Ok, I don’t wanna say I’m fucked up cuz I don’t have a good role model, but I just don’t! I don’t like blaming stuff on others, this is my problem, yeah yeah, I get it.
Ok, I am now back at home. Woopti-do. My dad says my so-called fiance won’t be here till next month, cuz he’s “away” on some trip in china. Riiiight. more like cheating on me with some bimbo. I don’t really care.
I luv watching House. Why? Cuz i think Thirteen is such a good role model. She doesnt give a fuck if ppl like her or not. She’s just there to do her job. And who cares if House likes her, or anybody else, she just wants her life to matter.
I don’t wanna say it, but yah, i DO need a female role model to say, “hey, come on, I can do it, so can you.” My mother is an ok role model. But I have been trying to follow her footsteps till I found out she has a fatal flaw – she got thru med school cuz she married my dad at their 2nd year. I don’t think that’s strength at all! I see that as total WEAKNESS, relying on a fucking MARRIAGE to secure a future, so she won’t be afraid, and that if things at the hospital don’t work out right, at least she has a fucking husband to rely on? That’s not what a role model to me is for. My mother is not a role model in that sense. See, if she got thru med school, did residency, and THEN married my father, THEN I would see that as strength. Cuz if she did that, she would’ve done things on her own! And not have some other guy to rely on. Relying on others is not strength. And for the longest fucking time, I have been trying to do that, whether intentionally or not, to follow in her footsteps, hoping that maybe I’ll find “prince charming” one day in college, and now, med school. HELL FUCKING NO. Wrong “role model.” I always thought my mother was strong. But now I just see her as all talk. She is ALL FUCKING TALK. She NEEDS some guy to “make her life better.”
WELL, I SURE AS HELL DON’T. Guys are just to fuck around, they are not for emotional support! Fuck that bullcrap. I don’t want to marry that fucker who my dad like LOVES, ok. I don’t want to be with a dumbass like CarGuy.
(O yah, my friend from school im’ed me, awwww, he’s so cute, he says to keep in touch, since school is over now and stuff…and now we’re just studying for the boards. I wonder if he and I will be in rotations together…that’d be nice.)
I don’t want to need people. I don’t want to rely on people. I want to be like Thirteen! She doesn’t care, she doesn’t care at all! She’s beautiful, but she doesn’t rely on looks to get her way, not like that uglyass blond bimbo Amber – haha, she died, that’s what she gets! Hahahahaa.
I am just really mad right now, cuz I feel like I’m lost, this whole thing of seeing my mother in a completely different light, it’s weird knowing that the one woman I thought was super super strong – well, she’s not. Not how I would define strength – relying on ONLY myself.
Actually, there are a few women I’ve known/know who I consider strong = my sister, Landace, Lara, Laria (all fake names, duh). What do they have in common? They are all very, very pretty – skinny, smart, funny. Except for my sister, they are all med students. I see them as strong cuz they don’t need a guy to define them. They can easily get some guy, but choose their careers before anything. Especially Lara – now I don’t know if she’s a virgin or not, but I just luv the way she doesn’t care about guys. me and her just sit in class, do our thing, study, take notes, leave. Landace was like that too. She has some guy on the side, but she doesn’t put him above her. He is just a fling, haha. Now Laria – she always always makes me smile. Omg, I made her meet Carguy, and the next day, she was like, hahahaha that was funny when u said “too bad he’s not a doctor….to his FACE.” Hahahaha, omg i miss her! I hope me and her pass everything so we can work in orlando together, omg how fucking fun would that be!! And of course, my sister – she always does her own thing. She doesn’t care if she doesn’t have a bf, cuz really, there are no guys who are good enough to beat our favorite singer Hyde. I should be more like them.
