Trying to not lose myself

I really have not kept up with this journal very much. I do believe it will be helpful in keeping me to my goals so the reasons to why I haven’t posted will really seem lame in comparison to the excuses I could come up with for not. I have been working quite a bit but my nights are no longer occupied by school so my excuses really can’t be justified. I’m struggling with finding my place in my own world right now. I am still feeling quite lonely and I hate thinking of myself as pathetic. I guess it’s time to write this shit out and see what I can’t bring out of myself…and hopefully not cry in the process.

I may have mentioned this but my best friends are all in relationships. One of them recently became married to which I was the maid of honor in her wedding. My best friend, that I have known for half of my life, is in a relationship–a rocky one, but a relationship none the less. My other best friend is in a new relationship that is a big step for her toward being happy and breaking down the walls that she has kept up for so long. These are the people I spend 90% of my time with outside of work and school. Now-I hardly ever see them. My phone stops ringing or lighting up from text messages, and my Facebook notifications have basically ceased as far as being tagged in funny memes or anti-men rants. Everyone around me is happy. On Christmas, my stepbrother (aka my dad’s ex-girlfriend’s, who is now his “roommate”) got engaged to his boyfriend of 6 months. A guy I work with, who is my age if not younger, became engaged over Christmas as well. My hairdresser, who happens to also be the roommate of my ex roommate, is now engaged to a man she has had an on and off again relationship with for 3 years. Every single girl I became close with in nursing school is either in a relationship or has recently become engaged. Even at Christmas dinner, as I sat alone and single amongst my family and their significant others I found myself wishing I wasn’t there or wishing I could finally bring home someone to meet them so that I was no longer the girl they wondered whether she’d ever find someone. I’d like to continue throwing this pity party for myself but I fear the repetitiveness of this may become rather boring.

I can’t stop obsessing over David. I have his FB feed blocked so that I can’t have pictures of him and his now girlfriend pop up on my homepage anymore but I still stalk his page just to see how much more miserable I can make myself. It works every time. He has recently begun liking my statuses again and even commented on a couple. I no longer like his comments nor respond to his witty ones. I can’t give him the satisfaction of a false sense of “don’t worry, you fucked me over but we’re still cool.” My stubborn heart.

I weighed Monday morning. A very sad 264.4 popped on the screen of that scale and it was like taking a bullet. I have gained 30 pounds back. I am now just 23 pounds down from my highest. I suppose this is something to still be thankful for but that isn’t a comforting thought when I think how lonely I am and how I now am back to wearing Spanx under everything I wear just so I can fit into them. Some clothing I can’t even fit into anymore. I see the weight in my face and most definitely in my stomach. It is back. I am back to being more uncomfortable in my own skin than I ever wanted to allow myself to be again. I find myself painting my face up and doing my hair more now just for the possibility of being noticed than I did before. It’s sad really.

I’ve added up the weeks left before I start up nursing school again and I have 32 weeks to drop 64 pounds (to meet a goal of 200 or less). Two pounds a week, huh? Looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me. Ha! The TV is on in the background as I write this and of course an exercise video infomercial would pop up on the screen. As I was searching through my closet of junk the other day looking for wrapping paper and little Christmas tags I found so many of those exercise videos and programs that I have spent hundreds of dollars on and never actually did. It makes me sick the amount of money and thought process I have put into my weight and vanity and yet here I am, thirty pounds gained and sitting here typing up my sorrows about it. Where did my motivation go?

Do you ever find yourself in such a self-pitying, and low self-esteem position in life that any man that even looks you in the eyes when you talk is instantly your new fixation? A new patient came in to the office today and as I was explaining his insurance benefits and treatment plans, he looked me in the eyes as I spoke. I knew there was no way that this gorgeous, successful 31 year old man with the body of a Greek god could possibly be into me but I shamelessly had the thought in my head that maybe, just maybe, he might be interested in me. So I smiled and bashfully used my flirtatious style humor to put a line out there hoping for a bite. He wasn’t taking the bait. Of course not, Shelly. You’re huge. Do you ever feel like you lose sight on just how big you are? Like maybe, just maybe, your eyes are so used to seeing the horrible sight in the mirror that you’ve trained yourself to view your body in a different way than the rest of the world? Like, maybe, you really aren’t that big? And then a picture taken with a few of your gorgeous, thin friends just zaps that thought away and pummels you to the ground with a shot of reality. Me too.

Its Friday night. I’m alone. Bitching about life with my Chihuahua sitting next to me licking his crotch. Oh how exciting my life is.

What’s wrong with me? Oh yea. I’m fat.

It has been so long since I have posted anything. I am dealing with a lot of fears right now about what I have done wrong and what is going right. I have finished my bachelors degree and I have begun another one—a more intense program. Nursing school. Enough said? For those who have ever been in nursing school, they will know what I mean. I have gained weight since my last post. I think the lowest I got down to was 234 and I was feeling pretty good. Why I screwed that up, I don’t know. I have a serious problem. The more time that passes and the more food I shamefully shove into my face the more I realize that problem. I should be able to control this, but I can’t. I need help.

Earlier this year Weight Watchers had a new year’s resolution special so I signed up. I did it for about 2 days and then stopped. It was a 3 months subscription and I bailed. I got a gym membership with my friend since she was getting married and we were supposed to be gym buddies. We did well for the first couple of weeks and for some reason in my head I thought it would be a joint effort. She didn’t really see it that way. I eventually waned off even though I wanted to go. My own brain gets in the way of what I know I want and should be doing. I want to find every excuse in the world, but I can’t. My friend’s wedding was this last Saturday. The pictures are just not coming through on Facebook and the photographer is supposed to send us some of the prints in a couple more weeks. I am realllllly not looking forward to it. I saw myself in 2 of the pictures so far and the dress just looks awful. The dress by itself is beautiful, but me in it just looks forrible. When we first bought the dress, I told myself I was going to lose 10-20 pounds by the wedding. Instead I gained 10-20 pounds. I haven’t weighed in a couple of months and I terrified to do it. I know I should because you can only improve upon what you know is there but I’m scared to see that high number. The last I weighed I was 258 and I wanted to cry. I had reached a 50 pound weight loss at my lowest and now I am steadily gaining it back. It’s like I’ve lost control and I can’t seem to get it together. I am lazy. Even when I see the two decisions in front of me….eat it or don’t eat it….I still choose to eat it. I somehow convince myself that it is a good decision to eat it. I justify when there really is no need for justification. Food isn’t going anywhere soon but I treat it like it’s all this one day special and whatever is in front of me needs to be eaten because I won’t have it ever again.

