A picture says a thousand words…

I finally put together all of my weight loss goals for the next 9 months. Jeez, now that I say it, 9 months sounds like a very short period of time considering the amount of weight I want to lose-more than 130 lbs! From 287 down to 150. Well I guess thats not fair. If I count it as my current weight (275) then I’m facing 125 lbs in 9 months. That is almost 14 lbs a month. Oh man…maybe I should re-evaluate my goals here. Thats a lot!

Anywho, I was reading a post earlier about a woman who was asking if anyone else had noticed a change in their figures since losing weight. Many of the women who responded had said they were different than they were before they gained the weight, or they didn’t see a change yet, or that they went right back to what they were before. I thought about this and was tying to think what figure I was before I had gained all of this weight. For the life of me I can’t figure out what I was before. I’ve always been overweight even when I had evened out after my growth spurt as a teen. My mother had made a comment to me when I was 13 or 14 about my shape and had said I was an apple. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know there was more than one fruit shape! I’ve always had stomach fat so of course I guess I was round. I still tried to wear low rise jeans in the hope it would give me somewhat of a figure. I just don’t think I have ever had a figure. I’ve always been too overweight to see what my shape really is. My butt took after my mother, who for a little white woman might as well be named Beyonce. That butt began to sink in though as my hips outgrew them enough to create that awesome spare tire all the way around. I’m a little concerned with how I will look after I lose all of this weight. I won’t have anything to compare it to because I really don’t know if I was an hour glass, pear, figure 8 or what. I know I’ll be happy to be thin but I am definitely afraid that I will be a shape that I’m not necessarily happy with. I think that I would like to be an hour glass as I think that is the most attractive shape on women. My chest has grown with my weight so I’m not sure how it will look afterwards. I wasn’t able to see what my body looked like at peak growth so I’m not sure if I am meant to have a large chest, a skinny waist or even wide hips. My mother had a small chest and large butt but my father’s mother was always apple as far as I can remember (she was overweight the majority of her life also). I hope that I do have curves and not that straight line body like some girls have. I don’t think that is attractive but when I lie in bed (I’m a nude sleeper) and I run one hand from the side of my hip all the way up my waist and to under my arms, I feel a curve. I feel my hand dip in at my waist and I feel it go back up when I get to my rib cage and underarm. That has to mean curves right? Mean curves!?

I have a picture of me on my cell phone that only exists due to being saved on one of those tiny picture chips that I have moved from one phone to the next. It is a picture I took of myself when I was 18 I believe. I was in my favorite jeans and favorite long sleeved black shirt. I had long blonde hair that was a little desheveled..it was New Year’s eve morning.  I also had on my favorite black leather belt. I was laying on my side staring at myself in my closet doors (which were mirrors) and thinking how great my curves looked. It’s funny how everything flattens out perfectly to a great sillhouette when you are on your side! I took a picture of the same area that I talked about earlier- the side of my body from hip to arm-and it was flat. Granted everything had moved south and was flattening it out against gravity but my hip bone was popping out. I don’t feel my hip bone anymore when I lay like that. My skin was clear…no visible stretchmarks or red lines from my pants being too tight. Just clear milky skin, a hip bone and the gap it all showed through betwen my tight jeans with my beautiful black belt and my favorite black top (which I wore so much that it had holes in it-and I still wore it). It was such a flattering outfit! I miss it soo much. I still have the belt-which has changed shape due to me wearing it so much. I want to get back that outfit! I would give anything to be that girl in that picture. My hair was a serious mess but it was still long and curly from the night before, my makeup was still on but in that sexy day after way…it was just a hot look.

When I look back on these pictures I look at me in them as a totally different person-like I’m looking at someone’s hot friend. I was so cute! I was insecure then and always trying to pull off a look that I never thought I would pull off. Now that I look back and I see these pictures, I see that I did pull that look off. Why couldn’t I see it then? I held myself back thinking I didn’t look as cute as I really was. Now I know I look frumpy and would kill to get back to that one picture of me on New Year’s eve morning. That picture says a thousand words to me every time I see it.

Beauty, confidence, natural, sexy, pretty, silky, sillohouesque, stylish! (Just to name a few)

 I want it all back and the thought of these next 9 months is so daunting. I have this voice in the back of my head telling me I won’t complete my goals and I won’t get to where I want because I never stick to anything.  I’ll never get back in those jeans or that belt or that shirt because my lazy ass got myself to 280 lbs, 100 lbs heavier than when that picture was taken!!

I don’t know how to make that voice shut up but oh how I would like it to.

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