Archive for June, 2010

Wedding Date Set!

So my good friend Kendra has finally set her wedding date…….April 30th. The deposit was put down on the location so I know this is for real. That gives me exactly 10 months to the day!  So I could possibly lose 10 lbs a month-100 lbs over all! That would put me in a 175-so back in to my 15’s hopefully! 175 would be the same weight I was in my outfit that I ranted on in my previous post! Omgosh!  I have to share this with Breanna. Breanna is my new weight loss buddy. We are pretty long distant but she’s been the most important person to me these last couple weeks. I don’t know what I would have done without her. Thanks to 3FC for introducing us!

I was hoping the wedding would be later but whatever…it is hot in Arizona. Too much later and we would be cooking outside!

Okay, 10 lbs a month I think is going to be dificult for me. I haven’t had a weight loss in two weeks. I think it was that stupid advice from my doctor. 1000 calories a day! Pish Posh!  I am moving back up to 1500 calories since that is where I saw my previous weight loss before. I need to cut down the carbs significantly to help with my PCOS.

Tametcia from work and I start our new Smash Diet next week after 4th of July. We have to detox for 9 days. I’m not extremely excited about this but she pretty much assumed I would go along…and why not. I read it over and it seems realistic. No crazy ideas, just good wholesome foods, starting out low and working your way up-slowly adding in carbs and meats. The detox is suppose to rid you of about 9 lbs…I pray to God it doesn’t come back on! 9 lbs would really boost my weight number. Good lord, I hope I am not being stupid with this.  I think I’ll do a little bit more research on it before I officially start. If I need to back out, I’ll just have to stand up to her. It’s my body, right?

 

Exactly 10 months from today until the wedding. Can I do it. 100 lbs in 10 months?  How long do you think my hair would be if I didn’t cut it??  OMG I can just see me up there in that little mint green/pistachio/pea green dress now..lookin all hot in my sexy dress, long blonde hair and ruby red lips! Woohoo!

A picture says a thousand words…

I finally put together all of my weight loss goals for the next 9 months. Jeez, now that I say it, 9 months sounds like a very short period of time considering the amount of weight I want to lose-more than 130 lbs! From 287 down to 150. Well I guess thats not fair. If I count it as my current weight (275) then I’m facing 125 lbs in 9 months. That is almost 14 lbs a month. Oh man…maybe I should re-evaluate my goals here. Thats a lot!

Anywho, I was reading a post earlier about a woman who was asking if anyone else had noticed a change in their figures since losing weight. Many of the women who responded had said they were different than they were before they gained the weight, or they didn’t see a change yet, or that they went right back to what they were before. I thought about this and was tying to think what figure I was before I had gained all of this weight. For the life of me I can’t figure out what I was before. I’ve always been overweight even when I had evened out after my growth spurt as a teen. My mother had made a comment to me when I was 13 or 14 about my shape and had said I was an apple. At the time I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know there was more than one fruit shape! I’ve always had stomach fat so of course I guess I was round. I still tried to wear low rise jeans in the hope it would give me somewhat of a figure. I just don’t think I have ever had a figure. I’ve always been too overweight to see what my shape really is. My butt took after my mother, who for a little white woman might as well be named Beyonce. That butt began to sink in though as my hips outgrew them enough to create that awesome spare tire all the way around. I’m a little concerned with how I will look after I lose all of this weight. I won’t have anything to compare it to because I really don’t know if I was an hour glass, pear, figure 8 or what. I know I’ll be happy to be thin but I am definitely afraid that I will be a shape that I’m not necessarily happy with. I think that I would like to be an hour glass as I think that is the most attractive shape on women. My chest has grown with my weight so I’m not sure how it will look afterwards. I wasn’t able to see what my body looked like at peak growth so I’m not sure if I am meant to have a large chest, a skinny waist or even wide hips. My mother had a small chest and large butt but my father’s mother was always apple as far as I can remember (she was overweight the majority of her life also). I hope that I do have curves and not that straight line body like some girls have. I don’t think that is attractive but when I lie in bed (I’m a nude sleeper) and I run one hand from the side of my hip all the way up my waist and to under my arms, I feel a curve. I feel my hand dip in at my waist and I feel it go back up when I get to my rib cage and underarm. That has to mean curves right? Mean curves!?

