Lack of a female role model

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Ok, I don’t wanna say I’m fucked up cuz I don’t have a good role model, but I just don’t! I don’t like blaming stuff on others, this is my problem, yeah yeah, I get it.

Ok, I am now back at home. Woopti-do. My dad says my so-called fiance won’t be here till next month, cuz he’s “away” on some trip in china. Riiiight. more like cheating on me with some bimbo. I don’t really care.

I luv watching House. Why? Cuz i think Thirteen is such a good role model. She doesnt give a fuck if ppl like her or not. She’s just there to do her job. And who cares if House likes her, or anybody else, she just wants her life to matter.

I don’t wanna say it, but yah, i DO need a female role model to say, “hey, come on, I can do it, so can you.” My mother is an ok role model. But I have been trying to follow her footsteps till I found out she has a fatal flaw - she got thru med school cuz she married my dad at their 2nd year. I don’t think that’s strength at all! I see that as total WEAKNESS, relying on a fucking MARRIAGE to secure a future, so she won’t be afraid, and that if things at the hospital don’t work out right, at least she has a fucking husband to rely on? That’s not what a role model to me is for. My mother is not a role model in that sense. See, if she got thru med school, did residency, and THEN married my father, THEN I would see that as strength. Cuz if she did that, she would’ve done things on her own! And not have some other guy to rely on. Relying on others is not strength. And for the longest fucking time, I have been trying to do that, whether intentionally or not, to follow in her footsteps, hoping that maybe I’ll find “prince charming” one day in college, and now, med school. HELL FUCKING NO. Wrong “role model.” I always thought my mother was strong. But now I just see her as all talk. She is ALL FUCKING TALK. She NEEDS some guy to “make her life better.”

WELL, I SURE AS HELL DON’T. Guys are just to fuck around, they are not for emotional support! Fuck that bullcrap. I don’t want to marry that fucker who my dad like LOVES, ok. I don’t want to be with a dumbass like CarGuy.

(O yah, my friend from school im’ed me, awwww, he’s so cute, he says to keep in touch, since school is over now and stuff…and now we’re just studying for the boards. I wonder if he and I will be in rotations together…that’d be nice.)

I don’t want to need people. I don’t want to rely on people. I want to be like Thirteen! She doesn’t care, she doesn’t care at all! She’s beautiful, but she doesn’t rely on looks to get her way, not like that uglyass blond bimbo Amber - haha, she died, that’s what she gets! Hahahahaa.

I am just really mad right now, cuz I feel like I’m lost, this whole thing of seeing my mother in a completely different light, it’s weird knowing that the one woman I thought was super super strong - well, she’s not. Not how I would define strength - relying on ONLY myself.

Actually, there are a few women I’ve known/know who I consider strong = my sister, Landace, Lara, Laria (all fake names, duh). What do they have in common? They are all very, very pretty - skinny, smart, funny. Except for my sister, they are all med students. I see them as strong cuz they don’t need a guy to define them. They can easily get some guy, but choose their careers before anything. Especially Lara - now I don’t know if she’s a virgin or not, but I just luv the way she doesn’t care about guys. me and her just sit in class, do our thing, study, take notes, leave. Landace was like that too. She has some guy on the side, but she doesn’t put him above her. He is just a fling, haha. Now Laria - she always always makes me smile. Omg, I made her meet Carguy, and the next day, she was like, hahahaha that was funny when u said “too bad he’s not a doctor….to his FACE.” Hahahaha, omg i miss her! I hope me and her pass everything so we can work in orlando together, omg how fucking fun would that be!! And of course, my sister - she always does her own thing. She doesn’t care if she doesn’t have a bf, cuz really, there are no guys who are good enough to beat our favorite singer Hyde. I should be more like them.

For the longest time, i was always thinking “I should be more like my mother.” Hah, wrong! She is the anti-role model. She RELIED on somebody to get thru med school. That’s her fatal flaw, that’s her weakness. If she can’t stand being alone, then that’s not strength at all. Marriage is not strength - it’s a fear of being alone, a fear of “losing” some dude, it’s FEAR. Fear = weakness, and I am NOT weak. Do I wanna marry that fucker who can’t even be here to welcome me back to the US? Fuck no. He says he wants me to yah get my MD, but then NOT work, just stay-at-home mom, cook him dinner, let him fuck me at night, repeat repeat. What kind of life is that! It’s not fair!! I wanna be an MD! Not just some loser housewife! All my friends, their careers will exponentially explode, while i’ll just be a fucking housewife?? fuck that! Yah, he has a fabulous condo, a fabulous car, he can prolly take care of me, but then what? How am I gonna face up to my peers in our 10th yr med school reunion, be all “hey guys, what’s up, i’m just a housewife now…” Wtf! NEVER gonna happen.

There IS strength in being alone. And saying no to marriage proposals that are more like business deals anyway. i AM strong. I don’t need a guy, and i don’t want a guy - except like a fling or whatever. But emotionally, no i dont need a guy to rely on. I hate being asian and being told what to do. my white friends don’t have to go thru this, this upkeep of family and values, and traditions, and which family is honorable, etcetc. there’s no point in fighting, i’m just gonna end up with my fiance anyway. And to turn him down is like slapping my parents in their face. How dare I turn him down, when his family is essentially higher ranking than mine? My mom says I have to be grateful, that a family like his would even consider me. I’m like, wtf, am i just some cheapass whore or what! I don’t need this shit. The only reason why i’ll take him is cuz i don’t wanna break my parents’ heart.

whatever, im tired. secretly, i DO wish some fabulous guy would just take me away from all this, then we’d just live a fabulous life doing surgery and traveling the world. But get real, things like that are only in movies. Besides, I thought i didn’t “need” a guy, lol.