* Tiramisumo *

Despite the title, I’m not going to BS. I messed up.

I gained about 3 lbs, and overall that means I haven’t really made any progress in a month. The last couple weeks have been completely undisciplined. Haven’t counted calories, planned meals, weighed myself, or even logged on to 3FC or blogged. It just all went out the window, and for no apparent reason.

I could say it’s the stress of beginning the college semester and a new job, but really, what are things like that except excuses? I know why I did it. It wasn’t stress, it wasn’t “loss of motivation”, whatever that means, I was just lazy and careless.  I wanted instant gratification and because I wanted it, I purposely blocked out any thoughts about the consequences. I’m not stupid. My desire part of my brain knows what it’s doing. It knows how to control the rest of me to fall in line. Like telling myself I’m not blogging because it’s a waste of time and I need to study (or play games is more like it), when really, the real reason I didn’t want to blog is because I knew that if I did, it would mean doing exactly what I’m doing right now… admitting that my eating is out of control and I’ve gained weight.

But I’m not giving up. It’s only 3 lbs. Thank goodness it wasn’t 30 and I have enough resilience to get back up after one or two punches to my progress instead of deciding to do it after a dozen.

This is really hard for me, as I imagine it is for every fat person who’s trying to do something about it, because it’s almost like having to find yourself all over again. The quote about sabotaging a self that is not really you is true. I don’t eat salads and tofu and turkey wraps and yogurt every single day, and I never will. I can’t keep living like that. It’s not me.  I’ve been going about this all wrong.

Habits don’t go away just by trying to force a new and totally foreign one on yourself. It doesn’t work that way. Maybe habits go away by changing them little by little until you don’t even realize that they’re gone and totally replaced.

So what am I gonna do?

Like my mom always says: “Just take one day at a time.”

“…It’s been 3 weeks since my last weight loss.”

Seriously though. I only binged once, and still it averaged out at the end of the week to what it was supposed to be, calorie-wise. Only 1 1/2 months into this and already at a plateau? That must be a new record.

Some people say to give it a couple weeks. I gave it 3. Scale is not budging, so I’m starting some new goals:

1,800 calories/day

(down from 2,000)

At least 4 bottles water/day

(up from, oh, about 0)

I wish calorie-tracking websites allowed you to input your OWN calorie goal, not just what they recommend. I realize they do it for “safe” weight loss, but “safe” isn’t very helpful when it’s not working, is it. (I’m looking at you, dailyplate.com)

Today, I cried in my room like a hormonal teenager.

I made plans to take my son to the babysitter and go see a movie with my brother and to see his new house, but Bodhi didn’t want to go.

And being a normal 3-year old who wants his way, despite my attempts at reasoning, and then bribery, he cried and cried and cried. So instead of taking charge, I called the babysitter and my brother to call it off and just cried and cried and cried too.

His tantrum isn’t my problem. I am my problem. I’ve been feeling so emotionally beaten down lately. I have been under a lot of stress, money-related, but it’s a little bit more complex than that.

About a year ago, after a severe incident of domestic violence, (and subsequent job loss and failure in college, since my abuser was also my babysitter for those things at the time), my mom invited me to come live with her so I could get my shit back together. And I pretty much did. I worked a lot and had a lot of money saved. Enough that I could keep going to school with my own cash and work on repairing my GPA. Which I did. But in order to do so, I had to work less so I could balance school more, which led to conflicts with my boss and I left my job. So my savings dwindled to nothing by this summer.

I have another part-time job now, but I cannot afford to pay for the fall semester, and am stressfully waiting for the school’s decision about whether to grant my appeal for financial aid. It all comes down to a technicality and the whim of some white-collar financial aid officer. My GPA is more than high enough now, but my “completion rate” is not, something I could not have fixed in one year no matter what I did.

So my future is hanging on a delicate thread. And each day I check the status of my appeal and it still says “Appeal received-not yet reviewed“, I am that much more stressed and on the brink of breaking down and/or binging. The outcome of the next year or more of my life is teetering on that one appeal decision.

Either it gets approved, and I can continue going to college and move on with my life, or it doesn’t and I can’t. If it doesn’t get approved, then I have no choice but to search for another (full-time) job, working overtime, living with my mom, and saving, saving, saving before I can even go back again. Meanwhile, tuition is going up, and up, and up. At this rate, I’ll probably graduate when I’m 30.

I don’t want to live with either of my parents. My mom has never made me feel bad about it, but nevertheless, it’s demoralizing. I feel like a failure. I’m also upset because I’m alone, and just like everyone else in the world, I want to love someone and be loved, but I’m entirely untrustworthy in that area of life, because my track record with picking good people to love (or even be friends with) has been horrendous, so I just avoid people altogether.

