Shall We Shrink??

I am officially a bad person. A really, really bad person. I got a call this morning about my ex husband. He had been in a car accident and was non responsive. First thought: My god, could I be this lucky?! Second thought: I am gonna rot in hell for that first thought. Let me give you a little background… Ex is a chameleon… I thought he was the most amazing man to live. He was kind, smart, witty. He was a con. Really, he was an ex drug addict, alcoholic who lied and said he had never taken drugs and only drank socially. In his defense, the first year we were together he did no drugs and only drank occasionally, and I was 21 so that really was not an issue as I occassionally drank too. Fast forward to me getting pregnant. He was HORRIBLE. Started drinking all the time and smoking pot. 2 months pregnant I left. He ended up using and abusing drugs and going to jail, citing my absence as the cause. I felt guilt and we got back together a few weeks after our son was born. The drugs stopped, but the drinking did not and after he stayed out all night one night, drunk as a skunk AND driving I was done. We get divorced. I find out I have cancer. He is there and suggests we have another child (it was cervical cancer) while we can and me being an emotional, scared mess agreed. It lasted less than 4 months. The end came with a beer bottle flying just inches from my head as we had a conversation about him “not” being an alcoholic. He left us there with nothing… I had no job, was on bedrest, and was bleeding. I was so terrified, but I talked my doc into giving me shots to help me not go into labor so I could work. We had no heat that winter, but at least we had a roof over our heads. My Dad bought me a little space heater and we cuddled up in the living room to keep as warm as we could. Did it bother him his kids had no heat. Nah. He did make it to the birth. Good thing, or so I thought. He left to get the car seat right after I had him… yeah, he just left to shoot up. He came back strung out the next morning, trying to drive us home. That was the second time I drove myself home from the hospital after having a baby… both times thanks to him. I had to go back to work when the baby was 2 weeks old because I didn’t have enough paid leave accumulated to make rent if I didn’t. He never paid child support. After that he rarely saw them and was mostly in and out of jail. After about 6 months of the in and out of their life stuff I told him enough was enough. He could keep a job and keep clean for 6 months or never see them again. Back and forth was too much for them. My older son cried for his Daddy every night for months. It was heart wrenching. You see, when he is not on dope or drunk, he can be pretty great. Too bad that never happens. We haven’t seen him in over 2 and a half years, but he calls and harrasses me a lot. He used to a lot, but since I got married it has gotten better. He threatens to take them away, but again, now we live in California and that isn’t so plausible. And I just want to say: this can happen to anyone. I am a smart, college educated professional. I pay my taxes and keep my house tidy. I treat people with respect and do not judge. People look down on people who are associated with drug abusers, but I think that is so dumb. How he acted is NOT a reflection on me. I have NEVER done drugs or had my children around them. Okay, end lecture. So fast forward back to today. Am I a bad person for feeling like that?? Cause I feel like one. I almost felt sorry for him… He SWORE he wasn’t drinking when it happened. I found out that was a big lie. He’s going to be arrested when he gets better. He hurt himself, someone else, and damaged public property. I know this is ridiculous, but part of me feels like last night was partially my fault. He says the hurt I have caused him makes it unbearable to be sober. Either way, guilt over him and the mistakes I have made consume me.

On top of that, I am going out of town for three days with work, and leaving all the boys with the hubby. I feel badly for leaving. Of course he is stoked and adores them, and will take great care of them. He is the only Dad they have known, and they love him. I am so blessedthat he doesn’t mind all my past drama and loves the boys.

So, yeah, I have eaten like crap lately. It started Saturday and hasn’t stopped. I have to figure out how to stop eating because I am sad or stressed or feel guilty. NOT EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. Now how do I convince myself of that??

I got my new computer piece in the mail and voila! my internet is functioning again! YAY! I said I wanted to catch up after my last post and it wouldn’t let me, so today while my men are napping I am going to whore online and read ALL about the last week for yall! I have been doing really, really well. I am surprised by my motivation. Seriously. Yesterday I ran/walked 3 miles in the morning and then hit the gym for 20 minutes on the elliptical and 45 on the bike. I always thought bikes were wimpy. I was wrong. Spinning is no joke. I have NEVER sweat so much in my life. Literally. I went and bought a dorky Nike sweatband today. Yeah, I may look like a dweeboid, but at least my eyes won’t burn from the torrential downpour of SWEAT. ICK. Not sure what I have planned for today in the way of working out. I had soccer pics and a game this morning and so we left at 8 and just got home. And then in a little over 2 hours we are going to go to watch the game. BOOMER! Oh my gracious, how OU football makes me miss home. I am wearing my jersey today, even though it’s a little tight. I make chubby look GOOD

Have a great Saturday, chickies!!

