Archive for October, 2010

Mother-Maintaining-Quitting

So I am currently in the middle of my mother’s visit. She is with some old highschool friends from the reunion right now having breakfast. I feel like I am letting my weight slip out from underneath me for this mini staycation. I went out to dinner with a friend last night pretty late and the only place open was, of course, Olive Garden. My weakness. I said screw it and went. Ate half my plate, 2 breadsticks and a large bowl of salad. Not too bad but I did leave feeling disgusting. I guess my goal right now is to stay under 260 this entire vacation. I was up to 259 the other day when I weighed. Ughhhh! 

A nice surprise though. My mom had put together these little thumb drives jam packed with pictures of my family all the way back to the 1800’s. Well the pictures of the last time I saw myself were in one of the albums. I had completely forgotten that I saw her at my previous weight-287!. I completely forgot!!!  My mom hadn’t commented on my weight or so much as looked at it until that picture popped up on my laptop screen of my brother and I in Florida when my hair was still black and my gut was hanging over my pants. I think I was wearing too small of pants then anyway but she had said that I actually looked smaller now then I did then. Then she said something that I really needed to hear. ” As long as you are healthy and happy, thats all I care about.”  Oh God, I really needed to hear that.

Anyway, I am too scared to weigh myself after last night’s dinner. I should just to get a good look at everything and put myself in perspective. I need to keep going. Seeing my mom has really helped me just keep on track. I’m not as stressed anymore so it makes me want to keep on goal that much more. I want to be able to go see her after my graduation in May and surprise her for Mother’s day–and be thin!!!  Oh God I just can’t wait. I want to go out there and see her smile spread from ear to ear. Plus I’d like to shove it in her husbands face that I can be thin!

I have decided to quit smoking. My mother absolutely despises it and it kills me that something that I know would break her heart is being hidden from her. I don’t want to see myself deteriorate like her mother who died from lung cancer. I just can’t do that to myself. I’m already getting my body back into shape, it doesn’t make sense that I poison myself along the way too. I use to say that I would concentrate on losing over 100 lbs first and then concentrate on quitting….but I can’t. I really can’t. I feel like I’m lying to my mother and I just can’t do it anymore. This is my attempt. I am going to be one grumpy bitch for the next few weeks!!

Finally the 250’s!!

So it has been a while since I have posted. My bad. I finally broke into the 250’s. ‘Bout damn time! I bounced back and forth between 259 and 260 for a couple weeks too. I think I have finally found what got me out of my stall. Sticking to South Beach has really made my weight loss easier. Not EASY but EASIER. I got a new low yesterday at 256.6. Which was fantastic. I was happy but not ecstatic. I’m just glad to be closer to 250, thus closer to 250, thus closer to 200 than 300. I’m happy. I messed up last night and had wine and a little bit of pasta which is why today I’m at 257.4 but I know I’ll get it back down. My weight loss partner is struggling and it kills me to see her struggle with it. I just want to be there to tell her what to eat and when to exercise but I know I can’t and each of our weight loss struggles is our own and no one can tell you what to do. I just feel for her, I know her situation and how how it is to watch the scale go down, and then right back up, and up, and up. It’s stressful. I’ve found that the gym has gotten a little easier to commit to. Granted I only went twice last week but the times I went really helped. I’m feeling more positive rather than self loathing. I don’t see much difference in my clothes or my body yet but others can…when I ask them-of course, haha. No boy potential yet. I must really not be attractive overweight. Some times I see myself as somewhat pretty when I look in the mirror in the morning after doing my hair and makeup but later in the day I’ll catch myself in the bathroom mirror at work and I look old and puffy. School has definitely taken a toll. I am on a short break from doubling up right now which is nice but I know I’ll be stressed to no end in another couple weeks when I go back to double  up-with Anatomy and Physiology of ALL things to double up with!! AH! It’ll be stressful. I’ve discovered also that it is almost impossible for me to lose weight without my snacks.