For the longest time, i was always thinking “I should be more like my mother.” Hah, wrong! She is the anti-role model. She RELIED on somebody to get thru med school. That’s her fatal flaw, that’s her weakness. If she can’t stand being alone, then that’s not strength at all. Marriage is not strength – it’s a fear of being alone, a fear of “losing” some dude, it’s FEAR. Fear = weakness, and I am NOT weak. Do I wanna marry that fucker who can’t even be here to welcome me back to the US? Fuck no. He says he wants me to yah get my MD, but then NOT work, just stay-at-home mom, cook him dinner, let him fuck me at night, repeat repeat. What kind of life is that! It’s not fair!! I wanna be an MD! Not just some loser housewife! All my friends, their careers will exponentially explode, while i’ll just be a fucking housewife?? fuck that! Yah, he has a fabulous condo, a fabulous car, he can prolly take care of me, but then what? How am I gonna face up to my peers in our 10th yr med school reunion, be all “hey guys, what’s up, i’m just a housewife now…” Wtf! NEVER gonna happen.
There IS strength in being alone. And saying no to marriage proposals that are more like business deals anyway. i AM strong. I don’t need a guy, and i don’t want a guy – except like a fling or whatever. But emotionally, no i dont need a guy to rely on. I hate being asian and being told what to do. my white friends don’t have to go thru this, this upkeep of family and values, and traditions, and which family is honorable, etcetc. there’s no point in fighting, i’m just gonna end up with my fiance anyway. And to turn him down is like slapping my parents in their face. How dare I turn him down, when his family is essentially higher ranking than mine? My mom says I have to be grateful, that a family like his would even consider me. I’m like, wtf, am i just some cheapass whore or what! I don’t need this shit. The only reason why i’ll take him is cuz i don’t wanna break my parents’ heart.
whatever, im tired. secretly, i DO wish some fabulous guy would just take me away from all this, then we’d just live a fabulous life doing surgery and traveling the world. But get real, things like that are only in movies. Besides, I thought i didn’t “need” a guy, lol.
So me and Carguy fucked, like a goodbye thing, since I’m leaving tmrw. Then, I gave him a bunch of stuff I don’t need, like a bunch of crap, like pots and stuff. And then me and my best friend went out for drinks. And then we met up with Carguy and his posse. And then my best friend – she dropped me off with Carguy, so me and Carguy and his friends went barhopping, and clubbing, omg it was the funnest fucking nite ever. And then! Carguy was dropping me off, and I just HAD to confess, “Awww this is prolly the last nite i’ll ever see you, thank you for everything blahblahblah…by the way, I am scared to go back home cuz my father wants me to marry this doctor.” Just cuz I was drunk, and kinda felt bad, cuz he said he would miss me a hella lot. That good for nothing Carguy goes, “blahblah, I think u should talk to ur dad about that, blahblah, by the way, I got my gf back home pregnant, I have a baby daughter, surprise!” I was like, wtf, I didn’t even need to say anything sweet, cuz all along I thought I was being unreasonable, yet he was also being an ass. Hahahahaha, soooo fucking hilarious. Awww that adorable Carguy, he said that of all the girls he met the past 1.5 yrs away from home, only ME does he think is worth cheating on his “beloved fiancee and daughter.” Awwwww, that’s sooo freaking sweet. While me – I don’t care about the guy my father chose. I don’t fucking care!! Who cares. I have “cheated” on him countless times. I don’t even know if it counts as cheating, as I don’t even love him, I only took that stupid ring so my father will shut up!! (that and he DOES have an MD and a fabulous condo overlooking the vegas strip). Anyway, so Carguy was being all nice-nice, so I said, “Awwww ur so sweet…if only u had an MD.”
HahahahahahahHAH! HAH!! That’s what he gets for messing with me. Now he’ll forever know that he is not good enough for me. I mean, how DARE he fuck me when he has a fiancee and daughter! (and who cares what I do, I am above the rules anyway, I don’t care if I technically have a fiance, I can screw around with whomever I like, I am above the rules!!) Anyway. I bet that whole “…if only u have an MD” thing bruised (and hopefully smashed and killed and kicked and chopped and also incinerated!!) his ego. MwahahahahahHAH, that’s what he gets! Which is kinda sad, cuz he is such a sweet sweet guy. I bet I could fall in love with him…if he was older, taller, meatier, and had an MD. HahahahahaHAH, i love House.
Omg, me and my best friend were discussing how hot the Dean of our school was. He is soooooooo HOT. He is only 36, omg OMG!! And an MD. Omg, he is so hot. I don’t know why the fuck he married his wife – she isn’t even an MD! She’s just some teacher, she taught us Physiology, but who cares, she’s not an MD. I just don’t get it! O well.
