So I’m sitting here with some friends at a coffee shop doing homework (which I finished). The conversation turned to the future and I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach. These girls are younger than me (21 and 20) and they are making all these plans for their graduate degrees, boyfriends, husbands, kids, moving away from family and just in general the wonderful things they want to accomplish. This isn’t to say that I don’t have goals either but at the same time it makes me feel queezy. Not the good, I’m so excited for the future queezy that I can’t wait. I feel like my weight is holding me back. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in several years and I feel like I never will. I mean I know I’ll probably meet the man I want, find the career I love and live happily ever after with a wonderful life but it’s just so hard to look into that right now. I want to so badly and I feel like I overwhelming with jealousy. I want to leave Arizona too but I feel like so much is holding me back too. I don’t know if I could leave my dad who is getting into his 60’s. He’s independent as it is but I feel like I would be abandoning him. My brother isn’t here and while he talks about coming back desperately I just don’t see it happening any time soon. I don’t know if that would make me feel better about the situation but right now it seems like a comfort. Its scary to think of being completely away from my family. I almost feel like if I had a solid boyfriend that it would make it that much easier but I just don’t know. I want to go down to Tucson to complete my BSN but I just don’t know how that is possible. I have all these aspirations and goals but so many things that hold me back. If I do that program I can’t work. If I can’t work, I can’t live on my own. I have a cat and a dog, what is going to happen to them. I’m not one of those that takes on a responsibility at my own free will and then leaving it behind because its “too hard”. I just can’t do that. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle a BSN program. I want to go for my Masters but who knows what will happen. I want to be thin so badly it kills me sometimes. I feel like I let it hold me back from the most exciting times in my life. I really should be out having more fun but I feel like the old lady in the group. These two friends with me now are not that much younger than me but they have so much they want to do and right now I’m just not sure. I don’t know where this money is going to come from and I don’t know where I am going to be be in a year. I feel like my job is slipping away from my grasp. The economy has hit the education industry so hard and all the lay off rumors at work are really getting to me. I would like to think that if things go tits up that I can just go home, but what home do I go back to? My dad who has enough troubles making it work as it is? My mom in Florida who is finally on her own with her husband and approaching retirement rapidly? I just can’t go home, I have to make this work and I have no idea what my safety net is anymore. I have a little bit of savings but not enough to sustain a full year of schooling with no work. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I can always take financial aid out in order to assist me with my living situation but I don’t want the loans. I have my education fund for a reason but I don’t want it to dwindle. With all that I want to do with my education I just don’t want it to all disappear. I hate to say this but I want that education money (to which I get full access to when I turn 25) to have for myself. I want to be able to take advantage of my free tuition as long as I can but I also don’t want to struggle with leaving my job and losing that benefit. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. My friends seem like they just have this great family relationship so if they fail at whatever they do (which I’m sure they wouldn’t) they have that family back up. They are so close with their families, regardless of how fucked up they are (another story, another day), but I just couldn’t go back home. It’s too late to turn back now to that.
What I really want I guess is the safety of a steady boyfriend, my dream body, and a worry-free life. I don’t see that happening. I want to be loved and held by somebody that can tell me I can do whatever I want and succeed because that is how strong I am.
Well we are packing up so I will have to finish another time. Just feeling overwhelmed right now.