I have a picture of me on my cell phone that only exists due to being saved on one of those tiny picture chips that I have moved from one phone to the next. It is a picture I took of myself when I was 18 I believe. I was in my favorite jeans and favorite long sleeved black shirt. I had long blonde hair that was a little desheveled..it was New Year’s eve morning.  I also had on my favorite black leather belt. I was laying on my side staring at myself in my closet doors (which were mirrors) and thinking how great my curves looked. It’s funny how everything flattens out perfectly to a great sillhouette when you are on your side! I took a picture of the same area that I talked about earlier- the side of my body from hip to arm-and it was flat. Granted everything had moved south and was flattening it out against gravity but my hip bone was popping out. I don’t feel my hip bone anymore when I lay like that. My skin was clear…no visible stretchmarks or red lines from my pants being too tight. Just clear milky skin, a hip bone and the gap it all showed through betwen my tight jeans with my beautiful black belt and my favorite black top (which I wore so much that it had holes in it-and I still wore it). It was such a flattering outfit! I miss it soo much. I still have the belt-which has changed shape due to me wearing it so much. I want to get back that outfit! I would give anything to be that girl in that picture. My hair was a serious mess but it was still long and curly from the night before, my makeup was still on but in that sexy day after way…it was just a hot look.

When I look back on these pictures I look at me in them as a totally different person-like I’m looking at someone’s hot friend. I was so cute! I was insecure then and always trying to pull off a look that I never thought I would pull off. Now that I look back and I see these pictures, I see that I did pull that look off. Why couldn’t I see it then? I held myself back thinking I didn’t look as cute as I really was. Now I know I look frumpy and would kill to get back to that one picture of me on New Year’s eve morning. That picture says a thousand words to me every time I see it.

Beauty, confidence, natural, sexy, pretty, silky, sillohouesque, stylish! (Just to name a few)

 I want it all back and the thought of these next 9 months is so daunting. I have this voice in the back of my head telling me I won’t complete my goals and I won’t get to where I want because I never stick to anything.  I’ll never get back in those jeans or that belt or that shirt because my lazy ass got myself to 280 lbs, 100 lbs heavier than when that picture was taken!!

I don’t know how to make that voice shut up but oh how I would like it to.

New Journey Friend Brought Up Memories…

A response I did earlier tonight to a new friend of mine in our journey. I thought I’d post it since it brought up so many memories that I haven’t even thought of in a very long time!

Hi *****,

I definitely welcome new friends of the weight-loss journey. I don’t know if I had so much of a binge addiction but I definitely had a problem. I don’t think I could finish a whole pizza but I have a good bet that I could give it a shot! Eating has definitely been something that has filled voids and boredom. I easily would put away a cheeseburger, fries, 10 pc nugget, and a large soda….although I would feel quite sick afterwards. Maybe that does sound like a binge problem! Sometimes I just couldn’t stop. I still fight the urge to go in the kitchen and eat something. I always have to ask myself…why do I want it? Am I hungry or am I just craving it? Am I going to be happy after I eat it. Sometimes I still do it…I can’t explain why..I just do. And afterward I hate myself. It’s very frustrating. I’ve actually had to resort to filling my house with all health food, and no temptations. This way if I do binge, it will be forced on fruit or God help me–celery. It sucks and I want to cry because I can’t eat what my friends can.

I hate when people say, yes you can eat it..just in moderation!  Well there is no moderation with me and tacos or beef or bread! I just keep eating until it’s gone, or a I can’t breathe. The hard truth is—I just can’t eat it. There is no such thing as a cheat day-it’s just me messing up. I try not to beat myself up over it anymore because I can start over again the next day but sometimes it’s like that next day can’t come fast enough. I want results now. Thats not realistic so I force myself to wait or find something to take my mind off of it.

I’ve run away with my thoughts again…haha sorry!
In middle school I was teetering back and forth between 150-160. High school got me up to about 170..somehow squeezed my ass in a 13 though. That was un heard of. Once I got a car..I was the same way…much easier access to food and became much more lazy-plus it was easy to be able to buy all the food I wanted, eat in the car and hide the evidence. Before that I walked in the Arizona summer sun to and fro work..about a mile each way. When I was with my last boyfriend..I think I finally hit 190 and I outweighed him. I secretly could get over it in my head so I think I took it out on him. After I broke up with him- I ballooned. I worked in a mall so I ate in the food court daily. My down fall was cinnabon! I decided to leave retail and get a desk job. Huge mistake! Sadly, it caught up with me and it all came on very quickly. I haven’t been with anyone since…a friend of a friend here and there…some flirting..but no relationships. I think I keep myself from relationships because I feel I’m not good enough. Skinny girls have boyfriends. Not fat bitches who can’t even control what we stuff in our mouthes!