Eating Disorder. Thats what it has got to be. My psychiatric nursing class is all about eating disorders right now and I had to get up with a few classmates and present on the different kinds. As I was reading my book and some of the edited materials in our library I started to make a few connections. Maybe it sounds stupid to say because I should have made the connection before but I think what I have is an eating disorder. Now, this isn’t to say that I am putting the blame all on the disorder because so much of it is me. I can make the cognitive effort to not eat, make the right decision, and go exercise but I get so lazy. When it comes to me hiding the food, receipts, or lying about whether I’ve eaten something or not…there is a problem. I hide the food I eat. There are some days where I’ll leave for school early in the morning, which is across town, and I’ll stop at McDonalds for breakfast…or Dunkin’ Donuts..or Jack in the Box…or Wendy’s (all of them, at least 3-4 days a week) and I’ll hide the wrappers and bags under my passenger seat. I’ll go to class for 4 hours and then race home because it’s all of a sudden “lunch time.” In reality, I’m not hungry nor do I need to follow that up with another meal so soon. I’m not even done digesting the previous meal! BUT I still go home and start munching on everything. It’s like a lose control completely and I’m just blind to everything in front of me and my mouth. I start munching on tortilla chips and salsa (left over from my friend’s bachelorette party) and then a bowl of cereal and then a cup of coffee…but while that brews I’ll grab the Asian salad mix in the fridge and throw it all together (chicken, greens, crunchy Asian noodles, fat filled dressing, almond slivers, croutons) and then while I’m mixing that together I’m popping prunes into my mouth, then I mix my coffee together with sugary creamer, and I’ll crab a slice of bread or tortilla to turn my salad into a wrap. Within the time frame of maybe 5-10 minutes I’ve taken in somewhere between 1000-1500 calories. That escalated quickly!  I hate feeling full but I push myself and when I have extreme amounts of food like that and I don’t get full, I get scared…or dumb and then just eat more trying to convince myself that I  haven’t eaten enough if I’m not full. It’s scary. Very scary.

Guys:

Well I know in my previous posts, dating back a couple of years ago, I was talking about being lonely and not having any guys around, difficulty with being jealous over my skinny friends, and just not being able to grip reality. Still having difficult with all of those but it has become a different kind of reality now. At my thinnest I decided to do online dating. I thought, why not? Get back into the game and find someone out there in the millions of people in this state who wants to get to know you. Well….I did. A couple of them actually. This was earlier this year about February. I met up with one of them at a coffee shop really late into the evening. I shouldn’t have gone and I knew that it sounded like a bad idea at the time but he was so convincing. He said he just had to see me and he was going to lose his nerve if he didn’t see me right then. We had text for a week, seen photos of each other, and had been getting along. He was rather impulsive but he wanted to see me and he was really adamant about it. We met up and he was so awkward. Cute awkward but still awkward. He said he liked me and that he was afraid he was going to be cat phished…which at the time I didn’t know what they meant. He was very nervous but I couldn’t tell if it was an act. He was very attractive, had the body of a Greek God (not even kidding, 6 pack, big arms, sexy smile), and rode a Harley. Come on now. Are you serious? Well he knew what he had found in me….an insecure, needing affection fat girl. We ended up in the back seat of my car. A couple of days later I started getting calls and texts from some girl proclaiming to be his girlfriend. He denied it and even asked me to send her messages back, with rather harsh language, telling her to leave “us” alone. I didn’t go into this particular relationship thinking it was going to be anything anyway but this for sure cemented that idea. I told him that it was over because I wasn’t going to deal with this. He had been shady with a few other details of who he was, where he came from, and what he did. A week later he convinced me to let him come over to my place. I guess I was blinded by this man who I felt was way too attractive to ever be into someone like me–but he was. I guess I wanted to prove something. He came over, spent the night and then asked me if I was his girlfriend now. Things didn’t work out and the calls from his ex kept coming so I eventually had to block her. Things did not end well and it took weeks to get him out of my system. I started chatting up another guy a couple of weeks after Mark. He was very straight forward about what he wanted and we had an agreement. Nothing serious. That was exactly what it was. Two weeks of fun…then done. I’m fine with it. Why can’t more guys be this direct?

David

This is the heartbreaker of this year and I think the reason why I have been so down on myself. David is a friend of mine that I have known since high school. He had a thing for me then but I was with my ex, Juan, at the time. We were just friends and I even hooked him up with a girlfriend of mine back then–which ended badly about and he teased me relentlessly over it. Well I have thought of David many times over the years. I figured out that I had a thing for David toward the end of high school although I was insecure even then and I was almost 100 pounds lighter! I have never been the typical girl that David goes for. I’m not skinny, punk rock, or a bad girl in any sense. After highschool, him and I hung out a few times and went to hookah bars. It was always fun but then his friends got involved and it stopped from there. I didn’t have anything in common with his friends and we just didn’t mesh well. Things started to distance. He ended up getting into a relationship. A few times over the years we would send each other Facebook messages saying hello or talking about getting a drink or two. We never did. I never actually went through with it because I was ashamed to let him see me at this weight. He was the guy I always wanted so there was no way I could let him see me so hideous. He was on a pedestal in my eyes. This year I finally got over it and said Eff it, he’s in a relationship anyway and the last I heard he was engaged so I’ll just send him a message and we’ll go grab a drink. We went out to a local brewery and just started spilling what life has been like since highschool. He broke up with his girlfriend, who had cheated on him not only with his bestfriend a couple of years ago, but had gotten pregnant by someone else earlier this year. He was heart broken and single. I was happy, but also incredibly sad for him. David is a good man and didn’t deserve this. We kept in touch and met up a couple of more times in the Summer (we started talking again in May). I finally got the nerve to tell him that I had a thing for him and always have. I was planning to tell him the next time we met up but he bailed on me the day of. I was pretty disappointed but a couple of days later a friend of mine and I were sitting on my balcony smoking and drinking (yes, I have not quit yet) and talking about not wanting regrets. So I got my phone out and text him just what I was feeling. It was rather late in the evening but I figured he would be up. He has a bad case of insomnia. He responded…but the next morning…saying he felt the same way but didn’t want to say anything because he didn’t want to ruin a good friendship if it wasn’t mutual blah blah blah. He wanted to meet up to talk about it. We made plans for the weekend. When I pulled up to the bar I was overly nervous. I saw him pull up next to me and the butterflies just wouldn’t quit. I thought for sure I was going to throw up any second. He gave me a nice hug and we went inside. I brought up the text as soon as our drinks were delivered and he skated around it. I was a little thrown off but I figured maybe he was as nervous as I was. So we ordered food. I brought it up again….skated around it. I brought it up one more time as we moved our drinks to the outside tables…darted it with a grin and a shake of the head. The waitress had impeccable timing here and came in right then–made it easy to distract the conversation. We stayed for a little while longer laughing and joking about old times and then decided to take off. I brought it up one more time before I got into my car and after the goodbye hug.