And it’s so weird… it’s not like I even know any of you, but I miss seeing how things are going for you. Things have been so hectic here and to top it off my internet is hit or miss… supposedly they are sending something new in the mail. Grrrrr! I am missing my weigh in today cause my daycare had a pink eye breakout so I had to stay home with the youngin I got my Target shopping done and now I’m going to walk up and down the mountain with a friend so I’ll get my cardio out of the way, too. Always a silver lining. I ran (and walked!) a 5k the last 2 days and my eating has been super on track so I am pretty stoked about that. I won’t get to weigh in next week either since I’ll be out of town at a conference (which is boasted to have the BEST food! eek!). I’m shooting for over 5 pounds at the weigh in after that… it will be for three weeks, so I think there’s a possibility. In other news, my stomach has been KILLING me again, so I called the doc. He should be getting back to me today. I just want this to all be OVER.

Ok, I’m gonna try to catch up while I wait for my walking buddy. HOPEFULLY I’ll talk to you all soon!

Happy HUMP day ;-)  

They had a gown giveaway yesterday here on base. I went with my friend and it was a pretty fun time. EXCEPT, trying on dresses in a room with 10 other women who are all freaking SKINNY was not the most ego boosting. Nor was having half the dresses not fit. Granted, it was mostly my jubblies that didn’t fit over, but still no fun all the same. I finally found one that I liked… it’s not my style, but free does hapen to be! It’s a two piece, black, LONG ball skirt that is gorgeous (I am 5′9″ so long is never really long… it’s so hard to find formal stuff!), and a halter top that’s very fitting with a mini cutout cleavage cam. It is a 14, which in formal means 12. The top fits, but is too tight to wear as it squishes out a little reverse muffin topish at the bottom and the skirt is a little too tight as it is a little muffin topish itself! BUT, if I can lose 10ish pounds, it will be SO hott!!! It really is flattering. Love it!

So, after this humiliation that I suffered yesterday you would think I’d be motivated… do some cardio and eat right. WRONG. I was a little depressed I let myself go. I tried on my dress from last year and it is TIGHT. What happens next? Chocolate and get this… low fat pringles. ICK! 1st of all, I don’t like chips. 2nd of all, I especially don’t like fake chips! What even is in that stuff? Yeah, I think I ate about 5 servings of the 7 the can had to offer thanks to the grace of the hubbs who knew I would feel massive amounts of guilt later. And, a mini ice cream sundae, although that was legit since we celebrated little man’s birthday formally yesterday. Anyway, I am just feeling so discusted right now, physically and mentally.

So, today I am starting my new 6 week plan… Sunday is food prep day. Since we started soccer I have been thrown for a loop and not been prepared, and that equals failure. I am gonna cook like a mad woman today (though I’m not sad about that because I both love cooking and I got a new apron the other day that is too effin cute!), and make sure I have all weeks lunch made, too. In addition, I am going back to the cardio + weight training that I used to do. The hubby is going to map me out a 5K a day and then 4 times a week I will do weight training. I may gain a little at the beginning, but that’s ok because I want nice, toned arms for my halter! So the plan there is to schedule and plan my workouts on Sunday, too, so I know exactly what I am supposed to do every day of the week. I am gonna be busy today…

How are all you chickies doing? I didn’t get to read much the last few days. Hope you are having a great weekend!!

I am in a mood. It could possibly be the fact that I woke at 2:30am and have not been able to get back to sleep. Or maybe not. Anyhow, I am in a mood all the same. I hate when I feel like this… all angsty and meloncholy at the same time.

Yesterday turned out different than planned… the hubby had to work late and missed dinner and shopping. He was pretty bummed. We’re officially celebrating tomorrow, but he was feeling guilty all the same. Doesn’t work suck?! Where do I sign up to be independantly wealthy?? I ate well and didn’t go over, even eating 2 delicious cupcakes! YUM! I had to eat plain oatmeal for breakfast and veggie soup for lunch to do it, but I am glad I did!

Today is going to be full of cleaning and hanging with the lil one. Oh, and a nap for sure.

I know, I know… I have been neglecting you chickies. I have been wanting to read what’s been going on with you. And wanting to tell you that I LOST 1.2 pounds yesterday! w00t! But, with the boys and their sports and instruments, homework and eating, and the hubby having to go to bed at 8:30 so he can get up by 3:30, I have nudged you out of my schedule. And I don’t like it!!! So, I am taking a few minutes this morning