All of this has been effecting me. And not just my emotions, but my desire to binge, as well as my body too. I haven’t had my period in over 3 months. The only things I knew that could stop a period is pregnancy (not a possibility, since I haven’t had sex in over a year), menopause (not a possibility, since I’m 25 years old), or anorexia (haha! not likely, is it?). So I looked it up on webmd’s Womens Health, and it says:

Causes for not ovulating are multifold: thyroid problems, pituitary problems, ovarian cysts, physical stressors (eg sudden increases in exercise, crash dieting), emotional stressors (problems with parents or boyfriends/girlfriends, exams), increased body weight, anorexia, rotating shifts at work, etc.

I was quite surprised that stress, dieting, and increased weight can cause it also, but I’m HOPING it’s one or all of those, because I certainly don’t want it to be a thyroid problem or ovarian cyst.

That being said, my present is looking gray and bleak right now, and chocolate cake seems mighty comforting right now. In fact, my mom made one, it is sitting in the kitchen right now, and I just ate a slice, but seeing as how it didn’t, in fact, make me feel much better, luckily I stopped right there, and am still within my acceptable calorie range.

Counting calories seems to be my only source of control right now. I can’t seem to control my son, or my living situation, or my imminent future, but goddamn it, I and I alone control my calories!

I don’t know whether to be happy or sad right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be less ambivalent.

Theories on Lack of Energy

Well, as promised, I’m reporting some of my findings on this subject. I’m going to skip some of the obvious ones, like getting more sleep, eating breakfast, avoiding sugar crashes, exercising, and some other obvious ones we always hear.

Some interesting theories and/or tips I found while scourging the internet:

*  Cut back on TV and computer time after 8 p.m. “If you’re already a night owl (you go to bed late and sleep in on weekends), the bright light emitted from television and computer screens can make falling asleep at a decent hour even harder.

The reason: Light suppresses the production of melatonin, a hormone secreted at sunset that tells the brain that it’s nighttime, explains John Herman, Ph.D., director of the training program in sleep medicine at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School at Dallas. And when melatonin levels are low, your brain is fooled into thinking that it’s still daytime — and remains raring to go. Whenever possible, wait until the next morning to tune in and/or log on. If you must use light-emitting technology at night, try to turn it off an hour or two before hitting the sack.”

-(from
http://www.webmd.com)

*   Eat every three to four hours. Having three smallish meals and two snacks throughout the day can keep your blood sugar and energy levels stable all day long. Note the word “smallish.” Supersized meals demand more of your energy to digest, which can leave you feeling lethargic. At each mini-meal, get a mix of carbohydrates (which the body uses for energy), protein (which helps sustain energy if needed), and healthy fats like those found in fish, nuts, and olives.

The reason: These fats and protein contribute to meal satisfaction, so you don’t go hunting for sweets an hour later and wind up with a short-lived sugar high and subsequent crash.

A few meal ideas: a low-fat yogurt parfait with berries and a couple of tablespoons of whole-grain granola; salmon over mixed greens with whole-grain crackers; and beef tenderloin with a baked sweet potato and asparagus.

-(from
http://www.webmd.com)

* Declutter - Clean and organize, especially things that haven’t been bothered with for weeks or months.

The Reason: Having cluttered space can overwhelm you and sap your energy. Plus, any accomplishment, no matter how small, can give you a dose of pep.

Some other quick ideas:

Dress up & wear shoes even when you’re at home.

Volunteer

Take a B-complex vitamin supplement

Open up the shades. Get more light.

Don’t walk too slow.

Put on an uplifting song.

Just act energetic. Even if you don’t feel energetic, acting like you are eventually will make you feel energetic. (Wouldn’t that be great if that worked for everything? Like feeling rich, thin, and smart? LOL)

I have NOOOO energy. Ever.

I know ‘they’ say exercising is supposed to give you more energy, but maybe I was built wrong. I’m not quite ready (financially) to hit the gym just yet, but my car wouldn’t start today, and I took that as a sign that I need to use my feet now and go for a walk. Which I did. To the gas station. To buy cigarettes. (I know. Don’t even say it. But I refuse to lie, even though it’s just a dumb blog.) Maybe I wasn’t really trying, but it didn’t seem to give me even a smidgen more energy than I previously had with my ass planted in a chair.

Later I decided to do something productive and shoveled up the jungle of weeds that is my mom’s small backyard. Shovel. Shovel. Rake. Rake. Bend. Bend. Throw away. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. For, oh, an hour. Still not feeling it.