Me: So we never did officially talk about what you wanted to meet up for

David: We didn’t? [laughs and shrugs shoulders while awkwardly holding his car door and looking at the ground]

Me: No….we didn’t.

I was fed up at this point so I just simply said, “you owe me” and got in my car. He was irritating me with being so passive. He told  me to text him when I got home so he knew I was safe. Yea yea…be a gentleman, you jackass. A couple of weeks later, after a text here and there, he asked if I wanted to get together again. I reluctantly said yes and we met up at a pool hall. The entire night I tried to be flirty, but not overwhelming. There was something going on in his head and I could sense his ambivalence from across the room. We had fun and he even flirtatiously whistled at me when I would bend over to take my turn and would stare at me with a grin on his face when my tipsy-ness became too much and I would sit down my chin resting on my palm. You know how this conversation goes, right? “What are you smiling at? “Haha, nothing.” Stares again with a grin on his face. “What!” “Hahahaha, nothing.” It went on like that for another round or two and I finally just gave up. Thankfully the place was closing so it was an easier exit out of that conversation. A weird thing happened though after we got through our first couple of beers. He brought up this girl we knew in highschool. I was friends with her on FB and he was blaming me for her sending him an add request just the day before. I said, “so? Why is that bad?” He said that he had told this girl that he thought she was pretty and that he liked her after her highschool boyfriend had broken up with her because he didn’t want her to feel like a loser. Nice guy, huh? I told him that was a bit of a dick move, which I still believe is but at the same time kinda sweet. In the back of my head though I kept thinking about why he would bring this up. It really did come up out of no where. Anyway, after the weird “what” “nothing” thing we ran through the rain outside and to our cars where he gave me a quick hug and slipped into his car and took off. I was left a little dumbfounded. All the times we got together, he only allowed me to give him money for the meal/drinks/games once. Even then he switched out my $20 for a bunch of ones and slipped them into places of my purse when I wasn’t looking. These were not cheap nights. These were at least $70-$80 nights. Never once did he make a move. After that night things just kinda disappeared. I would send him texts and he would give me one word answers. He text me a couple of weeks later saying he listed me as a reference on a job application to which I got a call for immediately afterward. I joke with him and said I told the person that he was a terrible man with a serious drug addiction (which of course I didn’t do) and he laughed. Again, it disappeared. I come to find on Facebook that he was being tagged by a few work friends, one in particular, on Facebook. I brushed it off thinking oh well, it’s Facebook and he said he was looking for new friends since most of his old ones were mutual between him and  his cheating ex. He stopped liking my statuses on Facebook, stopped commenting on them, and even stopped getting online all together. Then it happened. The tearing out of my heart. He was tagged in a picture, arms around this girl, dressed as a themed couple, at a Halloween party. Mind you, this was about 3 weeks after our last text. After that picture was posted he all of a sudden made a Facebook comeback. My statuses were being liked, he’s commenting on them, and sending me smiley face FB messages. I’m still upset over it and it has been almost a whole month. I lost to this girl. David and I had everything in common. We laughed about everything together. His father said he always liked me..ever since highschool when David took me to the Junior Homecoming. His family always liked and commented on my statuses. I had never even met most of them. It reminded me of Bill all over again. I lost out to another girl. A thinner girl. It’s how it always happens. The thinner girl wins out. If she were pretty I wouldn’t feel all that bad because I would just blame her for being prettier…but nope. She’s actually quite unattractive in my opinion. I don’t get it. I’m educated, I’m honest, I have my own place, my own car, no children, friends and family who love me, and a rockin’ rack. What’s wrong with me? Oh yea. I’m fat. No one wants the fat girl.

I’ll be 26 in a couple of months. I’ll be still in nursing school, single, fat, and trying to keep it together. My best friend just got married. My other best friend has a new boyfriend every week. My other best friend just finally admitted she has feelings for someone and is letting him take her out….after almost a year of denying she felt anything for him because he wasn’t her “ideal” guy. I’m happy for my friends. I really am. It just reminds me of how behind I feel. I’m single. I have no prospects and any new guy that comes around either just wants to get laid and be hush about it or says they don’t want anything serious or don’t feel the same (even though I see the signs that they do). No one wants to admit they like the fat girl or at least let anyone know they like the fat girl. Negative Nancy over here. I know. When you’ve been hit by the ball over and over again, you begin to thinks it’s on purpose.

I have finals next week but my intention is to get back online and post frequently. This is cathartic for me and while I hope I am not too negative for some, I hope that others can relate and nod their head in agreement to feeling this way at one point or another.

Goodbye for now dear internet friends.

New Guy!!!

SO I will copy and paste from my previous posting in my 280’s Ladies thread:

Edit: Kinda long post!!! Have some time of your hands for this one!