I haven’t made my 40 in four goal considering my mother will be here in 4 more days. Ah, thats crazy to think of. My stomach has been in knots since last weekend over it. I’m hoping to lose another 2 lbs before she comes, that will put me a few lbs short of 40. I have I think 19 more lbs before my second goal of 50 before the end of the year. I figure if I can do 50 from May 24-December 31, a little over 6 months, then I can do another 50 by May or June next year. I’m also hoping to be in an 18 by the end of the year. I am in a 20 now. Finally! 20’s are still a little snug later in the day but in the morning they fit almost perfectly. I’ve cut out a lot of carbs but I still have to have a slice of sourdough with my eggs in the morning, without it it’s impossible to get them down, bleh!!!  But later in the day-around 11:30AM- it is worth it as I have to race home from work to make it to the toilet in time. TMI. Anyway, I can put up with eggs as long as it works for me. My blood pressure was up when I went to see my lady doctor last Friday. 130/84 I think. I don’t remember what I usually am. I’ll have to ask my regular doctor when I see him. Not sure in the spike of my blood pressure but apparently my lady doctor wasn’t concerned although that isn’t really her specialty either. Need to fill my prescription for the pill too. I stopped taking them around the 17th of last month and haven’t have anything since so my weightloss isn’t enough to get me my period again. Must still have those damned cysts on my ovaries. Ef PCOS by the way.

Well I have done a lot of cleaning this week, finally cleaned out my car and my kitchen. Doing a lot of laundry now. My overall goal is to make my house look clean rather than just a mess!! Thought I would have burned enough calories to counteract my dinner last night although apparently not given today’s weigh in.  I want to record what my average day is lately so later on if I Eff up again I can look back on this.

Breakfast:

1 sl. sourdough

1oz. cheese

2 eggs

coffee-with SF creamer and Splenda (sometimes milk, was out today though and of course NF milk)

Snacks (both morning and afternoon):

celery w/ PB (or just PB on its own, no more than 2 TBS)

almonds w/ cheese stick (or just the cheese, or just the almonds, although almonds by themselves make me what more food shortly after-fairly high binge influence)

Dinner:

Chicken breast w/ a green vegetable

Although if my day so far is high in calories then I have a verrrrry small dinner. Lately it has been a peanut butter spoon and a glass of milk or a salad with some of the precooked chicken from the store. I have decided to keep my calories within 1500 while doing SB. I think I stalled because I got so use to SB that I let the carbs slip in too much. If I stick to what is above and do at least an hour at the gym doing cardio then I should see a weight loss the next day.

I need to start lotioning up my body more. I have seen that my stretch marks are becoming more visible as things have started to sag a smidge. Not enough that anyone else would notice but I do. The SM’s on the inside of my boobs seem more visible when I wear tank tops now and on the outside of my boobs they are much more visible. Must be because there isn’t as much fat to push them flat. Now they are kinda just sagging. Need to start working on muscle mass now too. I need to start working on my stomach muscles. I would like to begin a washboard stomach!! HAHA!  Yea right!. I have noticed in my gut though that there are indents again that look like they are separating the obese part and the “just fat” part. I was going to take pictures again this morning but my phone was dying.

NSV- I touched my fingers to the ground the other day at the gym when stretching at the waist. Was a nice feeling and I don’t remember whether I was able to do that before or not but none the less exciting. I wasn’t able to stretch any further to get my whole hand on the ground but maybe eventually I will. I have really lost a lot of flexibility. I hate it. I really need to start stretching more. My neck and back are really out of whack. Might just be the stress from work and school too.

While I was at the gym the other night I kept looking into the basketball courts and watching a couple guys shooting hoops. Oh how I wanted to go in there! I miss the ball! I miss the swish of the hoop!! OHHHHHH! I don’t think my body could handle my jumping around right now. Soon enough I will be able to get back on the court.

