it up. I don’t feel pretty anymore and, yes, a huge part of that is my weight, but it’s also my attitude. Of course no guy wants a girl who, first of all is gigantic, but second of all doesn’t at least see herself as attractive. So my plan is to starting doing my hair more, wearing jewelry, putting more makeup on to bring out my prettiness. I know it is deep in there somewhere I just need to bring it out more. I’ve also decided to hang with the girls more- to get out more and allow myself to flirt again. I’ve had enough of this dry spell of boys and I’m ready to be able to find a new man who can be my bestfriend again and not let my past experience dictate my love life anymore. If I want others to see my as beautiful, I need to first see myself. Corny–I know, but I kind like it.

EFF U DOC

Damnit it all it to hell! I’m sick. FML. I hate hate hate hate hate hate being sick! I just absolutely hate it. I hate the scratchy throat, the coughing, the aches, the not being able to do anything! Ugh I just hate it all.

Lets see how being sick has affected my weight. Monday the 8th I was 257.2. Tuesday 256.6, Wednesday 250.0 and then I EFFED it all up when I got sick. In the past I have had this remedy of having a JambaJuice Cold Buster every morning until the cold goes away. Well this one particular morning it didn’t stop at a Cold buster. Oh no. I had Chik-Fil-A for lunch and potato salad for dinner. Talk about three major food groups I can’t have!! Sugar, carbs, and fat. Ugh! Needless to say I weighed in Thursday morning at 257.4 which was a serious let down considering I was SOOO close to 255!! Well here’s the weird part. This morning I weighed in and was at 270 on the nose which was great because it was a half pound down. I was hoping for more but what are ya gonna do. When you EFF up you gotta start somewhere. So I fell asleep and here’s whats weird…I woke up and felt this CRAZZZY urge to pee. An urge I haven’t felt in a very long time. So I shuffled my sick ass to the bathroom and took the longest piss in history. I should have timed it. Seriously. Anyway, I thought AHH I’ll weigh again. What did the scale say???  255.0!!!!  I don’t know if that was the forever piss, the nap or a serious mix up on the scale but I weighed about 10 times to double check. I thought it must be my eyes. The scale would go up about 4 oz. and then back down but sure enough  it said 255 on the nose more often than not. I’m hoping it still says that tomorrow! How weird??  Oh well, I’m going to try not to question it too much because a lb lost is a lb lost.

I did go see my doctor yesterday for my illness and while we sat there going over the usual illness questions I waited for him to mention my weight. Even the nurse who weighed me said, oh 20 lbs since you last saw us! She was all excited and here is my gorgeous light skinned asshole of a Mediterranean doctor absolutely overlooking it. This is the man who told me if I didn’t lose, I would die. So I said, “Yo! Doc. You are really going to sit there and not say anything about my weight loss?? in my cute/joking way and my cheesy grin. He looks straight and my stomach and stares for a few seconds. I said, “No doc you can’t look at me and tell if you have to look at the number!” SO he flips through my chart all the way back to a year and 9 months ago and says, “Well it looks like you were at 273 then, 6 months later 278, 6 months later 276, the next visit 281 and now you are at 260.”  The scale at home obviously doesn’t match my doctor’s but according to my docs scale my highest was 287. He looks up at me after all this as I stare down at him with a “hey be proud of me grin.” He says, “So overall you’ve lost only about 13 lbs in close to a year. I could have killed him! I mean I REALLY could…I mean hello…ONLY!  Only this foot up your ass doc! I was so taken aback. He’s always on me to lose weight and when I finally do he says to me, “I really was expecting a more drastic weight loss by now.” Great. Everything from his first instinct to look at my stomach to scolding me for not losing more just put me over the edge. I said, ” OK doc, are we done? You’ve pissed me off and we’re done. Give me my prescription.” I walked out saying, “Just you see Dr. Al (my nickname for him), in 6 more months you’ll see me!” I probably overreacted but I’m sick of his condescending attitude.

Well I need to get to my homework. Guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to see if my 255 was a fluke.