Ohhhhh ladies! I’m here!! I’m floating on cloud 9. The butterflies are just fluttering in my stomach every minute of every day for the last couple weeks. Those darn things won’t stop and I’m kinda hoping they never do. I’ll get to this in a minute. First I want to address the ladies!!

(…..)

Ok! I know you are all DYING to hear my lovesick rantings! His name is Bill. We have known of each other for about 3 years now but never had become very close. He is the brother of one of my best friend’s fiancée. We pretty much only saw each other at parties that my old roommates and I would throw, or of his and his brother’s. Apparently he has had a thing for me for a while but because of inopportune times (bf’s-gf’s), nothing came of it nor did I even know of his interest. Everything kind of sparked this New Year’s Eve and we’ve been talking (texting) ever since. He is a bit older than me, he will be 32 next month but he still acts like a kid–go figure. He has everything I want and we have a remarkable amount of things in common which surprised the crap out of me. Getting to know him on a new level has really tripped me out considering he has always been my friend’s boyfriend’s goofy brother. Anyway, went to his house last night and didn’t leave until 4….in the MORNING. No funny business though so no raised eyebrows!! We talked and looked at old pictures of ourselves-he even made me hot chocolate that was ready upon my arrival! He taught me how to swing a golf club. We played a couple rounds of beer pong and he talked me into a couple shots. I’m not much of a drinker so it was hitting me pretty hard, especially since I hadn’t really eaten all day–I’ll get to that in a minute. Needless to say, my legs were weak when I got there but by the end of the night, or morning I guess, I was steady enough to balance a grain of rice on a tooth pick. We had a few kissing sessions and we officially said the whole, “I like you, I like you too” banter. Enough cutesy stuff to make any of my single friends want to gag. He was a perfect gentleman. As of this morning, well by the time I got up it was afternoon, he had officially asked me out for next weekend. YAY!

Oh and to address you Phoenix on the dating thing, I am still very insecure of my body. Bill doesn’t seem to mind and he even had an interest in me at my heaviest but in the back of my mind I’m going, “Please God don’t let him feel my back rolls!!” during hugs. Bill is a fit guy and it is a little intimidating when I see his back muscles through his shirt while I’m sitting there trying to suck in my stomach roll. He was/is a MMA champ/kick boxing coach/gymaholic. When he showed me old pictures of himself in high school he was actually a bit thicker–kinda surprised me! My last serious boyfriend really kinda messed with my head about my weight when we were together. He poked me in the stomach once…ahem, during intimate times…and said, “You should stop eating my mom’s food.” Yea. Talk about a mood killer and a serious blow to my ego. Anyway I guess my point is that we are insecure about our bodies; we’re women. We probably always will be but a guy who can actually make you forget about a roll popping out or a double chin pic is one you want to have around. I tried to actually convince myself that he couldn’t possibly like me. I was even telling myself, “Maybe he doesn’t remember what I look like.” “Maybe he thinks he’s talking to another Shelly, not me.” This was my insecurity popping up again and it almost made me call off my night with him. Really glad I didn’t and that I actually took the leap to allow myself to be liked by someone.

Anyway, I wanted to go in to more detail on something I mentioned earlier about not eating all day. Since Bill and I have been talking I have lost about 7 pounds. The butterflies in my stomach have completely distracted me from paying attention to hunger pangs. I didn’t notice it until one day I got on the scale and it said 247. It had jumped from 253 to 248 in a matter of about 3 days…? I didn’t put two and two together until I looked in my fridge and all of my produce was bad and I thought, “WTH! I just bought these” when in reality it had been a week. I’m a little concerned with this. In high school I had begun to develop a bit of an anorexic attitude toward food so much so that I actually enjoyed the feeling of being hungry a little too much. I feel myself slowly noticing that joy again and it scares the crap out of me. Food is becoming a scary thought to me again. The last couple of weeks or so I have been averaging probably 600-800 calories a day. I hate to admit that and I even caught myself being a little depressed when on Friday I had actually hit 1200 calories. I was almost upset with myself. I know that this is a short phase because of recent distracting events (ie Bill) and I will get back on track but I’m almost too scared too. The scale is moving everyday it seems and I am dreading seeing it stall or go back up if I go back to eating normally. I didn’t bother to weigh today after playing beer pong so I’m sure I’m up! Even right now, my stomach is making this horrific growling sound but I don’t want to eat. I mean I do want to eat to make it go away but I don’t WANT to eat. I don’t really know how to describe that thought process but I’m hoping someone can relate or possibly share a similar thought on this. I guess this just goes to show you that the struggle and fight with food is not always about eating too much.

So far today we’ve still been texting back and forth from morning to night. He cracks me up. He has so many great traits and we have so much in common. We both love Mac and Cheese and somewhat the same religious values although he does not believe in God. I don’t know if I believe in the person God but I do believe in a higher entity whether it be family or someone who gave their soul for my existence. You know, I was almost nervous to go see him on Saturday because I wasn’t sure if it was the excitement of a guy that actually likes me or my attraction to him that kept me going, or driving I guess, over there. He lives kind of far. Thats a little unfortunate. He has a surprisingly young boyish charm about him if I can say that. I remember when him and his ex were together. My friends and I would tease him about their relationship since they didn’t have sex very often. I use to think it was because of his jealous rages or his moody moments where he would slam his bedroom door during a party. Now I realize his ex just really messed with his head. She was a bit of a floozy. Anyway, I was thinking while we were together how any women would not want to have sex with this man. He’s cocky, he’s cute, sexy, adorable and fit! I’m hoping I’m not his young rebound or background chick. I just hope he’s not going through all of this with me just to see what he can get out of a 22 year old. I don’t think thats what hes doing considering he hasn’t pushed me into anything I’m not comfortable with and he’s even asked me out on a first official date and is already talking about a second. He could still be talking to other girls too as I remember Mandy telling me he was currently talking to a couple girls. He seems to really like me. He does this sexy thing when he kisses me where he pushes my hair back with his hands and grabs my face to kiss me. So hot!!! I’m hoping this goes somewhere because I could really dig him!

Anyway, this weekend we will be going to the Wildlife Zoo in North Phoenix and he says if I’m good and behave myself around his handsome exterior that he’ll take me to the shooting range for our second date. LOL! He’s so hilarious. I’m just deliriously is lust right now! Oh I’m full of it.

