Archive for April, 2010

First week weigh in

Drum roll………..nothing. Aboslutely no poundage loss. At least of this morning there wasn’t. I also hadn’t taken my morning garbage drop.  I ate breakfast shortly after I got up so I didn’t even want to bother to weigh again!

I helped a friend out today with her house. Pulled weeds and helped put paneling on her garage to turn it in to a bedroom. I was feeling good. Was sweating and getting a good workout. Then they ordered pizza! I told myself I wouldn’t eat any but it was like I couldn’t stop myself from reaching for them! I had 2 slices! I was drinking water though. Passed up Dr. Pepper too! I love Dr. Pepper!!

 

I’m scared to weight myself tonight or tomorrow! Gotta jump back on the band wagon though! My complex has a pool and I would love to go swimming but I am too scared to even walk the 50 feet from my door to the pool. I don’t want anyone to see me in my bathing suit…which is very old and I barely fit in to it when I was a size 13! Guess I’m wearin shorts with it!

So overall, I am not under 280 like I thought I would be but that doesn’t mean I’m stopping. I’m going to kill it this next week!

Ultimate Failure

Well I haven’t done my p90x since last Monday…absolute failure. I failed ultimately and I am very disappointed in myself. I would like to come up with a million excuses right now but I know that I have just been so lazy. I went out and bought push up stand bars, a new tension rope and new work out clothes and yet I still haven’t done anything. Now tonight I have to write an essay for class tomorrow.

I feel like such an amazing failure and to make matters worse, my good friend has finally picked out the dresses for the all of the bridesmaids. The wedding is April 2011 so I have a year to try to lose enough weight to actually look decent in these dress-which are ‘pistachio’ colored. She is giving us several options to choose from as long as no one wears the same style. So I picked out the spaghetti strap A line dress that is beaded on the chest and falls at the high waist. She wants sizes now so I told her 15. I have to get back in to a 15 in less than a year. I am a 22/24 now. I can’t possibly have a pooch either. This dress is absolutely not for those with a belly!

 

Oh geez, well I think this is a possible goal but I just need to get off my ass and do it. Do my work outs and put the food down! My goal is to still be below 280 by Saturday.

Offical Weigh-In

So I plugged in the batteries and did my first official weight in this morning-after I ate my egg white and whole wehat muffin. I was 284.00.  Four lbs more than my estimation. I just came back from visiting with a friend and doing homework-as well as having a sugar free cherry mocha latte and weighed again. I am now 282.4lbs.  I am going to with with that one. 

I haven’t weighed myself in months and last time I did I was around 278 or so. 4.5 pounds is not bad for months of not really dieting seriously. I’m not disappointed and I’m not happy. So as of today April 17th, 2010-Shelly weighs 282.4 lbs. I am shooting for a 2lb loss by next Saturday.

I created an excel websheet to track my first 10 weeks. Hopefully one day I can look back on this blog as a history book and anytime I see myself slipping I can look back upon this as my inspiration. As God is my witness, I will be below 280 by next Saturday.

The Weigh In-Drum Roll….

I finally found the right batteries for my scale and I am too scared to go upstairs and put them in.  I am afraid that my last weight (which was 278-280) is going to be almost 300 by now!  I’m terrified. I would really rather chew my toe off!

I will post when I weigh in.

I’m a slacker!

I have only done the P90X twice since Monday-and it’s Thursday!  Holy crap!  My arms aren’t really sore anymore but my legs were a little bit from having to do lunges on some of those exercise! I have class tonight and will be stuck here until 10PM. What am I gonna do tonight?  I guess I can try to stay up late and work out but then I won’t wake up early enough for work! Ugh, this is hard to time manage!!

I already miss being sore! I need to pick up the pace. Everyone on facebook is cheering me on and giving me verbal high fives. It feels good to have people support me but it almost hurts a little too. It’s like everyone knows that this fatty really should be losing weight. I should be-and it’s obvious so I don’t really know what I’m bitching about. I guess in my head I am still use to be that cute slightly chubby girl who everyone tells, “You don’t need to lose weight, you look good.” I miss that! 

I think I am having another one of my small break downs where I self pity and tell myself that I am stupid for letting it get this far!

Well class is about to begin so I will update again soon! 

I am sore!

So I was very upset this morning that I wasn’t sore. I really put a good effort in to it.

