Some times
Believe it or not, I’m still in the game. I’m still trying to slim down, get healthy and I still want to reach all those lofty goals…
I got over my little (shameful vanity) setback awhile ago already. Thanks for the kind and supportive comments. Not long after that incident, I had one of those moments where you take yourself in hand and give yourself a good talking to.
The result was I went back on to a mild anti-D. It’s called P*r*i*s*t*i*q (the asterisks are my, ahem, clever attempt to foil would-be spammers). I’m on a low starter dose now for about three weeks. I haven’t noticed any big difference. I’m sad, but on the other hand, I’m not quite in the depths of despair, either. My sadness is appropriate though…
How do you segue from, “I’m not in the depths of despair” to….another terribly sad event rocked my poor family this week? You don’t, you just plunge on. Anyone reading this blog must think we are like some terrible Greek tragedy.
At 4pm on Monday afternoon, an urgent email was sent to me by my niece. I didn’t see it for about 30 minutes, and when I did, I was momentarily puzzled. The email came from my sister’s address, as a reply to an earlier email that she had already replied to from me. 4pm is 10pm for my sister, and she goes to bed early. When I opened it, it still took me a few moments to comprehend what I was reading and that it was from my niece. My niece and her husband had driven out to my sister’s home late that evening because the police had contacted them to say my sister’s son had been in a car accident and was dead. I think my niece didn’t know how to contact me, and the email was easiest.
My sister’s son had just turned 36. He was the cause of a lot of trouble in the last couple of years in my sister’s life, and my niece’s life, but the person he had hurt the most was himself. He had been flying really high for a long time, working hard, owning his own business. He had bought homes and really really expensive cars (a Hummer and a Lamborghini!) and was on top of the world. Somehow (and in that “somehow” lies a very long, tragic tale of woe), it all came crashing down, and he lost everything. His wife finally left with their two little boys, and in the last year he’s been more out of work than in, still claiming that he’s got millions somewhere, not making sense, becoming abusive with his family and generally wreaking havoc.
I was thinking about him on Monday, actually, only hours before I got the news. My sister had gone away last week-end, mainly to get away from her son, who had been phoning and phoning and had been threatening violence. She was thinking of obtaining a restraining order, but was hesitating partly because she knew he’d react very badly. She was going to make inquiries on Tuesday - in fact, that was what our Monday email exchange had been about. After I read her last reply, I thought to myself, “this will never be over. The only way it will end is if he dies.”
I didn’t actually want him to die though. Would have been nice if he just could have pulled himself together, but in my heart I knew he couldn’t. It seems ironic now - when I had that terrible thought - he was already gone.
I’ve been remembering him as a little boy. He was a beautiful child, funny and mischevious and full of personality. I remember he adored his sisters. I remember how much his birth pleased our family. For two generations, there had hardly been any boys! Our grandmother was ecstatic. I remember that when he was about three or four, he took a shine to an old pair of boots that were his “Auntie” Ingrid’s (she’s only about 6 years older than him). The boots were in the garage at his grandfather’s beach house, and every time they’d visit, my nephew would run off to find his boots, which he was convinced were real fisherman’s boots. He was really small for his age, and the boots went up past his knees. He looked adorable. They were so obviously “girl” boots, but my nephew would have none of it….they were HIS fishing boots now.
The last time I saw him was in 2004. I was in SA with my mom, we visited his home for a braai (bbq). He was obviously so pleased to have the whole family there, him being the man of the house, and he revelled in being (and was) a very good host. His home was beautiful. His two little boys were scooting around on their tricycles, playing with their cousins, my nieces two boys who are the same age. He enjoyed showing us his two big dogs and the cars and boasting about his eldest son’s naughty escapades.
It’s really sad, isn’t it?
I’ve been calling my sister every day, and I am so releived that she is surrounded by caring people. She sounded much better today. Dare I think it? Let the healing finally begin.
That is really sad about your sister’s son. I’m sorry for your whole family.
I also wanted to say that I am starting Pristiq in a couple of days- I’m weaning off of Cymbalta, another anti-depressant, and then switching to Pristiq. I’ll be interested how it continues to make you feel, and how it will do for me!
That was so sad. I am still picturing the sweet little boy with his “fisherman’s boots” on. Adults become whole other people who can mess their lives and the lives around them, but we were all cute little kids once. I hope your sister is okay.
I was thinking also about your “vanity” blog. It made me think of two of my buddies. Evil Twin is a couple of inches shorter than me, and although nicely curvy, certainly never what I’d call “fat”. GrannyGirl is my height and I’ve always thought she was more or less my weight.
Recently Evil Twin told me that she and GrannyGirl weigh the same. A good 20kg (about 44lbs) less than me. Yep. There’s my vanity, right there. I know how you felt. Sometimes belief is just not enough to sustain the reality around us.
Wow I am so sorry for the very hard times your family is going through. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Joy
So good to see you again Ms. RJ.
I’m so sorry about your nephew. I can appreciate your loving memories of him despite the horrible way things have been recently. I’m also comforted by the fact that your sister is surrounded with love to help her through this terrible time.
Honoring his memory and remembering him for the best things are truly the way to go.
I’m so glad that you’ve got your own little ‘mood enhancer’ that keeps you afloat. Yeah, you’re right - it’ aint no utopia. But after all, as long as we’re floating - it’s better than having that salt water burn our lungs.
I’ve got my ‘floater’ on as well.
So happy to see you again Ms. RJ. If you can stay awhile. I’ve missed you terribly.
My best to you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
So sad when someone you love dies at what feels like their lowest point. I have had a similar time in my family…what comfort I could find came from believing that he had demons no one else had ever seen, and despite the sorrow we all felt, at least he was free of them now.
I am very sorry to hear about the tragic decline and loss of your nephew. Even when people are troubled and causing pain to others it doesnt lessen the impact of losing them.
You & your family are in my thoughts.
Sorry about your nephew Rubes. I lost my 18 yrs old niece five years ago. She was killed in a car accident. Still hurts.
Good for you on the “mood enhancer” as annie calls it. I too am on that route, and doing better. At least as annie again says, no salt water in the lungs.
xoxoxo
Hi Rubyjean,
Missin you honeybunch - hope you’re doing well
Come back when you get a chance…
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Oh, here I am a day (month?) late and a dollar short as they say. I will never get life quite figured out, I’m afraid. All the whys and wherefores. I know mine hasn’t gone anywhere near where I expected it to, and now I’m wondering how the devil I managed to get where I am now. I’m sad for you - and your family - about your nephew’s troubled life, and now his passing before it could get better. The human condition sure could use a major overhaul. Ahhh, I’ve been thinking about you, dear woman. I hope you’re feeing better.
Warm hugs,
Z
Are you doing okay? I hope so. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hope to see you back here soon.