Will update as time goes on.

Bridesmaid Dress Shopping. Kill. Me. Now. Please.

Good Lord. I copy and pasted the below part because I had written it elsewhere and I am too lazy to come up with new thoughts right now.

12/27/2010 10:59 AM. OK so today is the mark of a new day. I’ve decided that today is when I will force myself out of this funk. Bri and I have a new goal and that is to lose 15 lbs by the time my birthday comes around so in 6.5 weeks. That is a little over 2 lbs a week. I’m deciding to do this before the actual new year because I don’t see the point in waiting for a specific day where the date is different for me to be able to get a piece of myself back again. It seems a little cliched and all of the resolutions I have made in the past were not really that serious because it seemed so forced. Now this goal is that much more important to me because I’ve already started the process. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, I have some somewhat bad news. I went to my friends bridal shower yesterday and after all the gifts had been opened and the guests had left, just us bridesmaids were left….and a bottle of champagne. We started talking about the dresses and how much we spent, when we got them and then everyone’s eyes turned to me. I haven’t bought mine yet. Apparently the bridal shop needs ot have all dresses bought 4 months in advance and alterations need to be in 90 days before the wedding date. Did not know that. What am I suppose to do if I am planning to lose another 30-50 lbs by then?? One of the other bridesmaids is a seamstress but amateur so I’m concerned with putting a $150 dress in the hands of someone who makes renaissance dresses. I’m sure she would be fine but I don’t want to find myself in a pickle if I end up having to walk down the aisle in a dress that is basically is a garbage bag. I guess I’ll just have to figure it out. I definitely don’t want to put my weightloss on hold.

So the wedding is getting closer and closer and right now it is my major milestone. I’ve taken a look at the bridesmaid dress again and have decided tha tI need to work on my arms! LOL! I need to tone these puppies!!

So tonight I met the bridesmaids and their mothers (me by myself of course) at David’s Bridal. For some reason it didn’t occur to me that we would actually be trying on dresses. I thought maybe I was just going to watch them try n dresses, I’m not sure. Anyway, after about 20 dresses and close to 3 breakdowns later I found a dress. Are dress sizes normally bigger than pant sizes? I almost cried when I grabbed a 20 and couldn’t zip it all the way. The other girls picked theirs after only having tried on 3 other dresses!! I walk out of the non-mirrored dressing room to four sets of eyes staring at me. Two mothers, who are the sweetest as could be, were offering tips on different dress types that may make my hips look smaller or stomach look less noticeable although they didn’t use those particular reasons as to why the dresses didn’t look good. The bridesmaids are great friends of mine and there were just so sweet about everything and I thank GOD that I have friends like them. They oooh’d and awww’d at every dress saying things like, “Oh Michelle! Thats the one! Thats it!” when in reality we all knew it looked hideous. It is so stupid but I was incredibly ashamed that all of them knew my dress size. I went slowly from size 20, to a 22, to a 24 which fit too big but the 22 was too snug. It was so embarrassing. They would yell from one side of the dresses rack to the other, “What size?”, “24!”. Oh God, I was mortified that that number was even being said outside of someone else’s mouth in regard to me! All I wanted to do was shrivel up and cry in the corner of my non-mirrored dressing room. I kept telling myself to get my shit together. That this wedding wasn’t about me but about my amazing friend who is being gracious enough to actually let us pick our own damn dress! Every time I tried on a new dress I tried to stay positive but every time I opened that door to the hallway of a million mirrors and faced those eyes that all looked at me in an almost pitying sense, my confidence and self worth was sucked out of me. I knew my friends thought this was an embarrassing process for me and I hated that I put them in a position that made them feel the need to make me feel better about myself. It shouldn’t be their job to do that!

Well, if anything this experience has given me an even bigger sense of urgency to get my act together and reach at least one of the goals I had set for myself. Right now, Bre and I are setting to reach 12-15 pounds by my birthday–February 15. If I can work my ass of and tone this body into shape then every 6 weeks I can reach 12-15 pounds. So by the time the wedding comes around there really shouldn’t be a problem with me hitting 30 lbs. Which will still only put me at a 60-some loss. Definitely not my goal but you know the slower the better right? Then by the time my other friend (who is the best friend of my friend getting married in April) gets married, which is in October, then I can be possible down another 30-40. Maybe then I’ll be close to 100. So about a year and a half. I wish it could be sooner but if I rush it I just won’t appreciate my hard work as much.

Anyway, I’m sure I am some more information to catchup on but I am volunteering at St. Joseph’s tomorrow early morning! So I need to get my beauty sleep.

Goodnight ladies and gents of the weight loss paradigm!

Update: Off Plan

Oiy!  I am slowly slipping away from my plan and it’s really getting to me. I was hoping to be close to 50 lbs down by my birthday but I guess I’ll have to settle for a new decade by then. I am going back to South Beach. I got my appetite back by going back to calorie counting but at the cost of completely getting off track. Soooo my decision is to go back. I am slowly replacing my food in the house again. It was nice to have bread again but I need to get back on track. I was so close to the 240’s and now I am sure I am far behind. Well hopefully by my birthday I can get into the 230’s.

I am almost done with school March is coming up sooner every day, thank goodness. Then I can go into my Masters. Since I have switched my graduation date to July I may think about putting together a goal since my family will be here, hopefully. Lets see. Since my average weight loss is about 5 a month then 5 lbs a month starting January to July would be another 35 lbs lbs. Eh…Not even to the 200’s yet. I would like to be at maxx 200 by then. It’s hard to lose 10 lbs a month.  I guess if I work hard then I can reach a good size by the wedding too. If I can shoot for 10 lbs every 6 weeks then I can be down 30 by the wedding.

Well Ill have to make it through the holidays first. NEed to cut the carbs, sugar and keep my portions under control. Will check back in soon!