The weigh in yesterday made me so nervous because I didn’t do as much cardio as I wanted to, and the number lost reflects that. I am going to make an effort to step that back up, because it makes SUCH a difference, not only in my weightloss, but in my mood. I feel less guilt for eating when I work out. Twisted, I know. Work has been CRAZY with the auditors there, but I am thankful for it because I am learning so much. I think I may just be getting the hang of this! We’ll see how today goes. My birthday boy is 6 today, and has managed to make it THREE days in a row without lightly tapping, pushing, or punching anyone, and I am so happy for him. His teacher made a deal with him (in lieu of sending him to the principals office for the third offence, which is customary) that if he could go all week this week with good behavior she’d give him a stuffed animal. He is doing so well. I was going to tell him he should act like that EVERYday,but then I thought about my weightloss; everyday forever is too much for me, and I think week to week. Why can’t he? So now that is what we’re gonna do! Only 2 more days left of him being good! hahaha I am leaving work a bit early today to take cupcakes to his class. They have a rule that they have to be store bought. Public school. UGH. We usually make FABULOUS homemade ones together and that is part of the fun… giving your classmates something you helped to make. But, a couple losers who get their kicks hurting kids have technically hurt them all now that this rule is in place. I suppose I feel safer knowing that, considering I don’t know every parent like I did at the boys school before. It’s just kinda sad…

Tonight is shopping for birthday boys presents! We have a tradition where you get to pick your own presents here, and with the money I’m giving him plus all the little gift cards here and there from my mom, dad, sisters, and grandmas, he has accumulated over $130 bucks! Should be interesting to see what we drag home!

Well, I am off to make some birthday pancakes!!! Hope you chickies all have a fabulous day!!

Yesterday was LONG and I didn’t accomplish the ONE thing I wanted to… working out. I woke up early because I had to give the boys a bath (Pops watched them the night before so I could have a girls night and neglected to give them one). I got my lunch packed, the men ready, and was out the door early, in time for some Starbuck’s even… or so I thought. I try to leave my street and there are cars backed up everywhere. wtf? so I figure it is a wreck and turn around to take my shortcut. Nope, blocked that way, too. Now I’m worried… this must be a BAD wreck! So, I try one more way and manage to get the boys to school on time. Then comes the fun part… trying to leave for work. Yeah, it literally took me over half an hour to get from the boys school to where I would turn to go home. 7/10ths of a mile. Apparently the exchange by my house got robbed. Again. Who does that on base?! My daycare lady was like “I thought I was so much safer here!” Yeah, you are only as strong as your weakest link. My ghetto ass neighbors go to the bar all the time and pick up scandalous people. They even let them stay with them for a few days at a time. I’m sure they aren’t the only ones. I was trying to find something about it online, and everyone’s comments made me so MAD! I get that you are against the war, but really, what does my husband, or any other Marine for that matter, have to do with that? What control does he have over politics. NONE. Okay, done with that.

So, I get to work, late, and it is the first day of the audit, which is a big deal. I am their contact person which isn’t so great seeing as how I have limited knowledge of just about everything, so my boss is helping and he is stressed to the max. Needless to say work was LONG. I did manage to eat part of my lunch and a snack, so that was good. After work I had to haul butt to get the boys on time and then drive half an hour to the music store to get a cello. Yes, a cello. My son wants to play. I myself don’t get Band… I was a choir person, and that is much cheaper! ha. We get said cello and haul booty back to the house to change for soccer. The hubby, who left a little after 4am, was still not home and it was past 5. I was HOPING he would be so I could leave the cranky sleep deprived little one with him. Alas, I had to take the poop with me, which made for a miserable soccer experience. And I forgot water. Poor kids. Apparently I will not be winning mother of the year anytime soon.

I finally get home just before 7, make sandwiches, cut up some strawberries and feed the family. Hubby had to be up again before 4 so he was going to bed with the boys. I wanted to get on the treadmill, so so so bad, but it just didn’t happen. I was exhausted and I hadn’t talked to my husband all day. Yeah, so that was yesterday. Good news is I ate well

This morning, the hubbs is clunking around and of course it wakes me up. I finally say screw it and get up (about 4:30) and he left the door unlocked! Hello- there was just an armed robbery 2 blocks away! So I go check all the doors to be sure they are locked. My back patio is not only unlocked… it is OPEN! So now I am sitting here too creeped out to get on the treadmill, as I think that every noise is an indication something bad is gonna happen. Yes, I will fess up… I am a complete WUSS! That’s why I married a hero

Hope you chickies are having a better time than me!!!

There is no other place I wanna be. I don’t even like that song… wtf?! Anyway, today is a good day so far. I woke up late (they actually let me sleep in!) to fresh brewed coffee and a clean kitchen. Wowza, that never happens! I have a date today with a friend to do lunch and a chick flick (which by the way, I have not been to a non kid movie in over 6 months at the theatre so this is sooooo awesome!) and I am totally stoked. Since I slept in til almost 9 I ate a muffin (which I will tell you about in more detail in a minute) and hopped on the treadmill. I would have done my hour, but I got this heinous blister yesterday and even though I bandaged it it was KILLING me. So, I settled for the 45 minutes and I’m okay with that. I get off the treadmill and hop on my wii fit to do my body test. No gain or loss since yesterday, so that is good I guess.