Tomorrow, my best friend is gonna drive me to the airport. Carguy was gonna, but I cancelled on him, cuz I thought it was gonna be weird, besides, I think that was THE most perfect thing to end things with him – to say that awww, he is such a sweet guy – if only he had an MD!!! Hahahahahahah, I am just so freaking FUNNY. I am so incredibly awesome. Dang, i just really LOVE myself!
It’s a show about loser old women who are unhappy cuz they’re “single.”
Miranda was having panic attacks cuz she’s old and still single. I say, WHO CARES if ur single!! I would rather be single and rich than not rich and with some loserass guy who’s not an MD or CEO!
I don’t care, I am actually happier being single, cuz then I don’t have to answer to anybody! Hah! Besides, I am only 22yrs old!! In 2 years, I will be an MD and single and hot and the whole world will be at my hands, and hell no, I don’t wanna be tied up to a dumbass who doesnt have an MD (that stupid Carguy!!), or even someone like my ex who is in the same level as me. In 2 years, he’ll just be a resident. Who cares! I am NOT impressed by people at my level, cuz I am on that level, woopti-do. NO, i want House! An attending! I’ll be the young one anyway, hahaha, all I have to do is be all girly girl, and I better get an attending, and he better be about 12 yrs older than me, cuz fuck no, I don’t want some guy who is in their 20s! Hell no. Perfect relationship would be if I found my own Dr. House, and I was Dr. Cameron, she was half his age, hahahaha. Except I wouldnt be so ethical bullshit. I say if the patient doesnt want treatment, just let them die, it’s what they get. If the patient gets mad at me for taking my time at the cafeteria, then o well, go somewhere else, bitch. If patient doesn’t have insurance or money to pay me…buh-bye. The only way I would give treatment for free is if the patient was a hot guy. Either a model/actor/MD/CEO…lawyers – hell no. I hate lawyers, they annoy the fuck out of me, them and their constant suing of MDs. fuck them!
1. I want a fabulous career. I want to be respected as a female surgeon. Cardiothoracic, plastic, who cares, as long as it’s surgery. But dermatology is good, too. Or maybe even ER doctor. Or diagnostician, like House (lol). Either way, I know that as soon as I have my MD, everything will be better. I won’t care so much that so-and-so already has kids, WHO CARES, he/she doesn’t have an MD, hah!
2. I want a fabulous hot genius husband who’s always loyal and will treat me like a queen, just like my father treats my mom. I know some people are like, get real! But my parents have been married for 30 yrs, thru ups and downs, my father has never ever EVER left my mother’s side. And why should he? He is LUCKY to have my mom, who is an MD and pulls more than her own weight around in their relationship. And my mom is lucky too, to have my father, as he is also an MD. They are perfect for each other. I want what they have…except I want my guy to be like House (sooooooooo hot!!!!), as in way older than me. Ok, not as old as House, he’s like 49. Just like 10-12 yrs older than me is so perfect. Lol. My dad is only 1.5 yrs older than my mom, and I don’t want anybody my age. Haha, ageist me.
3. I want a crimson red ferrari. I want my husband to drive a black lamborghini. I want him to drive us as a family to church in a black bentley. I want to drive my kids to school in a black mercedes, tinted windows, chrome wheels, hell yah. When me and him go out to dinner/movie/casual stuff, I want him to take the red ferrari. When we go out to classic ballroom dinner with fellow MDs, he should drive the black lambo. When we visit my parents, we should take the black Mercedes. And when we go to our kids’ piano and violin recitals, we should take the black bentley. So there! There is no way I am gonna settle for a loserass guy who can’t afford all those things. It’s so freaking retarded when a girl is like, “like finally! like i got married to this guy, yay!” And the guy is like a total retard, like what does he do? Blue-collar! Ew. I am just gonna take a page out of my mom’s book and NEVER settle for less, hah!