Lonely

I am feeling a bit lonely. My roommate is moving out. Did I say that I had a roommate? Well she was a good friend of mine that I met through school. She is a year younger and it shows. Then again I think I’m a 40 year old in a twenty-two year old’s body at times. She is bubbly, hyper, and rearin’ to go with any cute guy she sees. Oh, and she’s petite and gorgeous. Well, she originally moved in with me due to issues with her parents and wanting to get out of their house. She said she would never look back. Fast forward a few months and there she goes–back home. She says it is because of her dificulty with funding school being that some scheduling–and financial aid–issues arose. I think it’s mostly because she doesn’t like living with me. I can admit I can be a bit messy in my personal quarters (ie room, bathroom) and I have a dog and cat who seem to want to piss wherever they want. I clean up after myself and them pretty well and I like to keep a clean common area. In the beginning we were close, we hung out on Saturdays, made breakfasts together, cleaned up the kitchen together and would go out with friends almost every other night. Now I never see her, she doesn’t come home and I feel like she just hates spending time with me anymore. It has really just gotten to the point where we are really no longer friends but just roommates. She is supposedly moving out this weekend but who knows. I haven’t seen her in a couple of days. I see her posts on facebook and videos of her and her bestfriend, with whom we ALL use to hang out together. Even tonight there was one of them all together dancing at someone’s house. It hurts. All of my friends are all either with their boyfriends or husbands or out having fun and forgetting about me. It’s like I have broken all of my good friendships in one way or another. I don’t know why. I don’t think I do anything to offend them or make them feel like I don’t want to spend time with them. In fact I reach out to them fairly often–or at least as much as someone who works and goes to school full time.

Tonight as I was leaving my dad’s house and driving home I had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I knew Melissa wouldn’t be home and that I would be going home to an empty house with nothing to do and nothing to look forward to tomorrow. On the drive home I played different scenarios in my head of what I wanted to go home to. I imagined me walking in the house to a gorgeous boyfriend who is head over heels for me watching football highlights on the couch. I imagined laying on the couch and resting my head in his lap. I imagined silently leading him up the stairs to our bedroom with a sly grin on my face. I imagined being held in his warm arms. I imagined being overwhelmed with comfort and love. Now here I am, watching Star Trek on TV with a chihuahua shivering next to me trying to get warm and a cat hacking up yet another fur ball. All I want is to be wanted and I know I am and this is probably just a vulnerable moment of weakness but I just need to be told right now.

You know sometimes I just can’t believe that I have been single for so long. I mean I’m not hideous, maybe not the most gorgeous person in the world, but definitely not ugly. Maybe it is my personality. I seem to get along really well with guys but maybe it is that I can be too comfortable with them and slip into the friend zone. I don’t go out often enough. That is probably the problem. I don’t dress myself up anymore to attract anyone; although, recently I have been putting more effort in to being presentable. I still don’t see a turn around in guys though. I need the comfort of a man. I need to feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach again. i feel like I am drying out on the inside. Like my heart is freezing over and I’ll forever be alone with my animals. I see women everywhere who are, in my opinion, much less attractive than me in both looks and body, that are in extremely happy relationships-or so they seem. Why can’t that be me? Why don’t men find me desirable? It has gotten so bad that I am actually trying to facebook-stalk my ex from 4 years ago! I was even trying to call his old number which I had memorized. It was disconnected. I’m almost 23 and I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t have anyone to kiss at new years. I won’t have a valentine. I won’t have a birthday date. I just hate to think about what I could be if I had just kept my weight under control a long time ago. My weight has to be the reason why I am just not desired. I have allowed it to take over my life and turn everything into something negative. I let it hold me back from going out with friends or allowing myself to let go. I hate that.

God I feel so vulnerable right now and the fact that I am writing all of this out for anyone else out on the internet to read really scares me. Oh internet universe–please be kind.

Accepting Failure and Allowing Myself to Be Happy

I realize that it isn’t always the easiest to accept my failures. This becomes abundantly clear the more and more I set this outlandish goals and then not reach them. I don’t think I do this purposely of course–that is set a high weight loss goal and then not reach it–but sometimes I wonder why I haven’t just listened to myself and realized what all is going on in my crazy, jumbled brain. I think I got so excited about finally taking my weight loss serious that I jumped right into it and while I haven’t burnt out yet I feel like I am becoming a little bit more realistic to the fact that I probably won’t be down 100 lbs in a year. While that would be amazing to accomplish, I just won’t do it. I know this. I’ve accepted it, as upsetting as it is. My next biggest goal was to be down 50 by the end of this year and in less my school load lightens up and I somehow muster enough energy to go to the gym everyday while maintaining a complete chicken, egg, and vegetable diet it just won’t happen. I guess I am still not keen on this failure yet but maybe just a step toward seeing the more positive side of it.

I’ve come across horrible news. One of my major milestones that I have set was to be down 100 pounds by my friends wedding to which I am a bridesmaid in. Well, lets be a bit more realistic here–that probably won’t happen. Anyway, the wedding date had finally been set a couple months ago for April 30th, 2011. Here’s the bad news–I found out in class last week that my graduation day has finally been set as well–to April 30, 2011. How fucked up is this? I told my friend about it and she understands if I wouldn’t be able to make it to her wedding seeing as how both events are pretty major in our lives. I haven’t responded back to her but I’m thinking I can make this work. My commencement is at 10AM in the morning and the wedding ceremony is at 4:35PM. With a bit of hussle, I can make this happen. My only problem now is if I have family in town. What am I suppose to tell them? Oh sorry, I have to go now to be in a wedding so thanks for coming, see you next time??  Oh geez. I want to be there for my friends, I mean this is a HUGE day for them and I love them both so much I don’t want to miss it. Then again, this is a HUGE milestone in my life as well. Your graduation day is suppose to be all about you, ya know? But then I hate to think about how selfish that sounds. I’m still not sure about what to do.