Yesterday I ate so well… until… I made homemade pumpkin muffins. Ultra healthy… if you eat just one. Ha. I actually did eat just one. Until middle son didn’t like his so I ate some of it. Then baby son didn’t want his, so I ate part of it. Mmmmmm they were SO good. I went over about 3 or 4 points. This week just seems like I am lacking focus. I need to get it in check. At least I am aware of it, and I realize what it is that I am doing. I had such a good week last week, so I know what works for me and what I need to do. Now making that happen is another story

Hope all you chickies are having a FABULOUS weekend!!!

Who knew working out and eating sensible portions would work… would even make you feel better? UGH. I get so frustrated with myself. Last night I was bad… again. I had a mini chocolate donut. And another. And another. 10 points later I was so MAD at myself. The hubby had to work all night and we had movie night. They begged and begged for our fav mini chocolate donuts, and I finally gave in. Why punish them because I have no control and am chubby? They are just little, skinny kids who love chocolate donuts and only get them on movie nights. Yeah, well cocky me thought I’d be fine with the carrots and popcorn. Ha! I messaged the hubby to confess and alleviate some of my torcherous guilt and he suggested hopping on the treadmill, which would have been a good idea if I didn’t have three lil men nestled around me enjoying their mommy time. So, I am not gonna keep beating myself up about it. It’s not worth it. I am just going to move on and know that if I do not lose this week or even *gasp* gain again, I will know it is because I can’t take just one bite. Not of chocolate anyway. Why do I feel so greedy when it comes to food, like I have to hurry and eat it all? It’s not like we are broke and can’t afford groceries or something (although with three growing boys that could become an issue in the near future). I need to keep my eyes on the prize. Like good ole Axl Rose said ” you can taste the bright lights, but you won’t get them for free.” True dat, Axl, true dat.

I spent my hour on the treadmill this morning, and just to reinforce my no chocolate donut stance, I made myself hike uphill. Oh can I just tell you that 4.2 at a 4.0 incline is a bitch after about 10 minutes!!! Yeah, I will definitely pass on the trans fat infested nastiness that is mini donut next time. And oddly enough, I did my body test on wii fit and I weigh the least I have ever weighed on there. I only have 1.1 pound til Overweight! w00t! Guess we’ll see come weigh in Wednesday for sure.

I’m off to shower and head out to my baby’s 1st soccer game of the season! Go Black Hawks!!!

Hope you chickies are having a great weekend!

Oh, wait… one more thing. I was reading Shape magazine and they had a back workout with a “real life mom model.” In her little what I do to stay in shape box she said she runs 3 miles a … get this… wait for it… WEEK! This tiny little twig runs a whopping 3 miles a freaking week to stay in her 102 (maybe!) pound glory. Like I want to read that shit!!! At least pick someone who runs 3 days a week. Not a once a weekend little jog. Jeez, I do that almost 6 times in a week. Stupid magazine and stupid skinny people who don’t have to try. Grrrrrrrrr

Okay, now I’m done.

I got em. Yesterday was a full day and I didn’t do any type of formal exercise. BOO! I did run around at soccer practice with the boys and stuff, but nothing too hard core. Grrrrr I will not let that happen again. I do have excuses, but I won’t even list them because I told myself NO MATTER WHAT, and I meant it. So what does that mean? I’m off today and I am going to pull cardio double duty! Speaking of duty, the hubbs has it tonight and won’t be coming home at all. So, I think I am gonna have an old fashioned movie night with the men. I am sad hubby isn’t gonna be here, but glad I get the boys all to myself as well. hehe.

Eating was mostly on track yesterday, although I had to miss lunch and ended up eating too much when I came home from work. Dinner was good, too. I am going to be more proactive with my meals like I was the wek before last and make out a meal schedule so I will know exactly what I am making, leaving no room for FAST FOOD excuses! With soccer two nights a week now, this is even more important. I can be so lazy.

So that means today is full of planning, shopping, and chopping (veggies for movie night, that is!). Bring it on!!! I am gonna try to stay busy, busy to take my mind off my BFF. Remember a few posts ago I was talking about her driving up to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving? Well she is in Texas, just a few miles N of Galveston and is SUPPOSED to evacuate, but can’t because A: there are no hotels, motels, flea bag inns within 6 to 8 NORMAL hours of driving away (which in evacuation traffic is god only knows how long) and B: doesn’t have the extra cash. I wish I were in Oklahoma because she would be able to come to my house and be safe, but alas I am not. If I had the money I would fly her here, but it would take almost my whole paycheck to get her and her 2 girls here on such short notice, and I can’t spare that right now. If anything happens I will die. I am closer to her than anyone in this world with the exception of my one sister. So pray, meditate, say a spell, whatever it is you do, that Ike pisses off and goes away!!!

Happy Friday, my favorite chickies!