Well while I was driving to work I noticed my my chest and shoulders were a little tight. Later in the day they started getting a littler tight. And now I am a smidgen sore! I hope tomorrow they are more sore because I am going to kick butt tonight!

I am so happy that I am sore! No pain no gain! (Gain in a good way, haha) I am all smiles!

First day of P90X

So I finally did it. I really could not be more happy with myself. I was really not looking forward to it and even put a box of mac and cheese by the stove so that I could have something to cry my tears into afterwards. My favorite comforate food.

I only did half of the first video but considering I haven’t had a serious workout in years I did better than I thought. My shoulds are still a little shaky and the sweat on my forward is just cooling off. When I did my quarterly pathetic work out at the gym before, I always reached for a cigarette as soon as I got in the car. I smoked my last one on the way home from work today-and that was my second one of the day. I’m dying for a cigarette right now and I really want to go make that mac and cheese but I think I’ll settle for a cup of coffee and a bowl of cornflakes with banana slices. I am trying to change my life and I have to do it one step at a time.

 

I hope my strength will last til I get to work because history tells me I will stop at the local QT and pick up a pack of cigarettes without even thinking twice.

Anyway, my point is that I feel great right now. My lungs are heavy but in a good way and my forward is now stiff from dried sweat! I hope I am sore tomorrow. I love being sore!

 

I am starting to get tired but I wanted to log on and tell the world that I finally told myself to do the P90x and I did it! Even if it was just half of the first DVD.

A Picture Tells the Truth

Today was going just like any other day. Then my manager sent an email. The email that people like me dread! The email with pictures of some event we had that she decided to be photographer of! Picture after picture of me and my other 12 team members acting like complete morons at a theme park that was a part of our company team builder. There was a picture of me stuffed in to a kid sized race car next to all my teammates who easily slid into theirs. My knees were to my ears, my neck had combined with my face and my gut looked like a spare tire. It was humiliating. Thats not all. There was another picture of me bending over putting my ball down during our mini golf game. My entire butt.  Thank god I had all black on otherwise you would actually see what the craters on the moon looked like! I click the arrow button, quickly scanning through the neverending slideshow of pictures and trying not to cry. I finally got to the motherload. There was a picture of all of us posing with our miniatue golf clubs. There I was, trying to minimize my wideness by sliding halfway behind the guy next to me and turning my head slightly to the left-in an attempt to make my face smaller. I still stuck out like a sore thumb. My legs look like toothpicks holding up a giant ball of silly putty. I was spilling out of my pants, left and right, front and back and even diagonaly!

This is what I have decided to do. I am going to stop being scared of my P90X and stop coming up with excuses to put it off. I don’t have weights yet, and I don’t have the yoga mat or yoga blocks or the chinup bar but damnit that is why they show you alternative methods to do those. Enough is enough and I am pissed off with myself that I am allowing myself to put this off even though I know I need to do it!

I’m doing it damnit!

Introduction…and a long story about me.

My name is Shelly and I have a weird, obsessive, and abusive relationship with Food.

I say this because I have battled my addiction to food for years. I have always been a bit of a chunk but over the last 4 years I have gained out of control. I allowed myself to gained over 100 lbs in four years. Is that a record? God I hope not. That would be incredibly humiliating to be the world record holder of the person to become obese in less than 4 years.

Anyway, enough of my banter. I am 22 years old and have experience weight issues dating back to 9 or 10. Back then it was okay to wear a Cardinals jersey and long blue shorts. It was okay to dress like a boy because boys weren’t looking at me as a chick. I was a tom boy. I have been chubby the majority of my life and have struggling internally trying not to hate myself for it. My mother was a wonderful cook so for a long time I blamed it on her cooking. In actuality it was my reaching for seconds or even thirds. It was my pigging out on crackers, cheese, tortillas and cereal after work and before my mom got home. How sad is that. I always stuffed my face in private when I knew no one was there to watch or judge me.

Anyway-back to my story. I was a chubby tom boy. During my freshman year (which in my town is still in jr high) summer, I shot up 5 inches, my boobs were round and high, and my hips jutted out. When I look back now, all I can think about it how hot I was. I, however, was insecure. I was always active. Captain of my jr high and highschool basketball teams, I was assistant coach after I graduate, I played for the soccer team and did track and field every Spring. I was still a chub.  Why you ask? I seem so healthy. Because Food is the vein of my existance yet I live for it.