In junior high I developed a terrible habit of eating less than 500 calories a day. That then developed into throwing up after binges. I learned how to turn many different objects in the bathroom in to a throwing up enforcer! It was horrible. I felt guilty as all hell when I quit doing it..but I knew I couldn’t hack it-oh yea and it’s bad for you.

My ultimate dream number would be to be down to a 130. For our height, we should really be between 140-160 so you are definitely aiming for the right area. When I was moving from elementary school to jr high, my mother would take me to weight watchers. She hasn’t ever had a weight problem. At the time I was at 150…as a 12 year old….I was also very athletic and about 5′2″. When puberty hit I shot up about 6 inches and everything evened out…so weight loss went in the back of my mind! Guys paid attention to me…I definitely didn’t look my age.

I kind of have accepted that I will probably always be a little chubby in life but if I can get to see the 130 lb girl underneath all of this and let her see the rest of the world that my fat side was too scared to experience, I’ll be happy- at least for a moment. Maybe after that my goal will never be to pass 150…then again when I was 180..I told a friend to just shoot me and end it all if I ever passed 200. Well….here I am. Still alive-and I’m trying to find me again.

My words have taken me away to old memories that I have kept in my file cabinet of a brain. I thank you for bringing those out again! I do look forward to talk with you again!  I am going to copy and paste this in to my blog!

2 Day Fast Formula Aftermath

So as of Monday Morning I weighed 274.2 which would be a four pound weight loss. I wasn’t hungry really when I woke up and I was feeling good. Waking up after about 7-8 hours of sleep was a little dificult and I think a weekend of little food had something to do with that. I was really tired all of yesterday and zoned out more than a few times at work. I couldn’t wait to get home and go to sleep. Even throughout my homework last night I thought I was going to pass out. I think I finally was able to go to sleep at 10PM but I didn’t think I could wait to walk up the stairs and wash my face and get in to bed. I went straight for the couch, didn’t even turn the TV off. Just passed out cold. This morning was easy to wake up to thank fully although when I weighed myself I was 276. I hope that isn’t me gaining water weight back otherwise I will be very upset. I think my dinner last night had something to do with it. My weakness…pasta. Why I decided the day after a fast was the perfect day to make pasta…I don’t know. It had quite a bit of salt and meat in it which would completely justify a two pound gain…accept that I didn’t eat as much as I normally do. I filled up quickly…although I pushed the limits as I thought I was going to throw up after I was done (from being so full of course). I didn’t even pack up the rest of it last night…too tired! HAHA thats like a first for me. I’m thinking I will just throw it away. I never should have gone down the pasta aisle anyway and I need to give away what is left in the cupboard to a friend or something.

 

Well I must be going. I think I am going to keep it light all day today and drink a lot of water so I can really see if it was water weight or just me being a fatty bitch!

Day 2 on Fast Formula

I am doing well so far. I am hungry here and there and I am able to subdue the cravings with a couple prunes or a tiny bag of baked chips. I know I’m not suppose to be eating anything else other than vegetable juice or small pieces of fruit but thats unrealistic to me. I weighed myself this morning too, which I probably shouldn’t do until I’m completely done with the fast but I was down 2 lbs, which is exciting. I’m hoping it stays off.

Sad moment: Last night I stayed up really late and was watching “The Holiday” (really cute movie by the way) and I made a bag of popcorn. I couldn’t stand the hunger pain anymore. I ate the WHOLE bag. HAHA! I didn’t even feel one bit of guilt and I enjoyed that whole finger lickin bowl of delicious popcorn!

Alright, break down of the day:

Breakfast:

Had my morning shake with some ice and slurrped it down. It’s not tasting as good as it did the first day. I think I am getting too use to it. The brownie flavor is becoming less obvious and the nutriet and vitamin taste is becoming much more obvious. Oh well only two more and I’ll be done!

Lunch:

I was really hungry while I was waiting for the shake to blend-so I grabbed a small bag of baked doritos. It’s about 90 calories so not too much but I still feel kinda upset with myself. I keep thinking that tomorrow morning I’ll have only lost 2 lbs this entire tme because I keep eating other stuff!  AH, I don’t know why I am eating other stuff! I didn’t pay 25 bucks to be able to start my diet fresh and rid myself of cravings just to completely ruin it by eating carbs! UGH. 