You know how you feel lethargic when you’re drugged up on some kind of medication, or you just gave birth yesterday? Yeah, that’s how I feel evvveryday. I could drink a Red Bull (which are gross, btw) and the only thing I feel is like my insides are jittery. Is that what energy IS, because I gotta tell ya, I don’t feel like that’s it.

To me, energy is what makes my cat run in and out of rooms like a madman. Or makes my son jump up and down for no apparent reason whatsoever. I want some of that and I can’t find any.

And it’s not even just because of the sheer volume of my weight. I get around without pain or cramps or heavy breathing. I just, I dunno. I’m lazy. I’m sloth-ish. I don’t want to be this way, but I am, and I’m not sure how to change it. If I exercise, that’s fine. But I still feel like sloth.  When do I start to reap this elusive thing called “ENERGY”? Wake up, body. Wake up!

Well, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to do some research. And then report my findings here. Maybe I’m doing something (or multiple things) that I just don’t realize is sapping my energy like sucker fish.

Blah.

Caption: “As happy as a hit with a rollicking beat, or a serenade in  a dreamy mood . . . as happy as one whose extra young pounds have been delightfully transformed by the designing magic of Chubbettes - fashions to make girls 6 to 16 look slimmer.

shown above: Sub-Teen Glen plaid sheath, $7.98 — Girls woven gingham plaid, $5.98

FREE! “Pounds and Personality” . . . booklet for parents who want to assure the happiness of their overweight girls. Dr. Gladys Andrews of New York University tells what to do about nicknames, shyness, tactless remarks, diet, etc.

You know, sometimes I look at our modern advertisements on tv and magazines and think girls now have it pretty bad. Everywhere you look is something telling you you’re not–whatever– enough. Not enough. Some people say it’s getting worse, and the targets are getting younger.

However, this is nothing new, as this 1958 ad in Life magazine should tell you. (Fat chicks think walking through the mall with a Lane Bryant bag is bad… how would you like to purchase some “Chubbettes”? Nice.)

I know not all of us are losing weight because of vanity. Some want better health, some want more energy, or to do more physical activities. But some, if not most, are doing it for vanity.

Is there anything wrong with that?

To be honest, I really don’t know anymore. Sometimes, and I speak mainly for myself, I think people just jump into weightloss with a vision without a particular “why” behind it other than “I’m tired of this! I’m sick of this!” What is this, exactly? Well, there’s a lot of this-es. Ask any fat girl and they shouldn’t be that hard to name. But if you sit down and write a list of all the this-es (and do it freely without thinking about the why behind it, or the feminist/character/moralistically-appropriate response), I’m willing to bet a lot of the reasons have  a great deal to do with vanity and/or what other people think of us. I do, and I’m not afraid to admit it.

If a substantial-enough number of us wanted to lose weight for health reasons, for example, why are weight loss ads of girls in bikinis, rather than, say, a sweaty runner or a patient being fitted with a blood-pressure cuff? Marketing doesn’t just throw things out there by accident.

Yes, I want to lose weight to be beautiful too. I want to wear a skirt with black, mid-calf boots. Or high heels. And wear spaghetti strap tanks. I want to know what it’s like to be a girl, instead of some androgenous tent with arms, feet, and a head.

The strange thing is I don’t even know why. I’m shy, don’t and probably never will know how to take compliments, and hate being the center of attention. And I know I might get some flak for this one, but I don’t even really like men. I’m suspicious of them. I’m afraid of them. And I hate people driven to other people through shallow characteristics, regardless of gender. Does that make me a hypocrite? Probably.

But I’m not asking a lot. I don’t think fat chicks, in general, are asking a whole lot. We don’t want (or expect) our life to suddenly blossom into orgasmic happiness. We don’t need (or expect) all of our problems to just disappear. We don’t want to be the life of the party, or the popular one, or have a million guys (or girls) beating down our door.

All I’m asking is to get through life just a little bit easier. To not break out into sweaty palms when we board an airplane. To not be in utter discomfort trying to fold ourselves inward in too-small theatre seats, subways, and concerts, so as not to impede on other people’s space. To walk by a group of adolescent boys without bracing ourselves for the worst. To not drive ourselves crazy wondering what the grocery cashier or other people in line are thinking as our food goes rolling along on the conveyer belt–”Cookies? No wonder she’s so fat!” or “Health food? She must be trying to lose weight, poor dear.” To not feel left out and awkward when a friend wants to go shopping in a normal-sized clothing store.