I even purposely took on anorexia as a form os keeping my figure the way I wanted. There were days where I passed out from not enough water or because it was easier to pass out then actually eat something and have to burn it off later. I wasted a good amount of my youth counting calories and calculating how many calories I burned. If my friends and I all went out and food was involved I would mooch a fry or two off of my friends and say that I wasn’t hungry. If I spent the night at a friends house, I would sneak out to my car where there was almost always a hidden candy bar or a bag of chips and chow down until I was disgusted with myself. Thats pretty embarressing and sad. Even I can recognize that now.

I didn’t really have too many boyfriends. I think they saw that I was crazy insecure and really obsessed with being liked. That is probably why the only guys I attracted really were after me for a lil wam bam thank you ma’am and then they were gone. Gone to leave me sulking in my self-wallowing puddle.

I continued through highschool with my weight. I watched it go as low as 135lbs and then back up to 170, down ,20 up 10, down 9, up 4 and then of course the ever dreaded plateau. I worked in mall in several very popular clothing stores that gave me access to discounts so I was able to buy clothes to adjust to changing waist lines but it was exhausting. I became very good friends with other people in the mall and learned their security secrets. Because I didn’t make a lot, I stole. I stole a whole heck of a lot. I’m not proud of it and even at the time it was really about how much I could get away with. Kinda of reminds me of my anorexia phase. Off topic again…SORRY!

When I graduated highschool, I began coaching basketball and met my future fiance (he was a referee, not a student-just so your mind is at ease). I fell head over heels and he loved everything about me-including my insecure body issues. To me, he was the first guy who looked me in the eyes and actually spoke to me rather than at me. He was wrapped around my little pinky and would have done anything I asked. I had never had that before. At this point in time I was 5′7″ and around 175lbs. A few months after we started dating, I got pregnant….and then engaged. Not long after that I miscarried. I gained another 25 lbs. I always told my friends, while we people watched in the mall, that if I ever reached the 200lb mark to just shoot me and end it right then and there because I would have nothing to live for. Of course I was joking but after gaining 25 more lbs..I was staring at that reality right in the face. I was very depressed and very angry with everyone. I wanted to blame my mother and my fiance for everything wrong in my life. My mother didn’t know about the baby nor my engagement since we weren’t really speaking during that time of my life, but I still blamed her. I blamed everyone for my baby being taken away and body “reacting” by gaining weight. My fiance and I ended up breaking up. It was heart breaking and I thought he would be the last man to love me for me and that I’d never find anyone again that would look at me, not my fat. I still think that sometimes when I am in a self-pitying mood.

I continued to gain weight, going to the food courts on my lunch breaks and using up my mall discounts. Steak Escape, Subway, Cinnabon, Chik Fil A, Panda Express!  MMM, and here is where I realize who my true best friend was all along. Food. She’s there for me always, never turns her back. I can be mad at her for giving me more poundage and she won’t say a thing. She’s there to pick me up.

I eventually stopped looking at scales. I quit working at the mall and took up a job behind a desk sitting on my ass for 8 hours a day. I took up smoking. My health has deteriorated. Doctors found a mixture of things wrong with me including a cell issue that no one really knows how to cure. (I hate going to the doctors. Why? Because they weigh you. I always turned around so I don’t see the number but my doctor always calls me out. 254lbs I was.) I was placed on steroids to hopefully spark a reaction and properly diagnose me. No luck. Steroids-by the way-really don’t help with weight problems. I finally saw a picture of myself at a house party with some old roommates where we were standing in a line posing quite provocatively and I became sick to my stomach. I was huge. I looked pregnant. I had a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other and here I am looking pregnant. Some role model I looked like. This was a huge revolation for me. I finally saw myself as others have seen me. I knew I was a big girl but for some reason I always felt like I was still my old size. It never really hit me. Now all the little things that I never noticed came to light. I did not look good. I could not pull off the tight pants and tight chest revealing shirts anymore. I could not jut my hip out anymore because it blended in with my waist now. My chin was combining with my neck. My calves-oh my calves! I use to be a track star, I had beautiful calves. Now I can barely get my old knee high tube socks over them-and that was my signature look. My feet were swelling and I could see the fat pinching out the straps. My rings no longer fit, my bangles no longer went over my knuckles and my necklaces all of sudden were too short to not choke me. How did all of this happen.  All from looking at one picture, my mind was blown.

