my life is weird

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i am 5′3, i went all the way down to 128 lbs last october. now i must be like 150ish. swear to god, this is ridiculous. i only have 2 more wks till i get to leave this godforsaken island forever and ever, and go back to my family/friends in the states, omg i am so excited. i had to sell my car, my only friend here, she never failed me to go to the store/restaurant (lol). the dude who bought my car, he bought it like 2 wks ago, after he bought it, he kept calling me and calling me, and drove me home from school almost everyday. and i was like, ok thx dude, bye. i didn’t even realize he lusted/liked me till he kinda begged to come over my place. i was so surprised he wanted to f_ck me, cuz he is really skinny, like omg he is defined, but way too skinny. and here i am being all fat and self-conscious. i dont know why i slept w/him, maybe cuz i was just horny. i mean, i haven’t slept with anybody since my ex last august. wow, that long ago? a dry spell of 5 months!! ok technically not my fault, cuz my this guy wanted to, but i told him to take a hike. anyway! me and CarDude slept together again the other day, but i kept eating the next few days, so even tho he wanted to come over, i had to say no! cuz i am so freaking fat! today he gave me a ride home from school. we went to the grocery and there were a bunch of chocolates for valentine’s, and he kinda was like, hey happy valentine’s. omg i think at that point i kinda started to like him back! what the heck!! and then i kept staring at him, and kinda lusting after him, and he held the basket for me, and i was like enjoying every freaking second of it, omg what’s wrong with me!! damn he was so hot today. omg, and then i left my cell in his car, so i had to call his work and he had to stop by at my place really late, i SWEAR! TO! GOD! i was so ready to f_ck him again, but NOOOOO, his stupid friend was there with him!! so i’m like, ok thx for bringin my phone here, bye. what the heck! i could’ve given him a kiss, right? what the heck is wrong with me…. so i called him up, just to thank him again for going out of his way to return my phone. i’m like, “hey u know i was gonna ask u to come in, but ur friend was there, so….” He goes, “hey we’re gonna go drink, wanna come?” i SO wanted to go, omg i can’t believe i want him this bad now. but i couldnt go, cuz i have WONDERFUL class tomorrow at 8 (gay!!!!!!!! i hate class!) wait, in class there’s this guy, i think he wants to f_ck me, but he is too shy, he is cute yah, but he would never do the 1st move, especially cuz we’re both leaving in 2 wks. anyway, back to CarDude - i want him so bad, i can’t even sleep right now, ok. oh yah, in class, there’s this indian dude, he is sooooo hot, he has the same car as me, and that’s how i remember him. he is so hot, he looks like a prince, like all tall and hot and not too skinny…. O man, i bet CarDude wanted me to kiss him goodbye when he dropped me off at my place earlier this afternoon. but i didn’t! damn!! and then when he dropped off my phone, i couldve kissed him goodnite at my doorstep, but i didnt do that either! what’s wrong with me!! it’s this weight! i am so self-conscious that i keep not doing things that i wanna do. i mean the only reason why i got skinnier last october was cuz i was sad that my bf and i broke up. damn i wish i was skinny again. even at 130, i felt really sexy. not like this, this fat cow who’s afraid of boys all the time! 2 more wks and then i am outta here. start over and lost weight. o yah, CarGuy invited me to go to a roadtrip w/him this sunday, to the beach like 45 minutes away. i really wanna say yes (cuz i wanna f_ck him at the beach, yeah!!!!!!!), but i dont wanna wear a swimsuit! maybe i’ll just go and make some excuse? iono, we’ll see…. Ok good, for a while there i thought i was falling for him, but i dont think so. i think i’m just horny. kinda takes me a while to “love” someone. even my old bf, we lived together for 3 mos, i still didnt really love the guy, i just kinda got attached. but yah, i am sooooooo glad my dry spell broke. dude, i was ready to be a born-again virgin till who knows when! this sucks sooooo much! i just KNOW that once i go home to my parents, i am never gonna have any dates! not till like september if i pass the test and move out finally! omg i dont think i can do that. march, april, may, jun, july, august, september of no sex? i am dead…. unless i get a job over the summer. as what?? i dont even want a bf for longterm, i just want a bunch of flings! i mean, what’s the point of a bf, if i am only gonna be at my parents’ house till september anyway, and then hopefully i can move to florida! and THEN i can start thinkin about longterm bf. i dont think i can stand living at my parents’ house for that long a time….

Hello world!

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