I’m not asking or hoping for a lot. I just want to be normal to some comfortable degree. Isn’t that what we all want? To be comfortable in our own skin?

The question should NOT be “How happy can a chubby girl be?”. Yes, there is a difference. Losing weight will not make me happy. It is not an end-all-be-all. But it would make me a helluvalot more comfortable, whoever and whatever I choose to be.

Happy 25th Birthday (to me!)

Today was the big day. I didn’t go totally crazy, but I did go over my calorie goal by approx. 500. I say approx. because my day included my mom’s homemade lazy chicken enchilladas, which is difficult to calculate the serving size or calories, especially when she never measures anything, she cooks by sight & feel. So as long as my next 3 days is about 200 lower than normally, I’ll be in good shape. And yes, I did have tiramisu as my “cake”. It was divine.

But instead of making a pointless post about my birthday, I wanted to ask my readers, what’s the deal with the semi-recent cornucopia of 100 calorie “snack packs”? Everything from 100-calorie cakes to almonds to cookies to popcorn to chips. You know what I’m talking about… THESE:

I’ll admit, when I first started out a few weeks ago, I bought a TON of these kind of 100-calorie snacks. But then I sort of quit, for a few reasons:

1. One cake is about the size of a large coat button. Which is appropriate. IF YOU’RE THE SIZE OF A CAT.
2. With that kind of size, I sometimes found myself unable to stop at just one pack.
3. 100 Calories! gives you a false sense of safe-ness, as if things like fat, sugar, and complete lack of nutritional content don’t matter. And maybe I’m just being sucked into a rumor that carbs/fats/sweets beget cravings for more carbs/fats/sweets, but that seems to be the case.
4. They’re too convenient. Yes, I say TOO CONVENIENT. Because as a cooking-challenged person forcing myself to learn to cook, I’ve learned that effort is almost proportional to the amount of satisfaction and savoring I get out of what I eat. So if it’s quick and cheap, my taste buds treat it like it’s quick and cheap.

On the other hand, I appreciate that they exist for the purpose of taste-indulgence without volume. Because even though I have the urge to eat more, I have more guilt in opening a SECOND PACKAGE,  no matter how small, than I do with eating a greater volume of sweets that happen to be in a single BIGGER package. Don’t ask me why. Freakonomics I guess.

The Recipe: HG’s Fiber-ific Fried Chicken Strips

Calories: 277, 1 serving = 6 oz chicken

Using: Chicken (duh), Fiber-One crumbs, seasoning, egg substitute

Verdict: YUM!

Another easy recipe. Although the real Hungry Girl recipe calls for Fiber One as the “bread crumbs”, I went with the suggestion of Panko bread crumbs from a fello 3FatChicks chica in the forums. And then just added 25 calories, which is the difference between 1/4 cup of Fiber One and 1/4 cup of Panko.

Not quite as good as REAL fried chicken strips (but then what is?), but it’s very easy and satisfying.

*Dust yourself off and get back on, woman!*

Well, I’m happy to say I sat down around 5 o’clock this morning and had a heart-to-heart attitude adjustment with myself, and I am back on the wagon! Been faithfully tracking my calories and for the first time, I actually PLANNED my whole day out. And have been… following through! Wow! LOL!

It’s really not all that difficult. I just found it so daunting to plan out a whole week in advance, maybe just a day or two in advance is what I need right now.

I also realized it’s also good to plan out not just what you eat, but other things in your life as well. After all, it’s not all about the weight. It’s about improving my life as a whole.

Some other things I have on my “to-do” list are:

[X] Make copies of all documentation for my college Financial Aid appeal and mail. Also mail Last Grade Stands form (which will improve my GPA).

[] Get Bodhi into a bedtime routine.

[X] Finish up the summer semester assignments on time. This means last two PowerPoints & study for CIS exam.

[] Submit 5 part-time job apps today.

[X] Finish planning my day tomorrow [MY 25th BIRTHDAY!], including my meals.

[X] Leave comments on 2 blogs each day

Because we’re in this together and we all need support. That means giving back.

[X] Track calories every day

Because it leads to success and it only takes 10 minutes out of my day, tops.

[--] Get some sleep!

Lights out at 11pm. If I sleep well, I’ll have more energy. If I have more energy, I’ll be more likely to set myself up for success and get moving throughout the day instead of feeling lethargic.

[X] Drink 1 bottle of water a day.

Start small. There’s no reason I can’t manage that.

[--] Walk around the lake.

Stop being lazy and embarrassed and making excuses. Take pictures for blogging-proof accountability.