The next day I bought a scale. I was officially 287.00lbs. My smoking had developed into a habit so breathing while walking was getting noticeably dificult. Walking up stairs was pathetic. I tried to prove to myself that I was still somewhat in shape. All that working out and running in highschool had to have had long term affects. I drove to my old highschool track. Could not run a mile. Could not run one round around the track. I ran about 100 meters and stopped because I was gasping for air. My heart was racing and my knees were hurting. What did I do to myself?

Just so you know-readers-this is incredibly embarressing and has not been divulged to anyone before. This is the exposure of my dark side of the moon.

 

So here I am now. I moved in to a new place that has stairs-one of the major features I wanted-and a mailbox that is far away so that I am forced to walk. I bought the p90x after I bragged to my friends that I was still fit enough to do it with no issues. What an idiot move. I have had it for weeks now and I am too scared to do it.

I have a wedding to go to where I am a bridesmaid. It is in April 2011-in VEGAS of all places. I am not intending to be the sausage stuffed in a bronze dress next to the toothpick maid of honor and the other bride’s maids. So I need to get on this. I am hoping for motivation!!

I am guesstimating my current weight FYI. I have been putting off buying new batteries for my scale so that I don’t need to see my current weight. I need to though. I will post once I have.  I will also post a plan. Yea thats what I’ll do.

 

The Concept, “Just Say No”

The idea of just say no, as inspiring as it sounds, is to say no to everything you said yes to or allowed yourself to say yes to in the past. Anything that wasn’t good for you but yet you still allowed yourself to go through with it.  Notice how I said, ‘allowed yourself’ because in essence, that is what happened. You allowed yourself to say yes to that second helping of oh so delicious garlic butter and parmesan mashed potatoes and your second slice of raspbery cheesecake! Mmmm, my mouth is watering! 

If you are anything like me you just want to eat whatever is in front of you that smells or tastes good. You just want a nibble of that birthday cake, and then maybe a bite, and then maybe a spoonful, it’s really not that big of a bite. Oh well maybe just one more spoonful. Mmmm the twirling mess of chocolatey goodness in my mouth exploding with amazing morsels of hot lava yumminess with every bite down of my teeth! Ugh, it’s better than sex!! Before you know it, you’ve eaten an entire half of a cake and you never knew it’s name. My justification is that I ate it with a spoon, it couldn’t have been that much, it’s a spoon! How foolish am I?

I can’t count how many times I have seen something in front of me and told myself NO! I will not eat it, I will walk right past it without thinking twice about it! No! I will not allow my hand to reach for that donut. No! I will not allow myself to order two dishes because I couldn’t decide on which one I wanted more. It’s a bit sad-but that last one is recently true.

Have you ever been to that point where you told yourself you weren’t going to do it? You told yourself a million times, over and over again! I have. I’ve told myself that I will not stop by Chik Fil A on my way home from work and that I will go home and make myself a nice chicken and rice plate. I won’t go to Chik-Fil A! I won’t go to Chik Fil A! I won’t break down! I’ll hate myself later, I know I will! I won’t go to Chik Fil A!!!

About 20 minutes later I’m in front of the TV watching Scrubs eating #4 with a bottle of water. Like the bottle of water is suppose to justify my horrible decision. Sometimes I think maybe it’s an eating disorder. That I really can’t control myself and that I just have to have that amazing chicken sandwich covered with swiss cheese, bacon and lettuce on a toasted wheat bun with two pickles waiting to surpise me in the middle of it all! Is your mouth watering? If you have had this sandwich before, it should be. I hate to think that what I have is an eating disorder because I am a strong believer that you either allow yourself to do something or you don’t. Self control. Thats the key. Even now, as I look in to the air to come up with my next thought to type out my mind wandered to my box of White Cheddar Cheezits sitting in my cupboard calling my name and telling me it’s snack time! Food is a consistent thought in my head. What I want, what I “can’t” have, and what I absolutely won’t have. 

The concept of, “Just Say No” is a constant battle within me. It angers me that I went out and had that sandwich and didn’t have the strength to just say no. This happened last night-by the way. I can make it sound as easy and/or as dificult as possible but it really comes down to one thing standing in your way. You. As incredibly gay and cliched as that sounds.

 

If I can learn to say no to myself and not always feel the need to “allow” myself to say no then I think I might be able to get over this stupid obsession with having to prove something to myself. I will keep udating my struggles with this and I would love your ideas on this and shared struggles. I think sharing our daily conflicts with just saying no will help others to see they are not alone. I know that my vulnerability is already out there and I would like to know that I am not the only one.