 

I have dinner plans and then another work out date tonight. This is my plan. At dinner I am going to still have my shake but also a small salad, light dressing on the side, nothing but vegetables and water. Then I’ll go to my work out and do 30 minutes of cardio and a 15 minute cycle of weights.

 

Tomorrow I will be 275, I just know it!

2 Day Fast Formula- Day 1 Conclude

Did pretty well today as far as keeping to my shakes. I did however sneak a piece of chicken and stuffing earlier. I couldn’t help it! I made it last night and was too full from my artichoke to finish it and it was soooo good.

Lunch: Shake 2 12:15 PM

Broke down and had my chicken that I mentioneed earlier but it wasn’t out of hunger, it was out of curiousity and poor will. HAHA! I was really hungry, I haven’t gotten hunger pangs at all today- even after I swam this morning for about a half hour. Still tastes good…thank God!

Dinner: 730PM

I don’t know if it was the swimming or the lack of food today but I crashed out for a couple hours. Felt a littly groggy after I woke up too. I drank down my shake with some ice. The lunch shake didn’t have as much ice therefore wasn’t very cold. Thank God I filled the ice trays after lunch!

I still really want regular food and I feel like I’m going to binge any second but I am in control for the moment. I feel fine.  I have been taking it pretty easy. I hope tomorrow doesn’t get too bad. I WANT FOOD! REAL FOOD! Chicken and rice please! God I can’t wait until Monday morning! I can have cereal again!

2 Day Fast Formula

Day1:Morning

I slept in this morning a littl e more than I wanted to but I wanted to put my shake as late as possible-putting it off I guess. I got the blender out, crushed some ice cubes up and through in the powder with 7 oz of water (It calls for 8 oz of water per serving but the ice cubes cause for the additional amount). I smelled the mixture and it smelled familiar-like a protein shake. It definitely smelled like a health shake! I poured shake into a glass and grabbed a straw-took my first sip. YUMMM! I couldn’t believe it. It still has the flavor of a health shake but is also has a brownie batter taste! So good. Even as we speak, I’m waiting for the ice to melt so I can suck up the rest!!  I’m off to go swimming.

Doctor’s Orders…?

Went to finally see my doctor…and what did he say? Drop my caloric intake to 1000 a day! I reminded him that he had told me the year before to do 1500 but because I wasn’t dropping weight fast enough to get out of my danger zone, aka obesity, he wants me to drop the amount. I asked whether this would be safe and he said that at this point, it is less damage to drop weight quickly and have your hunger resort to your existing fat and eat it away then to continue losing 1 lb every other week..which is not fast enough. He was getting up as I was still asking him questions and with one hand on the door handle I asked him in complete desperation what he thought about my 2 day fast shake I wanted to do (which I wasn’t originally going to tell him about) and he said to give it a try!  WHAT?! What doctor wants you to have 1000 calories a day and have a 2 day fast?  Oh well, he has been right about everything else regarding my messed up health history. Why not this too?

He did finally put me back on metformin again which I am happy about. It’ll hopefully boost my weight loss again! Good news!

 

Anyway-got my 2 day fast from carbs today so I am going to go read the instructions. This weekend I am planning to be down to 276!

Why am I so JEALOUS!!

So I can’t help but to sound like such a whining bitch about this but it’s true. The more posts I read and the more success stories I hear the more I want to just lash out and punch them in the face. The big giant green face of jealousy comes out and I want to break down and cry. Why can’t it be me? Why can’t I be losing weight so easily and why can’t I get up off of my ass and make it happen. What is keeping me from being happy, finding a new love and finding the perfect pair of jeans again?! I get anxious everytime I think about a new diet or I decide to start a new attitude and begin my diet over again. I get anxiety when people tell me I can do it and give me overwhelming support. I just can’t take it. It’s like the butterflies in my stomach are trying to come out and scream at me to do it! Look at your support-you can do this! The only think holding you back is you.

