Archive for June, 2010

My Death in October

I spoke with my mother yesterday evening for close to 2 hours. It was great, we talked about everything. My mother and I have a rocky relationship. I left her house when I was 14 due to her marrying and moving with a man that I despised. He has a fear of overweight people and it showed every time I reached for seconds at the dinner table and never missed a moment to comment on my round and awkward shape. He had that look on his face of disapproval and never showed me affection. I was chubby then but not overly so. It broke my heart but I was angry at the time so I ran away from it. I ended up losing quite a bit of weight after that as well as shooting up about 5 inches. Evened out in to a nice hour glass figure. I shoved it in his face as much as I possibly could by sending pictures of me and my friends to my mom-whom I knew would show to him. Anyway, the last time I saw my mother was a couple years ago-after being on steroids for close to a year and gaining a good 50 lbs. The look on her face in the airport broke my heart. The year before that she was so excited to see me in my size 9 jeans and beautiful long blonde hair. I no doubt fit the look she had always seen of her daughter. An exact replica of  her when she was my age. When I saw her 50 lbs heavier with short black hair and too much makeup, she passed right by me in the airport. Didn’t recognize me and it tugged at my heart. When I called for her it broke my heart even more to see the look on her face. She was excited to see me although she couldn’t hide the disgust-I could see it in her eyes. Hugging her was painful as I knew she was thinking about how much it took to wrap her arms around me and feel the difference in size in comparison to just a year before. The look in her husbands eyes as well as my brothers was just further heart break.

My mother inherited an ‘83 Mercedes from her mother when she passed so it was a big deal in my childhood to get to ride in that car. It was always so big and powerful-fancy leather seats that swallowed me up. I just sank in to that car and it felt good. Although at this particular moment, when my mother pulled it around to the curb, I didn’t sink in to the seats. In fact I had to push the seat back in order get in. Naturally I was definitely taller since the last I had been in it but the ordeal it took for me to fit in it so my gut didn’t spill over my belt in an unnatural sitting position was not only embarressing but painful. I wanted to cry right then and there. I should mention that this car also had the automatic seatbelts that wrapped around you as soon as you closed the door. I had to readjust my seat again in order to get the seat belt to fit. The stupid beeping sound of an unbuckled passenger kept going off as I tried to suck in my stomach to get it shut up! I was mortified. My mother was quiet throughout this but I knew what she was thinking. I know my mother and know how much appearance is to her. I just wanted to cry. The entire visit was miserable for me as I began to notice the undeniable looks from my mother, step father, brother, and all of their friends and neighbors. How did this fat girl come from this thin and beautiful family. I didn’t fit in. They wanted to go boating since I was from a land locked state. Lets take the fat girl out on a boat! Good idea. It was even more embaressment when I had to make the leap from the dock to the boat and the boat actually waked. Kill me now. Aweful vacation!

Back to my conversation with my mother. She decided toward the end of the conversation-and with hestitation- to mention that she was coming back out to Arizona for her 40th high school reunion and wanted to spend a couple days with me as well as drive up North a bit to see her father-another person in my life who disapproves of my weight and takes any chance he can to mention it. Again the last time I saw my mother I was around 230 and that was painful enough. I am now 280 (Yes finally got down 3 friggin pounds). Thats another 50 undeniably visible pounds.

I am trying to lose weight the healthy way and not digress back to my ways of not eating but every other day and taking diet pills just to lose 5 pounds but this type of situation just kills me. It makes me so desperate to take out a loan and get a doctor to suck out 100 lbs of stupid food binges. I can’t believe this and it makes my chest tighten as I even think about it. I know I can’t lose enough weight by October to make it look like I am back to my normal self. I feel like anxiety is about to set in. It shouldn’t be this way. I should be happy to see my mother regardless of my weight but my embarressment or my upcoming inevitably embaressing visit has me freaking out. I can’t stand that something like my weight and avoiding insufferable stares from my family has me avoiding them at all costs. My father sees me more often so when I mention my weight to him he says he doesn’t see a change. Of course now that he has lost 30 pounds and is back in a size 32 he starts noticing everything on my body!

I told a friend of mine who knows about my weight and family connection anxiety that my mother is visiting in 4 months and she wants to put together a plan. She also wants to lose 10 lbs for her fathers wedding in a month. She says I could easily lose 40 lbs in 4 months and it would show a vast improvement in my appearance. I want to do 40 lbs in 4 months so badly but I know it is not the smart thing to do in the long run. I know that as soon as my visit with my mother is done that I will go back to the diet I am keeping now (which is slowly losing weight by about a lb a week) and my body won’t be able to keep up so I will gain. I know this is what will happen but my desperation is taking over right now.

God how I wish there was a way to to safely lose 100 lbs in 4 months and I could be back in a size 15 which is so much better than my 24/26! I could stop wearing Spanx-which I am addicted to-so that I can still fudge my fat ass in to my 22’s without too much of a muffin top. I thought about just telling my mother that I have gained weight and that I would appreciate if no one said anything due to my sensitivity but the eyes don’t lie and I know the unspoken comments are what kill me most.

On another note-I am seeing my doctor on Monday whom I have been avoiding in order to avoid an inevitable weight lecture, even though I have been busting my ass against my food addiction. I know  he will put me back on Metformin which isn’t a bad idea- it helps me lose weight. He won’t approve me to take any additional assistance in weight loss pills like phentermine. I know that are horrible for your body. They help you lose weight successfully although as soon as you stop taking them, the weight comes right back on and I know I don’t want that. Although I am desperate enough to take them for four months and lose those 40 lbs! Oh what to do. I know I just want to cry. I know I won’t lose even 10 lbs by October. I know myself and I know that I get worked up and will start a new exercise and diet plan for a week and then give up on just like I give up on quitting smoking.

 

I think I am going to beg my doctor for phentermine. Yes, I think my desperation is THAT bad.

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