I come to this site from time to time, with every intention of setting down my thoughts, and then I get here and I have nothing to say. It’s like the words just dried up.

So. I figure over the last months, I’ve lost my words, lost my mojo, lost my sense of how things are supposed to be in this world, sunglasses, car keys, the desire for some things I thought I wanted, many things except…., well, weight.

And yet, I’m still hanging in, maybe under the delusion that I’m trying. AG, it’s not so bad. Just because l lost those things doesn’t mean I’m wallowing in a pit of abject misery. I’m just not who I was a few month’s ago, and I’m not really sure who I am now.

A good two or three month’s ago I caved in and asked my Dr. for some help with the depression, and he gave me Pristiq. It did seem to take the edge off, but my Dr. sort of reminds me of a pusher. He gives you a 7 day free sample, then wants you to come back in a week so he can “monitor” you. Then he gives you the next 7 days worth. In the end, I couldn’t be bothered to go there every week, (some part of me gets to what I call the “AG NEE” or “Nee Wat!” phase and I start thinking, “this is a load of Nonsense!”). There was a week in early July when I had to commute to the City for work, and since my time was so tied up with the whole being “out of town” all day, I just stopped going to him altogether. So, I’m back to being just me and my skeptical self.

To my surprise, after stopping the Pristiq, I enjoyed a three week long burst of energy and enthusiasm. Now where on earth did that come from, and why can’t I call it up at will? I baked, I cooked, I bought myself my own charcoal grill and challenged Neil to make a better burger than me (Ha! I won), I invited some women over for a jewellery party and I bought some new clothes. I celebrated my birth day for four days. The only thing I didn’t get to was to steam clean the carpets. That lovely little bubble has been on the wane this week, and I arrived at the office this morning feeling decidedly uneasy. Is there some conference going on in my head that I’m not conscious of? Do the different parts of my brain conspire against me when I’m not looking? And please, I’m not bipolar. I don’t have ADD or ADHD. My hormones might be a bit out of whack, but whose aren’t?

Okay, enough of that crazy talk.

All in all, things are okay. Up, down, enthusiastic, energetic, tired, pooped, it’s all good. It’s life.

I have watched the drama that is my sister’s life unfolding, with ever more twists and turns and trajedies. I see my mom faltering in her confidence, but still game and open to life, and I see my precious daughters making their own ways. And Neil, always there, always trying to do his best, even though I don’t give him credit. Even my pets, so dependent on us, and so full of innocence and joy. All of this makes me appreciate….that….

Life is really messy. It’s wonderful and terrible and yet, here we are. It amazes me that the world actually manages to spin right on time every day, considering all the crazy humans doing crazy things to each other and the earth. But, yup, here we are. Might as well make the most of it.

Still making the big pots of soup, still exercising during lunch-times, still trying.

Can today be a fresh start?

Is it possible for me to repackage or reframe my thoughts so that I’m not coasting downhill into the day thinking of it as just another Friday, just another work day? I suppose I could (she thought, skeptically).

Give me a few minutes and I’ll let you know how it works out.

Ruby