Most of the immediate shock of my nephew’s death has been absorbed, and my sister seems is as well as can be expected, as are as my two nieces. Although I hadn’t spent much time with him in his adult life, I do sense a new, empty space in the world - and in my head, or heart or soul or whatever you want to call it.

The Pristiq that I’ve been taking seems to be working, but I wouldn’t say it changes things that much. How do you know if it’s working, I often wonder? I’m still feel very flat. Blah….not interested in TV (well actually, that’s been so for a long time, maybe it’s not me, it’s the TV!), not that interested in reading. Can’t say I feel like cooking, but I still do. Shopping, no. Intimacy? Okaa-ay….more for you than for me….Maybe this is normal? Maybe these meds just enable you to still feel blah, but you get up, you go to work, you do the chores, whereas before, you didn’t get up, or at least you were sorely tempted to stay in bed all day.

I am putting one foot in front of the other, and getting through my days. I have abandoned Weight Watchers for now. I seem to do better with having a small breakfast – my beloved tea and toast with peanut butter or Marmite or Bovril if I can get it. I share with my boss a big tuna salad on a whole grain roll with balsamic dressing on the tuna salad (my addition), and lettuce and tomato. That usually comes with two pickles. Snacks can include fruit: banana apple, yoghurt and occasionally some almonds. Lots of water. Dinner. It’s best if I just avoid it altogether. Since I can’t do that very often, I am extremely tight with myself – very very small portions. I’m still walking or going to the gym 4 days a week. My scale this morning said 187.5. I have to be weighed tonight at a doctor’s appt. and I bet it will still be over 190. It’s amazing how potent those decade numbers are. If it’s not over 190, I’ll be elated. If it is, I’ll just tell myself that it’s only a number!

Our eldest is coming home this week-end, bringing two girlfriends, or maybe three, and possibly a puppy. She has been leaving me messages (instructions) for a couple of days…chief among them is a request to bake crunchies (granola bars that are not all that healthy), and rusks (dried dipping biscuits, kind of like Italian biscotti, but, like the Dutch, bigger, blander and heavier). I will do this tonight. One batch of rusks takes 9 cups of flour – makes about 80. Sounds like a lot, but trust me, they’re gone in two days. I was thinking of making three batches, but I don’t think my kitchen is big enough. My enthusiasm for this project is not high, but like many things, once you start, it’s usually okay. I will say this…I am looking forward to seeing my sweet girl. All my girls are sweet - and sometimes not - but mostly sweet.