Well I think thats all for now. Will probably not post again until after my mother leaves. Taking a few days off work, including the day she is here. Will have to do as much homework as possible this week in preparation. I need my weeknights free to go to the gym. I saw a lady there the other night who was still really feminine and cute but realllllly cut. Her arms were so firm and curvy from the muscle. I don’t want to be as muscular as her but she was my inspiration. Feminine but kick ass!

Okay, ’til next time!

PS. Pictures below are from October 6th. Part of our new 280’s Ladies Picture Post once a month.

10/6/2010

What is going on with me!!

So I’m sitting here with some friends at a coffee shop doing homework (which I finished). The conversation turned to the future and I get that butterfly feeling in my stomach. These girls are younger than me (21 and 20) and they are making all these plans for their graduate degrees, boyfriends, husbands, kids, moving away from family and just in general the wonderful things they want to accomplish. This isn’t to say that I don’t have goals either but at the same time it makes me feel queezy. Not the good, I’m so excited for the future queezy that I can’t wait. I feel like my weight is holding me back. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in several years and I feel like I never will. I mean I know I’ll probably meet the man I want, find the career I love and live happily ever after with a wonderful life but it’s just so hard to look into that right now. I want to so badly and I feel like I overwhelming with jealousy. I want to leave Arizona too but I feel like so much is holding me back too. I don’t know if I could leave my dad who is getting into his 60’s. He’s independent as it is but I feel like I would be abandoning him. My brother isn’t here and while he talks about coming back desperately I just don’t see it happening any time soon. I don’t know if that would make me feel better about the situation but right now it seems like a comfort. Its scary to think of being completely away from my family. I almost feel like if I had a solid boyfriend that it would make it that much easier but I just don’t know. I want to go down to Tucson to complete my BSN but I just don’t know how that is possible. I have all these aspirations and goals but so many things that hold me back. If I do that program I can’t work. If I can’t work, I can’t live on my own. I have a cat and a dog, what is going to happen to them. I’m not one of those that takes on a responsibility at my own free will and then leaving it behind because its “too hard”. I just can’t do that. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle a BSN program. I want to go for my Masters but who knows what will happen. I want to be thin so badly it kills me sometimes. I feel like I let it hold me back from the most exciting times in my life. I really should be out having more fun but I feel like the old lady in the group. These two friends with me now are not that much younger than me but they have so much they want to do and right now I’m just not sure. I don’t know where this money is going to come from and I don’t know where I am going to be be in a year. I feel like my job is slipping away from my grasp. The economy has hit the education industry so hard and all the lay off rumors at work are really getting to me. I would like to think that if things go tits up that I can just go home, but what home do I go back to? My dad who has enough troubles making it work as it is? My mom in Florida who is finally on her own with her husband and approaching retirement rapidly? I just can’t go home, I have to make this work and I have no idea what my safety net is anymore. I have a little bit of savings but not enough to sustain a full year of schooling with no work. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I can always take financial aid out in order to assist me with my living situation but I don’t want the loans. I  have my education fund for a reason but I don’t want it to dwindle. With all that I want to do with my education I just don’t want it to all disappear. I hate to say this but I want that education money (to which I get full access to when I turn 25) to have for myself. I want to be able to take advantage of my free tuition as long as I can but I also don’t want to struggle with leaving my job and losing that benefit. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. My friends seem like they just have this great family relationship so if they fail at whatever they do (which I’m sure they wouldn’t) they have that family back up. They are so close with their families, regardless of how fucked up they are (another story, another day), but I just couldn’t go back home. It’s too late to turn back now to that.

What I really want I guess is the safety of a steady boyfriend, my dream body, and a worry-free life. I don’t see that happening. I want to be loved and held by somebody that can tell me I can do whatever I want and succeed because that is how strong I am.

 

Well we are packing up so I will have to finish another time. Just feeling overwhelmed right now. :(