I emailed her. I tried this almost 3 years ago and I got no response. It is so hard to put myself out there emotionally and then not even get a response… hense why it has taken my bruised heart 3 years to try it again. I hit send a few short minutes ago, and now I can’t even concentrate. I wonder what will happen… nothing?? an email with the promise of a relationship?? a phone call?? Something. That is what I hope for. I MISS her.
Here’s a little background information: I am not close to my Mother. Actually, it should be said that no one is close to my mother… she does not allow that sort of thing. You see, my mother has the emotional maturity level of a 16 year old. She is always looking out for her own interests and she is quite heartless, truth be told. That is not to say that I do not love her, but obviously we do not have that closeness or bond that a daughter desires. Fortunately for me, my mother had an older sister (that she hated) whom I adored. She was everything my mother was not… independant, educated, worldly. She had no children, but treated me as her child. She listened when I spoke and did not treat me as a child. She believed in me. She loved me and she told me so. And she meant more to me than anyone else in the whole world for most of my childhood. There were times when I was growing up that my mother would get angry at me or at her and punish us by not letting us see each other. She could be so cruel. Anyhow, about 8 years ago my grandmother died. She was my other person. I adored that woman. I am her namesake and so proud of that! Her and my aunt did not have a good relationship, and hadn’t for years, and the burden of caring for my grandmother as she died was assumed by my mother. Needless to say this created a horrible friction between the two of them, seeing as how my aunt is wealthy and my mother is middle class at best. You can see how that situation got ugly. I was thrust in the middle but somehow managed to keep my relationships with both of them in tact. That is until my aunt asked for some of my Grandmother’s stuff about 3 years later… She somehow thought I could talk my mom into giving it to her, which alas, I could not. I had failed her. In her defense, it was stuff she should have rightfully had. My aunt and mother have different fathers because my aunt’s dad passed away when she was one or so. He was a police officer. My aunt was requesting things like his badge and my grandmother’s wedding ring. But, because of the anger my mom harbored for being financially responsible for the funeral, etc, she would share nothing. And somehow that fact created too much strain for mine and my aunt’s relationship. I did take up for my mother, a little bit… I know how hard it was for them to pay, and that hurt my aunt’s feelings. She felt as if I chose sides. I chose my Grandmother… I chose whatever honored her memory. I lost my aunt and mother over it. About 6 or 7 months later my mom and I started talking again, but I still have yet to talk to my aunt. Today I emailed her…
So that is my story of the day. That is my reason for scatterbrained thinking. That will hopefully NOT be my reason for eating a big fucking muffin! I have been craving one, and we all know what an emotional eater I am. UGH.
Today is weigh in. I did somewhere around 6 hours of cardio this week. At least I think that’s about right. I need to check my log. I went over my points one night by 1 point, and most nights I didn’t even use my activity points. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let me have lost some damn weight. I can NOT deal with that today, too!
And my middle son has his first soccer game Saturday!!! I am so excited for him! His birthday is the 18th, and I’m not sure when or how we are celebrating yet. I can’t believe my baby will be 6…
Happy Wednesday, chickies