So Bre and I have decided to do South Beach hardcore until Thanksgiving. I really need to kickstart my weight loss. I would like to be down to at least 245 by the end of the year if I can’t make it to 50 (237). Then, hopefully, by the wedding/graduation day I can be around 200…possible break into onderland. That would be nice. I would like to be attractive enough by then too to have a boyfriend that I can kiss after I get my degree and dance with at the wedding!!  UGHHH. On that note, I have decided to get over my women’s movement of no makeup, who cares what men think, all girls not like me are ditzy phase and suck it up. I don’t feel pretty anymore and, yes, a huge part of that is my weight, but it’s also my attitude. Of course no guy wants a girl who, first of all is gigantic, but second of all doesn’t at least see herself as attractive. So my plan is to starting doing my hair more, wearing jewelry, putting more makeup on to bring out my prettiness. I know it is deep in there somewhere I just need to bring it out more. I’ve also decided to hang with the girls more- to get out more and allow myself to flirt again. I’ve had enough of this dry spell of boys and I’m ready to be able to find a new man who can be my bestfriend again and not let my past experience dictate my love life anymore. If I want others to see my as beautiful, I need to first see myself. Corny–I know, but I kind like it.

EFF U DOC

Damnit it all it to hell! I’m sick. FML. I hate hate hate hate hate hate being sick! I just absolutely hate it. I hate the scratchy throat, the coughing, the aches, the not being able to do anything! Ugh I just hate it all.

Lets see how being sick has affected my weight. Monday the 8th I was 257.2. Tuesday 256.6, Wednesday 250.0 and then I EFFED it all up when I got sick. In the past I have had this remedy of having a JambaJuice Cold Buster every morning until the cold goes away. Well this one particular morning it didn’t stop at a Cold buster. Oh no. I had Chik-Fil-A for lunch and potato salad for dinner. Talk about three major food groups I can’t have!! Sugar, carbs, and fat. Ugh! Needless to say I weighed in Thursday morning at 257.4 which was a serious let down considering I was SOOO close to 255!! Well here’s the weird part. This morning I weighed in and was at 270 on the nose which was great because it was a half pound down. I was hoping for more but what are ya gonna do. When you EFF up you gotta start somewhere. So I fell asleep and here’s whats weird…I woke up and felt this CRAZZZY urge to pee. An urge I haven’t felt in a very long time. So I shuffled my sick ass to the bathroom and took the longest piss in history. I should have timed it. Seriously. Anyway, I thought AHH I’ll weigh again. What did the scale say???  255.0!!!!  I don’t know if that was the forever piss, the nap or a serious mix up on the scale but I weighed about 10 times to double check. I thought it must be my eyes. The scale would go up about 4 oz. and then back down but sure enough  it said 255 on the nose more often than not. I’m hoping it still says that tomorrow! How weird??  Oh well, I’m going to try not to question it too much because a lb lost is a lb lost.

I did go see my doctor yesterday for my illness and while we sat there going over the usual illness questions I waited for him to mention my weight. Even the nurse who weighed me said, oh 20 lbs since you last saw us! She was all excited and here is my gorgeous light skinned asshole of a Mediterranean doctor absolutely overlooking it. This is the man who told me if I didn’t lose, I would die. So I said, “Yo! Doc. You are really going to sit there and not say anything about my weight loss?? in my cute/joking way and my cheesy grin. He looks straight and my stomach and stares for a few seconds. I said, “No doc you can’t look at me and tell if you have to look at the number!” SO he flips through my chart all the way back to a year and 9 months ago and says, “Well it looks like you were at 273 then, 6 months later 278, 6 months later 276, the next visit 281 and now you are at 260.”  The scale at home obviously doesn’t match my doctor’s but according to my docs scale my highest was 287. He looks up at me after all this as I stare down at him with a “hey be proud of me grin.” He says, “So overall you’ve lost only about 13 lbs in close to a year. I could have killed him! I mean I REALLY could…I mean hello…ONLY!  Only this foot up your ass doc! I was so taken aback. He’s always on me to lose weight and when I finally do he says to me, “I really was expecting a more drastic weight loss by now.” Great. Everything from his first instinct to look at my stomach to scolding me for not losing more just put me over the edge. I said, ” OK doc, are we done? You’ve pissed me off and we’re done. Give me my prescription.” I walked out saying, “Just you see Dr. Al (my nickname for him), in 6 more months you’ll see me!” I probably overreacted but I’m sick of his condescending attitude.

Well I need to get to my homework. Guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to see if my 255 was a fluke.

Mother-Maintaining-Quitting

So I am currently in the middle of my mother’s visit. She is with some old highschool friends from the reunion right now having breakfast. I feel like I am letting my weight slip out from underneath me for this mini staycation. I went out to dinner with a friend last night pretty late and the only place open was, of course, Olive Garden. My weakness. I said screw it and went. Ate half my plate, 2 breadsticks and a large bowl of salad. Not too bad but I did leave feeling disgusting. I guess my goal right now is to stay under 260 this entire vacation. I was up to 259 the other day when I weighed. Ughhhh! 

A nice surprise though. My mom had put together these little thumb drives jam packed with pictures of my family all the way back to the 1800’s. Well the pictures of the last time I saw myself were in one of the albums. I had completely forgotten that I saw her at my previous weight-287!. I completely forgot!!!  My mom hadn’t commented on my weight or so much as looked at it until that picture popped up on my laptop screen of my brother and I in Florida when my hair was still black and my gut was hanging over my pants. I think I was wearing too small of pants then anyway but she had said that I actually looked smaller now then I did then. Then she said something that I really needed to hear. ” As long as you are healthy and happy, thats all I care about.”  Oh God, I really needed to hear that.

Anyway, I am too scared to weigh myself after last night’s dinner. I should just to get a good look at everything and put myself in perspective. I need to keep going. Seeing my mom has really helped me just keep on track. I’m not as stressed anymore so it makes me want to keep on goal that much more. I want to be able to go see her after my graduation in May and surprise her for Mother’s day–and be thin!!!  Oh God I just can’t wait. I want to go out there and see her smile spread from ear to ear. Plus I’d like to shove it in her husbands face that I can be thin!

I have decided to quit smoking. My mother absolutely despises it and it kills me that something that I know would break her heart is being hidden from her. I don’t want to see myself deteriorate like her mother who died from lung cancer. I just can’t do that to myself. I’m already getting my body back into shape, it doesn’t make sense that I poison myself along the way too. I use to say that I would concentrate on losing over 100 lbs first and then concentrate on quitting….but I can’t. I really can’t. I feel like I’m lying to my mother and I just can’t do it anymore. This is my attempt. I am going to be one grumpy bitch for the next few weeks!!