Someone had mentioned a quote that another member had left on a post somewhere and if I remember correctly, it went something like this:

“In a year, you’ll wish you had started today”

That quote touches me and I know that because I think now about the times in the past, years and years ago, that I told myself I was going to do something and had full intentions on doing so and then never did. Now here I am, sitting here pissed at myself for not doing it then because I sure am wishing I had. I am 22 years old! I should be out partying and shopping for cute clothes and wearing my heels everywhere I can. I miss my heels. Oh how I miss my beautiful shoes. They hurt my feet then but far less then they do now. My feet are so swollen now that I have dificulty finding flip flops that fit just right. Everytime I see a picture of me in a group photo at someones party or birthday or whatever, I just want to scream. Even now, I don’t feel big. I know I am but for some reason, my eyes only see me as the old 30 inch waist-that is until I look in the mirror. I want to be able to lose this weight finally so I can grow up, find the love of my life, have kids and having amazing SEX! Yes, I said SEX. I want to have sex again. Amazing, loving, passionate, and meaningful sex again.

I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself anymore and fishing for compliments from people whom I know are only giving them because they feel sorry. I hate to say it but I miss people being jealous of ME! I miss friends almost feeling bad about themselves because I am so confident in my hourglass curves and strutting my tight ass jeans around! I miss it! I MISS it. I know it’s my insecurity that misses it but none the less, I miss it so much it hurts. It hurts my chest when I try to run. It hurts my feet when I stand for too long. It hurts my back because my chest is too big and my bras don’t fit right. It hurts my knees when I try to jump. It hurts my stomach when I try to bend over without bending my knees. It hurts my thighs when I try to crouch and it hurts my neck to try to turn to look at something because my skin folds over like a taco. It hurts to have to cut in to the seams of shirt sleeve in order to get them to fit around my arms. It hurts to have to wear a long shirt so that no one notices my button on my pants isn’t in fact buttoned, nor is my fly up. It hurts to wear a clean pair a pants for an entire day before I plan on wearing them, just to stretch them out. It hurts to try to lift my knees to my chest again in order to ease my cramps. It hurts to run up all 13 of my steps and be out of breath. It hurts that I can feel the ground shaking when I walk from the bathroom to my desk at work. It hurts that I can hear the floor creak when I step on it. It hurts my fingers to type this quickly with all the things that hurt because it is endless. ENDLESS. Weight is horrible and it’s even more horrible that I let myself get here. That I succumed to food and given up on myself.

Well…no more. I am done with my family poking fun at me. I’m done with getting stares from people when I cant fit in to the go karts with my neice and I’m done having people snicker while I huff my ass from the parking lot to the doors of my work. I’m done!

I Want a Boyfriend!

I have many reasons for wanting to lose the weight that I have accumulated over the years but one major reason is that fact that I want a boyfriend again! I want to be held and kissed and stared at again. I miss walking through the mall and making guys heads turn. Now I go to the mall with my thinner and more beautiful friends and they are the ones who make heads spin off. I use to be able to walk in to a place by myself and get several smiles from beautiful -BEAUTIFUL- men. Now I am just in the way. The only people who tell me I look cute or pretty are the girls at work who only mention something if I did something to my hair or I bought a new top. What happened to me!! What did I let myself do! Why did I cut off my beautiful long blonde hair and die it brown. How did I let myself get so unhealthy and for Heaven’s sake, why did I pick up smoking!??

I miss getting butterflies when I meet a new guy and he’s actually looking at me, no one else but me. I miss being smiled at or being flirt with. I miss strong arms folding around me and making the rest of the world disappear. I miss strong lips that make my thighs go up in flames. I miss a strong back to press my hands in to. I miss being able to take my clothes off in front of a boyfriend and allow him to show me how beautiful he thinks I am.

Now I’m so unsure of my body that even if I lost all of my weight before I’m 25, I would be covered in stretch marks. I can’t hide those. I want a boyfriend again-one that is my bestfriend. One I can tell anything to and he’ll still love me at the end of the day. The only men I attract now are either 10+ years older or below my standards (which aren’t set high enough sometimes).

When I was in highschool I imagined myself dating the man I planned on marrying and making plans to have babies by now-not planning on getting off work to go to my empty house and cuddle with my chihuahua while I watch people fall in love on TV. I apologize for being so forward but I’m tired of getting myself off. I miss that the most out of men. Men have a way of making you feel like a woman.

 

Well the best thing I can do is keep continuing to get my body back, let me hair grow out and attempt to get my natural color back while keeping to my diet and exercise routines. Again, I’ve got four months to do 40 lbs and I was suppose to have started my p90x yesterday again-and I didn’t. BUT I am getting back on this wagon and I AM going to lose this weight and I WILL be a head turning knock out again.

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