4. I want to have 2 or 3 boys. Hell no, I don’t want a girl. I don’t ever want a daughter. Omg, she would end up exactly like me – egotistical, pompous, too clever for her own good. I want two twin boys, then I am done. Triplets would be sooo adorable too, omg awww. But seriously, I prolly just want twins, and then I’m done. I don’t know, I would rather have less kids, but give them the best in the world. I wanna give them a car on their 16th bday, just like Daddy did for me. I want them to play piano and violin, and take nihongo lessons, and be perfect honor roll students, GPA 4.0, just like how I was in high school. (med school gpa not so much, lol, kinda hard to even get a 3.0 here, loooool).
5. I want my kids to become MDs. Subspecialty I don’t care, but they have to be MDs. I want them to have that sense of duty that I have to my parents – I want to uphold the family honor, I want my parents to be proud of me. Cuz of course they are not gonna be proud if I am just a nurse, hah!
1. My gayass mofo school for having such fucking early classes that I am always so fucking tired that i can’t stick to my diet.
2. Carguy for buying my car.
3. The fact that I want some sort of methamphetamine, maybe Adderall or something, just so i can remain focused .
4. The fact that I have to get an MD before I can even think of having prescription for adderall, cuz fuck no, my father would never give me drugs, wtf.
5. My fucking school for having such early classes and for what! It was a complete waste of time. Thank God I am finally finally leaving here. I just wanna get the fuck away from this place as fast as I can, just go home and eat and eat and eat, and never look back.
I can’t wait to get my MD. I don’t care, I’m gonna get my fucking hands on those adderall, it’s not fucking fair. I want coke or something, anything to keep me studying. Just so i can get them “legally.”
I was watching House MD today. And wtf, it’s like suuuure, Thirteen is sooo gorgeous. In real life, nobody is gorgeous and super-smart like her. She is really, really pretty. I wanna be just like her, like sooo pretty + supersmart. Cuz really, anybody can be skinny. But try being skinny while going thru hell/medschool with ur crazyass perfectionist parents always at ur back! I want my MD more than anything. I don’t care if I fuck up my body right now, that stuff is fixable. What’s not fixable is turning 25 and finding out o holy shit, I am just a blue-collar waitress at a blue-collar job, and I will never amount to anything more than, “Hello, can I take your order sir?” Fuuuuuck no. The only friend I have right now that won’t betray me is snickers bar. Snickers always always makes me happy. And now, I can’t even go to a fucking store, cuz fucking Carguy bought (stole!!!!!!!) my car. Wtf, I can’t wait to get the fuck outta here.
wow i really can’t stand carguy. he is such a fucking loser. ok, he picks me up after school, he was driving and we were holding hands. so i’m thinkin everything is ok, right? WRONG. wtf, the dumbass is suppose to come over tonight, but he makes some lameass excuse and says he’s “sick.” Ummmmm, he didn’t LOOK sick this afternoon! what, he suddenly contracted a cold while working?? pssshhh as if i’m not a future physician, who does he think HE’S fooling?? hah, he thinks he can just show up whenever the fuck he wants, well guess again, dumbass. besides, i have finals comin up! oooooh, and niceguy offered to take me home today, i was gonna say yes, but i wanted to ride w/carguy instead. either way, i think i am set. i wonder how many abscences i have. cuz if i exceed the amount, then i can’t pass the class, and that’s just retarded as fuck.
anyway, i’m thinking that i am just gonna take niceguy’s offer to drive me everywhere. or my friend’s offer! since i DO need a ride to get the refund on my insurance.
and i wanted to remain friends w/carguy so he can drive me to the airport. it’s fucking $20 just to get there, how retarded those taxis are! whatever.
omg i just had the most brilliant plan ever!
wait, is this how querido thought of me? like an expendable thing? cuz i think of carguy as that – just expendable. but i ended up hating querido, even wishing that he would leave, just so it’s already all over. but that’s different. cuz i think i loved querido. carguy doesnt love me, does he? yah he says he misses me and stuff. but there is no excuse for missin out on seeing me tonite, when i clearly said that i wasnt busy tmrw morning!
ok i need a plan. a plan to hurt carguy the most!! he got hurt when i didnt acknowledge that we were anything more than friends. he got hurt when i said i hated this place and wanted to leave asap, and that i have nothing here to go back for. he got hurt when i didnt call him. he got hurt cuz i told him that he doesnt have to call me all the freaking time. and he got hurt when he was like, hey if u ever need someone to talk to… And i was like, yah i take care of myself, thanks.