Finally the 250’s!!

So it has been a while since I have posted. My bad. I finally broke into the 250’s. ‘Bout damn time! I bounced back and forth between 259 and 260 for a couple weeks too. I think I have finally found what got me out of my stall. Sticking to South Beach has really made my weight loss easier. Not EASY but EASIER. I got a new low yesterday at 256.6. Which was fantastic. I was happy but not ecstatic. I’m just glad to be closer to 250, thus closer to 250, thus closer to 200 than 300. I’m happy. I messed up last night and had wine and a little bit of pasta which is why today I’m at 257.4 but I know I’ll get it back down. My weight loss partner is struggling and it kills me to see her struggle with it. I just want to be there to tell her what to eat and when to exercise but I know I can’t and each of our weight loss struggles is our own and no one can tell you what to do. I just feel for her, I know her situation and how how it is to watch the scale go down, and then right back up, and up, and up. It’s stressful. I’ve found that the gym has gotten a little easier to commit to. Granted I only went twice last week but the times I went really helped. I’m feeling more positive rather than self loathing. I don’t see much difference in my clothes or my body yet but others can…when I ask them-of course, haha. No boy potential yet. I must really not be attractive overweight. Some times I see myself as somewhat pretty when I look in the mirror in the morning after doing my hair and makeup but later in the day I’ll catch myself in the bathroom mirror at work and I look old and puffy. School has definitely taken a toll. I am on a short break from doubling up right now which is nice but I know I’ll be stressed to no end in another couple weeks when I go back to double  up-with Anatomy and Physiology of ALL things to double up with!! AH! It’ll be stressful. I’ve discovered also that it is almost impossible for me to lose weight without my snacks.

I haven’t made my 40 in four goal considering my mother will be here in 4 more days. Ah, thats crazy to think of. My stomach has been in knots since last weekend over it. I’m hoping to lose another 2 lbs before she comes, that will put me a few lbs short of 40. I have I think 19 more lbs before my second goal of 50 before the end of the year. I figure if I can do 50 from May 24-December 31, a little over 6 months, then I can do another 50 by May or June next year. I’m also hoping to be in an 18 by the end of the year. I am in a 20 now. Finally! 20’s are still a little snug later in the day but in the morning they fit almost perfectly. I’ve cut out a lot of carbs but I still have to have a slice of sourdough with my eggs in the morning, without it it’s impossible to get them down, bleh!!!  But later in the day-around 11:30AM- it is worth it as I have to race home from work to make it to the toilet in time. TMI. Anyway, I can put up with eggs as long as it works for me. My blood pressure was up when I went to see my lady doctor last Friday. 130/84 I think. I don’t remember what I usually am. I’ll have to ask my regular doctor when I see him. Not sure in the spike of my blood pressure but apparently my lady doctor wasn’t concerned although that isn’t really her specialty either. Need to fill my prescription for the pill too. I stopped taking them around the 17th of last month and haven’t have anything since so my weightloss isn’t enough to get me my period again. Must still have those damned cysts on my ovaries. Ef PCOS by the way.

Well I have done a lot of cleaning this week, finally cleaned out my car and my kitchen. Doing a lot of laundry now. My overall goal is to make my house look clean rather than just a mess!! Thought I would have burned enough calories to counteract my dinner last night although apparently not given today’s weigh in.  I want to record what my average day is lately so later on if I Eff up again I can look back on this.

Breakfast:

1 sl. sourdough

1oz. cheese

2 eggs

coffee-with SF creamer and Splenda (sometimes milk, was out today though and of course NF milk)

Snacks (both morning and afternoon):

celery w/ PB (or just PB on its own, no more than 2 TBS)

almonds w/ cheese stick (or just the cheese, or just the almonds, although almonds by themselves make me what more food shortly after-fairly high binge influence)

Dinner:

Chicken breast w/ a green vegetable

Although if my day so far is high in calories then I have a verrrrry small dinner. Lately it has been a peanut butter spoon and a glass of milk or a salad with some of the precooked chicken from the store. I have decided to keep my calories within 1500 while doing SB. I think I stalled because I got so use to SB that I let the carbs slip in too much. If I stick to what is above and do at least an hour at the gym doing cardio then I should see a weight loss the next day.

I need to start lotioning up my body more. I have seen that my stretch marks are becoming more visible as things have started to sag a smidge. Not enough that anyone else would notice but I do. The SM’s on the inside of my boobs seem more visible when I wear tank tops now and on the outside of my boobs they are much more visible. Must be because there isn’t as much fat to push them flat. Now they are kinda just sagging. Need to start working on muscle mass now too. I need to start working on my stomach muscles. I would like to begin a washboard stomach!! HAHA!  Yea right!. I have noticed in my gut though that there are indents again that look like they are separating the obese part and the “just fat” part. I was going to take pictures again this morning but my phone was dying.

NSV- I touched my fingers to the ground the other day at the gym when stretching at the waist. Was a nice feeling and I don’t remember whether I was able to do that before or not but none the less exciting. I wasn’t able to stretch any further to get my whole hand on the ground but maybe eventually I will. I have really lost a lot of flexibility. I hate it. I really need to start stretching more. My neck and back are really out of whack. Might just be the stress from work and school too.

While I was at the gym the other night I kept looking into the basketball courts and watching a couple guys shooting hoops. Oh how I wanted to go in there! I miss the ball! I miss the swish of the hoop!! OHHHHHH! I don’t think my body could handle my jumping around right now. Soon enough I will be able to get back on the court.

Well I think thats all for now. Will probably not post again until after my mother leaves. Taking a few days off work, including the day she is here. Will have to do as much homework as possible this week in preparation. I need my weeknights free to go to the gym. I saw a lady there the other night who was still really feminine and cute but realllllly cut. Her arms were so firm and curvy from the muscle. I don’t want to be as muscular as her but she was my inspiration. Feminine but kick ass!

Okay, ’til next time!

PS. Pictures below are from October 6th. Part of our new 280’s Ladies Picture Post once a month.

10/6/2010

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