I am feeling a bit lonely. My roommate is moving out. Did I say that I had a roommate? Well she was a good friend of mine that I met through school. She is a year younger and it shows. Then again I think I’m a 40 year old in a twenty-two year old’s body at times. She is bubbly, hyper, and rearin’ to go with any cute guy she sees. Oh, and she’s petite and gorgeous. Well, she originally moved in with me due to issues with her parents and wanting to get out of their house. She said she would never look back. Fast forward a few months and there she goes–back home. She says it is because of her dificulty with funding school being that some scheduling–and financial aid–issues arose. I think it’s mostly because she doesn’t like living with me. I can admit I can be a bit messy in my personal quarters (ie room, bathroom) and I have a dog and cat who seem to want to piss wherever they want. I clean up after myself and them pretty well and I like to keep a clean common area. In the beginning we were close, we hung out on Saturdays, made breakfasts together, cleaned up the kitchen together and would go out with friends almost every other night. Now I never see her, she doesn’t come home and I feel like she just hates spending time with me anymore. It has really just gotten to the point where we are really no longer friends but just roommates. She is supposedly moving out this weekend but who knows. I haven’t seen her in a couple of days. I see her posts on facebook and videos of her and her bestfriend, with whom we ALL use to hang out together. Even tonight there was one of them all together dancing at someone’s house. It hurts. All of my friends are all either with their boyfriends or husbands or out having fun and forgetting about me. It’s like I have broken all of my good friendships in one way or another. I don’t know why. I don’t think I do anything to offend them or make them feel like I don’t want to spend time with them. In fact I reach out to them fairly often–or at least as much as someone who works and goes to school full time.
Tonight as I was leaving my dad’s house and driving home I had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I knew Melissa wouldn’t be home and that I would be going home to an empty house with nothing to do and nothing to look forward to tomorrow. On the drive home I played different scenarios in my head of what I wanted to go home to. I imagined me walking in the house to a gorgeous boyfriend who is head over heels for me watching football highlights on the couch. I imagined laying on the couch and resting my head in his lap. I imagined silently leading him up the stairs to our bedroom with a sly grin on my face. I imagined being held in his warm arms. I imagined being overwhelmed with comfort and love. Now here I am, watching Star Trek on TV with a chihuahua shivering next to me trying to get warm and a cat hacking up yet another fur ball. All I want is to be wanted and I know I am and this is probably just a vulnerable moment of weakness but I just need to be told right now.
You know sometimes I just can’t believe that I have been single for so long. I mean I’m not hideous, maybe not the most gorgeous person in the world, but definitely not ugly. Maybe it is my personality. I seem to get along really well with guys but maybe it is that I can be too comfortable with them and slip into the friend zone. I don’t go out often enough. That is probably the problem. I don’t dress myself up anymore to attract anyone; although, recently I have been putting more effort in to being presentable. I still don’t see a turn around in guys though. I need the comfort of a man. I need to feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach again. i feel like I am drying out on the inside. Like my heart is freezing over and I’ll forever be alone with my animals. I see women everywhere who are, in my opinion, much less attractive than me in both looks and body, that are in extremely happy relationships-or so they seem. Why can’t that be me? Why don’t men find me desirable? It has gotten so bad that I am actually trying to facebook-stalk my ex from 4 years ago! I was even trying to call his old number which I had memorized. It was disconnected. I’m almost 23 and I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t have anyone to kiss at new years. I won’t have a valentine. I won’t have a birthday date. I just hate to think about what I could be if I had just kept my weight under control a long time ago. My weight has to be the reason why I am just not desired. I have allowed it to take over my life and turn everything into something negative. I let it hold me back from going out with friends or allowing myself to let go. I hate that.
God I feel so vulnerable right now and the fact that I am writing all of this out for anyone else out on the internet to read really scares me. Oh internet universe–please be kind.