i dont need the dude. he’s more trouble than he’s worth. besides, if i just flirt a lil bit, i can have niceguy drive me home. only a few more days and then no more school, go back home, and forget that this stupid island ever happened at all.
i think carguy would be the most hurt if i act like he is nothing but a driver! super casual, he is nothing but a driver. yah. got it.
ok i’ve been freaking eating the whooooole freaking day! why?? cuz wtf, i had to be awake so freaking early because of the MOST FUNNEST CLASS IN THE WHOLE WORLD, OMG I LOVE CLASS! yah right. i hate class. i hate waking up early. it screws me over the rest of the day!! i get sooo hungry, so i kept eating and eating, get even mroe stressed out, so i kept eating. I am so fat, my stomach is so bloated, i dont want Carguy to see me like this! wtf, now i have to cancel our thing tonite! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! i hate my life. i hate being fat, i hate school for making me wake up so fucking early and i hate the dean, i hate my parents for making me sell MY fucking car, and now i have to suck up to my so-called friends just so i can have a free ride, cuz fuck no i am not taking the bus like some commoner!
fucking 1 more week. and then no more!! just take the stupidass test and then no more. i get to go home and get back to the good life. i HATE it here. i hate being so fat, this is not me! this is not who i am, i was soooo pretty. but that was last year when school was in the afternoon, and i wasnt so fucking stressed out that i am eating all the time cuz of my EARLYASS classes! i hate early classes. when i’m at work, fuck no, my shift is gonna be at afternoon to fucking 4am, i don’t care!! as long as i am asleep from 7am to noon-ish, i dont give a flying fuck. i dont give a fuck, i do NOT wanna see carguy, not like this! not when i have been eating and eating the whooooole day!!
oh yah, and the fucking caffeine pills that i have been taking, what. the. fuck. they don’t even fucking work! i took fucking 2 tablets, caffeine equivalent of 4 cups of coffee, and i still was fucking BORED OUT OF MY MIND in class. dude. i need to get laid. but not like this! i am so FAT. my stomach is so bulging, i can barely even fit in my pants now, i bet i have reached 155!! damn it TT_____TT
ok, so i couldnt stand it anymore, so i called the loserass carguy! “just to say goodnite.” and then i asked him what’s wrong. and he gets all retarded gayass on me: “how come when i dropped u off, u didn’t kiss me goodbye? ru ashamed of me?”
well, DUH! of course i am, he couldnt figure that out?!! he’s not exactly a prize, why should i parade him around my school? all my friends will laugh at me!
so i’m like, “dude, i let u fuck me, don’t i??”
and then he gets all gay on me! what IS that?? freaking grow a backbone, dude. dang, he never asked me to be his gf! i have no obligation to him. he’s lucky i even kiss him byebye when he drops me off at my apartment! so risky! what if someone from class sees me and him, holy crap how embarrassing!! and hello-o-o? i let him fuck me, isn’t that enough??
i can’t believe he got all retarded just for that. i would never even introduce him to my friends, much less kiss him. Nevah!! he is just a dirty secret and nothing more!!
i hate that guy. in fact, i hate all retarded stupid guys, they all need to grow the fuck up.
ok so i invited my friend NiceGuy from class, the one who’s been flirting w/me for some time now. we even shadowed the same bunch of doctors together. so here we were at my apartment, and i’m like waiting for him to make a move….no freaking luck. he just kept talking and lookin at my boobs, but didnt make a single move! what! and then i looked at the clock cuz i was expecting carguy to call, but then niceguy saw me lookin at the clock, and he’s like, “whoa we better sleep, we have school in the morning!” and left. i’m like, w o o o w. he is sooo shy. which is ridiculous, cuz he’s gonna be an MD soon, if anything, he is the one who i can picture being with for long term. i guess i’ll just have to settle for flings for now, o man. why is it always like that. the guys who are in med school w/me, omg they are all like good guys. except for my old bf, but he was stupid. i mean like stupid stupid, like his IQ was low. i mean, he needed a mnemonic for every freaking thing. like dude, u get microvesicular fatty lesions if u give a kid aspirin. u don’t need a crazy mnemonic for that, just memorize it, dang! ok i know i dont really sound smart here, but yah ummmm this is a blog, ok. not a paper for school. so pardon my california-ness.
nway, i am kinda pissed. my extensions are falling off!! i swear, it’s only been like 6 weeks since i’ve had them, but already it looks like i grew like 2 inches, cuz they have been slippin off! it’s cuz stupid carguy was pullin my hair last nite.
