I am officially a bad person. A really, really bad person. I got a call this morning about my ex husband. He had been in a car accident and was non responsive. First thought: My god, could I be this lucky?! Second thought: I am gonna rot in hell for that first thought. Let me give you a little background… Ex is a chameleon… I thought he was the most amazing man to live. He was kind, smart, witty. He was a con. Really, he was an ex drug addict, alcoholic who lied and said he had never taken drugs and only drank socially. In his defense, the first year we were together he did no drugs and only drank occasionally, and I was 21 so that really was not an issue as I occassionally drank too. Fast forward to me getting pregnant. He was HORRIBLE. Started drinking all the time and smoking pot. 2 months pregnant I left. He ended up using and abusing drugs and going to jail, citing my absence as the cause. I felt guilt and we got back together a few weeks after our son was born. The drugs stopped, but the drinking did not and after he stayed out all night one night, drunk as a skunk AND driving I was done. We get divorced. I find out I have cancer. He is there and suggests we have another child (it was cervical cancer) while we can and me being an emotional, scared mess agreed. It lasted less than 4 months. The end came with a beer bottle flying just inches from my head as we had a conversation about him “not” being an alcoholic. He left us there with nothing… I had no job, was on bedrest, and was bleeding. I was so terrified, but I talked my doc into giving me shots to help me not go into labor so I could work. We had no heat that winter, but at least we had a roof over our heads. My Dad bought me a little space heater and we cuddled up in the living room to keep as warm as we could. Did it bother him his kids had no heat. Nah. He did make it to the birth. Good thing, or so I thought. He left to get the car seat right after I had him… yeah, he just left to shoot up. He came back strung out the next morning, trying to drive us home. That was the second time I drove myself home from the hospital after having a baby… both times thanks to him. I had to go back to work when the baby was 2 weeks old because I didn’t have enough paid leave accumulated to make rent if I didn’t. He never paid child support. After that he rarely saw them and was mostly in and out of jail. After about 6 months of the in and out of their life stuff I told him enough was enough. He could keep a job and keep clean for 6 months or never see them again. Back and forth was too much for them. My older son cried for his Daddy every night for months. It was heart wrenching. You see, when he is not on dope or drunk, he can be pretty great. Too bad that never happens. We haven’t seen him in over 2 and a half years, but he calls and harrasses me a lot. He used to a lot, but since I got married it has gotten better. He threatens to take them away, but again, now we live in California and that isn’t so plausible. And I just want to say: this can happen to anyone. I am a smart, college educated professional. I pay my taxes and keep my house tidy. I treat people with respect and do not judge. People look down on people who are associated with drug abusers, but I think that is so dumb. How he acted is NOT a reflection on me. I have NEVER done drugs or had my children around them. Okay, end lecture. So fast forward back to today. Am I a bad person for feeling like that?? Cause I feel like one. I almost felt sorry for him… He SWORE he wasn’t drinking when it happened. I found out that was a big lie. He’s going to be arrested when he gets better. He hurt himself, someone else, and damaged public property. I know this is ridiculous, but part of me feels like last night was partially my fault. He says the hurt I have caused him makes it unbearable to be sober. Either way, guilt over him and the mistakes I have made consume me.
On top of that, I am going out of town for three days with work, and leaving all the boys with the hubby. I feel badly for leaving. Of course he is stoked and adores them, and will take great care of them. He is the only Dad they have known, and they love him. I am so blessedthat he doesn’t mind all my past drama and loves the boys.
So, yeah, I have eaten like crap lately. It started Saturday and hasn’t stopped. I have to figure out how to stop eating because I am sad or stressed or feel guilty. NOT EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. Now how do I convince myself of that??