Reality. I’m fat.

27 Jun, 2010

New Journey Friend Brought Up Memories…

Posted by: shellydeflores In: Uncategorized

A response I did earlier tonight to a new friend of mine in our journey. I thought I’d post it since it brought up so many memories that I haven’t even thought of in a very long time!

Hi *****,

I definitely welcome new friends of the weight-loss journey. I don’t know if I had so much of a binge addiction but I definitely had a problem. I don’t think I could finish a whole pizza but I have a good bet that I could give it a shot! Eating has definitely been something that has filled voids and boredom. I easily would put away a cheeseburger, fries, 10 pc nugget, and a large soda….although I would feel quite sick afterwards. Maybe that does sound like a binge problem! Sometimes I just couldn’t stop. I still fight the urge to go in the kitchen and eat something. I always have to ask myself…why do I want it? Am I hungry or am I just craving it? Am I going to be happy after I eat it. Sometimes I still do it…I can’t explain why..I just do. And afterward I hate myself. It’s very frustrating. I’ve actually had to resort to filling my house with all health food, and no temptations. This way if I do binge, it will be forced on fruit or God help me–celery. It sucks and I want to cry because I can’t eat what my friends can.

I hate when people say, yes you can eat it..just in moderation!  Well there is no moderation with me and tacos or beef or bread! I just keep eating until it’s gone, or a I can’t breathe. The hard truth is—I just can’t eat it. There is no such thing as a cheat day-it’s just me messing up. I try not to beat myself up over it anymore because I can start over again the next day but sometimes it’s like that next day can’t come fast enough. I want results now. Thats not realistic so I force myself to wait or find something to take my mind off of it.

I’ve run away with my thoughts again…haha sorry!
In middle school I was teetering back and forth between 150-160. High school got me up to about 170..somehow squeezed my ass in a 13 though. That was un heard of. Once I got a car..I was the same way…much easier access to food and became much more lazy-plus it was easy to be able to buy all the food I wanted, eat in the car and hide the evidence. Before that I walked in the Arizona summer sun to and fro work..about a mile each way. When I was with my last boyfriend..I think I finally hit 190 and I outweighed him. I secretly could get over it in my head so I think I took it out on him. After I broke up with him- I ballooned. I worked in a mall so I ate in the food court daily. My down fall was cinnabon! I decided to leave retail and get a desk job. Huge mistake! Sadly, it caught up with me and it all came on very quickly. I haven’t been with anyone since…a friend of a friend here and there…some flirting..but no relationships. I think I keep myself from relationships because I feel I’m not good enough. Skinny girls have boyfriends. Not fat bitches who can’t even control what we stuff in our mouthes!

In junior high I developed a terrible habit of eating less than 500 calories a day. That then developed into throwing up after binges. I learned how to turn many different objects in the bathroom in to a throwing up enforcer! It was horrible. I felt guilty as all hell when I quit doing it..but I knew I couldn’t hack it-oh yea and it’s bad for you.

My ultimate dream number would be to be down to a 130. For our height, we should really be between 140-160 so you are definitely aiming for the right area. When I was moving from elementary school to jr high, my mother would take me to weight watchers. She hasn’t ever had a weight problem. At the time I was at 150…as a 12 year old….I was also very athletic and about 5’2″. When puberty hit I shot up about 6 inches and everything evened out…so weight loss went in the back of my mind! Guys paid attention to me…I definitely didn’t look my age.

I kind of have accepted that I will probably always be a little chubby in life but if I can get to see the 130 lb girl underneath all of this and let her see the rest of the world that my fat side was too scared to experience, I’ll be happy- at least for a moment. Maybe after that my goal will never be to pass 150…then again when I was 180..I told a friend to just shoot me and end it all if I ever passed 200. Well….here I am. Still alive-and I’m trying to find me again.

My words have taken me away to old memories that I have kept in my file cabinet of a brain. I thank you for bringing those out again! I do look forward to talk with you again!  I am going to copy and paste this in to my blog!

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  • Saathi: Sure im writing lil bit too late....actually, u may be fine by now, but still i wanted to say something about the things u'd written here. First of al
  • shellydeflores: Oh and weight has hit a new low. 252.6. Although today is Thanksgiving so we'll see how long that laster.
  • shellydeflores: Oh and FYI-i'm on my period so I am not daring to weigh. EFFF that. I don't need the heart ache right now.