OMG I WONDER WHERE CARGUY IS!!!! CARGUY! CARGUY! CARGUY! CARGUY! AAAHHHHH!!!!!!! ><;;;;
wow, i really have a problem. i can’t study anymore. i am so obsessed. look, i KNOW myself, ok. once i obsess over something, i think about them ALLLLLLLL the freaking time. i was obsessed w/passing a test before, and holy crap, i printed out like EVERYTHING i could find for it, like practice tests n stuff.
omg retard, he already came to see u last nite, if u let him in tonite it’d be overdoing it, hello! haven’t u learned anything in psychiatry??
see that’s my prob. i study like EVERYTHING, but i never ever ever apply it to real life! so retarded. for example, classical conditioning, like with pavlov’s dogs. i should apply that to real life. make carguy salivate a little, right? so, i should be available available available, and then suddenly NOT. and he should salivate! i don’t know what to do! actually, i have been really good, much much better than i ever was before. like all calling a guy and chatting w/them n stuff. i think i grew up a lot when i lived w/ “don jerk.” i learned that i should treat a bf like a patient. take care of them, but remember that I am in charge. And when a patient moves away, as much as it’ll hurt me, I should just let him go, cuz they’ll find a new doctor(s) behind my back anyway. better to kick them out first, and save face!
wow, it’s already 11:23pm. i guess carguy isnt gonna call me tonite. i wonder if he’s mad? i think it was cuz i was bossing him around today, tellin him to grow thru the drivethru and stuff. and made fun of him for not knowing what to do. and made fun of him cuz he cheated on his old gf before. omg, it must be that… holy shit. damn it, why can’t anything go right!!!!! first, niceguy is too shy to make a move. and now carguy hates me. and on top of all that, i have a test in like a few days! holy shitttttttt x_x
omg so funny. carguy drove me to school this morning, and my friend saw him, omggg i was like, o shit, she’s gonna think i’m a slut!! but i kinda just was like, o yah, he um was on his way, so…yah. NOT! last nite, he slept w/me, yay!!!!! omg this is ridiculous. i mean RI. DI. CU. LOUS. here i am, about to take the biggest test of my life in a few days, and all i can think about is stupid stupid carguy. so stupid! it’s not like i have a future w/him anyway. i am gonna go back home soon and he can’t even follow me, cuz he doesnt even have a US visa! dang. and i dont wanna marry the dude, he’s kinda poor. i mean, he’s just a waiter (albeit a HOT one!!!!). damn it, i was in class and all i could think about was what happened last nite. tomorrow is valentine’s day!! i wonder if he has plans. omg omg omg what’s wrong with me!! i need sleep so bad. i couldnt really sleep last nite, i mean who can sleep with a hot guy next to them!! dang, i couldnt stop laughing and giggling and stuff. omg i don’t know how i’m gonna tell him that i’m kinda leaving in less than 2 weeks..and never coming back..omg i think i’m gonna miss him. i’ve only known him for like 2 wks, but i’m kinda fond of the guy!! at first it was soooooooooo WEIRD. like wtf, this is the dude who bought my car..he’s kinda poor..and i hooked up w/him? huhhhh??? omg i remember that nite when he wanted to hook up w/me, but i had to study (and didnt shave), so i was like, ok bye. omg i SO dont wanna have to say to my friends like, “yah ummm…i kinda hooked up w/him…” they’ll be like, u slut. pah, whatever, i’m leaving soon anyway, i don’t really care about my so-called “reputation.” i mean, once i start my job back in states, i bet NONE of my fellow classmates will be with me at the same place at the same time! hahahaha.
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